To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

[opalplumstead]

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

It's really hard when a friend falls out with you and they're still friends with your other friend/s. I've been there (but I was the person that was fallen out with, not the other way round like you, OP)

But I have never once dictated how our mutual friend (who is my closest friend) should interact with the one who ended our friendship. I haven't dictated how or whether they speak about me (though if I'm honest, I do sometimes worry what's said, and hope that my friend defends me if I'm criticised) and while I choose not to mention the ex-friend in our conversations, I don't expect my close friend to have to veer away from ever doing so.

It's not for me to control either of their lives or conversations. So though it's tough, I just manage it as best I can. Otherwise, I'd quickly lose my close friend.

I’d think you were a bunch of teenagers just all very immature!

How did you find out about the screen shots?

Goodness me, some harsh responses here. You haven’t been trying to control anyone - you’ve merely asked for mutual friends not to discuss you / you circumstances.

So sorry this happened to you - but as I’m sure you are now aware, SM is not the place to air grievances.

Focus on the people who matter most to you - and try to block out the people who have screwed your over. I speak from a very similar experience 💐

I think when we fall out with someone we would (consciously or unconsciously) like everyone else to fall out with them too, because that proves we are RIGHT. If our other friends continue on perfectly good terms with the person we have fallen out with, then it looks as if we have overreacted or been oversensitive or perhaps are the difficult one.

In this case your other friends clearly don't see your ex friend the same way you do, and I think that is what is really bothering you. If you think about it, does it make sense to be crying in bed and saying you are "broken" because your ex friend has seen something that you posted for the world to see?

I also think OP that if you felt the need to explicitly tell some of your friends to not share your personal information with the Ed friend you might have known already that these people are gossips. Good friends who aren’t using your personal life as a form of entertainment do not need that kind of reminder.

Ex friend not Ed friend

She was wrong taking a screenshot, SM is a curse this isn't a new thing.
Learn from it, don't post personal messages on SM.
Tbh it all sounds very immature.
I ghosted a friend once but I no longer go out with the group and never discuss it with anyone.
Ghosting a friend within a group will naturally cause a split.
"Say it in anger, say it with drink but never ever say it in ink".

They both sound hideous. You're well rid of them now you know what they are like. I have to agree it all sounds childish, you could rise above it. What about taking a SM break, might give you some perspective?

You really shouldn't try to control what other people do. You fell out with your best pal. Fair enough. But then you start dictating to your other friends what they must and mustn't do. Not on. This is what has got peoples backs up.

Put it down as experience.
Keep in mind you can only control yourself, you've no control over them.
My Nan always said "Only tell people things that you're comfortable with everyone knowing otherwise keep it to yourself:.

Quit posting anything on SM that you wouldn't mind the whole world knowing.

It's difficult being stuck between people who have fallen out. I've experienced it & you constantly have to watch what you say.

If something is sensitive/secret I wouldn't post it on SM, save it for holiday snaps.

I do still think what your friend did was disloyal & then to block you on SM is ridiculous.

@Brittanyspringer

Perhaps the friend thought it was something really bad that the ex best friend should know about?

Yes, this had occurred to me as possible, if the mutual friend is in fact a decent person, who thought your ex-best friend still cared about you at some level, and hence should know if something terrible had happened to you?

@HeartsAndClubs

Sounds to me like you love the drama and being in control.

So you fall out with a friend over something, and then you expect your other friends to not engage with her about you and vice versa.

Then you post your personal life on what is essentially a public platform and think you have the right to dictate what people do with it.

This is worse than the school playground.

You can’t dictate how other people react or who they talk to.

if someone told me I was not to engage with someone else over them I would probably have ghosted them before it got to the social media bit.

You’ve dragged your friends into the middle of your disagreement with the other friend and they’re likely sick of it.

This sums it up. You can't expect others not to talk / mention you in their conversations, things just don't work like that. I get that you are hurt, you sound quite sensitive and I understand that, I have really taken things to heart in the past and felt upset for days. As others have said, don't post personal stuff on social media, put this behind you, move on and find new friends.

On the face of it, it is a bit shit and you’re probably better off without either of them. The only other possible thing though - could she have had enough and blocked both of you? It’s probably tricky being in the middle.

Some shitty responses here. Really shitty.

OP it all sounds horrible. Your ex best friend sounds nasty and the friend who shared your post was unkind, even if she did not mean to be.

I've shared personal things on Facebook, like the death of a relative. I'd not expect people to share anything about me if I asked them not to. It's just plan nasty, and they sound like the bratty teenagers.

It's incredibly shit behaviour on your mutual friend's part.

But as others have said you've found out who they really are so they've done you a favour.

It will hurt for a while but you don't need friends like this.

On the other hand you can't control what people say and post about you. There's an expression: "What other people think of you is their business". Trying to influence it and control it is futile and counterproductive.

It sounds as if the ship has sailed with this particular friendship group and you're well rid of them but for future reference you have to let go a bit on this front.

"Say it in anger, say it with drink but never ever say it in ink"

I love that, and it's great advice. Never ever say something in a form that can be shown to others. Have an argument with a friend have to face, and your words disappear into the air. Have a argument by text, and it can be shown to everyone.

Seriously, I'm sure there are way more fallings out and misunderstandings since people stopped talking to each other and started messaging or arguing on Facebook. Those words never die, and the person can read them over and dwell on then, and get more wound up. Then they show them to someone else who winds then up even more. It's an insane way to interact or have difficult conversations..

I've been where you are. We have to ask ourselves why we had an enduring 'friendship' with such a bitchy, back biting person in the first place. Caring for someone who is nasty is hugely detrimental. In my case I eventually went NC with her and anyone who connected us. Best thing I've ever done; so much happier now

And this is why I don't have any friends.... 🤷‍♀️

@opalplumstead YABU.

@opalplumstead YABU.

No idea why that posted twice!

@HeartsAndClubs

Sounds to me like you love the drama and being in control.

So you fall out with a friend over something, and then you expect your other friends to not engage with her about you and vice versa.

Then you post your personal life on what is essentially a public platform and think you have the right to dictate what people do with it.

This is worse than the school playground.

You can’t dictate how other people react or who they talk to.

if someone told me I was not to engage with someone else over them I would probably have ghosted them before it got to the social media bit.

You’ve dragged your friends into the middle of your disagreement with the other friend and they’re likely sick of it.

This. I am sorry you are hurting @opalplumstead and I don't say this lightly, but you and^ your ex friends sound about 15. This sort of shit should stop before you leave your teens, or by your early 20s for sure.

Women in their 40s behaving like this is shameful. I have known a few women like this: still behaving like schoolkids in their 30s and 40s, and they have all, without fail, started having children at a very young age (like under 21,) and they have never worked.

It's like they never really grew up, and still behave like they did at school. Many never leave the area they grew up in, and they never mix with anyone but their immediate social circle in their own insular bubble, and get bored easily, so they love to cause drama - and be involved in drama.

I don't know if any of this applies to you or your 'friends' but FGS, steer clear of them, and all the drama. Focus on yourself and your children, and don't set a bad example to them by falling out with friends, and causing masses of drama, and posting personal shit on social media. It's really really immature and attention seeking.

And contrary to what a pp said at 23.43, no here are no SHITTY responses, just people being honest. FFS, not everyone has to blow smoke up the OP's arse, especially if they think she is being unreasonable. This is 'AIBU' for God's sake! The OP asked if she is being unreasonable, and to some people, yes she is. People are entitled to voice their honest opinions, especially when the bloody OP asked for them!