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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn’t contribute

272 replies

CaramelPops · 02/11/2021 20:15

I would just like some quick replies to set my head straight: am I in the wrong?

My partner of 3 years earns about £400,- more than me. He has a room at his parents’ home but lives at mine 18 out of 30 days.

He pays £600 for his ex and child.

I have 2 kids who live with me. I’m a single mum and on minimum wage. I work 46 hours a week.

After much wrangling he wants to contribute £200 per month. My outgoings are £1200.

He uses my Wifi, heating, shower, I cook and shop for 90% of the meals, I do our laundry, I pay for most days out. He drives 40 minutes to stay at mine so I take the fuel expenditure into consideration.

Am I wrong to be disappointed? Set me straight please. I asked for £400,-. The £200,- difference matters to me. I feel used and taken advantage of. He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises. I’m not a person who eats out and between work and the kids we don’t get much time to ourselves. He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mulberrygirl3 · 03/11/2021 23:38

And I should also add you sound far too decent for him Flowers

velvetpeach · 03/11/2021 23:41

Have you posted about him before? The 18 days out of 30 and sky sports entitlement sounds very familiar....

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/11/2021 00:20

@velvetpeach

Have you posted about him before? The 18 days out of 30 and sky sports entitlement sounds very familiar....
I wondered this. Is he the yoghurt token guy OP?

Regardless, how do you square up this correct assessment with staying with him:

My kids have had less while he has lived off me. I’m not playing nice anymore. I have carefully read through the thread today and I am upset and appalled at myself for aiming so low.

If you're so appalled by it (as you should be) then why aren't you breaking up with him Noel

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/11/2021 00:21

Why aren't you breaking up with him now, not Noel!

prawntoastie · 04/11/2021 01:52

He’s disgusting and needs to go back to mummy so she can wipe his bum

Squeezita · 04/11/2021 03:39

So glad you’re finding your anger OP.

Any way to recoup some money from him before you dump?

Squeezita · 04/11/2021 03:42

I won’t be paying for anymore days out and use the vouchers I was about to give his kids for my own. I am seething to be honest. Yes it’s mean, yes I am probably a bitch

It’s not mean and you’re not a bitch. Why do you think that?

Marvellousmadness · 04/11/2021 06:02

Yabu for staying with this man.
Time to leave op

girlmom21 · 04/11/2021 06:48

@CaramelPops

He literally texted Ok baby, you’re in control. I’ll be there for you as much as possible.

WTAF. Completely made it out like it’s my choice.
I’m on another early so have to sleep. Fuming!

He doesn't think you'll stick to it.
Justilou1 · 04/11/2021 07:07

I’m guessing that he’s been lying about how much he pays for his kids to appear like a generous guy and a great dad. This makes him more attractive to vulnerable, exhausted, WORKING single mothers.
Secondly, The reason he lives between Mum and Dad’s and your place, is because he has huge debts and is paying them off.
He cries poor, yet lives large. I bet you’ve been buying him special food and his beer, etc… spoiling the entitled shit silly, while he tells everyone how good he is and believes his own hype.
I bet his parents are totally over this shit too.

muldersspeedos · 04/11/2021 07:29

Ffs stop being a doormat and show him the door. Are you that desperate for a man that you'd continue to put up with him after all these posts pointing out how awful he is?

NowEvenBetter · 04/11/2021 08:04

Whining about how you’re allowing this bloke to treat you is just embarrassing. If you’re still not dumping him you can’t really complain about your own choices.

DrSbaitso · 04/11/2021 08:49

@CaramelPops

He literally texted Ok baby, you’re in control. I’ll be there for you as much as possible.

WTAF. Completely made it out like it’s my choice.
I’m on another early so have to sleep. Fuming!

Oh just chuck him. He's still infuriating even when he's not living with you and clearly doesn't understand what the actual problem is.

He doesn't make you happy.

Smiler79 · 04/11/2021 08:53

@NowEvenBetter

Whining about how you’re allowing this bloke to treat you is just embarrassing. If you’re still not dumping him you can’t really complain about your own choices.
Agree
sassbott · 04/11/2021 09:00

Please don’t pile in on the OP. It’s really unhelpful.

It’s clear that she’s been taken for a ride. And now she’s taking steps to sort this out. After 3 years, the prospect of letting this man go (yes, despite what he’s done) will be hard. Especially as he has bonded with her children. Bonds have been made.

@CaramelPops right now you’re angry (rightfully so), but that anger will fade. He’s onto a good thing here, he’s not going to make it easy.

The part that stands out for me is that your children have had less since he’s been in your life. You know, you really know, that that is not ok.
He has quite literally taken from your kids in order to have a comfortable life himself.

As I said, he’s a taker (read up on givers/ takers). You’re clearly a giver (as is clear from you saying you feel like a bitch for refusing to pay any longer). Whereas all of us on here don’t think for one second that you’re a bitch. He’s a grown man, fleecing everyone around him. He should be deeply ashamed of himself.

It wouldn’t surprise me that once you start to unpick this relationship, this all starts to unravel. There Is more than just the money here. Because for someone to act this way, shows incredible entitlement, inflated sense of self and no empathy. (No person with any sense of empathy would do this to a single mum).

My advice is to move through the anger and examine other parts of your relationship. He sounds incredibly narcissistic and those sorts of personalities are incredibly hard to leave.

Cosyblankets · 04/11/2021 09:20

@sassbott

Please don’t pile in on the OP. It’s really unhelpful.

It’s clear that she’s been taken for a ride. And now she’s taking steps to sort this out. After 3 years, the prospect of letting this man go (yes, despite what he’s done) will be hard. Especially as he has bonded with her children. Bonds have been made.

@CaramelPops right now you’re angry (rightfully so), but that anger will fade. He’s onto a good thing here, he’s not going to make it easy.

The part that stands out for me is that your children have had less since he’s been in your life. You know, you really know, that that is not ok.
He has quite literally taken from your kids in order to have a comfortable life himself.

As I said, he’s a taker (read up on givers/ takers). You’re clearly a giver (as is clear from you saying you feel like a bitch for refusing to pay any longer). Whereas all of us on here don’t think for one second that you’re a bitch. He’s a grown man, fleecing everyone around him. He should be deeply ashamed of himself.

It wouldn’t surprise me that once you start to unpick this relationship, this all starts to unravel. There Is more than just the money here. Because for someone to act this way, shows incredible entitlement, inflated sense of self and no empathy. (No person with any sense of empathy would do this to a single mum).

My advice is to move through the anger and examine other parts of your relationship. He sounds incredibly narcissistic and those sorts of personalities are incredibly hard to leave.

Agree with every word of this
Glassofshloer · 04/11/2021 09:21

@CaramelPops

He literally texted Ok baby, you’re in control. I’ll be there for you as much as possible.

WTAF. Completely made it out like it’s my choice.
I’m on another early so have to sleep. Fuming!

Haaaa the old ‘make her feel like she’s losing the plot by changing my behaviour’

Good for you OP, by the way. It’s great to read that one of these piss takers has actually been held to account rather than the OP never coming back. (Not that our gratification matters but it is refreshing!)

Justilou1 · 04/11/2021 09:24

She’s not whining… She’s venting her fury. He’s a patronizing fuckwit.

Smiler79 · 04/11/2021 09:25

Sorry if I was harsh! It just makes me so angry that this guy is getting to stay with you. I fear he’ll just creep back into old ways. I am a person with zero tolerance for crap behaviour but understand not everyone is like that. I hope you do leave him though op, for your sake and your kids

Justilou1 · 04/11/2021 09:37

@Smiler79 - she has told him not to come to her house again. She will DATE him, but that will involve him putting in some effort and spending money, so he’s gooooooone.

Smiler79 · 04/11/2021 10:35

[quote Justilou1]@Smiler79 - she has told him not to come to her house again. She will DATE him, but that will involve him putting in some effort and spending money, so he’s gooooooone.[/quote]
This is true!

Smashingspinster · 04/11/2021 18:32

So, not only is he willing to build up his savings at your expense, he also takes no responsibility for this situation and his part in it. Not a very attractive picture is it?

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