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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

171 replies

opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:34

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

OP posts:
saraclara · 01/11/2021 22:15

She really doesn't like me, when she falls out with people she obsesses over them and really loves it if anything shitty happens to them

So why on earth post about this personal stuff on SM? She was bound to hear about it from someone.
The other people are friends with her. Do you think they're not going to discuss it between themselves when she's present? Or that some other mutual acquaintance who reads or hears about it isn't going to spill the beans, maliciously or entirely innocently?

Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 22:20

Fair enough to all the above @saraclara and I take it all on board and everything else people have said ...thank you

However I just want to say that it wasn't just for my sake I asked mutual friends to avoid the subject of me. I also said i would never bring her up either to avoid any mutual friends feeling awkward ...and I didn't. so just vice versa I asked if they would also not mind talking about me not if she brought me up . I hope that makes sense I'm not good with words. But because I've been around her when she's fallen out with people in the past, I know how much she obsesses about them and goes on and on about them

And Maybe I'm wrong or just idealistic...but I don't think friends should talk negatively about each other behind their backs ...or they shouldn't be friends in the first place

OP posts:
Original poster
opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 22:21

@saraclara

She really doesn't like me, when she falls out with people she obsesses over them and really loves it if anything shitty happens to them

So why on earth post about this personal stuff on SM? She was bound to hear about it from someone.
The other people are friends with her. Do you think they're not going to discuss it between themselves when she's present? Or that some other mutual acquaintance who reads or hears about it isn't going to spill the beans, maliciously or entirely innocently?

Yep totally fair enough

Social media is not private as such even though my account is set private and I don't post much or have many on there

I still think it's out of order to actively screenshot stuff and send it to someone who doesn't like the person who's posted if that makes sense

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 01/11/2021 22:21

See that would never happen to me because I don't post deeply personal stuff on social media or try to control what my friends talk about.

You need to give up the drama and control. You'll be amazed at how much simpler life will be.

hotmeatymilk · 01/11/2021 22:22

I don’t think you sound controlling by asking mutual friends not to chat about you and vice versa; that’s the mature thing to do instead of gossiping!

Both ex-friends have behaved badly here. Chin up. Stay off social for a bit. Cut your losses: do you really want to be friends with people like this? You shouldn’t feel humiliated - they’re the bullies here. Who screenshots social media and shares it?! Unless it’s a meme in which case crack on.

SD1978 · 01/11/2021 22:24

Crap thing for friend to do in regards to not following your rules. But personally I also wouldn't put a 'deeply personal' message on social media where anyone can see it anyway.

pictish · 01/11/2021 22:24

@GADDay

I think you might need to take a step back.

You cant dictate what other people talk about. It was your decision to cut your best friend out of your life. You added fuel to the fire by challenging the friend who shared your post.

The thing about social media is you cant control what people do with the stuff you post. In future if something is private don't post it on the www.

I agree with this poster.
Timeisavirtue · 01/11/2021 22:31

I think the worse part when something like that happens is not knowing why. Closure is an important part of moving on.
Jealousy is the Reason your ex best friend acted the way she did. Jealousy is an ugly emotion and it causes more issues than it should.

AutumnLeaves21 · 01/11/2021 22:33

Think you’ve had some really shitty responses here op Flowers your friend was bitchy and childish to send screenshots of your SM page to the ex friend. And a coward to block you, clearly wanted to avoid explaining her shitty behaviour. Hope you’re ok.

tara66 · 01/11/2021 22:33

You appear to be dwelling on a complicated drama where you play the role of victim heroine. Just put it all behind you , move on and try to cheer up. Not worth being so upset . No bones were broken.

HoppingPavlova · 01/11/2021 22:34

The friend has likely blocked you as they are sick of you trying to control them. You think you have a right to control what people talk to other people about but you don’t and they likely got jack of it.

Your friend has a right to talk to your previous friend about the weather, her menstrual cycle, the price of fish and you if she wants. It doesn’t matter if you say ‘in return I won’t mention mutual friend’. So what. Very immature and controlling and your friend likely feels fed up and it’s easier to just cut contact.

RonSwansonsChair · 01/11/2021 22:35

Some hard lessons learned here I think OP. Don't post personal stuff on SM, and your friends are going to talk so best make sure they're really your friends.

Namechanger20183110 · 01/11/2021 22:35

OP I don't think you are being uncontrolling at all by asking your mutual friends to not bring her name up around you and vice versa. You were obviously hurt about losing her friendship, and hearing about her life in third person is hardly going to ease the pain.

I am interested in who it was that told you that the ghosting friend screenshotted the post?

Bumpsadaisie · 01/11/2021 22:37
  1. It's fine for you to end a friendship with someone you dislike and you is being mean about you.
  1. You can't tell other people what they may or may not say or do with that person, though.
Kuachui · 01/11/2021 22:38

i understand your feelimgs OP.

even without posting on social mefia what if you had text your friend this information amd she screenshotted that and sent it. its the same principle, you dont share someones information without permission to someone you know hates that person.. its just not what friends do.

YouokHun · 01/11/2021 22:39

If you want privacy keep your personal stuff off social media. Once you publish it to an essentially unknown audience then that’s it, you’ve got no control. You can’t make up the privacy rules and you can’t gag people. You can decide how to conduct yourself and it sounds like you’ve been wise not to discuss her, but unfortunately you can’t impose your rules on others.

Perhaps you need to broaden your friendship group or develop other friendships away from this group? Perhaps it will all be less intense and much healthier if you do that. You don’t know what is being said about you, you may find you’re not nearly as discussed as you think, but the best thing to do is to start a real concerted effort to make contact with other people. At the moment it sounds like a bit of a power struggle between the two of you with your mutual friends in the middle, which is a waste of energy, and what do you get if you win?

Bringonthepjs · 01/11/2021 22:41

Really feel for you that is horrible x

Lollolloll · 01/11/2021 22:44

I’m Interested to know how you found out about the screenshot messages?

I think keeping a dignified silence initially was probably the best idea in this situation. Asking friends to not talk about you and vice versa is an invitation for gossip.

And I agree that posting anything personal on sm is a bad idea. It is out in the public domain and seen by friends of friends so of course it will be discussed, it’s human nature.

LaBellina · 01/11/2021 22:45

I don’t get some of the responses here.
It’s rude to take screenshots of someone’s posting on social media and share it with someone they’ve fallen out with. It’s just plain malicious and it tells you everything you need to know about this person. They use your personal misery to gossip about you and have zero respect for any privacy you desire. Who needs enemies with such kind of ‘friends’. Good riddance although I completely understand how much you feel hurt now.

windmill26 · 01/11/2021 22:47

Who needs enemies with friends like these!
She is a coward and a gossip...good riddance .

SeasonFinale · 01/11/2021 22:52

And Maybe I'm wrong or just idealistic...but I don't think friends should talk negatively about each other behind their backs ...or they shouldn't be friends in the first place

Yet here you are posting all about it on the Internet?!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 01/11/2021 22:52

Put simply, 2nd friend has been caught out , called out and is too spineless to put hands up and apologise.

HappyDays101010 · 01/11/2021 22:53

The point at which you lost me was when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me You cant dictate what other people talk about when you're not there. You're effectively telling your friends to 'take sides', and it sounds like you don't like the outcome.

Wauden · 01/11/2021 22:54

It's sad but you are better off without that person and things will improve.

Brittanyspringer · 01/11/2021 22:57

Perhaps the friend thought it was something really bad that the ex best friend should know about?