Partner doesn’t contribute

[CaramelPops]

I would just like some quick replies to set my head straight: am I in the wrong?

My partner of 3 years earns about £400,- more than me. He has a room at his parents’ home but lives at mine 18 out of 30 days.

He pays £600 for his ex and child.

I have 2 kids who live with me. I’m a single mum and on minimum wage. I work 46 hours a week.

After much wrangling he wants to contribute £200 per month. My outgoings are £1200.

He uses my Wifi, heating, shower, I cook and shop for 90% of the meals, I do our laundry, I pay for most days out. He drives 40 minutes to stay at mine so I take the fuel expenditure into consideration.

Am I wrong to be disappointed? Set me straight please. I asked for £400,-. The £200,- difference matters to me. I feel used and taken advantage of. He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises. I’m not a person who eats out and between work and the kids we don’t get much time to ourselves. He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?

thepeopleversuswork

Exactly this.

@thepeopleversuswork That exactly. I feel I am having to repeatedly ask for something that any decent partner would give out of their own volition because that’s what decent people do.

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?!

[quote CaramelPops]@thepeopleversuswork That exactly. I feel I am having to repeatedly ask for something that any decent partner would give out of their own volition because that’s what decent people do.

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?![/quote]
Because you're letting him.

Sorry, I don't mean that to be rude. But he obviously wants what he's got: a setup in which he gets most stuff done for him and hardly has to pay anything. Why would he care about the exact situation of the woman who's enabling it, as long as she's doing it?

You don’t have a DP. You have adopted a man child.

Because you have allowed him to.

He is a leech.

You and your home are being used.

He can't believe his luck.

He's growing his bank account whilst you provide him with a home for £11 a day.

Beyond my comprehension that you would tolerate this.

His resistance to paying his way is a clear indication of his meanness and his belief that you are a gobshite that will accept this.

I wouldn't have a man like that across my doorstep.

He's paid you once and only half the amount. I would bet you a £1000 that in no time he won't even give you that, he'll have all the excuses under the sun, car repairs, Christmas presents for his DC, you name it.
He thinks you're a mug, prove him wrong Op

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?!

A few reasons I think.

Firstly they think single mums should be needier & therefore more ‘grateful’ for the attention
Secondly because mums tend to have their own place, regular meals on the table etc so the man can slot into being looked after ‘cos she’s doing it for the kids anyway’
Thirdly because they think they can prove they’re ‘such a nice guy’ by playing with the kids for a couple of hours that doesn’t cost them a penny, rather than taking you in expensive dates etc

The clue was in him living off his parents🙄.

Men like that go looking for a mug that will do the dirty business of paying bills.

Have some self respect, he is a using waster.

Apologies if I sound harsh but you allowing this is ridiculous.

Agree with @DrSbaitso you are letting him.
I wouldn’t find a man attractive anymore who I had to argue over this stuff with.
How old is he living at home ? That’s a major turn off too. He’s got two women doing all his chores for him. He earns enough to look to be independent. I know you love him and kids are close to him but it’s not enough. He’s taking advantage. He’s taking money that could be spent on your kids.
I would break up.

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?!

Because YOU are allowing him too

I am a single mother. And he would not be able to do this to me. Take money from my children to keep him comfortable? No bloody way.

Woman up Op. You are doing this. You

Can I just say, some fathers choose to pay more than the absolute minimum child maintenance so the £600 isn't necessarily a lie. My ex pays way over what he would have to for our two children. This is probably because of the guilt for having an affair and so that our kids didn't have to leave their family home as a result but still, it dies happen.

That aside, your bf sounds very unreasonable op. Even if he is paying his ex £600 per month,he still has a lot of disposable income based on what you have said but is CHOOSING not to give a decent amount to the people who feed him and provide a roof over his head. More fool his mum for not taking any money off him as well. That's just disgusting of him to live off her for free as a grown adult with is own children and I would be too embarrassed to be with someone like that.

My partner loved with us (me and two kids) temporarily while he was between houses, so about 1-2 months and he contributed way more than your bf does and did his share around the house too.

But I choose to live apart from him and we spend time at each other's houses when I don't have my kids as I want to be as financially independent as possible and not rely on a man again who can bugger off and leave me high and dry.

@MangoIce

You don’t have a DP. You have adopted a man child.

Indeed.

[quote CaramelPops]@thepeopleversuswork That exactly. I feel I am having to repeatedly ask for something that any decent partner would give out of their own volition because that’s what decent people do.

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?![/quote]
Because you are the one kne who has been happy to pick up the tab wo a grumble until now.

I mean, you can argue whatever about the cost for the house but he isn’t even paying half of the days out you have just the two days you!!
He wants his cake and eat it. And is pretty successful at that.

You clean, wash and iron for him. You feed him. Give him sex, nice days out as a family. And he is building a nice money nest whilst you are left struggling. What I s there not to like?

Wow, £11 a day to live as a full grown adult.. where do I sign.

These type of threads come up depressingly often.

OP, this living arrangement should suit BOTH of you. At the moment it only suits him.

He doesn't get to live for the bare minimum that it costs you.

You're sharing your house with another adult and that means that your share of expenses should reduce significantly.

Becareful if you claiming single person benefits then the fact he's staying so much and giving you a small lump would suggest that your cohabiting and could be done for benefit fraud. If you want him to contribute properly then you will need to report the change.

He's absolutely taking advantage. Honestly, I know you say he's kind and he's good with your kids but he's completely unfair to you all. He's onto a cushy number here. Of course he won't want to pay more.

Honestly, I think you'd be better off without him. He has no real respect.

[quote CaramelPops]@thepeopleversuswork That exactly. I feel I am having to repeatedly ask for something that any decent partner would give out of their own volition because that’s what decent people do.

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?![/quote]
Because you're letting him.

He knows your self esteem / expectations are low enough that you're with someone you do this for:

I am the one cleaning toilets round his wee stains when the seat is up

He's an adult who doesn't want to contribute and doesn't feel he should make the effort in a relationship to the extent he leaves his piss for you to clean up. Think about what a total lack of respect that means he has for you. And what this relationship dynamic is teaching your kids.

They're directly losing out on treats because you're subsidising a man who leaves piss on their toilet for their mum to clean up.

What are you thinking staying with him?!

Because it’s easy, you’re allowing him.

The fact that you think you may be being unreasonable shows how bad your boundaries and standards are, and until you correct that, you really shouldn’t inflict any boyfriends on your kids.

He is stealing from your kids!!

I bet his rationale is that because he "lives" with his parents he is being more than generous giving you some money. But the point is you are struggling and he is letting you. He is with you because he probably thinks that single mothers have limited choices. A woman without children has more time to find someone else.

I doubt very much he earns what he says or he pays his ex £600 a month.

The tax credits issue is real. If he is there over half the month he is living with you. He will need to cover the reduction in tax credits you get.

It is insulting. You need to get rid of him.

Stop letting him take advantage. If he doesn't pay you what you ask it's simple isn't it? Stop inviting him to stay!

@user1471538283

I bet his rationale is that because he "lives" with his parents he is being more than generous giving you some money. But the point is you are struggling and he is letting you. He is with you because he probably thinks that single mothers have limited choices. A woman without children has more time to find someone else.

I doubt very much he earns what he says or he pays his ex £600 a month.

The tax credits issue is real. If he is there over half the month he is living with you. He will need to cover the reduction in tax credits you get.

It is insulting. You need to get rid of him.

But he is living at OP’s too, eating her food, using her water, making her pay for days out.

I get your point but he can’t even say he’s not living there, he is.

This isn’t a relationship. You’re sharing custody of a man baby with his parents. Just because his mummy and daddy are happy to house and feed him for free, the person he professes to love doesn’t. And while we are on about that…..

He. Does. Not. Love. You.

If he did, he would treat you with dignity and respect and not steal from you and your children.

And in answer to your question, why hasn’t he targeted a childless woman, ideas include:

• her not being a pushover and wouldn’t take in a cocklodger
• you being a substitute mum for his kids on contact days
• you being more compliant because he’s so good with the kids
• he’s a vulture and you were targeted

@CaramelPops I feel I am having to repeatedly ask for something that any decent partner would give out of their own volition because that’s what decent people do.

He is clearly not a decent partner then. Can you not see that?

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?!

You are letting him leech off you. You say you can’t get your children any treats because you are subsidising him. You are prioritising him over your children.

You say you can’t get your children any treats because you are subsidising him. You are prioritising him over your children.

Please try to see this OP. Hopefully it's enough to convince you to end this relationship.