Partner doesn’t contribute

[CaramelPops]

I would just like some quick replies to set my head straight: am I in the wrong?

My partner of 3 years earns about £400,- more than me. He has a room at his parents’ home but lives at mine 18 out of 30 days.

He pays £600 for his ex and child.

I have 2 kids who live with me. I’m a single mum and on minimum wage. I work 46 hours a week.

After much wrangling he wants to contribute £200 per month. My outgoings are £1200.

He uses my Wifi, heating, shower, I cook and shop for 90% of the meals, I do our laundry, I pay for most days out. He drives 40 minutes to stay at mine so I take the fuel expenditure into consideration.

Am I wrong to be disappointed? Set me straight please. I asked for £400,-. The £200,- difference matters to me. I feel used and taken advantage of. He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises. I’m not a person who eats out and between work and the kids we don’t get much time to ourselves. He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?

He sounds absolutely pathetic! You really need to get your priorities straight and get shot of this loser! You sounds nice and deserve better.

He has a very high opinion of himself if he believes that paying the petrol to get to yours cancels out everything else you pay for. Whereas I am the one cleaning toilets round his wee stains when the seat is up says he has a very low opinion of you as his servant (or that you should be so grateful for his company that as well as paying for everything you should count it an honour that you get to clean up his piss).

OP what do you love about him? What positives does he bring to your life? You say that your children adore him, but they're not old enough to realise just how much he's taking away from them by being an Olympic standard leech.

You're working your fingers to the bone and he's taking the benefit. Look at it this way - he has several hundred pounds a month to put away towards a nice, maybe early, retirement. While you're down every month and not able to provide everything you want for your DCs, and will have to work for far longer to make up what he's taking from you.

Even if it were somehow fair for him to contribute at this lower level of £200- which personally I don't think it is - why does he expect you to wait on him? Why does he never cook, or do a load of laundry, or clean the toilet? He expects you not only to shoulder all the costs but also do all the work. Meanwhile, he 'babysits' occasionally (which I bet involves mainly being just present in the house) and gives lifts. A decent partner and mature adult wouldn't expect to be waited on.

Next time he comes round, tell him it's his turn to cook dinner, or clean the bathroom. His reaction will be enlightening.

Tell him it's his turn to go shopping. With his money. Write him a list. Include food and laundry stuff as well.

He lives with you.. he’s there more than 50% of the time.

I wouldn’t even entertain this man. I don’t care if he drives to you. 200? Where in the world can any adult pay 200 and live? And he pays nothing at his parents, he eats for free and you do his laundry.

He pays his ex money but that sounds like that’s all he pays except for petrol. Of course he’s taking advantage.

I would be so disgusted by this that I wouldn’t even want him contributing, I would just end the entire relationship. I hate when men try to take advantage of a woman in any manner. But I especially hate it when they try it on financially.. and with a single mother.

Firstly I can see how these situations can grow and become more and more significant over time, creeping up on you without realising. So please understand that I am not criticising you here but him.
He's been your partner for 3 years, lives with you for free 60% (18 days a month)

Up till now you have paid EVERYTHING, even when the two of you go out together (because he pleads poverty due to CM and petrol to get to your house to freeload off you) and now that you have finally asked for a reasonable contribution he has the cheek to "wrangle" over it and only agreed to pay half the amount you asked for!!! And he made you feel really bad about it to the extent that you were not sure you should have asked for so much? His cheek knows no bounds.

Has he been doing this at the same level for 3 years?

If he'd paid £400 a month for the past 36 months, you and your children would be £14,400 better off- because that is how much you have been subsidising this freeloader for. That is how much you and your children have to do without. No wonder you are struggling.

He should have paid the £400 right away without a quibble and blushed with shame as he did so, instead he complained that he did valuable chores like a little light hoovering and an occasional school run.

What an entitled greedy sponger!

You could have been gradually putting that money into your pension or savings for your children, towards your futures or gone on holiday or any number of things. Instead that not insignificant sum has gone towards making HIS life easier at the expense of you and your children. Shame on him.

Would it be possible to look at someone like that in the same way ever again?

He sounds like a fucking leech who has no respect for you. Get rid.

Just mention the benefits situation 'Listen, I'm going to have to declare you're living with me as I'm actually committing fraud and it's really worrying me. You'll have to either move in full time and pay 50% of bills or we'll have to go back to just dating' If he doesn't take you seriously just get rid of him there and then

I don’t think I believe he pays his ex anywhere close to £600.

I also don’t think £400 is enough and would’ve asked for more, the fact he’s only agreed to £200 is just astonishing.

Tell him he pays the £400 or he doesn’t enter your home anymore especially to stay over and certainly not to use you as his chief cook and bottle washer.

Plenty of single, childless women around so why leech off a single mum?!

I have a theory. Many will disagree.

Many (probably most) single mothers are single mothers through circumstance rather than choice. Those circumstances often occur because they have previously been let down or mistreated by a man/men.

Unscrupulous men often prey on single mothers because they can see a pattern of mistreatment and know that women often have issues breaking that cycle in relationships.

I think that there are also many men who know that women are keen to give their children a family unit, and will manipulate and future-fake to get their feet under the table. Meanwhile, the mother is invested in the relationship, and ends up like the proverbial boiling frog.

@CaramelPops I’m sorry to say but whatever conversation you have with this man, will not change a thing (when it comes to the heart of things).

Any half decent individual, would have been putting their hand in their pocket years ago (and not because they were asked). Because that’s what most decent people do. If you’re staying at someone else’s home, eating their food, using their utilities, you put your hand in your pocket.

The fact that he hasn’t, tells you all you need to know. His attitude towards money (and you) is pretty disgusting. And it won’t improve.

I also don’t believe he is paying 600 a month to his ex. He’s a taker. He’s lying to you re how much he pays his ex. He doesn’t pay his parents anything (also quite a disgusting attitude) and doesn’t pay you a bean. He’s basically living the life off the generosity of others.

I think it’s awful and I wouldn’t spend one penny more on this mans / his family. Whether you continue to date him or not is a separate matter, but get him out.

I just told him we can continue seeing each other dating outside the house but he is not to come here again. Neither will I stay at his parents’ home.

I won’t be paying for anymore days out and use the vouchers I was about to give his kids for my own. I am seething to be honest. Yes it’s mean, yes I am probably a bitch but he literally said the reason why he didn’t pay the additional £100 is because he had to pay for a birthday party in December for one of them.

My kids have had less while he has lived off me. I’m not playing nice anymore. I have carefully read through the thread today and I am upset and appalled at myself for aiming so low.

I was also unaware about the child tax credit implications and I am not a deceitful person so I won’t have him here anymore. In my heart I feel I am done. I work too much any and I want to scale that down or at least give the money to my kids. Not pay for some man child who wants an easy ride.

Why do you even still want to be with him though

If he'd paid £400 a month for the past 36 months, you and your children would be £14,400 better off- because that is how much you have been subsidising this freeloader for. That is how much you and your children have to do without. No wonder you are struggling.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff..exactly.

OP,
Keep reading the above and how much as little as the above would have helped your family whilst this leech has lived off YOUR CHILDREN.

He is scum.

I wouldn't believe for a minute he is paying more than minimum to his Ex.

How you could look at him must be hard.

Scum leeching off you, and you working so hard and such long hours.

Mind yourself.

@CaramelPops

I just told him we can continue seeing each other dating outside the house but he is not to come here again. Neither will I stay at his parents’ home.

I won’t be paying for anymore days out and use the vouchers I was about to give his kids for my own. I am seething to be honest. Yes it’s mean, yes I am probably a bitch but he literally said the reason why he didn’t pay the additional £100 is because he had to pay for a birthday party in December for one of them.

My kids have had less while he has lived off me. I’m not playing nice anymore. I have carefully read through the thread today and I am upset and appalled at myself for aiming so low.

I was also unaware about the child tax credit implications and I am not a deceitful person so I won’t have him here anymore. In my heart I feel I am done. I work too much any and I want to scale that down or at least give the money to my kids. Not pay for some man child who wants an easy ride.

Well done for putting him straight now.

What is your plan going forward? You know what he’s like so can you really see a future with him?

Good for you OP. You'll get people saying you should just have dumped him now, but you've done well to set those boundaries, and now you can see how he reacts when he doesn't get his easy life subsidised anymore. What was his reaction btw?

He literally texted Ok baby, you’re in control. I’ll be there for you as much as possible.

WTAF. Completely made it out like it’s my choice.
I’m on another early so have to sleep. Fuming!

Tell him to fuck off

Also: I just booked a Christmas treat for the kids ans myself locally and I didn’t get him a ticket. I will hold strong on this. I can’t absorb his lack of input anymore. I work my socks off and I am feeling the strain of it. For what?! He works a whole day less than me and has more money yet expects everything from me. I think I am done, I’ve just pulled back but I hate how. He’s put it on me saying something akin to “your decision”.

As if I cut my nose off to spite my face.
In reality like others said any decent man would have put his hand in his pocket ages ago. Not being asked over and over again and still do their own thing.

Your children will thank you later in life.

Seriously. Get rid of him. How can you find this behaviour attractive or want to continue dating him? He's taking the piss of you and your kids!

@Smiler79

Why do you even still want to be with him though

This.

Why would you lower yourself to associating with this scumbag?

You can do better.

@CaramelPops

He literally texted Ok baby, you’re in control. I’ll be there for you as much as possible.

WTAF. Completely made it out like it’s my choice.
I’m on another early so have to sleep. Fuming!

Ah. Now if the relationship goes badly it’s your fault, as you’ve been making these decisions. I’d reply I wish I were in control, I’m just reacting to the way you’ve treated our relationship unfortunately. I can’t afford to be in the relationship you want where I pay for your food and do your laundry and my kids miss out.

@CaramelPops

We don’t live together because it would impact his kids’ school run.

He said he pays his ex £600 but no I don’t know for sure.

No chance does this guy pay 600 quid to his ex for his children when he pays nothing to his parents and grudges paying you a decent amount for staying with you 4 nights out of 7. He wants you to think that so you don’t ask him to contribute to your household. He sounds like a dick