Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

Don't know why all the posters are saying you are unreasonable. Yes people are allowed to have different group chats with different people but you've made it very clear that this is the main chat with everyone except you and was set up as a direct result of the issues last year.

The fact that your dh is refusing to add you because mil will leave again is pathetic. He shouldn't be using you as a scape goat and letting his family exclude you and his mum needs to get a grip! If she left that chat you should have all carried on in the main chat without her not made a new one to pacify her and deliberately exclude you. It's blatant bullying. Loads of people were disappointed about Christmas last year but they just acted like adults about it.

Mind you this is an amazing excuse to never spend another Christmas with them so at least there's that.

Wow they're nasty and your husband is a dick. Can you go to your own family this Christmas seeing as you are not part of the Bloggs family anymore? Fuck them.

I think it is mean of them to exclude you HOWEVER - you weren't bothered enough about being disconnected to reach out individually, you are only complaining now because you know about the group chat.

So you aren't actually bothered about those things, you are just sulking because you have been left out.

I would be more upset with my DH’s lack of support than I would be angry at my in-laws. He had the opportunity to explain to his mum about why you couldn’t come last Christmas, presumably he knew on this occasion that there was no “ good way” to tell your MIL so just bottled it. He made you be the bad guy so that he can be the good son ( I would be so interested in knowing if there was chat as in poor Bob married to OP who wouldn’t let him come last Christmas). I would be honest with my DH and say this is all on him and that if you do go for Christmas you’ll tell them all that he was in agreement not to come last year. Actually I wouldn’t if it were me because I wouldn’t go at all, let DH do what he wants and make my own plans. Even for me who is very family orientated and sucks up a lot to keep the peace and who loves Christmas I couldn’t go and be pleasant and smiley with people who have made it perfectly clear I am not part of their family.

Yes you would be unreasonable to cut out your in laws for good because they had a WhatsApp chat group without you in it.

Here’s my take on the situation. Your MIL clearly has issues. Her reaction to you’re not coming to Christmas shows that. The fact that your DH put off telling her of your non-attendance, leads me to believe that the family will do anything for a quiet life so as not to tip her over the edge, rightly or wrongly. Yes, your DH should have your back, but I can see why he wouldn’t if he’s, assumingly, had to put up with a lifetime of this behaviour. The past 18 months have been a complete mind fuck for all of us - you haven’t said if she has form for this type of behaviour, but I’d be inclined to cut MIL some slack on that basis alone.

Your DH does need to stand up to her, but again, if this is her standard behaviour, then it’s easier said than done. He’s in a difficult position here. Does he cut off contact with the family, because of a group chat, when by your own admission, they’ve been civil to you face to face, or does he ruin relations with you because he wants maintain his family ties, when he should have had your back?

I would suggest you let this go, for your own sanity. Exclusion isn’t nice, but just as we teach our kids not to exclude others, don’t we also teach our kids that those who exclude them have issues, and it’s for them to work on? It’s hurtful behaviour, but leave them to it. I would also echo other posters in creating your own channels for family updates - if they don’t want to post info twice, then fine, let it go, but at least you’ve tried to maintain a relationship and been the bigger and better person.

MiL sounds batshit but perhaps she has 'issues' / MH problems and the family tip-toe around her so she gets away with the bullshit behaviour. I'd stay out of it and let them got on with their chatter.

Perhaps your husband will 'share' newsy items with you so you can respond privately to the family member with congratulations etc and keep in touch with them on an ad hoc basis. That way they'll know you're still interested in the goings on and you can continue a relationship with the rest of the family.

@Korbah

Yes it was mean for them to all leave the group and set up a new one without you, but do you really want to be involved? They’re all communicating regularly about their lives and I’m the only one who’s excluded. I didn’t receive the photos of my SIL’s graduation. Or my nephew’s first day at school. Or my niece’s exam results. Or the twins in their Halloween costumes for their school disco. DH showed me some photos and I thought they must have been sent to him directly, but it turns out they were put in the family chat so everyone saw them except me. I’m basically excluded from everything they share.

Are you close to your DH’s family at all? Because although you’re not part of the group, if your relationship was a good one, they’ve have sent it to you anyway. Or actually raise the issue of you not being part of the group.

Texting her in a group chat would have been taken pretty badly. She may have experienced that as her getting shamed in front of the group. Your DH is a wimp when it comes to his mother. It seems they are all afraid of her and she thinks her family is the main family with her as the head and other families are lesser and are her 'children' whom she is still entitled to control.

You are better off not being on the group chat. I asked to be removed from a chat set up by an inlaw because it was so pressurising. If it wasn't competitive photos of other people's kids amazing achievements it was in-laws inviting themselves over for visits where you could not politely decline without it seeming like you were binning someone off.
Really you are better off. Think of how your head would be wrecked every time your phone pings.

Yanbu.

Your husband sounds like he panders to her so id let him get on with it and step back. Need a card picking up for MIL? No I'm inot part of the family. Cook lunch for them. No, not part of the family. Go for te? No, not part of the family. Make it hos problem to solve if he wants to, otherwise e joy your new easier life. oh, and dont get drawn into a row with him. Its no different to what they are doing.

@flatclearancehelp

MiL sounds batshit but perhaps she has 'issues' / MH problems and the family tip-toe around her so she gets away with the bullshit behaviour. I'd stay out of it and let them got on with their chatter.

Perhaps your husband will 'share' newsy items with you so you can respond privately to the family member with congratulations etc and keep in touch with them on an ad hoc basis. That way they'll know you're still interested in the goings on and you can continue a relationship with the rest of the family.

Why would you just accept second class citizen status like that though?

Sorry you’ve been excluded and your DH has been compliant in keeping the new group from you, I think it’s really hurtful. Personally I’d have a private chat with MIL when I saw her in person. I’d explain how sorry I was not to be able to enjoy Christmas before I was vaccinated and I’d explain how hurt I am at being excluded by her from the family chat. I’d go from there. As for DH - does he understand how hurtful and disloyal he’s been? It’s fine for him to chat to his family privately but this chat only excludes you - really mean.

@Korbah

Excluding you from the group chat, which he’s not told you about, but expecting you to attend family events, knowing that you’re being ostracised, is a gigantic breach of trust. This is the problem. He knew they’d excluded me. He knew they were exchanging photos of the kids and I was the only one who wasn’t seeing them. He knew I was the only one not being updated on Bill’s new job and Ben running the marathon and Bob growing a huge tomato that won the village fete. And he allowed that to happen and said nothing. And he let me meet up with them and sit there like an ignorant spanner while they all knew they’d ostracised me. I still wouldn’t know if I hadn’t happened to accidentally see “Bloggs Family Chat” on his phone.

He knew they’d excluded me.

Did he just accept/not notice you were not on the group. Or did he collude with them on your exclusion? Did he discuss with them the reasons you were excluded and not tell you?

I would be furious with dh about this and expect answers to those questions.

I would be really hurt and pissed off too OP - mainly at your DH. I'd like to think that my partner would have told me when the new chat group was set up and would have asked for me to be added off his own back. Definitely set up to exclude you.

Now that you've added more context I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your MIL sounds unhinged and selfish of that how she reacted over Xmas. But like others have said you have a DH problem. I would expect my DH to have my back and to support me if I was CEV and as a nuclear family we were being careful. Your dh needs to grow a set. Has he had a grown up conversation with his DM since then addressing how she reacted and the exclusion? Apart from the WhatsApp group are you excluded in other ways?

@musicviking1

My husband is in family chats that I'm not included in but I don't feel I need to be.

Were you included in those chats previously, along with the ENTIRE family? Did one member of the group get the raging hump and set that chat up without you? Are your husbands entire family, including your inlaws in there and not you?

Unless it's the above you cant really compare them.

Personally I'd say to DH to tell his DM to "forgive you" and include you in the chat, as you've been "seem to have been "accidentally forgotten" or you won't be going to Christmas. If he won't stand up for you then don't get involved with anyone going forward. It's hard, we have a rift in our family, I could ignore it, but my DH holds a grudge. I have to side with DH as he's my partner I live with and have my kids with. He's my current family. I can only assume that your DM is finding it hard to let her children go if she lost it so much over one Xmas.

@Hadjab

Here’s my take on the situation. Your MIL clearly has issues. Her reaction to you’re not coming to Christmas shows that. The fact that your DH put off telling her of your non-attendance, leads me to believe that the family will do anything for a quiet life so as not to tip her over the edge, rightly or wrongly. Yes, your DH should have your back, but I can see why he wouldn’t if he’s, assumingly, had to put up with a lifetime of this behaviour. The past 18 months have been a complete mind fuck for all of us - you haven’t said if she has form for this type of behaviour, but I’d be inclined to cut MIL some slack on that basis alone.

Your DH does need to stand up to her, but again, if this is her standard behaviour, then it’s easier said than done. He’s in a difficult position here. Does he cut off contact with the family, because of a group chat, when by your own admission, they’ve been civil to you face to face, or does he ruin relations with you because he wants maintain his family ties, when he should have had your back?

I would suggest you let this go, for your own sanity. Exclusion isn’t nice, but just as we teach our kids not to exclude others, don’t we also teach our kids that those who exclude them have issues, and it’s for them to work on? It’s hurtful behaviour, but leave them to it. I would also echo other posters in creating your own channels for family updates - if they don’t want to post info twice, then fine, let it go, but at least you’ve tried to maintain a relationship and been the bigger and better person.

He still could have told her - but explained his reasoning. The fact that he kept quiet for a YEAR. Did he think she was never going to find out? It’s blatantly obvious in family conversations when everyone else knows what’s going and OP doesn’t. Unless they all agree to talk about neutral topics in front of her.

Also nobody teaches their kids that those who are excluding have issues that need to be worked on. Exclusion is bullying, a serious matter and should be treated as such.

Even if everyone else privately messaged OP to say this is going on it would be fine. Instead they all ignored her for a year. Meaning she wasn’t important and nobody cares.

That’s the truth and very very hard to get over.

My DH comes from a large, dispersed family.

After years of little / no communication, I set up a group chat for them, mainly because I like most of them a lot, and we live a long way away.

One family member posted a highly-offensive video. Absolutely awful. Especially considering there are young teens on the chat.

I called him out on it on the group, just asking him to take it down, and saying that if he wanted to share it with the adults only, that was up to him.

Cue a LOAD of abuse from other family members to me, 'oh, he's only joking', 'oh, it's nothing they couldn't see anywhere else etc.' Absolutely no care for the fact that it was a really nasty video, and that without me having set it up, there would be no wider family chat at all!!

So I left.

I now get updates from DH.

I felt really upset about it at the time. But they were just getting angsty about it. I'm not going to let the whole thing get in the way of my overall relationship with them. I just know a bit more about how a few of them work now.

It's actually a win / win for me. Family are chatting and I get updates. Perfect.

Try this.

If it’s just him and his siblings ok

If it’s siblings plus partners and you are the only one not included then yes it’s nasty

YANBU.

Seems like your MIL has them all in thrall, so that she doesn't kick off with any of them, so they're just keeping quiet for a quiet life.

Your DH is despicable for not fucking telling you that there was another group chat, and at least bloody SHOWING you all the pics and announcements or anything like that! It's not like his mother would have known that you'd see them, if he'd shown you them on his own phone. I'm disgusted with his behaviour.

The other siblings and their partners - do they all 100% know that you're deliberately excluded? Do you think any of them might be assuming that your DH is showing you the messages, so that you are kept in the loop? Or are they all just running too scared of MIL to go against her wishes, in case she metes out the same treatment to them too?

You've effectively been "sent to Coventry" by MIL and everyone else is going along with it - and your DH is not standing up for you, when he should be. Honestly, if they all turned round and said
"@Korbah should be back in the group" what is she going to do - block ALL of them? Actually she might, but then she'd be the one out in the cold!

What do you do - well, I think having a possible infection come on around Christmas would be my favourite at this point, now that you know what arseholes they've all been. You've seen them this year and no one has seen fit to let you know what's been going on (including your shitbag husband!) so it's not like you'd be seen to be petulant about it - you're just safeguarding your health, as it is right you should.

So sorry they've done this - bunch of cunts.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

YANBU.

Seems like your MIL has them all in thrall, so that she doesn't kick off with any of them, so they're just keeping quiet for a quiet life.

Your DH is despicable for not fucking telling you that there was another group chat, and at least bloody SHOWING you all the pics and announcements or anything like that! It's not like his mother would have known that you'd see them, if he'd shown you them on his own phone. I'm disgusted with his behaviour.

The other siblings and their partners - do they all 100% know that you're deliberately excluded? Do you think any of them might be assuming that your DH is showing you the messages, so that you are kept in the loop? Or are they all just running too scared of MIL to go against her wishes, in case she metes out the same treatment to them too?

You've effectively been "sent to Coventry" by MIL and everyone else is going along with it - and your DH is not standing up for you, when he should be. Honestly, if they all turned round and said
"@Korbah should be back in the group" what is she going to do - block ALL of them? Actually she might, but then she'd be the one out in the cold!

What do you do - well, I think having a possible infection come on around Christmas would be my favourite at this point, now that you know what arseholes they've all been. You've seen them this year and no one has seen fit to let you know what's been going on (including your shitbag husband!) so it's not like you'd be seen to be petulant about it - you're just safeguarding your health, as it is right you should.

So sorry they've done this - bunch of cunts.

Exactly. I’d never be able to trust DP again if he did something like this. The fact that he honestly cannot see why it’s an issue

I
Having read all you posts now I think you have been treated very badly

In fact I would not be standing for it and would be telling dh he can go own and I will go to my family. I would also not be attending any family event again and take no interest in his family and he can explain why, because of the behaviour of him, mil and the rest of the family deliberately excluding you from their life

This is horrible behaviour. Clearly your mil is nuts but your dh should not be allowing this to happen. Of course your feel excluded - you are being deliberately excluded. Your dh needs to have a rational conversation with his mum - she is bullying his wife and he needs to stand up for you.

@Viviennemary

Its a family chat and you turned down their invitation last year. You're not really family just an in law. If you are included nice. If not thats up to them. No need to have a tantrum about it.

@Viviennemary

Well, aren't you a lovely person??!! 🙄🙄

Since when is an in-law not family?