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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH calls his mum first

234 replies

JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:00

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

OP posts:
smoko · 03/11/2021 21:44

Oooh that’s a fanny drier, that one…

Verfremdungseffekt · 03/11/2021 22:17

@smoko

Oooh that’s a fanny drier, that one…
That says a lot about your fanny, none of it good. Hmm
rhowton · 03/11/2021 22:32

I was on the (hands free) phone to my DH when a brick flew through my windscreen.. I said in a panic, I'll call you back, just going to call my dad... 😂

When my DH was in an accident, he called my dad straight away too!

JudgeJ · 03/11/2021 22:45

@JSmithy438

where as my family treat him like family I don't get that from his
That's your perception, it may not be his.
CheshireChat · 04/11/2021 11:27

I know more men commit suicide, however more women attempt it, just that men use more violent methods.

However, I thought people were finally getting over the 'boys don't cry' nonsense and it's absolutely fine for men to rely on people who aren't their partners.

And honestly, you know who separates partners from their support network? Abusers, they're really keen on ensuring their victim doesn't have (or doesn't feel like they have) anyone to turn to.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2021 11:28

@CheshireChat

I know more men commit suicide, however more women attempt it, just that men use more violent methods.

However, I thought people were finally getting over the 'boys don't cry' nonsense and it's absolutely fine for men to rely on people who aren't their partners.

And honestly, you know who separates partners from their support network? Abusers, they're really keen on ensuring their victim doesn't have (or doesn't feel like they have) anyone to turn to.

Well said. Some of the comments in here are disgusting I mean........

Oooh that’s a fanny drier, that one…

I hope my son doesn't meet someone like this one here ^^

Blossomtoes · 04/11/2021 11:36

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

This isn’t particularly helpful for you but as the mother of boys I find this extremely comforting, given how many husbands on MN it seems follow their wives around and drop their mothers!
Me too. I know I’m my son’s go to when he wants to talk something through to clear his mind. It’s reassuring to see that may not change. Equally my bloke’s definitely not my first choice to confide in with some problems because his approach is to try to fix.
Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 13:22

Me too. I know I’m my son’s go to when he wants to talk something through to clear his mind

See, I'd be disappointed for my son if his marriage wasn't deep and close enough for his wife to be that person. How I might be reassured wouldn't come into it. I'm reassured if he's in a wonderful mature marriage with his partner as his best friend, help and support.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2021 13:27

@Tillysfad

Me too. I know I’m my son’s go to when he wants to talk something through to clear his mind

See, I'd be disappointed for my son if his marriage wasn't deep and close enough for his wife to be that person. How I might be reassured wouldn't come into it. I'm reassured if he's in a wonderful mature marriage with his partner as his best friend, help and support.

Does it have to be either or though, why can't men be allowed have more than one person they can confide in?
LittleMissUnreasonable · 04/11/2021 13:36

It's definitely the Mumsnet narrative here that MiLs should be seen and not heard. Eg, must be present for the DC and be wonderful doting grandparents whilst simultaneously backing out whenever not needed as they will be labeled as "overbearing" Hmm it's tired now.

For context I don't have any parents in the picture unfortunately, but there are many things I would talk to a female friend about first, whether that's because theyve known me since childhood, or to get a different perspective. Doesn't mean I don't love DP any less.

Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 13:39

The way she worded it suggested that there was one, don't you think? Not 'I'm one of my son's go tos' and usually we talk about a go to person. So in the context of that response, no I don't get the impression that the poster really does think there is more than one.

My opinion? It takes a very mature relationship between grown up child and adult for there to be genuinely a go to person that isn't exclusive. I think it's rare. Also most responses on this thread have confirmed that the go to person tends to be one person that they're reliant on for something.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2021 14:08

@Tillysfad

The way she worded it suggested that there was one, don't you think? Not 'I'm one of my son's go tos' and usually we talk about a go to person. So in the context of that response, no I don't get the impression that the poster really does think there is more than one.

My opinion? It takes a very mature relationship between grown up child and adult for there to be genuinely a go to person that isn't exclusive. I think it's rare. Also most responses on this thread have confirmed that the go to person tends to be one person that they're reliant on for something.

No I didn't get the impression as she says that if it's anything to do with them or the kids he comes to OP first, so what if he calls his mom to have a rant about work?
Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 14:28

You're confusing the OP with the a different poster-my post was about what they had said.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2021 14:32

@Tillysfad

You're confusing the OP with the a different poster-my post was about what they had said.
Oh I see, my apologies
Blossomtoes · 04/11/2021 16:44

@Tillysfad

Me too. I know I’m my son’s go to when he wants to talk something through to clear his mind

See, I'd be disappointed for my son if his marriage wasn't deep and close enough for his wife to be that person. How I might be reassured wouldn't come into it. I'm reassured if he's in a wonderful mature marriage with his partner as his best friend, help and support.

We can’t be all things to all men - or women. My marriage is mature enough for both of us to recognise that and we have different go to people for different situations. I’d hate being my bloke’s be all and end all.
black2black · 04/11/2021 16:46

We can’t be all things to all men - or women.

I learned this from my therapist when I was saying how my husband wasn’t very empathetic or good with helping me with my feelings. She said the same as you. We get different things from different people.

miltonj · 04/11/2021 17:03

I wouldn't like this at all. It's not the natural order of life and also quite unattractive.

MRex · 04/11/2021 17:04

@Tillysfad

Me too. I know I’m my son’s go to when he wants to talk something through to clear his mind

See, I'd be disappointed for my son if his marriage wasn't deep and close enough for his wife to be that person. How I might be reassured wouldn't come into it. I'm reassured if he's in a wonderful mature marriage with his partner as his best friend, help and support.

No one person can be the best listener, sounding board and adviser for all situations; it simply isn't possible. If you restrict yourself to only one person, then you'll frequently get sub-standard support and advice. That's a recipe for disaster.
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 04/11/2021 17:11

Hmmm.

What else happens in the relationship though?

I understand what people are saying but OP is saying she doesn't offer him practical advice, she indulges him by the sounds of it. Perhaps OP doesn't do that. Perhaps the DH needs to get a grip and not be indulged.

I think the only advice here though is to accept it. What else can you do? Say ' Call me first!' It will make you sound controlling and possibly a bit unhinged.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/11/2021 17:19

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

Hmmm.

What else happens in the relationship though?

I understand what people are saying but OP is saying she doesn't offer him practical advice, she indulges him by the sounds of it. Perhaps OP doesn't do that. Perhaps the DH needs to get a grip and not be indulged.

I think the only advice here though is to accept it. What else can you do? Say ' Call me first!' It will make you sound controlling and possibly a bit unhinged.

"indulged"? He's not a child, if he's having a shit day and wants to have a rant and has someone who lets him do that then how is that an issue?
black2black · 04/11/2021 17:23

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

Hmmm.

What else happens in the relationship though?

I understand what people are saying but OP is saying she doesn't offer him practical advice, she indulges him by the sounds of it. Perhaps OP doesn't do that. Perhaps the DH needs to get a grip and not be indulged.

I think the only advice here though is to accept it. What else can you do? Say ' Call me first!' It will make you sound controlling and possibly a bit unhinged.

Indulges? That’s exactly what I do when a friend or family member is having a bad time, let them vent and be supportive and listen.
MRex · 04/11/2021 17:26

Why shouldn't he be indulged by someone who loves him? So far as we know he isn't Opus Dei and expected to wear a cilice or some other pain device every day?

Hertsgirl10 · 04/11/2021 17:46

You sound very insecure, how can talking to his mum before you make you second best? You need to get a grip and stop competing with his mum.

As for the mummy’s boy comments, I hope you don’t have son’s because male mental health issues are very complicated and not very well documented but there’s been a big rise with male suicide and with the attitude in some of these comments I can see why people’s son’s are growing up and not able to find peace within or be able to talk to people about their feelings.

Easy to throw mummy’s boy out there, just shows how jealous these wives and girlfriends are. It’s pathetic.

MollyMinniesMum · 04/11/2021 17:49

Does he still breast feed too?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/11/2021 17:52

@MollyMinniesMum

Does he still breast feed too?
what a nasty comment shame on you
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