Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

Why is it nasty for him to have a conversation with his family?

It isn’t. But it is nasty for MIL to block OP and deliberately exclude her where previously she was included.

@Korbah enjoy the peace and quiet and that DH is the one who has to deal with these people from now on.

Sorry OP but you have a husband problem as well. MIL was totally unreasonable and sounds like she has some serious issues (tearing down xmas decorations and running down the street is not normal behaviour) but your 'D'H has actively participated in them pushing you out

TBH I'd be most angry with your DH, he excluded you from the group too and kept the whole thing a secret. Sounds like he prioritises keeping his mother happy over you. Personally mummies boys give me the ick.

Yep you mainly have a DH problem.

Whether the other members if the family still see you even though they know you are not in the group anymore isn’t the main issue. After all, your DH might be showing you all the posts! Instead he hid the group.
He did the same thing with you than he did with his mum. Avoid the subject for how long as possible in the hope it will go away. And he did that both times regardless of the cost to you.

You need a chat with your DH on whether he is actually ready to support you and back you up with his family or not.
What I wouodnt do is ponder to everyone feelings. They are surprised that they didn’t know dc had done this or that. Send them back to DH on the ground you’re not in the group anymore. MIL unhappy she doesn’t see photos? Same. You didn’t know about what dc or sibling has done. Express sadness that you weren’t told about it.
Just now everyone seems to be pandering to MIL ‘because otherwise she will get upset’. You didn’t have to sing to the same tune or play the same game.

I am surprised to hear you have DCs!

So no family member, aunt, uncle, cousin, DGP have shown any interest in what you or your DCs are doing for the last year - because MIL had a hissy fit last Xmas - what a bunch of miserable sods and DH is the biggest.

@Korbah

I think you have to rise above it, so go along and just show a polite interest in whatever people say. Don’t mention the group chat. Thanks, this is the sort of useful advice I was looking for about how to handle the situation going forward. It’s awful though. I basically have to accept being disconnected from the lives of all my inlaws and nieces nephews etc. Just because MIL took a tantrum about me shielding.

No you don't have to go along with this. Tell them that you have made alternative plans as you were unaware that there was a group chat for sharing news / making plans. Such a shame. If only you had known etc etc. Do not let them treat you like this. And if your DH doesn't like it. Tell him to grow a spine!

If you do go to another family function and people assume you know stuff, don't cover up the exclusion, be open about it. Let it sink in. Let it be uncomfortable

Do this^

Also, I'd be having a serious conversation with DH about why it's ok to keep MIL at your expense - why is he fine with this?!

Your MIL is batshit. But at the end of the day you don't have to have very much (anything) to do with her if you don't want to.

A much bigger problem is that your DH seems to prefer upsetting his wife to upsetting his mother. He has deliberately not told you about something he knows is awful behaviour because it gives him a quieter life at the cost of excluding you, his wife.

I'm sorry but I couldn't stay married to a man like that if married life was always going to follow that pattern.

Let your DH manage the relationship with his mother. If she wants updates and photos of your kids, she'll have to make an effort.
A lot of wives take over the in-laws relationship from their husband. Hubby gets to sit in the back seat and do nothing, and keeps his golden balls status with Mummy, while wifey has to negotiate the MIL demands.

I would be perfectly happy to be left out of DH family chat.
Look on the bright side.
However remind DH not to accept any invitations on your behalf.

There are no what's app chats in my family and I manage to keep up with and in touch with every family member. Although I realise that being excluded doesn't feel nice, it certainly doesn't mean you need to feel disconnected from all of your husband's family.

This has possibly/probably been answsered but can't see it. How far in advance did you give your in-laws that you weren't going last Christmas? Your MILs reaction sounds batshit and I'm trying to think, perhaps if the fact that they thought you were going meant that they had not invited someone else/another sibling who then couldn't attend as you 'dropped out' short notice and it meant she missed out on seeing her family as a result?
Still not appropriate reaction mind.

Other than ignore it, I don't think there is much you can do. if you mention it they'll think you're petty.

@trumpisagit

I would be perfectly happy to be left out of DH family chat. Look on the bright side. However remind DH not to accept any invitations on your behalf.

This is the thing isn't it. She can't exclude the OP in such a nasty way but also expect her to turn up with the kids on Christmas day as well. I'd be saying to her DH - fine have your group and allow MIL exclude me but if you think I'm going to sit and ruin my Christmas day with her pretending everything is fine you have another thing coming

DH is not on any of my family chats (tbf he's not even on WhatsApp!)

He texts his family, they sometimes message me, I sort out stuff with mine

Op your husband is spineless. He should be on your side, not sneaking around behind your back because he's frightened of Mummy.

RTFT now and feel your DH IBU - he should have added you to the new group. Understand why you would feel betrayed by him; that's not nice

My MIL behaved like an emotionally incontinent bellend last Christmas too. DH won't speak to her unless it's to hear her apology. His first loyalty is to me, his wife. His mother can tantrum all she likes because it's nothing to do with us anymore.
She tried to get DS to go to her at a family wedding at the weekend there. He just shook his head and walked away. He's 2 and he hasn't the first idea who this woman is!
You reap what you sow in this life. If your husbands family don't think of you as family theres no earthly reason why you should have to suffer through "family occasions" with them.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

This has possibly/probably been answsered but can't see it. How far in advance did you give your in-laws that you weren't going last Christmas? Your MILs reaction sounds batshit and I'm trying to think, perhaps if the fact that they thought you were going meant that they had not invited someone else/another sibling who then couldn't attend as you 'dropped out' short notice and it meant she missed out on seeing her family as a result? Still not appropriate reaction mind.

Other than ignore it, I don't think there is much you can do. if you mention it they'll think you're petty.

No one was supposed to be seeing family last Christmas unless they were in a bubble

So was it the MIL having the tantrum or you?

Op I would expect my dh to include me on any family chats if I had been part of them before, because the exclusion looks like a punishment beating and putting you firmly outside the family fold.
He should have your back!!
How long has the exclusive family chat been running for? If a few days fine, but if we are talking months he has kept it secret from you that is very different.

I would be making it very clear the children and I won’t be joining ANY family events inc Christmas until relations are repaired and you are made to feel genuinely welcome.
What they are doing now is bullying and excluding - both unacceptable orchestrated by your bitter MIL and enabled by your weak and spineless Dh.

@Briony123

So was it the MIL having the tantrum or you?

Eh? Op turns down Christmas invite, mother pulls down decorations, won't stop crying and disappears requiring FIL to ring around...

Yes I wonder who had the tantrum.

Your health by the way should be everyone’s priority including MIL, and was more important than one bloody Christmas!

YOUR HUSBAND IS THE MAIN PROBLEM HERE.

HTH.

No one was supposed to be seeing family last Christmas unless they were in a bubble

Ah right. I actually can't remember as we were only seeing our bubble anyways! I remember the idea of a 3 house hold setup being mentioned...

They are definitely being very unreasonable

But I still think I wouldn't have 'nothing to do with them ever again' - for DH's sake. I would remain civil but cool.