Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn’t contribute

272 replies

CaramelPops · 02/11/2021 20:15

I would just like some quick replies to set my head straight: am I in the wrong?

My partner of 3 years earns about £400,- more than me. He has a room at his parents’ home but lives at mine 18 out of 30 days.

He pays £600 for his ex and child.

I have 2 kids who live with me. I’m a single mum and on minimum wage. I work 46 hours a week.

After much wrangling he wants to contribute £200 per month. My outgoings are £1200.

He uses my Wifi, heating, shower, I cook and shop for 90% of the meals, I do our laundry, I pay for most days out. He drives 40 minutes to stay at mine so I take the fuel expenditure into consideration.

Am I wrong to be disappointed? Set me straight please. I asked for £400,-. The £200,- difference matters to me. I feel used and taken advantage of. He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises. I’m not a person who eats out and between work and the kids we don’t get much time to ourselves. He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?

OP posts:
VillageOf8 · 02/11/2021 23:18

OP, I know it's difficult to end a 3 year relationship but you really need to put your kids first. This man is taking food and resources away from your kids and you're letting him do it. He's playing you.

After 3 years, he should be moving this relationship forward with you. Why hasn't he done that yet? You don't have to answer that here. That's a question for you to think about. Why is he still with his mom and not moving forward with you? He's an adult and should be having an adult relationship. Is he looking for the same thing you're looking for?

I was once a single mom of 3 kids so I really do understand how difficult it is to date. But there are so many men out there like that who see a single mom and just take all her money, food, resources because he sees loneliness and desperation. Just because a man has kids doesn't mean he won't use a woman who has kids. Always vet a man before he becomes part of your and your kids' lives.

Leave him and put your kids first momma. The right man will come along who will love you and your kids. I found a great man who loves me and all my kids. You will too. But you don't deserve what's going on now.

Dump him. Skip the talks. End it and block him. Be strong and show your kids how to be strong. They're watching you and will learn how to set boundaries in relationships from you.

Good luck. And believe me, you will find a great man.

Haffiana · 02/11/2021 23:23

Don't move him in OP. He will find excuse after excuse not to make up the benefit shortfall that you will suffer as a result.

He is tight. He will always be tight and you will always be resentful.

A man like this will always love his wallet more than any partner.

billy1966 · 02/11/2021 23:25

I just don't understand spending so much money on a man when you are working so hard and have children to provide.

There isn't a man alive I would spend a penny on that my children needed.

He's utter scum.

Of course he is nice, he's living off you, while he accumulates a fine nest egg.

He eats twice what you and your children do?

Shameful behaviour.

OP kindly, you need to cop on and get a grip.

You can't afford to be paying for a man, because that is what you are doing.
Flowers

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 23:30

@BunNcheese Yes, it’s a thing. If an NRP goes on to have more children or moves in with someone who has resident children maintenance is reduced in the same way.

steff13 · 02/11/2021 23:32

If your outgoings are 1200/month, that's 300 per individual. He's one individual, so his "share" for a full month is 300. But he's only there about half the month, right? That makes 200 sound fair.

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2021 23:37

@CaramelPops

He is kind with my kids and good with his own. He is a good ex partner with his ex wife and I like that because it shows he is mature.

He will babysit if I have staff training or an early or evening shift.

Mature?

Taking advantage of someone isn't a sign of maturity

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2021 23:41

@steff13

If your outgoings are 1200/month, that's 300 per individual. He's one individual, so his "share" for a full month is 300. But he's only there about half the month, right? That makes 200 sound fair.
And the OP paying for them to go out?

And his 'share' should be more than her children's as he uses far more of the resources.

He's taking the piss

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 23:41

@steff13

If your outgoings are 1200/month, that's 300 per individual. He's one individual, so his "share" for a full month is 300. But he's only there about half the month, right? That makes 200 sound fair.
How is an equal share fair for someone who eats double what the other members of the house do?
Bjarnum · 02/11/2021 23:43

OP get your bank statements out - work through a typical month and present him with the figures. Then ask him to stop taking money out of your budget to subsidise his

Anordinarymum · 02/11/2021 23:46

If he is a drain on your finances and uses the petrol excuse as a reason not to contribute properly then he is not a partner, he is a user.

If he chooses to come to yours then that is his lookout and not a get out clause for paying his way.

How horrible and mean of him. He is diddling you and your children here out of a better standard of living. He gets his cake, eats it and leaves........
Yuk

timeisnotaline · 02/11/2021 23:49

While you’re considering your options, he can come over after dinner or not at all. Take a laundry basket and tell him his clothes can go in there and then in a bag to go home with him. Plan a day out with your children like usual, but he’s not invited.

steff13 · 02/11/2021 23:54

The only way to decide what he should pay is to divide it equitably. 🤷‍♀️ She doesn't have to let him come over at all and then she'll save all of the money. Although it's unlikely to make an appreciable difference in the heating, electricity, etc., it will likely only make much of a difference with the food budget.

VanGoghsDog · 02/11/2021 23:54

Are you sure you don't mean child benefit rather than child tax credit?

Either way, you should get child benefit anyway.

violetbunny · 02/11/2021 23:57

That's ridiculous. I would point out that even with a £200 contribution a month, you're still financially a lot better off without him there. So if that's all he can pay, he can expect to stay a lot less.

Better yet, get rid of the miserly bastard.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/11/2021 23:59

Stop taking his fuel into consideration. He can get the bus if he's that bothered.

Stop doing his washing, he can bring a laundry bag and take it home. (Where his other Mummy will deal with it I'm guessing.) Stop paying for him when you go out (why??)

If you're worse off financially since this started then it is clearly not working. And if I were you I'd tell him that he can sit in his bedroom at Mum and Dad's while he figures out how to make it right.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2021 00:03

He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises.
So it's just pure exploitation on his part.

He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses.
He is taking your money. Your wages are subsidising his freeloading cocklodger ways. Get rid. You'll be financially better off and emotionally less drained.

JustLyra · 03/11/2021 00:04

@steff13

The only way to decide what he should pay is to divide it equitably. 🤷‍♀️ She doesn't have to let him come over at all and then she'll save all of the money. Although it's unlikely to make an appreciable difference in the heating, electricity, etc., it will likely only make much of a difference with the food budget.
That’s not remotely the “only fair” way to divide it. The OP has stated clearly that he costs her more than that so how is it fair to split it equally? Adults are quite able to work out their costs without the need for just simply dividing the total by four.
SleepingStandingUp · 03/11/2021 00:06

Stop letting him great you like this.

Stop buying him beer. If he wants something he can pop to the shops. If you're cooking, you cook a plate of food each. If he wants more, he can pop to the shop. Stop paying for him, pay for yours and the kids then stand and wait whisky he pays his own way. Stop doing his laundry. Put it in his bag. Tell him if HE wants to do it at yours he can buy a bottle of detergent and a £5 on the electric.

altiara · 03/11/2021 00:09

Maybe take the £200 and he can visit weekends, bringing his own food and clean clothes.

Bogeyes · 03/11/2021 03:46

Tell him to remain at his parents. Aren't you worth a 40 minute drive?

Cosyblankets · 03/11/2021 04:19

He doesn't "have a room at his parents"... He lives with his parents. He's a fully grown adult who lives at home with mum and dad and pays nothing to them.

Not very attractive

sjxoxo · 03/11/2021 04:45

@CaramelPops don’t settle for this. Your standards are too low! What about a man who has no ex wife..even better! Him being courteous doesn’t show maturity, it’s normal behaviour. Don’t settle with your bar that low. The current money issue is a problem now but if things progress you will likely have a hellish time with him if he’s tight with money; he is not supporting you. I’m sorry to say but I think you should look elsewhere for someone who is a better partner to you and not a tight arse. Xx

Somanysocks · 03/11/2021 05:03

You are not entitled to the 25% single person council tax discount which you will be claiming. He needs to pay the extra.

backtolifebacktoreality · 03/11/2021 06:13

@CaramelPops

We don’t live together because it would impact his kids’ school run.

He said he pays his ex £600 but no I don’t know for sure.

I appreciate he wants to look after his kids but he gives his ex £600 and just £200 to you, yet you pretty much pay everything for him?

You shouldn't need to have this conversation with him in the first place. He should be contributing sufficiently.

Why would you possibly want to be with someone like this?

backtolifebacktoreality · 03/11/2021 06:18

@CaramelPops

I am not desperate. I just thought maybe I am unreasonable. I have tried to argue my case but he’s not biding so I need to really leave it at dating. The resentment isn’t nice and it takes away from the usual happy person I am.

No!!!! don't leave it at dating!!!!!

Why would you even want to date someone like this?

Get rid of him altogether!