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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

171 replies

opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:34

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

OP posts:
Heavensabove3005 · 01/11/2021 21:40

It’s shit and it hurts. However they have shown you who they are, believe them. Take some time to be upset, move on and forget about them.

Poptart4 · 01/11/2021 21:41

She probably blocked you because she's a coward and didn't want to talk to you about the shitty thing she did. Thats more about her than you.

YANBU to be upset but YABU to put anything on social media and expect it to stay private or even just between you and the X amount of friends you have on Facebook or whatever site it was. Once you put something on the Internet you have no control over what happens to it.

GreenestValley · 01/11/2021 21:42

What did you fall out with the first friend over? I think it depends on how reasonable or otherwise that was, as to how outrageous this follow-up fall-out is..

Lavender24 · 01/11/2021 21:44

People are just generally shitty and enjoy gossiping. I know it's really hard not to take it personally though. Sounds like mutual friend panicked at being caught out and that's why she blocked you rather than her actively not wanting to be your friend anymore. I've fallen out with people I really valued over the years and it can be hard to accept and to not over analyse but I tell myself that people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 01/11/2021 21:44

@GreenestValley

What did you fall out with the first friend over? I think it depends on how reasonable or otherwise that was, as to how outrageous this follow-up fall-out is..
Exactly
Oftenithinkaboutit · 01/11/2021 21:45

And you really shouldn’t put such deeply personal info up on SM!

GADDay · 01/11/2021 21:45

I think you might need to take a step back.

You cant dictate what other people talk about. It was your decision to cut your best friend out of your life. You added fuel to the fire by challenging the friend who shared your post.

The thing about social media is you cant control what people do with the stuff you post. In future if something is private don't post it on the www.

montysma1 · 01/11/2021 21:46

I would post at length on social media about what she did. She has locked you anyway.
Petty I know but I would enjoy it....

CruellaDeVilla · 01/11/2021 21:46

@GADDay

I think you might need to take a step back.

You cant dictate what other people talk about. It was your decision to cut your best friend out of your life. You added fuel to the fire by challenging the friend who shared your post.

The thing about social media is you cant control what people do with the stuff you post. In future if something is private don't post it on the www.

Yep
Oftenithinkaboutit · 01/11/2021 21:46

It all sounds very drama fuelled to me
Fuelled by you

Oftenithinkaboutit · 01/11/2021 21:47

@montysma1

I would post at length on social media about what she did. She has locked you anyway. Petty I know but I would enjoy it....
Don’t Just don’t
GADDay · 01/11/2021 21:47

@montysma1

I would post at length on social media about what she did. She has locked you anyway. Petty I know but I would enjoy it....
This is what is wrong with the world. Social media has given everybody a platform.

Sometimes it is ok to say NOTHING ffs.

Mybalconyiscracking · 01/11/2021 21:47

This all sounds a bit childish to be honest. Do you really think an ex friend is going to hate you enough to bother to gloat over your misfortune. What did you do to her?

Ughmaybenot · 01/11/2021 21:51

@GADDay

I think you might need to take a step back.

You cant dictate what other people talk about. It was your decision to cut your best friend out of your life. You added fuel to the fire by challenging the friend who shared your post.

The thing about social media is you cant control what people do with the stuff you post. In future if something is private don't post it on the www.

While I do not blame you for being upset as it is a shame to lose someone you felt was a good friend, I agree with the above I’m afraid.
HeartsAndClubs · 01/11/2021 21:52

Sounds to me like you love the drama and being in control.

So you fall out with a friend over something, and then you expect your other friends to not engage with her about you and vice versa.

Then you post your personal life on what is essentially a public platform and think you have the right to dictate what people do with it.

This is worse than the school playground.

You can’t dictate how other people react or who they talk to.

if someone told me I was not to engage with someone else over them I would probably have ghosted them before it got to the social media bit.

You’ve dragged your friends into the middle of your disagreement with the other friend and they’re likely sick of it.

Landof · 01/11/2021 21:52

Hmm this is difficult. I think there are lots of issues here.

  1. No she shouldn't have done that as you had asked her not to.
But
  1. How close are they?
  2. It sounds like by you not wanting to be friends with ex best friend, it may have put an awkward divide in the group?
I think we need more context about why you are no longer friends with ex best friend really.
Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:55

@Lavender24

People are just generally shitty and enjoy gossiping. I know it's really hard not to take it personally though. Sounds like mutual friend panicked at being caught out and that's why she blocked you rather than her actively not wanting to be your friend anymore. I've fallen out with people I really valued over the years and it can be hard to accept and to not over analyse but I tell myself that people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
This is very true !
OP posts:
Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:56

@Oftenithinkaboutit

And you really shouldn’t put such deeply personal info up on SM!
Yeah you're right. It's Still a bit shit to take and send screenshots of though.
OP posts:
Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:57

@montysma1

I would post at length on social media about what she did. She has locked you anyway. Petty I know but I would enjoy it....
Oh god definitely not! I can see why you'd be tempted though
OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 01/11/2021 21:58

I think OP is getting a hard time unnecessarily. They were already feeling upset. Everyone knows it's bad form to take screen shots of sm and share them. This mutual friend shouldn't have done this.

However lesson learned, no more personal stuff on sm.

You might want to re-think your friend group, they sound like children.

Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:58

@Mybalconyiscracking

This all sounds a bit childish to be honest. Do you really think an ex friend is going to hate you enough to bother to gloat over your misfortune. What did you do to her?
She really doesn't like me, when she falls out with people she obsesses over them and really loves it if anything shitty happens to them

hence why we're not friends anymore

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/11/2021 21:59

I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.

If you're no longer in contact with her, to whom is she going to gloat?

I think it depends on what the ex best friend did. But ultimately, if you don't feel you can trust the other friend, then it's better that the friendship ends.

PeterIsACockwomble · 01/11/2021 22:00

Social media.

It's the same as walking up to a bunch of random strangers in a busy shopping street and telling them your opinions and feelings. Nobody sane would do that. Yet they think it's ok on social media.

Anyway, OP, it's hard to say what is reasonable and what isn't, without knowing what caused you to ditch this ex friend.

Other than that, friends "chatting shit" about one another is a recurring theme in my 17 yr old DD's dramas. She's too old for this kind of talk at 17, and you are definitely too old for it at 41. Be dignified and move on.

Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 22:06

The reason why I eventually cut contact with ex best friend is because she slowly and gradually started being spiteful to me. Making sly digs about my house and where I lived (i used to live on a council estate), laughing at my job (I used to be a cleaner) putting me down in front of others, standing me up when we arranged to meet, being mean and bitchy about other people constantly including her friends...just a lot of nasty stuff accumulating and it wasn't working us being friends.

OP posts:
saraclara · 01/11/2021 22:12

@HeartsAndClubs

Sounds to me like you love the drama and being in control.

So you fall out with a friend over something, and then you expect your other friends to not engage with her about you and vice versa.

Then you post your personal life on what is essentially a public platform and think you have the right to dictate what people do with it.

This is worse than the school playground.

You can’t dictate how other people react or who they talk to.

if someone told me I was not to engage with someone else over them I would probably have ghosted them before it got to the social media bit.

You’ve dragged your friends into the middle of your disagreement with the other friend and they’re likely sick of it.

Yes. All of that.

YOU went NC with the friend
YOU insisted that your mutual friends weren't allowed to talk about her/you
YOU put highly personal stuff on SM
YOU called a mutual friend out for sharing it with ex-friend.

You expect to control all of them, and it's simply egotistical and unfair.