Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

Sorry I just read the bit about 3 households and forgot the not mixing rule didn't apply to the whole country.

YANBU OP. Your MIL is awful and your husband is a knob

I initially said yabu but now I think yanbu

That's some brass neck meeting up with you but having a chat that excludes you. MIL and your h are to blame here (especially your h) who should have your back. He is clearly more upset about upsetting his mum than you. She's not the first person to have acted badly and he should have demanded an apology to you for doing the right thing for everyone (you and your kids) by not mixing. It might have been a shock not to have the Xmas she expected but this is a life and death situation for you and she should have been adult enough to apologise profusely.

At a bare minimum I would not be doing any more IL related things from now on. Your h needs to organize gifts and if you'd rather stay at home than visit her then do so. Your h clearly doesn't care if your part of his side or the family and your MIL is happy to pretend that you don't exist.

As for the others, especially the ones who married into the family, I wouldn't be as angry with them because they are probably going along with what their spouse wants which is not to be the target of her irrational temper.

Have you read the chat? From the time that MIL blocked you, how long until the new chat started?

I think this is something you need to address with your DH firstly - how monumentally upset you are with him that he’s been hiding the chat group all along, has not defended you to MIL etc etc

Secondly, you need to ask him to man up to his mum about last Christmas. And to let her know that you’ll be joining the chat group, end of. And that if she leaves it, he’s gone also for good.

If he refuses all of this, you know where you stand….

Obviously you were excluded from the new group because your MIL was rightly or wrongly angry at you. Then neither of you chose to resolve the matter when you did meet up. MIL hasn't forgotten she doesn't want to be in a chat group with you, her choice.

Well, on the positive side, they are your DH’s parents, his siblings, his nieces and nephews. You don’t have to remember any of their birthdays going forward, organise Christmas gifts for them. You don’t need to update them on what your children do, send photos or anything. You don’t need to invite them to your home or host or cook for them. That’s all your DH’s responsibility. You can just be the polite In-law who visits occasionally and can sit and be hosted.

Imagine having all that crossed off your To Do list.

It seems extremely OTT that your MIL would go to these lengths. Especially if she now isnt seeing updates of your DC as you say your DH isnt on the ball. Could there be more to it? If your DH has kept this group secret from you then perhaps there is more to the issue he hasnt told you. If I were you I would go to MIL (you say she wont answer the phone so in person may be best) and just ask directly why she was so angry and why she created the new group and excluded you. With DH & FIL as witnesses to what is said. Explain you do not feel comfortable at Christmas now and would like to get this story straight as to what happened.

you mention you've only seen mil a few times this year, doesn't she want to see your dc more often?

I understand. My SILs set up a WhatsApp group that includes my husband's parents, all siblings and all of their partners etc, I'm the only family member not included. I too found out by accident. But actually, it was a blessing in disguise. I used to feel like I had to make an effort to take the kids to visit them, or send photos etc etc, keep links but now I don't. I don't do anything. I don't buy birthday presents or remind my husband to do it anymore. If I get invited somewhere that involves them I nod and smile. If they reference something from the group I just say breezily "oh I didn't get that", (they reference the group a lot in my presence...) and it's great. No drama, no pressure. Highly recommend disengaging to "polite when I have to be" level.

This must be so hurtful for you.
The problem I see is your husband. Not only because he refused to tell his mother you couldn't come (which is absolutely pathetic), but more because he refused to tell you about the new group and even kept it secret from you - which is a terrible betrayal.
If he is so under his mother's thumb that he wouldn't tell you about it, it's hard to see how his siblings and their partners could, really. Could you find some pretext to set up a new group with the siblings and partners? And although I would want them to know how hurtful their sneaky behaviour has been, I actually think it would serve your purposes better if you appear blithely unaware of any problem. Because you don't want them to think Oh MIL would go crazy if I joined Korbah's group.

Your Dh has effectively colluded in excluding you. Surely he should be putting you first rather than his family. The thing is the whole family are in on this. I couldn't be in the same room with them and I wouldn't want my children around a woman so unhinged she ripped down the Christmas decorations and stormed off into the night because of a completely reasonable and understandable CEV shielding person, shielding. Especially when the country was told to minimise contact at Christmas.

Eh? I have a family chat group with my brother's and my mum in. No partners are in it. You're being weird

It sounds hurtful. But like others have said I would use it as an excuse to step right back. I would be doing as little as possible with them. Make your own plans and constantly say "oh I didn't know xyz was planned so I've arranged to do something else, sorry."
I think if she's deliberately excluding you then she can't expect you to meet up at planned events. Is there a plan for Christmas? I hope you're not going to a big family affair. Just say "I'm sorry I don't want to go where I'm not welcome, especially at Christmas." It doesn't have to be a big drama either. She's taken a big step back from you, so there should be no problem with you doing the same.

YABU slightly yeah, it's a bit extreme and dramatic to never have anything to do with them again over this.You would be putting your husband in a difficult position to do so, and clearly he doesn't know how to handle that because he didnt bother to tell your MIL about Christmas.

The fact that there's been a group chat all this time without your knowledge is shitty though. Your husband seems to be the issue here. He has been a part of this group without telling you, downplayed it when you asked him about it, and he also didn't have the balls to tell them about Christmas. Now you're the bad guy because he's a coward.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

YOUR HUSBAND IS THE MAIN PROBLEM HERE.

HTH.

Say it louder for the hard of hearing

OP you are CEV and this was last Christmas when everything was spiralling towards another lockdown, as well as before vaccinations started - your MIL is not just batshit she's a selfish, uncaring b! I have a feeling she doesn't give a toss about you being present for Christmas, it was in reaction to you being the villain because you were stopping her seeing her ds and your dc and therefore ruining her perfect family Christmas. Sounds quite similar to my own dm actually, who also goes batshit when she doesn't get everything the way she wants it with everyone happily obeying her rules. She's a narcissist and sounds like your mil is too.

Everyone else is either too scared to upset her and feel her wrath, or they think you don't want to be in the new group after the drama OR that dh is keeping you up to date. I wonder if he ever posts anything in the group about your own family unit? Surely the others are finding it a bit strange if he's not - that's what you used to do in the old one and now you're not in it. If I was in the group I'd be questioning why you're not there + why your dh doesn't post updates on your family? It's horrible that nobody else, not even a fellow partner of one of the siblings has reached out to you for almost a year! Perhaps mil or dh have lied and said you don't want to be in the group, or more likely mil saying you don't deserve to be in the group and your dh is being a spineless mummy's boy and going along with it.

I don't think I could be around dh if he'd done something so disloyal and underhand, I think you really need to have a serious talk with him about this. Even if his mother is a narc who rules the family (check out the Stately Homes thread it's eye opening) and he's stuck in the fog (fear, obligation and guilt), he's a grown man with a wife and dc to put first and he needs to grow some balls.

I think I'd be inclined to be civil but also get my point across - you assumed you weren't included in their plans for Christmas as nothing has been mentioned to you, sorry I've made other plans with my own side of the family. Let dh sort the mess out with his dm! They've both made it clear you're not part of the family since through no fault of your own last year you declined the invite because YOU'RE CEV FGS!! PLUS IT WAS DH'S CHOICE NOT TO GO AND PUT YOU AT RISK AND HIS CHOUCE TO KEEP DELAYING TELLING MIL! Sorry I'm just really triggered by this I think because my own dm doesn't understand me being CEV myself and would gladly put me at risk so she gets her usual family pub lunches every time anyone in the family has a birthday. We couldn't see anyone last Christmas anyway because we were in the highest tier so no mixing allowed here. It was lovely not to have to deal with her and all the pressure and politics!

Honestly op imo you need to make a stand and act as though you're not part of their plans because it's been made clear you're not part of the family. Let mil deal with that although your dh probably won't tell her and will wait til the last minute and blame you. I'd definitely start new chats or groups with the other family members but not mil! I'd be honest how much is hurt to find out about this new group the banshee set up without you. Also still can't get over mil blocking you I could not have let that go and when I next saw her would have had to address it.

@Sparkletastic

Your husband is a cowardly, disloyal piece of shit.

I agree with this. Seriously, I would be looking at ending my marriage over this. He doesn't have your back. He does back spiteful childish relatives. How on earth can he expect you to spend Christmas with them? That's outrageous.

@maddy68

Eh? I have a family chat group with my brother's and my mum in. No partners are in it. You're being weird

Read the full thread or at least all the parts written by the op with more info

I am utterly shocked at your awful DH. He is the problem above all others.
He left you to do his dirty work (it’s his mum, not yours).
He let you take the flak.
He secretly joined their group and had been in it for a year without you knowing.
He still doesn’t understand what he’s done.
He sounds horrible. It’s cruel to have sacrificed you to avoid conflict with his nasty mother.

@Korbah

So for 6 years you were part of the family chat, you decline Christmas invitation and then are dropped from the group? Yes that's intended to upset you Yes exactly. For six years everyone was included in the group chat. Now it’s everyone except me. I’ve asked to be added and DH said no. Because he said if he adds me then MIL will leave the group chat again and they’ll just set up a new group chat without me again.

@Korbah Seriously what is wrong with him so basically he's under his mother's thumb and control and choosing to upset you rather than her?! Has he always been like this?

Also 6 YEARS of being in the previous group then bam you're gone, I can't believe all the others are ok with this and not questioning it? You didn't do anything horrible you are CEV and doing what the doctors and government told you to to keep you safe!!

Your MIL is awful and your husband is a knob

What @Clymene said. They are so fucking ridiculous they're not worth your energy, @Korbah.

Running screaming down the street after ripping Xmas decorations down, with your FiL trailing after her being equally dramatic? Sweet jesus.

She's probably blocked you and excluded you because she knows you'll now know this about her, and that you, being NORMAL and not enmeshed in her egocentric madness like her own brood and hapless enabling husband, will rightly judge her for it and find her decidedly wanting.

YADNBU & your DHs needs to have your back way more than he does. He is spineless with his DM, though she's clearly a master manipulator, probably narcissistic, so it's understandable he's so emerged in enabling her behaviour. He's had a lifetime of training for it & needs counselling to un pick it.

Going forward I'd suggest setting up another group chat & including everyone bar the MIL. Be honest & tell them all that you've only just realised that MIL had set up another group chat without you & that you've missed out on a lot of family news as a result of it only being shared in a group you weren't invited to. Say that you understand that it's awkward, sad that MIL didn't understand yours & DHs reasons & that you don't want to further upset MIL as she's been fine when you've seen her in person, but could they please share family news here in this group too, so that you won't feel so out of touch with everyone when you all meet at Christmas. Then thank them for understanding your need to take your vulnerability to Covid seriously & how you're so pleased not to be so restricted this year & that you are really looking forward to seeing them alll.
I'd suggest some reading on Narcissistic Personality Disorder & the effects on family dynamics too, it might help you to show your DH how it all affects him too. That's if you can be bothered with him after this. I don't blame you for being very upset at him for this.

@FreeBritnee

How is it not exclusion? The OP has stated there was a family WhatsApp group that used to include her. She carefully excused herself from Christmas arrangements which resulted in the MIL flouncing off the group to cry for two weeks and OP states that group was never posted on again. Now there is a new family WhatsApp group that doesn’t include her. That’s the very definition of exclusion isn’t it?

I agree. And the MIL blocked her for good measure, so the OP couldn't contact her, whilst the DH - who was too scared to broach the subject himself is saying no no its not excluding.

Yanbu at all. How will you resolve this given they’re expecting you for Xmas again?

Personally I wouldn’t be going but easier said than done I know.

God I think it's awful. Your husband totally set you up refusing to deal with it sooner and he's allowed them to talk behind your back and let you socialise them completely unaware of that fact. Can you imagine how much worse you'd have felt if you'd found out while at a family gathering. He's really let you down.