To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

[opalplumstead]

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

I think you put your mutual friends in a very awkward position when you asked them not to talk about you with ex-friend.

Whilst you were happy to keep quiet about the fall out, ex-friend may have wanted to talk about it. She may have been offended, hurt, confused and needed some support. How do your friends prioritise your need for silence with her need to talk? They cannot stay neutral in that situation.

Ultimately, the post-sharing friend has looked at the situation and decided that she'd rather remain friends with ex-friend - perhaps she thought you cut her off unreasonably, perhaps she doesn't like the way you handled things since then.

Thanks everyone for all the different perspectives really appreciate it xxx

I think your friend showing your ex friend a SM post is the more pertinent worry.
Why was she passing it on? Friend saw it as sonething ex was interested in or something to be mocked. I know in my SM work group there are people all about the drama. They do ( secretly) get piss taken out by others as obviously they are free to post whatever.

What do you get from posting about a “sad and shitty” thing? Do you want sympathy? People to think you are strong or is it like a remembrance type thing (which in all honesty really only matters to you). Your friend is embarrassed about being caught out.

@Mummyoflittledragon sorry to hear about the situation that happened to you

That sounds really hard

As for The other friend ...she is really shocked at what the screen shot sharing friend did. Thinks it's out of order and out of character. As, despite what some other people have assumed, there's been no "drama" since I stopped being friends with ex friend. It's been the complete opposite, a relaxed, honest, adult friendship. We've all got on really well and had lots of nice times. She's as shocked as I am how this has come out of the blue.

How did you find out the screenshots had been sent if you're Nc with the ex friend?
If the screenshot was about something awful, someone who'd died etc, it's very possible the mutual friend felt she should know as she was a big part of your life. She may have assumed she would want to offer support. She probably blocked you because you went in all guns blazing and accusing over message.

I think it’s difficult for friends to not talk about a situation that affects their other friends, even if not done in a bitchy way. It’s part of normal conversation and it is normal to share worries and concerns with friends.

It sounds as if you have talked about this with the other friend who was not involved at all. And someone must have let you know that the information had been shared.

I do feel for you and I’ve been in a similar situation a few years ago. A member of our group, who’d always been a bit unfriendly to me for unknown reasons, got drunk and verbally abusive. The other friends were shocked but didn’t step in as they ultimately were trying to keep the peace. It was awkward afterwards as she didn’t apologise, and while the others were sympathetic to me, they also wanted to stay friends with her. Eventually after much deliberation, I backed away from the whole group. Still friends with them, but don’t meet up regularly like before. It did hurt so I can relate to you.

[quote opalplumstead]@Mummyoflittledragon sorry to hear about the situation that happened to you

That sounds really hard

As for The other friend ...she is really shocked at what the screen shot sharing friend did. Thinks it's out of order and out of character. As, despite what some other people have assumed, there's been no "drama" since I stopped being friends with ex friend. It's been the complete opposite, a relaxed, honest, adult friendship. We've all got on really well and had lots of nice times. She's as shocked as I am how this has come out of the blue.[/quote]
And…. You e dragged w other friend into the equation

Grow up OP.

As you say
You are 41 with 3 children

Yeah this is why I had to delete the whole friend group because they all are in on it and get back to each other.

@Lollolloll

I think it’s difficult for friends to not talk about a situation that affects their other friends, even if not done in a bitchy way. It’s part of normal conversation and it is normal to share worries and concerns with friends.

It sounds as if you have talked about this with the other friend who was not involved at all. And someone must have let you know that the information had been shared.

I do feel for you and I’ve been in a similar situation a few years ago. A member of our group, who’d always been a bit unfriendly to me for unknown reasons, got drunk and verbally abusive. The other friends were shocked but didn’t step in as they ultimately were trying to keep the peace. It was awkward afterwards as she didn’t apologise, and while the others were sympathetic to me, they also wanted to stay friends with her. Eventually after much deliberation, I backed away from the whole group. Still friends with them, but don’t meet up regularly like before. It did hurt so I can relate to you.

Wow I thought these things only happened to me!

Only in MN could you get some of the bonkers replies shown here
& do you people just accept anyone on your Facebook, or only people you trust as friends. Would you really expect your friends to screenshot your posts to share & bitch about. If so that's really actually quite sad

I get not posting overly personal stuff on Facebook, but I'd also expect my friends to be trustworthy enough not to partake in the sort of playground games that requires screen-shotting & sharing another's post to bitch about. That's pretty pathetic behaviour in anyone's book & they are not good friends. Neither sounds capable of actually being a good friend to anyone, so you are well shot of them. Friend 2 is a coward who doesn't have the guts to own their bad behaviour, so ghosted you when confronted by it.

It's upsetting now, but honestly you are well shot of these 2 bitchy assed drama queens

@RockinHorseShit

Thanks ... I fully agree with all that x

@Lanareyrey

I'm not sure how have I "dragged" the other friend into it, I am hardly not going to tell her what's happened am I ? What was I supposed to do, just ignore that someone I trusted had let me down in such a sneaky way? She'd have more than likely found out anyway what the other person did. She is upset that I've been hurt.
She hasn't fallen out with the other friend over it and I wouldn't want her to. But she's as bewildered at the other friends actions as I am, it's so out of the blue and out of character of her. And I would feel the same had it been the other way round.

This all sounds exhausting. You sound like a drama filled, immature group. Everyone is involved in all drama now, because you’ve told the other friend about the one friend texting the ex friend.

[quote opalplumstead]@Lanareyrey

I'm not sure how have I "dragged" the other friend into it, I am hardly not going to tell her what's happened am I ? What was I supposed to do, just ignore that someone I trusted had let me down in such a sneaky way? She'd have more than likely found out anyway what the other person did. She is upset that I've been hurt.
She hasn't fallen out with the other friend over it and I wouldn't want her to. But she's as bewildered at the other friends actions as I am, it's so out of the blue and out of character of her. And I would feel the same had it been the other way round. [/quote]
Huh? I'm confused at this response, I was supportive of your situation OP! Must be getting me confused with someone else...

Social media or not, it's still shit of someone to take screenshots and send it to another person to gossip about. There's no need and it's irrelevant that it was on social media because the other person wouldn't have been able to see it. It's the same as her taking a screenshot of a private text and sending it. Both an unacceptable thing to do to a friend.
OP you are better of out of it. It's hard but at least now you know.

@Lanareyrey oh my goodness I'm so sorry - wrong tag 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ please ignore me x

And I really appreciate your supportiveness

@anon12345678901

Social media or not, it's still shit of someone to take screenshots and send it to another person to gossip about. There's no need and it's irrelevant that it was on social media because the other person wouldn't have been able to see it. It's the same as her taking a screenshot of a private text and sending it. Both an unacceptable thing to do to a friend. OP you are better of out of it. It's hard but at least now you know.

Thank you !! This is what I think too

I shouldn't have put anything on social media I do agree with that. Its shitty sneaky behaviour from someone I thought was a friend though

(perhaps no one should post on social media ever that's a whole other discussion maybe 😂)

YANBU.

In an ideal world, you shouldn't even need to ask mutual friends/anyone not to discuss you with ex-friends/enemies. It should just be common sense and common decency not to spread gossip like that.

I think I'd be more upset at screen-shot sharing "friend" than the original one I think. Screen-shot "friend" deliberately went out of her way to betray and backstab you. What a bitch.

What was your post about, the one that your friend screenshot and shared?

If it was about, say, a bereavement then it was cruel to share.

If it was about being let down by someone, then perhaps pertinent to the overall situation.

I think you probably have to accept that she was always far more on the side of your ex friend. Without truly knowing what the original fall out was about nobody here can say whether she was right to be or not.

Friendship dramas can be really painful.

I expect my friends and acquaintances to talk about me when I am not there. I expect that chat will be sometimes positive, sometimes negative and sometimes neutral and I'm fine with that.

My friends don't have to like everything about me, that seems unrealistic.

The scenario that you tried to set up where you would never mention exbf in front of your friends and they would never mention you to her was never going to work. The only person who wanted it to work was you OP. None of your friends gained from it even though you think they did. They didn't need your rules as they can decide for themselves who to talk about and don't need you to dictate their behaviour.

You have unwittingly created this situation yourself by trying to control the behaviour of others and believing that you have a right to do this

You’ve had some really shitty responses here OP.

Full of people who think being a bit sneery about social media somehow makes them better people (despite posting on the social media site that is mumsnet themselves, usually specifically to make someone else feel shit and show off how superior they are).

It wouldn’t be a bad idea to think twice before posting more personal stuff on social media, which you’ve already acknowledged, but really just because it was on social media doesn’t make it ok to take screenshots and share with someone who does not wish you well, presumably for the purpose of gossip. If you’d sent friend 2 a text message or an email talking about your upset about something that happened, would that have been ok for her to screenshot and pass on to your ex friend? No. I don’t really see SM as that different, given friend 2 knew you specifically didn’t want the ex friend knowing/ seeing.

I also don’t think it’s particularly drama fuelled to ask mutual friends not to discuss either party with the other. I had to do it after a breakup - it was hurting me hearing news of the ex and I didn’t particularly want him knowing what was going on with me either, at least until after the dust had settled and everyone was feeling better. I don’t think it was dramatic of me to politely tell friends I’d rather not hear about him and rather he didn’t hear about me, and I’d seriously question anyone who wanted to insist on their ‘right to talk about whatever they want with whoever they want’ in that situation. I mean strictly speaking it’s correct, but the right to gossip, bitch and stir drama isn’t one I’d be willing to risk a good friendship over personally.

I do think you’re unfortunately in a position where you might find friend 3 pulling away a little too. It’s unfair but that’s sometimes how the dynamics of these things go.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt OP. It’s awful when our friends let us down. Please don’t let the mean spirited responses you’ve had make you feel worse. Some of them seem positively gleeful and that says a lot more about the poster than it does about you.

@Switch82

I’d think you were a bunch of teenagers just all very immature!

This

You have unwittingly created this situation yourself by trying to control the behaviour of others and believing that you have a right to do this

See that would be true (ish) if friend 2 and ex friend had just been discussing OP, or the situation, even if friend 2 had said to ex best friend that she didn’t agree with OP or thought she was being a bit OTT or whatever.

But it absolutely doesn’t explain screenshotting a personal post and forwarding it to someone she knew OP wouldn’t want to see it. That’s just nasty behaviour EVEN IF you think social media is the Devil’s work or whatever. There’s no real reason for it other than to be unkind. There’s a difference between talking about someone even if it’s a bit negative or a bit of a moan, and deliberately setting out to stir something up with the aid of screenshots, that’s the bit I don’t get.

I’ve been friends with both parties following a big fall out myself. Yes despite best intentions I might find myself discussing the situation when I was determined to stay out of it, but I’ve never felt the need to pass on messages, things told to me that I know X definitely wouldn’t want Y to know, and certainly not to screenshot X’s social media with the purpose of forwarding to Y for discussion. Even if I was a bit pissed off with X or thought she was in the wrong.

Also curious how you found out about the screenshots being sent