Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

@Korbah

I think you have to rise above it, so go along and just show a polite interest in whatever people say. Don’t mention the group chat. Thanks, this is the sort of useful advice I was looking for about how to handle the situation going forward. It’s awful though. I basically have to accept being disconnected from the lives of all my inlaws and nieces nephews etc. Just because MIL took a tantrum about me shielding.

Fuck rising above it.

Your husband is a spineless wanker who has gone behind your back for a year. You were always going to find out about this total shittyness - the only variable was exactly when that would be. But his putting off telling MIL made it clear he has form for burying his head in the sand, a total ostrich.

Frankly, it's a dealbreaker for me . That lack of respect for me, played out in full view of his family so they all know he doesn't respect me - dealbreaker.

My view of my husband would be undergoing a fairly radical change now. He's shown me he will always prioritise his mother over his wife. I would totally lose any respect I had for him. And his family.

He's scared of her overreactions. So he'll shit on you (by keeping you in the dark) to avoid her making a scene and because he calculates you won't make a scene. He chooses the cowardly 'easier' path of placating his mother by doing what she wants. So that would shape my future actions. I would be what he so patently doesn't want - a huge scene-maker.

I'd go to hers at Christmas. And at a pre-chosen point (serving up dinner?) I would go fucking nuclear. I'd tell the lot of them that you're aware of being ostracised from the group chat because of MILs histrionics and I'd tell them all (including you, husband dearest) are the biggest bunch of wankers I've ever had the misfortune to meet and I hope never to see their craven little faces again. And by the way MIL, you want your boy but not his wife? Here, have him. I don't want him any more. Like I said, his persistent behaviour since last Christmas, a year of going behind my back is a dealbreaker for me.

Yes that’s the one, thank you!

That’s so bloody awful, hurtful, spiteful and just a fucking horrible thing of your mil to do.

Your husband is just as bad.

YANBU in any way shape or form.

@WhereYouLeftIt
Good afternoon, Dirty Den, I knew you weren't dead...
Doof doof doof doof doof do do do do do do doooo

Just had a read of the other thread, your DH actually said to you "this is why nobody likes you"? How are you two still together?

Wow. It’s a MN cliché but you have a HUGE DH problem - so his Mum being upset is worth letting his wife be ostracised for, but you being upset doesn’t even register? I’d be sending the selfish prick to Christmas by himself for being such a cowardly arse that he’s kept this from you and not called his family out on this behaviour, take the kids to your own family this year. What an absolutely pathetic excuse for a husband.

[quote Youseethethingis]@WhereYouLeftIt
Good afternoon, Dirty Den, I knew you weren't dead...
Doof doof doof doof doof do do do do do do doooo
[/quote]
Absolutely. But if I were in the OP's position, I would now consider my marriage to be over. And I'm petty enough to want to twist the knife as I leave.

I would be so interested in knowing if there was chat as in poor Bob married to OP who wouldn’t let him come last Christmas
BILs and SILs probably appreciate the situation with me being CEV. But MIL clearly blames me so they’ve probably just let her. In fact that must be the case, because if anyone had disagreed with her they’d be excluded too.

you weren't bothered enough about being disconnected to reach out individually, you are only complaining now because you know about the group chat
I actually have been texting photos of my DC etc to individuals. I thought that was what we were doing now because nobody was using the group chat any more. Now I know it’s because they have a new group chat without me. Which also explains why I wasn’t getting stuff from them about their families - they’ve been putting it in the new group chat. Now I know they’re excluding me I won’t be contacting any of them any more.

@AryaStarkWolf

Just had a read of the other thread, your DH actually said to you "this is why nobody likes you"? How are you two still together?

And he also roped in 'everybody at work' as part of his slagging-off-wife narrative? Dear god. That's monstrous, if that's the same OP.

I voted YABU but I'd like to change my vote

I think it's nasty.

EVERYONE in the extended family, including spouses/partners of MIL's children, are included. Except OP. On purpose.

I'd be quite angry with OP's DH, however, as the main problem: he is your husband, he is supposed to have your back, not his mother's. He either agrees with you or he doesn't, but participating in an inclusive family chat that is actively excluding you is not on and he should never have stood for it.

so the question is, what are you going to say to your husband for participating in this crap that his mother has set up? And how on earth does he expect you to want to spend Christmas with people who happily treated you in this manner? i certainly wouldn't

I think this is unbearably mean op and echo all the pp who said you have a dh problem
I'd tell him I was either added to the group or I wouldn't go to mil for Christmas. And I'd mean it.

Hmm the text in the other thread is a bit different, no mention of the OP's mother on this one, which does change the dynamic slightly.

But ultimately, yeah, why are you still with this guy?

@Chocolatewheatos

God I think it's awful. Your husband totally set you up refusing to deal with it sooner and he's allowed them to talk behind your back and let you socialise them completely unaware of that fact. Can you imagine how much worse you'd have felt if you'd found out while at a family gathering. He's really let you down.

This

@Oneborneverydecade

I voted YABU but I'd like to change my vote

I think you can re-click iyswim.

YANBU. That is so hurtful and is deliberate exclusion.

You have a major DH problem.

Your MIL is awful.

Your other in laws don't sound great either that they were happy to go along with a group chat for one year excluding you.

I would refuse to spend Christmas with them this year after her actions last year and also for excluding you - how did you even agree to it? If your DH wants to go, he can go on his own but the DC stay home with you. Do you have family you could go to instead?

you haven’t said if she has form for this type of behaviour
Oh yes. DH was the last child living at home and when he got a girlfriend she didn’t speak to him for weeks. When he took me on holiday (leaving her at home with FIL) she didn’t speak to him for a month. On a shopping trip (back in the early days before I knew she was nuts) I offered to fetch her a bigger size because she was struggling to get her foot into the shoe she was trying - and she didn’t speak to me for weeks because apparently by suggesting a bigger size I’d implied she had fat feet. And one time she was telling us about some antivirus software she bought but we weren’t allowed to tell her it was a scam because that would be questioning her judgement and interfering in her personal affairs, and she would have taken a tantrum... so we kept quiet to keep the peace, and she ended up losing several hundred pounds before the bank stopped it.

I could continue but you get the gist. We aren’t allowed to say anything to her in case she takes a tantrum. Hence why DH didn’t dare tell her we weren’t coming for Xmas dinner.

Do you have family you could go to instead?
I only have my parents who are nearly 80. They usually go out to a restaurant with their oldest friends on Xmas day. I know DC would rather be in a busy house for Xmas with lots of cousins to play with, I don’t want to take that away. But I really don’t want to go now that I’ve found out they’ve all been excluding me.

Your MIL sounds hard work but your DH is the bigger problem here.

For six years everyone was included in the group chat. Now it’s everyone except me. I’ve asked to be added and DH said no. Because he said if he adds me then MIL will leave the group chat again and they’ll just set up a new group chat without me again.

What a nasty piece of work. Your DH that is. Both for telling you this which is horrible but also for allowing you to be excluded and not having your back.

I’ve always been in this situation. EVERYONE in my dh’s extended maternal family is in the group chat except me. Even people who’ve married into the family in the last couple of years. Even my dcs. Tbh it just gives me more reason to be distant from them.

Do all the family members (not MIL) realise you're not on the group chat? Is it possible they just assume you're on there, or have forgotten that you are not?

If they know that you are not on there, and that the group was deliberately set up to exclude you rather than you didn't want to be in it any more, then they're being very unkind.

I would ask your DH to add a comment to the group chat ie 'Oops just realised we haven't included Korbah to the group chat I will add her (or if he can't add ask someone else to). Depending on how the MIL reacted to that would depend then if I wanted to spend Xmas with her. If she isn't shitty you can hopefully put what happened last Dec behind you.

Do you know who set it up and then added everyone but you? Was is definitely MIL?

Why do people on here have to be so horrible ffs, haven't read the full thread but first 2 pages being nasty to the OP.
OP I think your MIL sounds like a nightmare, their concern last Xmas should have been your health not her bloody family Christmas and to block you is incredibly childish! Then to create a new family chat without you in it is horrible. My DH is in my family group chat as I'm in his as we are all family. And the fact that you were once included in the group and now aren't says it all. I think your DH ought to be a bit more supportive, I wouldn't let my family treat my spouse like this.

I’m sorry but your DH is a heartless self serving man child.

He essentially threw you under the bus, did not tell you that a new group chat had been set up (a year ago) and now won’t add you to the group. WTAF shock angry

I would not got to your MIL’s house on Christmas Day and certainly would not allow my children to go as well. I would not let them go on the basis that there father was/is okay with their mother being excluded from his side of the family.

@Korbah you have two choices

1. Play ball, let them to continue to disrespect you and let your MIL and your man child treat you appallingly.

Or

1. Refuse to go at Christmas, get your ducks in a row and Chuck your arsehole husband out.

Here are some flowers