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Original poster

DH calls his mum first

234 replies

JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:00

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

OP posts:
black2black · 03/11/2021 16:57

@Lorw

I call my mum first in a crisis before my DH (though it would depend) simply cause she’s better at talking sense and has more empathy 😂
Yes me too. It seems from the comments on this thread it’s not ok for men to do the same Confused
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 16:57

@gannett

Off the top of my head I can imagine if you work in hospitality you'd have work crises more often than every two months these days. Is a stressful job that hard to comprehend?

"He shouldn't have so many work crises" has a distinct air of "having worries is unmanly and we could never be attracted to such a wuss, eh ladies".

@gannett

it could be anything. DH has a stressful job. he complains to me more often than every 3 months.

if it was a woman then she's justified because everyone would be guessing she's harassed at work or someone is undermining her or whatever.
it's a man so he has a "meltdown". how dare he🧐

sillysmiles · 03/11/2021 17:05

@JSmithy438
Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person

You want to be his go to person but in these situations he needs to talk with his family/mother.

You say his mother doesn't offer solutions and you do. TBH if I'm pissed off at someone/something I don't want someone offering solutions and making it about them, I want someone who will rant with me and agree that whoever wrong me is a prick (even if they aren't and it's really only minor issue). I'll calm down and problem solve myself - what I need is someone on my side - not someone rationally pointing out where I went wrong and how to fix it.

I think you need to accept that in these types of situations you both respond differently.

JudgeJ · 03/11/2021 17:18

@withpeaceandlove

I call my mum first and I'm not a 'mummy's girlI'. She just gives god advice and is better at calming me down. It's not immature to have a good relationship with your mother
But MN seems to subscribe to the theory that a married man should cut himself off from the people he's known since birth.
JudgeJ · 03/11/2021 17:20

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

Is he your 'go to person' for your problems or do you go to the female members of your family and your female friends?
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/11/2021 17:22

My daughter in law would be pissed off if my son did that.

JudgeJ · 03/11/2021 17:38

@Snoozer11

People talk about toxic masculinity and it's negative impact on women. They talk about seeking help with mental health and not suffering in silence, and how damaging it is to suppress emotions.

Then you come onto this thread and a man is deemed "pathetic" and a mummy's boy because he speaks to his mother and doesn't live up to a butch stereotype.

100% agree. This thread and many of the responses don't show women in a good light, it seems that too many consider themselves only one who matters in a relationship.
Fairyliz · 03/11/2021 18:02

My DD (single) usually phones me first with any problems.
I used to try and provide advice/practical solutions. However I realised that’s not what she wanted. She wanted me to say her boss was a complete bastard or whatever, so basically always take her side. Then when she had calmed down she could think of her own solutions.
Could it be something like this?

steff13 · 03/11/2021 18:10

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

It's fine for you to want that, but you don't get to decide that for him. You could insist he come to you first, but that would be pretty controlling and impossible to enforce. You would probably be happier if you leaned to accept that he sometimes needs his mother's support as well as yours, and he might call her first.
girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 18:11

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My daughter in law would be pissed off if my son did that.
Then she needs to get a grip too
SiennaSienna · 03/11/2021 18:13

How about good news, does he share those with you first? Personally, if he shared those with his Mum first then that would annoy me more

EmeraldShamrock · 03/11/2021 18:15

But MN seems to subscribe to the theory that a married man should cut himself off from the people he's known since birth.
This.
There are some circumstances when NC is the only option but many are trivial jealous reasons when a man is expected to cut off his family.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 03/11/2021 18:16

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My daughter in law would be pissed off if my son did that.
In the real world most people would - it's normal.
3teens2cats · 03/11/2021 18:22

Some truly appalling attitudes on this thread. The relationship he has with his mother is totally different and the support will be totally different. Only he gets to decide what he needs in any given situation. We are not talking about a grown man taking his washing home to mum every weekend we are talking about emotional support which is vital for good mental health. We want men to talk about their feelings but only to us? No, it doesn't work like that.

NeverChange · 03/11/2021 18:35

I have a slightly different take on this arising from a conversation a hard with a group of male colleagues which I thought was enlightening.

We were discussing a male colleague who ended up with serious mental health issues arising from stress.

They were saying that men find it much harder to discuss failure, disappointment and stress than women do, especially with other men. When I innocently said, surely he would have spoken with his wife? Then turned on me and were all unanimous in the following.

Men want to continue to impress their partner, want her to see them as a success, a provider and a man in control.

Their wife is the last person they want to see them as weak or struggling. They don't want her to know they have let her down. When I said women wouldn't see it that way, they disagreed. They know that their mothers were impressed with them since they were born so find it easier talk to them during tougher times.

Every one of them said, if they were struggling with MH, stress, finances, pressure etc. they would talk to their sister or mother first.

They all said their partner about the promotions and successes first. All of the positive but not the negative.

I was very surprised but have noticed since there's a lot of truth in it. My brother does it. A close male colleague does too.

I know your husband just had a bad day but do you think it could be possible he sees it the same way.

stayathomer · 03/11/2021 18:38

In the real world most people would - it's normal
Possibly depends on age? I'm 41 so can see my sons being op's dh in the future so I can see both sides

userg5647 · 03/11/2021 18:50

I would hate that if my husband did that but as a mum of boys I think it's kind of sweet haha.

black2black · 03/11/2021 18:54

@NeverChange

I have a slightly different take on this arising from a conversation a hard with a group of male colleagues which I thought was enlightening.

We were discussing a male colleague who ended up with serious mental health issues arising from stress.

They were saying that men find it much harder to discuss failure, disappointment and stress than women do, especially with other men. When I innocently said, surely he would have spoken with his wife? Then turned on me and were all unanimous in the following.

Men want to continue to impress their partner, want her to see them as a success, a provider and a man in control.

Their wife is the last person they want to see them as weak or struggling. They don't want her to know they have let her down. When I said women wouldn't see it that way, they disagreed. They know that their mothers were impressed with them since they were born so find it easier talk to them during tougher times.

Every one of them said, if they were struggling with MH, stress, finances, pressure etc. they would talk to their sister or mother first.

They all said their partner about the promotions and successes first. All of the positive but not the negative.

I was very surprised but have noticed since there's a lot of truth in it. My brother does it. A close male colleague does too.

I know your husband just had a bad day but do you think it could be possible he sees it the same way.

This is very interesting and probably true.
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 19:02

@NeverChange

wise words and thanks for sharing that.
I'm glad they opened up to you because we can learn so much from stories like that.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/11/2021 19:14

I usually phone my mum first before dp. Probably because she is more supportive and will let me have a good moan and moan with me whereas dp usually isn't paying attention properly because he's at work.

Moonface123 · 03/11/2021 19:18

As a mother of sons l can't help but notice the jealously out there regarding insecure women. A daughter is allowed to have close relationship to get own mum, that's ok, but God forbid should the son share same regarding his Mum.
I hope my sons make good choices and marry secure strong women.

Moonface123 · 03/11/2021 19:19

Regarding her own mum.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 20:10

@Moonface123

As a mother of sons l can't help but notice the jealously out there regarding insecure women. A daughter is allowed to have close relationship to get own mum, that's ok, but God forbid should the son share same regarding his Mum. I hope my sons make good choices and marry secure strong women.
@Moonface123

yes. yes. a thousand times yes.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/11/2021 21:25

@Moonface123

As a mother of sons l can't help but notice the jealously out there regarding insecure women. A daughter is allowed to have close relationship to get own mum, that's ok, but God forbid should the son share same regarding his Mum. I hope my sons make good choices and marry secure strong women.
I agree actually. I have 2 sons and a daughter and I hope they all come to me with their problems and don't have to run it by their husbands or wife's before talking to me. My dp might tell his much stuff before me, I have no idea because I don't keep tabs on his phone calls or conversations with other people, and I honestly don't think ut would bother me if he did.
LizzieW1969 · 03/11/2021 21:31

@Moonface123

As a mother of sons l can't help but notice the jealously out there regarding insecure women. A daughter is allowed to have close relationship to get own mum, that's ok, but God forbid should the son share same regarding his Mum. I hope my sons make good choices and marry secure strong women.
It makes me grateful that I only have DDs tbh.