To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

[opalplumstead]

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

41? This sounds like drama between teenagers. Cut down on social media use, you’re just providing fuel for a fire.

so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her

How did you do this? Did you speak to each mutual friend individually?

LittleDandelionClock of course people can give their honest opinions. I guess for me it is a bit sad that some people really think that if someone is nasty to you it makes you behave like a teenager when you try to deal with it and assert some boundaries.

@Crunchymum

so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her

How did you do this? Did you speak to each mutual friend individually?

There's 2 mutual friends, I didn't lay the law down demanding they never ever mention my name to ex friend . I just suggested it might be best for us all to avoid talking about my ex friend, and also because my ex friend likes to discuss people she falls out with, I suggested it would maybe be better that they don't mention me when they are with her. As I also mentioned I did not want her knowing stuff about my life if possible because she enjoyed taking the piss out of me and my life and my circumstances etc. and that was when we were friends!

I do apologise if I'm not making sense, as I say I am not good at wording things

Some posters have said I created drama by doing that which is fair enough that is their opinion ...but actually drama is what I was trying to avoid x

Don’t post about your private life on social media. End of.

Why did she do it? Because she is a stirrer and has a hateful personality. So just be glad she's gone from your life now before she can do any more damage.

And in future maybe only share personal things by personal message, or phone/face to face. The general rule is only publicly share things that you would be comfortable with your grandmother and your arch nemesis seeing.

@ALittleBitWorrriedNow

Don’t post about your private life on social media. End of.

Yeah a few people have said this now, Deffo a good idea, thanks 😊

I'll also pick my friends better as well so they don't go maliciously telling stuff about me to someone who hates me. as if it wasn't a "social media" post it could have been a text forwarded or even just repeating something I'd said verbally during a face to face conversation 🤷‍♀️

Somehow because it was a "social media" post being shared it makes some people think it is absolutely ok to backstab a friend .

I completely take in board I shouldn't post anything on social media, and believe me in all seriousness next time i feel like posting I'll think twice before I post (I rarely even post - That's the daft thing). But I don't think it makes it ok what my friend did.

Sorry but it is CRAZY controlling to tell friends that they can't mention you or talk about you in somebody's company. If someone said that to me I would roll my eyes, and then if you come after me angry I would have to decide if I valued the friendship enough to put up with the crap. Sadly it seems she didn't, and it seems she felt you were forcing her to pick between friends. It sounds like she has decided that you are the source of drama and conflict here.

It's information you made public, this could reach her through thousands of different avenues. Frankly anyone who makes information publicby talking to people, posting on social media, etc.can't then try to control where the info ends up. Your friend was perhaps a bit uncaring of your feelings (depending on the exact way this happened) but sorry I think you're at fault here

She got caught out!
Thats it, by blocking you she doesn't have to own it, so shes took the cowards way out and ghosted.

She's shown her hand, pay attention, you don't need people like that around you!

@Flowers500

Sorry but it is CRAZY controlling to tell friends that they can't mention you or talk about you in somebody's company. If someone said that to me I would roll my eyes, and then if you come after me angry I would have to decide if I valued the friendship enough to put up with the crap. Sadly it seems she didn't, and it seems she felt you were forcing her to pick between friends. It sounds like she has decided that you are the source of drama and conflict here.

I clarified earlier that I didn't "tell" anyone they couldn't talk about me, i just suggested it would be best to not discuss her with me or vice versa

I said this to avoid drama and to avoid anyone feeling awkward or feel their loyalties torn

The mutual friends completely agreed ! And this was a while ago when the fall out first happened

I should have worded it better in my original post really !! sorry 😞 but as I say I'm not articulate with words (i desperately wish I was)

Having boundaries is not controlling! OP you are making perfect sense. Good night and hope you will feel better in the morning.

Don’t understand some of the responses.

Yanbu to ask that your friends do not speak about your ex friend to you and vice versa. It doesn’t sound like you asked that to be controlling at all, sounds like you’re just not interested in her and you don’t want gossiping about your life.

YABU to post personal business on social media though if you don’t want people knowing your business but it was very spiteful and two faced of your mutual friend to screenshot it and show ex- friend.

It’s clear some posters on here love nothing more than gossiping and back stabbing 😂

Yanbu to ask that your friends do not speak about your ex friend to you and vice versa.

It is though. Dictating to a person what they can and cannot say to other people (either by telling them this or asking them on the basis of ‘if we are to remain friends’) is controlling. You should never be able to limit anyone’s speech. There is no issue on not being friends with someone on the basis you think there is potential for them to discuss you with a third party but you can’t be friends and think you can control this aspect.

How do you know your friend shared the screenshots?

Bear in mind OP despite you asking those frenemies not to discuss you, that's no different to Grant Shapps saying " don't panic buy petrol" (followed by everyone rushing out to buy petrol in a panic!) - it's like red rag to a bull, they cannot help themselves, hence why one of them grabbed hold of your post and spread it around.

Golden Rule - never ever share something you don't want other people to know about, once it's left you, you've lost control and you can caste iron guarantee people love to gossip, either verbally or on line.

Good riddance to the lot of them, they aren't worth it!

I don't see it as you being controlling op, I saw it as this:
You asked them not to share any information about you with her, however innocent it may seem as it would give her ammo...so they should have respected that.
To me that's perfectly reasonable. Perhaps putting it on sm wasn't the best move but however you told them, face to face, email, text, they still shouldn't have given her that information.
See the positive, at least you know now you cant trust either of them!

If someone I knew actually asked me not to talk about someone else in their presence, I'd have red flags popping up ALL over the place.

You can't ask people never to mention someone to you. It's bloody weird.

Grieve for a sec.
Then dust yourself off.
Stand up . Stand tall
And get yourself a new friend.

Hi OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm a bit like you and tend to catastrophize sometimes. I have also been through a lot of friendship grief over the past couple of years. They are not your friends though, it's ok to be sad but as someone said pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Life is too short and it will get easier in time I promise.

Agree with PP that you can’t control the way others talk about you but I think your friend went a bit far in sending a screenshot - wonder what her motivation was. Her reaction on being confronted is the most telling though, and suggests that you can’t trust her in the way you might have hoped. I sympathise OP as it’s shit to lose a friend. It sounds as if the initial falling out made the whole dynamic quite complicated though.

Don't waste any more tears over this person.

She has shown you what she is like and that she is not really your friend. She probably was just pretending to be friends so she could get gossip, hence the screenshot. It's petty and low...it's good that this person is now out of your life.

@HoppingPavlova in what alternative universe is it unreasonable to ask someone not to speak about another person when in your company because you’re not interested in their life? If my friend asked me not to speak about someone in her presence then I wouldn’t - not only because it’s respectful to her wishes but also the conversation would be pretty damn boring if my friend didn’t want to engage in it and it would be obnoxious to continue.

OP is entitled not to want her ex friend becoming privy to her business and yes, maybe she shouldn’t have posted it on social media but she posted it with the intention of her social media friends reading it, not for her so called friend to screenshot it and send it to someone she knows she’s been asked not to - that is nasty and childish.

@saraclara

It's really hard when a friend falls out with you and they're still friends with your other friend/s. I've been there (but I was the person that was fallen out with, not the other way round like you, OP)

But I have never once dictated how our mutual friend (who is my closest friend) should interact with the one who ended our friendship. I haven't dictated how or whether they speak about me (though if I'm honest, I do sometimes worry what's said, and hope that my friend defends me if I'm criticised) and while I choose not to mention the ex-friend in our conversations, I don't expect my close friend to have to veer away from ever doing so.

It's not for me to control either of their lives or conversations. So though it's tough, I just manage it as best I can. Otherwise, I'd quickly lose my close friend.

I agree with this.

I’m a bit of a people pleaser. Perhaps you are too op? It took you an awfully long time and a lot of egg in your face to cut this ex friend off.

I’m similar. A friend of mine a while back advised me to back far far away from a somewhat troubled family. I’ve helped the family a lot at great emotional expense and have now just well and truly had a slap in the face from them. I let my friend know that she was right and we chatted about how I am a big pushover. I’ve been feeling it for a while but have been ignoring my own feelings to help them out - people pleasing obvs!

So perhaps have think about what you are like too. Do you go along with what your friends want to do most of the time just because you enjoy their company and they suggest it? Do you ignore your feelings to please others?

As for the more recent falling out. This friend, who posted about you obviously has similar traits to your ex friend otherwise they wouldn’t be friends. I steer clear of people, who talk behind other people’s backs because it’s obvious they’re talking about me when I’m not there. It’s just how these type of people operate. So it’s fair to assume you’ll have been discussed extensively whatever your desire to the contrary.

I don’t think you did so much wrong asking them not to talk about the issues with you but it is more problematic to ask to not be discussed when you’re not around. Of course people shouldn’t talk about others behind their backs. But they both sound pretty immature so they obviously do and setting up and expectation not to do it will have started the process of alienating this second friend from you. And felt very controlling to them.

Now you’re left with the other mutual friend. What is she like? Do you in actual fact need new friends? Has your ex friend also treated your mutual friends appallingly?

HoppingPavlova in what alternative universe is it unreasonable to ask someone not to speak about another person when in your company because you’re not interested in their life?

In the universe where people don’t appreciate others dictating what they can and can’t talk about. Pretty much a universe adverse to censorship.

If I had anyone tell me what I could and couldn’t talk about to whom as general matters of conversation I would no longer associate with them. Obviously, many things friends tell you are confidential but this is common sense and you don’t say anything to anyone, that’s the persons information, but if you feel the need to dictate that to someone rather than rely on their good sense and judgement, why would you want to associate with them?