To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

[opalplumstead]

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

@Oftenithinkaboutit

But it speaks volumes to me op Attention seeking Drama llama And doesn’t think before acts

I suspect this may be how you approach your relationships

And the tone of your messages speaks volume about the type of person you are. Just bore off, OP doesn't need you piling in on her when she already feels like crap

Is it possible friend was with ex-bf when she saw your post on fb and mentioned it?

You are imagining screenshots and sniggering but it doesn't have to be like that.

I don't suppose you'll ever know now though, since friend took umbrage at you asking her about it and blocked you.

It's all very odd to me. I don't drop friends, just back off politely and gradually for this reason.

That would have upset me too - betrayals by friends tend to hit me hard - but tbf they both sound like a pair of bitches and I think you're well rid. Chin up!

@Namechanger20183110 thank you, I'm inclined to agree with your last post. There are posters who have not sugar coated their advice which actually I appreciate. but one or two others have put the boot in that little bit too much I feel. It's a little unnecessary.

NOTHING in any of your messages means that a screenshot has been taken and sent to ex friend. YOU posted personal information, and your friend may well have been with your ex friend at the time, and either mentioned it in passing or mentioned it without thinking.

Instead of giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, or asking her about it next time you see her, you flew off the handle and have now fallen out permanently with ANOTHER friend.

And you’re still not looking at yourself and your own behaviour?

@Derbee

NOTHING in any of your messages means that a screenshot has been taken and sent to ex friend. YOU posted personal information, and your friend may well have been with your ex friend at the time, and either mentioned it in passing or mentioned it without thinking.

Instead of giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, or asking her about it next time you see her, you flew off the handle and have now fallen out permanently with ANOTHER friend.

And you’re still not looking at yourself and your own behaviour?

This.

I imagine this friend is mightily relieved to have been able to close down this relationship once and for all

@Derbee

NOTHING in any of your messages means that a screenshot has been taken and sent to ex friend. YOU posted personal information, and your friend may well have been with your ex friend at the time, and either mentioned it in passing or mentioned it without thinking.

Instead of giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, or asking her about it next time you see her, you flew off the handle and have now fallen out permanently with ANOTHER friend.

And you’re still not looking at yourself and your own behaviour?

Yep. The two of them might have been together when your FB friend got a notification of your status. For all you know, all she said in a normal conversational way was "oh that's a shame, Opal had a big test for work, and she's failed it" and flashed the phone at ex-friend. Which is far, far less bitchy than screenshotting it and sending it to her.

You jumped to the worst possible scenario and called this friend out without actually knowing what happened.
You've said it's not like her, your remaining friend is puzzled that she should do what you've said she's done (with no evidence) but still you believe the worst of her.

Basically none of us knows how this happened, even you.

@Derbee

NOTHING in any of your messages means that a screenshot has been taken and sent to ex friend. YOU posted personal information, and your friend may well have been with your ex friend at the time, and either mentioned it in passing or mentioned it without thinking.

Instead of giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, or asking her about it next time you see her, you flew off the handle and have now fallen out permanently with ANOTHER friend.

And you’re still not looking at yourself and your own behaviour?

The reason ex friend saw my post was that a screenshot was sent to her by the mutual friend

I know this, it was clarified during the conversation between our Dmums.

The fact the friend didn’t bother to engage, defend, lie, cover up, explain… nothing
To me just means she thought

“Enough. Just enough. I’m not doing this”

And now she’s getting on with her life rather than engaging in back and forth and drama on this

OP, in the kindest way possible, it seems like everyone involved is creating and possibly enjoying the drama and the gossip - including the mums - and it's turning a molehill into an enormous mountain. What on earth are your mums doing getting involved in this, to the extent that the ex-friend's mum is snitching to your mum about people sending screenshots and whatnot? And then your mum is passing this gossip back to you. It doesn't feel like anyone involved is being very helpful to you tbh.

Op, does the friends mum even know what a screenshot is? Is it not likely she could have showed ex friend the screen and her mum has the wrong idea?
Unless she strictly said "my dd received a photo someone took from Facebook saying that your dd failed her course" you don't know that's what happened.
That would explain why the other friend blocked you, and couldn't be dealing with the drama.

@lynntheyresexpeople

Op, does the friends mum even know what a screenshot is? Is it not likely she could have showed ex friend the screen and her mum has the wrong idea? Unless she strictly said "my dd received a photo someone took from Facebook saying that your dd failed her course" you don't know that's what happened. That would explain why the other friend blocked you, and couldn't be dealing with the drama.

Yep. That's pretty much how the conversation went hence knowing was a screenshot. our mums are 60 and tech savvy not 90 lol.

Op, does the friends mum even know what a screenshot is?

Oh dear 🥴 agest AF.

My 85 yo DF can manage a screenshot just fine. At 60 I can manage a hell of a lot more & I don't know anyone my age or even 15 years older, who can't. Several older friends are tech experts. So ignorant 🙄

Some of these responses have been ridiculous. Of course it’s not controlling to ask - not demand - that mutual friends don’t discuss your life with someone you’ve actively cut out of it. Asking people to pick a side - THAT’S controlling. But the OP didn’t do that. She actually made it very easy for her friend to shut down any attempts by the ex-friend to fish for info or gossip. All she had to say was ‘Do you mind if we don’t discuss Opal - you’re both my friends and I don’t want to take sides or get stuck in the middle’. Most sane people wouldn’t need to be asked; never mind getting haughty about ‘I won’t be told what I can talk about’ (as some of the people on this thread apparently would).

The two of them might have been together when your FB friend got a notification of your status. For all you know, all she said in a normal conversational way was "oh that's a shame, Opal had a big test for work, and she's failed it" and flashed the phone at ex-friend. Which is far, far less bitchy than screenshotting it and sending it to her.

I agree it sounds more plausible, but why would you say anything about a friend, even in a ‘normal conversational way’, to someone you know they actively dislike, especially when you’d been specifically asked to do the opposite? And why has the friend blocked the OP rather than messaging back to say ‘You’ve got it all wrong - she just saw my phone over my shoulder’ or similar? Why block and delete her?

@WomanStanleyWoman

Some of these responses have been ridiculous. Of course it’s not controlling to ask - not demand - that mutual friends don’t discuss your life with someone you’ve actively cut out of it. Asking people to pick a side - THAT’S controlling. But the OP didn’t do that. She actually made it very easy for her friend to shut down any attempts by the ex-friend to fish for info or gossip. All she had to say was ‘Do you mind if we don’t discuss Opal - you’re both my friends and I don’t want to take sides or get stuck in the middle’. Most sane people wouldn’t need to be asked; never mind getting haughty about ‘I won’t be told what I can talk about’ (as some of the people on this thread apparently would).

The two of them might have been together when your FB friend got a notification of your status. For all you know, all she said in a normal conversational way was "oh that's a shame, Opal had a big test for work, and she's failed it" and flashed the phone at ex-friend. Which is far, far less bitchy than screenshotting it and sending it to her.

I agree it sounds more plausible, but why would you say anything about a friend, even in a ‘normal conversational way’, to someone you know they actively dislike, especially when you’d been specifically asked to do the opposite? And why has the friend blocked the OP rather than messaging back to say ‘You’ve got it all wrong - she just saw my phone over my shoulder’ or similar? Why block and delete her?

Exactly, the ex friend would want to clear her name surely if that was the case. Instead, she's blocked her, you only do that when you've been called out on something and are too much of a coward to face it

@WomanStanleyWoman

Some of these responses have been ridiculous. Of course it’s not controlling to ask - not demand - that mutual friends don’t discuss your life with someone you’ve actively cut out of it. Asking people to pick a side - THAT’S controlling. But the OP didn’t do that. She actually made it very easy for her friend to shut down any attempts by the ex-friend to fish for info or gossip. All she had to say was ‘Do you mind if we don’t discuss Opal - you’re both my friends and I don’t want to take sides or get stuck in the middle’. Most sane people wouldn’t need to be asked; never mind getting haughty about ‘I won’t be told what I can talk about’ (as some of the people on this thread apparently would).

The two of them might have been together when your FB friend got a notification of your status. For all you know, all she said in a normal conversational way was "oh that's a shame, Opal had a big test for work, and she's failed it" and flashed the phone at ex-friend. Which is far, far less bitchy than screenshotting it and sending it to her.

I agree it sounds more plausible, but why would you say anything about a friend, even in a ‘normal conversational way’, to someone you know they actively dislike, especially when you’d been specifically asked to do the opposite? And why has the friend blocked the OP rather than messaging back to say ‘You’ve got it all wrong - she just saw my phone over my shoulder’ or similar? Why block and delete her?

THANK YOU for being kind and for understanding and seeing my point 🙏 your post perfectly articulates what I was trying to achieve by basically everything I did when the original friendship ended

I did not want the friends to pick a side, and just wanted to avoid any of us feeling awkward or loyalty torn. And also whatever exbf did or said she did not deserve to be discussed by me with her friends.

I fell out with my (now ex) best friend a few years ago. She did and said some pretty hurtful stuff to me and wasn’t remorseful when I called her out on it. We had a fair few mutual friends also.

I didn’t ask any of our mutual friends not to discuss either one of us to the other.

Although I can totally understand your reasons for doing it were not malicious or trying to be controlling as some here have suggested. I can see it was purely because you thought it would make it easier for the mutual friends to not be caught between the two of you in any way. Not quite sure why other people here aren’t seeing that.
But people on MN do love to go on the attack!

What I did was pulled away a little bit from that mutual friend group. It was hard but I felt that was the right thing to do at the time, to save any hassle, given it was my decision to end the friendship with my best friend. I still spoke to them, but avoided meeting up with them, so they didn’t feel they had to ‘choose’ who to invite to events etc. (That was just my personal decision. Not saying you have to do that).

I don’t post deeply personal stuff on social media. And for those mutual friends still on my Facebook, I restrict them from seeing certain posts and only allow them to see the most basic things I’m happy for them to see.

I think this is just going to have to be a lesson learned. Your mutual friend blocked you and ran because they knew they’d been caught out being a snidey shit and they took the cowards way out because they had no explanation for their behaviour.

If they were willing to share stuff about you knowing it would upset you if you found out, they weren’t much of a friend in the first place. And I’m guessing had already taken your ex friends side when you parted ways, rather than remaining neutral. Unfortunately, we can’t expect others to behave in the same way we would.

Lesson is not to put anything super personal on social media. Keep that stuff for conversations with those you are closest to and trust implicitly.

I also have a shitty ex bf who I have blocked on sm. We have mutual friends including several of my family members.

I have told some of them we are no longer friends but have not asked them not to discuss me with her. Because I am not interested anymore in what she thinks of me. And any mutual friends are welcome to come and ask me if she chats shit about me. And if they believe any of the crap that comes out of her mouth they don't know me that well.

SM is not the place to share anything you don't want the world to have a access to. Your friend sounds a knobber for gossiping, block her too.

@AutumnLeaves21

Think you’ve had some really shitty responses here op your friend was bitchy and childish to send screenshots of your SM page to the ex friend. And a coward to block you, clearly wanted to avoid explaining her shitty behaviour. Hope you’re ok.

Agreed x

.

Well, you know how to stop putting private information on social media. It might also be a good time to reevaluate friendships, because there's just so much drama going on here with the chat between all of you. Make a few new friends, don't spend time with people who are too gossipy but at the same time chill out about what people say. You aren't 11, it doesn't matter who knows what about a test. Enjoy your life, retake the test and stop being interested in what anyone else says about you, they simply don't matter unless you give them headspace.