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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 03/11/2021 10:17

I voiced quite early on in the wedding planning that I would like to be a lot more involved, and I was told that I would be as things progressed.
2 years later... !!!
Anyway, i spoke to my sister - as did other family members about their similar issues - and, as expected, she has told us we are all interfering with how she wants her day, as this is how she wants it to be. She has accused us of trying to dampen her day. LOL.
It's going to make for an interesting wedding day!

OP posts:
MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/11/2021 10:22

@pcofmushu

I voiced quite early on in the wedding planning that I would like to be a lot more involved, and I was told that I would be as things progressed. 2 years later... !!! Anyway, i spoke to my sister - as did other family members about their similar issues - and, as expected, she has told us we are all interfering with how she wants her day, as this is how she wants it to be. She has accused us of trying to dampen her day. LOL. It's going to make for an interesting wedding day!
Well done.

So, this is the point where you tell her that if she thinks so little of you, that you’re not prepared to come along and be humiliated by her band of Mean Girls, so neither you or partner will be there. Then book a lovely weekend away for the two of you and have a marvellous time.

Just accepting it and still being part of it would make you a doormat.

Brefugee · 03/11/2021 10:26

She has accused us of trying to dampen her day. LOL.

frankly? she is entitled to think that, but she has dampened her own day by acting like a bit of an idiot. In your shoes? Unless you really really want to be a BM and love the dress, i'd sack being BM and I would sit where i want for the reception.

But maybe your mum could have a word and ask her if she really wants her wedding the family talk about for all the wrong reasons?

Camii · 03/11/2021 10:31

I wouldn't care about all the planning and prep bc it tends to be a huge head ache esp if the other bridesmaids are in a tight group.
I would say something about being sat on a random table without your bf! That's ridiculous.
"Disappointed that I couldn't have been more involved in the planning of the wedding. But thank you all for your hard work. I see that I am currently seated away from the top table and away from bf. Not sure why this is. Please seat me and bf together on x table. Many thanks"
They'll be irritated. But too bad. If they don't move you I would move myself on the day. No way you should have to sit alone...

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 03/11/2021 10:36

@Camii

I wouldn't care about all the planning and prep bc it tends to be a huge head ache esp if the other bridesmaids are in a tight group. I would say something about being sat on a random table without your bf! That's ridiculous. "Disappointed that I couldn't have been more involved in the planning of the wedding. But thank you all for your hard work. I see that I am currently seated away from the top table and away from bf. Not sure why this is. Please seat me and bf together on x table. Many thanks" They'll be irritated. But too bad. If they don't move you I would move myself on the day. No way you should have to sit alone...
The OP has just updated to tell us that she has spoken to her sister and she has confirmed this is what she wants.
RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 10:41

I think the guests should vote with their feet and sit with the people they want to sit with. Your sister is being really thoughtless.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 03/11/2021 11:01

Well she's set her stall out, you just need to decide if you're going to go along with it or not.

Personally, and the fact I'm not overly close to my sister, I'd politely decline to be a BM and then politely decline the wedding invite. Her day her rules after all.

CounsellorTroi · 03/11/2021 11:09

Why would your sister not want you on the top table with her? It would be different if you weren’t a bridesmaid.

RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 11:13

And why would she allow her friends to treat you like an afterthought? This is really shitty behaviour.

BashfulClam · 03/11/2021 11:15

Group text is needed with your sister an all other bridesmaids to ask why you as a bridesmaid and the Brides only sister has not been placed at the top table with the rest of your family and bridesmaids.

Tricked2003 · 03/11/2021 11:15

I think you are mad to allow yourself to be treated like this. I'm all for "it's the brides day" but this is allowing her to humiliate you.... Seating you with randoms you don't know, splitting you from your partner while the other bridesmaids are on top table..... I would be telling her straight

Lasair · 03/11/2021 11:18

@pcofmushu bloody hell. She’s as mad as a box of frogs.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/11/2021 11:22

If you know the seating plan can you contact some of the people and ask if they would consider swapping with either you or your boyfriend so that you can at least sit together. Also bring a spare dress so that you can change out of the bridesmaid's outfit after the church bit so it looks a little less obvious that you have been treated like a pariah.

If the worst comes to the worst and you are sitting like a meringue in a bridesmaid dress with the groom's friends then amuse them with the most embarrassing stories about the bride. Make a few up if you have to. Enough that they can't help smirking every time they meet her or her name is mentioned. Grin

PjsOn · 03/11/2021 11:33

I wouldn't expect the bridesmaids to be so involved, hen party they organise but actual wedding other than making sure their dresses etc are OK and they are happy with their hair their input in my opinion is minimal. I certainly wouldn't be letting anyone other than bride and groom to do the table plan. At my wedding I had my sister and best friend on the top table and flower girls sat with parents. If I'd had lots of adult bridesmaids just my sister would have been on the top table and the rest could sit with their husbands. I think you need to speak to your sister about it.

WhenWillSleepHappen · 03/11/2021 11:39

Resign from being Bridesmaid, as you’re clearly not needed or will end up with shitty jobs on the day. Gently let your sister know that making her guests feel comfortable, and sitting with people the know / like, is important for the day to run smoothly. Ask her how she would feel if she attended a wedding and was sat with people she disliked / didn’t know and was all alone.

But make sure you go. Even if she’s being an arse. When you get married maybe she will be in a random corner too, or the kids table Wink

Scrapper142 · 03/11/2021 11:49

as this is how she wants it to be

So she actively wants to be rude to you and exclude you. It may be her day but that doesn't mean she gets to treat people badly.

I'm imaginig the grooms speech where he thanks the bridesmaids and raises a glass to them, at the top table and you shouting "don't forget the one at the back".

Honestly I think they'll drop her like stone after they get to have THEIR big day and she'll be left regretting it in a couple of years.

LittleOwl153 · 03/11/2021 11:52

At this point I would probably message the bridesmaid group including your sister and say that you have seen the joke seating plan, when are you going to see the real one.

Or if you feel it has gone beyond that with your sister I would message the group saying that you feel that your placement away from your partner and family has been done to deliberately humiliate and that they can either change it now or you will change it on the day whichever they prefer.

I would seriously consider not attending the reception in any bridesmaid dress either.

TatianaBis · 03/11/2021 12:09

If you want to turn up the heat on your sis: resign from BM and tell her if she wants you at her wedding then she changes your seating location asap.

Chloemol · 03/11/2021 12:11

@pcofmushu

I voiced quite early on in the wedding planning that I would like to be a lot more involved, and I was told that I would be as things progressed. 2 years later... !!! Anyway, i spoke to my sister - as did other family members about their similar issues - and, as expected, she has told us we are all interfering with how she wants her day, as this is how she wants it to be. She has accused us of trying to dampen her day. LOL. It's going to make for an interesting wedding day!
I would still be saying I am no longer being BM and will attend as a guest

I would then sit with my boyfriend , hopefully someone would swap

Crunchymum · 03/11/2021 12:22

So you voiced your opinion about your lack of involvement 2 years ago and now with a week to go you want to revisit this? Way too late.

The seating is odd. Can you not just ask your sister to swap someone on your BF's table with you? (it's not head table but at least you'll be with your BF). If not you'll just have to suck it up.

namechanging202020 · 03/11/2021 12:35

Message the other bridesmaids and ask them why u aren't at the top table with them!

Rinoachicken · 03/11/2021 12:36

@TatianaBis

If you want to turn up the heat on your sis: resign from BM and tell her if she wants you at her wedding then she changes your seating location asap.
Yep I’d be doing this. No way would I be allowing her to humiliate me so publicly.
Queenoftheflumps02 · 03/11/2021 12:54

OP, I find it strange that your parents seem very passive about this situation. They are obviously aware of the hurt your sister is causing you and other family members, but from what you have said appear resigned to it. My children are older, neither married, but I know in your situation I would absolutely be talking to them about their behaviour. Is there some backstory about family dynamics?

Surely, your parents are going to be extremely embarrassed on the day, when three bridesmaids are sitting with them at the top table, and their daughter and fourth BM is at the back of the room.

Original poster
pcofmushu · 03/11/2021 12:59

@Queenoftheflumps02

OP, I find it strange that your parents seem very passive about this situation. They are obviously aware of the hurt your sister is causing you and other family members, but from what you have said appear resigned to it. My children are older, neither married, but I know in your situation I would absolutely be talking to them about their behaviour. Is there some backstory about family dynamics?

Surely, your parents are going to be extremely embarrassed on the day, when three bridesmaids are sitting with them at the top table, and their daughter and fourth BM is at the back of the room.

My parents don't want to interfere, they are equally as upset and hurt (about other things in this wedding saga but similar issues) however my mum's MiL was a nightmare when it came to wedding planning and my mum wants to leave as much of it to my sister as possible. They dont want to be annoying or difficult (nor do i) hence the passive approach. Mum doesn't want to rock the boat
OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 03/11/2021 13:02

This sounds really strange OP. Did you mention the specific issue of seating? And you being the only bridesmaid at the back of the room?! It just feels so strange that she would have signed this off and couldn't explain why....

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