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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 13:05

My parents don't want to interfere, they are equally as upset and hurt (about other things in this wedding saga but similar issues) however my mum's MiL was a nightmare when it came to wedding planning and my mum wants to leave as much of it to my sister as possible. They dont want to be annoying or difficult (nor do i) hence the passive approach. Mum doesn't want to rock the boat

I still think that people should just swap around on the day. It will piss your sister off, and hopefully show her that she got it wrong, and people will be happy to sit with people they know and like.

CurzonDax · 03/11/2021 13:07

OP - I don't usually condone these sorts of behaviour, but in this instance, I think you should announce your own engagement to all your family members on the wedding day.

Then during the meal, very loudly exclaim (so everyone can hear), "How lovely it is to meet you all. How amusing that my sister placed me here with all of you - she was obviously hoping a little bit of matchmaking would happen. Sorry to disappoint the bride though, I'm already taken; I've just gotten engaged. Look at my gorgeous new ring".

(Okay, I probably wouldn't ever do anything like that, but the idea amuses me, and I wouldn't judge you, if you did.)

hopeso · 03/11/2021 13:09

She is acting like a bridezilla with her cronies in tow. You are going to have to bite the bullet and talk to her again. Perhaps gently throw in how the gossip will be all about why is the sister and 4th bridesmaid at another table and with strangers and how the other BMs usurped the family. It will become all about them not her. It doesn't look good on her. Or you need to face down the other BMs and say at the very least they need to change the seating plan to accommodate you.

MintLampShade · 03/11/2021 13:14

Have you spoken to your sister yet?

Everybody is unhappy yet no one seems to want to say anything to her or the bridesmaids. It seems very bloody weird. I'm sure it's gonna be a great day!

For what it's worth, no way I'd be sitting at the back of the room with strangers. Saying something about that is hardly interfering. Even if it's just to find out what the reason is behind that.

RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 13:15

Have you spoken to your sister yet?

Yes she has.

ChuckGarabedian · 03/11/2021 13:16

How odd OP, I have never heard of bridesmaids or any of the wedding party organising a seating plan either.

I’m sorry your sister’s response seems to disregard your feelings, that must be hurtful. If that’s how she’s going to act, then definitely do your own thing on the day - as others have suggested, just swap with someone at your boyfriend’s table or vice versa. And remember this slight when your own wedding comes round Grin

CounsellorTroi · 03/11/2021 13:20

TBH OP, if I was a guest at a wedding where one of the bridesmaids was not on the top table with all the others I would be wondering what the hell was going on. Whether there’d been a huge row on the wedding morning or something. In your position I would seriously consider resigning as bridesmaid.

whoopy1 · 03/11/2021 13:24

This is crazy! If this is how the bride wants things (and how little she cares about you) I just wouldn’t go. The other bridesmaids are total bitches and so is your sister. Does she not realise how this is going to affect your relationship, after all a sister is for life, while many friends aren’t!

I would let them get on with things and just not get in touch with any of them again. Use the money you have saved for her wedding present, accommodation etc. and have a lovely weekend away with your bf instead.

5lilducks · 03/11/2021 13:24

I agree with PPs , tell her that you no longer want to be a bridesmaid ,and then you either go to the wedding and sit with your partner or you both don't attend and book to go away somewhere nice during that time. Or you and your partner test positive on the day. I personally think it's best if you both don't go to this wedding tbh. Too much drama there, life's too short for this level of drama.

MintyCedric · 03/11/2021 13:25

Your sister sounds a bit bonkers tbh.

If you want to take the minimal rocking of the boat option at least sneak into the reception venue and switch the place cards round so you're with your partner.

If anyone asks you anything on the day just take swig another mouthful of champagne and tell them 'oh, X bridesmaid is in charge of that'.

If anyone asks you WTF is going on, is also be calm but honest about how this has all played out.

Also quite like CurzonDax suggestion tbh Grin...maybe thrown in a surprise pregnancy too for good measure!

TheLadyGrayson · 03/11/2021 13:25

Agree with PP, at the least I would choose to wear my own dress and sit with my BF if possible. It’s not very nice at all, how they’re treating you.

mintdream · 03/11/2021 13:26

Are you sure you and your DSis haven’t fallen out at some point since she started planning her wedding? The seating plan shows that she is determined to humiliate you in front of all her guests.

She may even get you thrown out of doing the official photos and sent to join the other guests if she’s quite happy for you to not publicly share her day by being on the TT.

I’d ask her nicely again to reconsider and if she still refuses then resign from being a BM.

My DM humiliated me when she gave a speech at my wedding and years later people still talk about it. Don’t make yourself a sitting duck for similar.

Original poster
pcofmushu · 03/11/2021 13:34

@MintyCedric

Your sister sounds a bit bonkers tbh.

If you want to take the minimal rocking of the boat option at least sneak into the reception venue and switch the place cards round so you're with your partner.

If anyone asks you anything on the day just take swig another mouthful of champagne and tell them 'oh, X bridesmaid is in charge of that'.

If anyone asks you WTF is going on, is also be calm but honest about how this has all played out.

Also quite like CurzonDax suggestion tbh Grin...maybe thrown in a surprise pregnancy too for good measure!

Yes, I'm loving the sound of you both!!! My kind of people 😆 @CurzonDax
It is very tempting!
OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 03/11/2021 13:36

@mintdream

Are you sure you and your DSis haven’t fallen out at some point since she started planning her wedding? The seating plan shows that she is determined to humiliate you in front of all her guests.

She may even get you thrown out of doing the official photos and sent to join the other guests if she’s quite happy for you to not publicly share her day by being on the TT.

I’d ask her nicely again to reconsider and if she still refuses then resign from being a BM.

My DM humiliated me when she gave a speech at my wedding and years later people still talk about it. Don’t make yourself a sitting duck for similar.

Absolutely nothing at all, at least not that I'm aware of! I am 10 years younger than my sister, but there's never been any fall outs. I am having serious thoughts about what to do because, as you've all confirmed, this just isn't right
OP posts:
NothingSafe · 03/11/2021 13:38

The seating plan I'd be hurt by, but the rest is fine.

I've never had 'duties' as a bridesmaid (other than to help plan the hen and help the bride on the day if she needed it). And I didn't give my bridesmaids anything to do whatsoever, other than show up on the day and stand with me.

NothingSafe · 03/11/2021 13:40

Oop sorry, didn't read the full thread - yeah your sister is being weird here!

Theremustbemoretome · 03/11/2021 13:40

I wouldn’t worry about the fallout from resigning from being a BM. She clearly doesn’t want you to be one and you’d probably be one less headache to worry about making scarce on the day.

Sorry Op, but your sister is a bitch and your parents spineless. Even if they couldn’t influence her to change her mind, they could at least try but they would rather see their younger DD humiliated to avoid rocking the boat with their bridezilla DD.

1forAll74 · 03/11/2021 13:41

You can only tell your Sister how you feel now, and maybe ask for reasons about the way things have been done.Best not to dwell on this now and just try and enjoy the wedding.

RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 13:46

I think swapping the place cards around is the best idea.

Mosaic123 · 03/11/2021 13:46

I've found that people who are unhappy with where they are sitting often swap the name cards around if they are able to.
Your sister might find this happens. Or maybe it's just peculiar to weddings I have been to over the years.

Notaroadrunner · 03/11/2021 13:48

Absolutely nothing at all, at least not that I'm aware of! I am 10 years younger than my sister, but there's never been any fall outs. I am having serious thoughts about what to do because, as you've all confirmed, this just isn't right

Just tell her that as you are not included in any bridesmaids duties, and you are not even sitting with the wedding party, that you will step down as a bridesmaid and you wish to sit with your partner. If she refuses to change the seating I'd seriosly consider giving the reception a miss as she clearly doesn't give a shit about you. She is a horrible person. Stop being so afraid of upsetting her. She's being a total bitch and doesn't care that she's upsetting you so why should you give a damn about her?

Nanny0gg · 03/11/2021 14:02

My thinking would be, that if that's how little she cares about me then I just wouldn't go at all

CombatBarbie · 03/11/2021 14:16

It's all or nothing, as in all BMs on top table or none at all. Are BMs on TT with their partners? Have you been seated with your partner (I had a quick look but couldn't see)

It does sound like you are a BM out of duty and would resign.

RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 14:17

She is behaving the way she is because everyone lets her. Why is everyone pussy footing around her? Does she fly off the handle easily?

YoungGiftedPlump · 03/11/2021 14:23

Dearest Sister

I do not want to put a damper on your day nor do I want to be the centre of conversations and speculation

The decision to sit me away from the top table is already causing comment but to then separate me from my partner will only add to the gossip.

I cant bear thought of having to field endless questions about why there is a schism between us when I do not know the answer.

I dont want to distract from your perfect day and so I have decided that we will not be attending.

Love always

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