Partner doesn’t contribute

[CaramelPops]

I would just like some quick replies to set my head straight: am I in the wrong?

My partner of 3 years earns about £400,- more than me. He has a room at his parents’ home but lives at mine 18 out of 30 days.

He pays £600 for his ex and child.

I have 2 kids who live with me. I’m a single mum and on minimum wage. I work 46 hours a week.

After much wrangling he wants to contribute £200 per month. My outgoings are £1200.

He uses my Wifi, heating, shower, I cook and shop for 90% of the meals, I do our laundry, I pay for most days out. He drives 40 minutes to stay at mine so I take the fuel expenditure into consideration.

Am I wrong to be disappointed? Set me straight please. I asked for £400,-. The £200,- difference matters to me. I feel used and taken advantage of. He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises. I’m not a person who eats out and between work and the kids we don’t get much time to ourselves. He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?

He’s stealing from you and your kids. Dump him.

Cocklodger
Tightwad
Get rid

So for the last 3 yrs he's paid nothing?
You're working so hard (48hrs) to provide for your kids, maybe you wouldn't need to do so many hrs if you didn't have to subsidise this man?
He must earn a fair whack to give his ex £600, so is possibly lying about his earnings and or CM?
Why 18 days out of 30? Whose idea was that? Could you take his £200 and cut down the number of days?

Get rid of him entirely.

I guarantee if he moves in full time he still won't pay 50/50 because you have kids there too, then he'll also refuse to do any housework etc because he'll be the self-proclaimed 'breadwinner'

Whatever you do don’t move him in. He still won’t pay anything like the money he owes you, he will have his feet firmly under the table and will be much harder to dislodge.

He’s a cocklodger. Chuck him back.

Sorry, am on an early shift and couldn’t respond. Clearly I had it right with the figure - or thereabouts- of £300. What grates on me is the fact that I stated my case yet he only paid £200.

I really resent the fact that I have to argue over this. Any decent human being would just contribute out of his own free will.

We didn’t talk at all last night, I just went to bed as I was exhausted. I love him and my kids adore him. I just feel he is building a nice nest egg for himself and his kids while I can’t because I am picking up all the bills with next to no help.

There’s lots of food for thought in the comments you all posted. I just don’t know if I should have one more chat about this or if there’s no point because he clearly isn’t willing to pay his fair share. And I can’t make someone change his mind if they have decided in their head that they won’t do it.

@CaramelPops does the 1200 include food as well as all bills?. If it does then 200 is fair. Lets calculate. He is there 18 out of 30 days which is 0.6. 1200×0.6= 720. 720÷3= 240 (counting your 2 children as 1 unit)

If food is not included then just give him a list of groceries to buy to contribute to the household.

The people on here are always very hard on men. If this is a good relationship you can make it eork.

Food isn’t included nor are washing powder, cleaning products etc. If he uses my house I think it’s fair he pays for things like cleaning bits too.

After all I am the one cleaning toilets round his wee stains when the seat is up 🙄

I love him and my kids adore him. I just feel he is building a nice nest egg for himself and his kids while I can’t because I am picking up all the bills with next to no help.

Read this to yourself a few times.

[quote femfemlicious]@CaramelPops does the 1200 include food as well as all bills?. If it does then 200 is fair. Lets calculate. He is there 18 out of 30 days which is 0.6. 1200×0.6= 720. 720÷3= 240 (counting your 2 children as 1 unit)

If food is not included then just give him a list of groceries to buy to contribute to the household.

The people on here are always very hard on men. If this is a good relationship you can make it eork.[/quote]
Talk about not being able to see the wood for the trees.

If people on here are hard on men maybe it’s because some of us feel we need to protect ourselves and other women from using blokes.

Why on earth would you want to “make it work” with a bloke who is sponging off you and your children? How can he possibly improve your life?

@CaramelPops

Food isn’t included nor are washing powder, cleaning products etc. If he uses my house I think it’s fair he pays for things like cleaning bits too.

After all I am the one cleaning toilets round his wee stains when the seat is up 🙄

And read this to yourself a few times as well.

Mean with money, mean with love. "But babe, I pay three quid in petrol for a 40 minute drive to get to you where you cover almost all my living costs more than half the time, clean my wee, pay for days out and do 90% of the shopping and cooking! If that doesn't prove my love, what will?"

I'm sure others have said similar...but why are you with him? Partners share. He sounds like a burden. Get rid.

[quote femfemlicious]@CaramelPops does the 1200 include food as well as all bills?. If it does then 200 is fair. Lets calculate. He is there 18 out of 30 days which is 0.6. 1200×0.6= 720. 720÷3= 240 (counting your 2 children as 1 unit)

If food is not included then just give him a list of groceries to buy to contribute to the household.

The people on here are always very hard on men. If this is a good relationship you can make it eork.[/quote]
Good for whom? Make it work for whom? Who should make it work? By doing what?

Ok, so I have to agree with femfemlicious a little bit. If you want to split it fairly then about 250 is fair, so you are not taking off him and him not taking off you.

It just sounds so much like hard work, you don't sound like you are happy with him, the financial arrangement is obviously not working for you, so just split now. It's a shame your kids have already had the chance to grow quite fond of him before realising he isn't for you, but better to get rid of him now than wait another 3 years of you being unhappy.

@Thinkbiglittleone have you missed the bit where he eats more food than anyone else in the house and OP also pays for his days outs?

This whole thing is so unfair to OP, I don’t know how anyone can think £200 is fair.

I wouldn’t accept less than £400 in OP’s shoes.

Get rid of him op. Your current situation means you are committing benefit fraud. Also,likely Council Tax fraud if you are claiming single person discount. Why put yourself in that position- something has to change.

[quote CaramelPops]@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I think this 🎯 is it.

There is an element of control. I feel drained and I brought it up repeatedly but no change. I want to cry I can’t cope.[/quote]
If the relationship makes you feel like this, end it!

You must know it's fraud him staying at yours so much without declaring it. You can't be that naive.

Before speaking to him, have a long think about whether you want the relationship to continue but (for example) he comes to stay at weekends when he doesn't have his children (I presume his children don't stay at your house?), and you keep in touch by phone etc during the week; or whether you're so done with it, that you just want to end the relationship.

Be clear in your own mind what you want, because I fear he will drive a bus through any hesitancy.

He has shown himself to be a complete user and totally selfish. It doesn't matter what he does now does it? You know what he's like. He has shown you and couldn't be more explicit. You would be so much better off financially without him and he would be so much worse off financially without you.

@CaramelPops

Food isn’t included nor are washing powder, cleaning products etc. If he uses my house I think it’s fair he pays for things like cleaning bits too.

After all I am the one cleaning toilets round his wee stains when the seat is up 🙄

Ewwww fuck him off for that alone. Your children are having to use that toilet too

* and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?*

Yes you bloody are being unreasonable
YOU are prioritising him over your children
No one has you in a head lock over this
YOU are making that decision

I think the people doing sums are missing the point here. It's not so much the exact way you slice and dice his contributions versus what he takes from the household. You can do some creative accounting to make this fit your story and so can he.

Big picture is that if you're having to do sums like this to figure out if he enhances your life or not then the answer is a big fat no! You shouldn't having to be doing these sorts of calculations with someone who is not even technically living with you. He should be contributing freely and without promting, not mithering a single mother to let him pay the minimum possible.

It almost is irrelevant whether he pays you £200 or £400 if you're having to bully him into paying.

Just get rid.

@thepeopleversuswork

I think the people doing sums are missing the point here. It's not so much the exact way you slice and dice his contributions versus what he takes from the household. You can do some creative accounting to make this fit your story and so can he.

Big picture is that if you're having to do sums like this to figure out if he enhances your life or not then the answer is a big fat no! You shouldn't having to be doing these sorts of calculations with someone who is not even technically living with you. He should be contributing freely and without promting, not mithering a single mother to let him pay the minimum possible.

It almost is irrelevant whether he pays you £200 or £400 if you're having to bully him into paying.

Just get rid.

Spot on

He pays £600 a month for his kids, but earns under £2k? One of these statement is not true, maybe even both. Have you seen evidence of either?

Ultimately you are the one in control here, it’s your house, your rules. Transfer the £200 back to him and tell him you made it very clear, it’s £400 a month if he wants to continue as things are, if he only wants to pay £200, that’s fine, but then he only gets to spend 9 days a month there. Lay down the law, no discussion, no debate, no negotiation, you TELL him what is going to happen. Or better yet, get shot of him, he’s a user.