Partner doesn’t contribute

[CaramelPops]

I would just like some quick replies to set my head straight: am I in the wrong?

My partner of 3 years earns about £400,- more than me. He has a room at his parents’ home but lives at mine 18 out of 30 days.

He pays £600 for his ex and child.

I have 2 kids who live with me. I’m a single mum and on minimum wage. I work 46 hours a week.

After much wrangling he wants to contribute £200 per month. My outgoings are £1200.

He uses my Wifi, heating, shower, I cook and shop for 90% of the meals, I do our laundry, I pay for most days out. He drives 40 minutes to stay at mine so I take the fuel expenditure into consideration.

Am I wrong to be disappointed? Set me straight please. I asked for £400,-. The £200,- difference matters to me. I feel used and taken advantage of. He says he wants to keep money back to treat me and his kids but that never materialises. I’m not a person who eats out and between work and the kids we don’t get much time to ourselves. He is tight with money but now I feel he is taking my money because he doesn’t contribute and I can’t treat my own kids because I pay his share for all he uses. AIBU?

Oh OP, heartbreaking to ready.

What sort of absolute scum lives off a single mum?

The absolute dregs of society, thats what.

Please realise you are a complete mug and he is using you while he saves his money.

He is taking money from your children.

Please realise this.

The issue is that you don’t officially live together and he is only at yours for half the month, so I can actually see both sides here.

I think he either needs to come over less or move in officially.
He could still go to his mums after work if he needs to pick his kids up and things.

YANBU. To be honest, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't see this person as a long term partner. And given that, I'd prefer to end it sooner rather than later. If you're happy to keep seeing him, I'd step back and 'date' rather than have him semi-living with you. See him, go out for dinner if you can both afford it, but he goes home to his own place and you're not out of pocket adding his daily expenses (food shopping, extra utility bills etc) to your own. It sounds like he's helpful when it doesn't put him out to be so. That isn't help. If you broke up, you'd be able to afford a babysitter!

You need to be careful if you are claiming any benefits.

@TokenGinger

What are the actual take home pays? If he's paying £600 for his child, plus £200 at yours, plus fuel, car insurance, car payment (?) etc., I guess it does mount up.

You say he has £400 more than you a month. Is that from pay alone, or does that include child maintenance for your child, child benefit, and other benefits you'll be entitled to on minimum wage? That's not to be goady, I'm just trying to get my head around whether he "thinks" he has less disposable income than you (which I don't think he does).

To expect him to pay a third of bills (£400 of your £1,200) when there's 3 of you and 1 of him, and he's only there half of the month, with him paying for fuel there and back, seems a bit excessive. Maybe £300 is fairer.

This and what @WonderfulYou said.

Please stop paying for all days out and please stop buying all his food - he pays his share. You really shouldn't be "all inclusive hotel" and "bank of girlfriend" when you have your own DCs to be saving for and support as well as yourself

Have you any idea how much you need to save up for university?! Thousands (even if they get full maintenance grant) .., And all those things DCs need as they grow up like school uniforms (£200+) laptops, bikes, savings, holidays, school trips...

@TotallySuper

Yuck. Get rid!

I second this.

£200 wouldn't even cover his share of monthly food and all the outings she is funding!

He's living there 60% of the time on a tuppence!

I think it depends if he is living with you or visiting you. Are you a couple financially, or is he a boyfriend staying over. £200 would cover what he eats and the electricity he uses I would have thought. Any extra to this would go towards running the household and supporting your kids. Maybe he doesn't feel this is the arrangement, and while he's happy to pay, so you're not out of pocket, doesn't want to contribute more.

@CaramelPops

I just do all the big shops like laundry detergent, cleaning products, etc. £200 doesn’t scratch it because I buy 90% of the food too. And he eats way more than me and the kids.

I thought that'd be the case.

Precisely bc my uni sim more than doubled my food bill alone when he returns for holidays!

I'd stop doing his washing/ laundry at your house for a start. He does that at his mums.

do you claim benefits

Raise your bar op

This man is taking money from your kids. Put them first.

He may be mature but he is still happy to take advantage. It seems to be a common theme that men dont feel they have to contribute a reasonable amount to the family. He can be as tight as he wants elsewhere, but he needs to treat you fairly. This does not bode well.

OP, he is using you.. It’s not an attractive habit. I don’t know why so many men are happy to live off a woman. I have encountered this and so have many other women I know. You can do better than this.

He is also ripping off your DC. The money you spend subsidising this selfish tightwad would be better spent on them — and on yourself.

@CaramelPops

He is kind with my kids and good with his own. He is a good ex partner with his ex wife and I like that because it shows he is mature.

He will babysit if I have staff training or an early or evening shift.

Mature? He lives with his parents. 😂

And with his other mummy.

C’mon OP: give him the 🥾

I don’t claim any benefits that’s why I work 46 hours a week. I am above that threshold. Just.

I only get child tax credits.

I think @amylou8 you are right. But since feel it’s unfair and I don’t know how to shake that resentment.

Every pound he sponges from you is a pound you can’t spend on your children. Those pounds add up over time

Hang on a sec.

Your outgoings are 1200. That's for four people (even though he's not there full time).

So that's roughly 300 each. You should be covering 3 of those for you and the kids.

So that's 900 from you and 300 from him. But he's only there half the time, so half that and it's 150. So his 200 looks food.

Weighting it more - 1200 at 400 per adult and 200 per child. His contribution is 400. But he's only there half the month, so 200. Again looks right.

Why do you think 400 is the right amount?

Child tax credits is a benefit. As above, you need to be careful re this.

It sounds like you're better off without him anyway.

He’s a cock

child tax credit IS benefits and in the eyes of tax credit's DWP you would be assessed now as having a partner

in theroy you should not be claiming them

you really need to sort it out now
if you get caught it will be you that will be responsible for it so sought it now

sorry to maybe scare you but you really should not be claiming imo

cover you and the kid's back cos if you get caught he will be out of yours quickly with out a backward glance

I only get child tax credits.

You need to be really careful - he lives with you more than half of the month and you don't have to live together full time to be required to claim as a couple.

18 days is not half the month. That’s more.
He eats 2 plates of food for what me and the kids eat. He showers more often and sticks his laundry in the washing machine. I pay for most of the days out - the two of us. I always pay for myself and my kids and have repeatedly paid for him and his family on days out.

Child tax credits are a benefit.
Explain as he is living with you 60% of the time you will need stop your claim therefore he needs to contribute more.

But since feel it’s unfair and I don’t know how to shake that resentment.

You shouldn’t shake the resentment: it is unfair.