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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by this friendship problem, and by being ghosted

171 replies

opalplumstead · 01/11/2021 21:34

I am 41 year old woman, a mum of 3 and I spent much of yesterday in bed crying like a fucking pathetic baby over a friendship fall out

V quick background, I had a best friend for years, it started to drift, we both changed a lot and finally stopped being friends over a year ago, I cut contact completely, was sad and hard, but she did something fairly unforgivable to me and was the right thing to end the friendship.

Awkwardly, we have a few mutual friends. For many reasons I did not want her having any access to my life any longer, so when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up (which I have completely stuck by)

Yesterday, I found out one of the mutual friends sent my ex best friend screen shots of a social media post I made. It is to do with something sad and shitty that has happened in my life ...to make it ten times worse, I know ex best friend will love being privy to this info and she will gloat about it.
When I found out, I was obviously completely gobsmacked and angry about it so I messaged the friend asking her why, she didn’t respond but she then simply deleted me and blocked me on absolutely everything with no explanation. This mutual friend - I thought we were close, we socialised, I thought highly of her, I have been a good mate. We never had a cross word and just a week ago I had her and other friends over for dinner, yet days later she is talking shit about me.

If she doesn't want to be my friend that's fine, just don't understand why she would be so cruel both with the going behind my back then the immediate ghosting. The hardest part is that I think I won’t ever get any answers so yet again I’ve been fucked over someone I cared about

I’m just broken and utterly humiliated

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 02/11/2021 08:55

I think taking screen shots of SM posts in order to gossip and ridicule a friend is totally out of order. She may think what she likes, but no need for that.

She's blocked you because you called her out on it and she cannot find a reasonable excuse to explain herself.

She is not and never was a friend.

HeartsAndClubs · 02/11/2021 09:09

Reading through the OP’s posts though she says that this friend has form for falling out with people, and that she’s seen how she behaves towards people she’s fallen out with. And then she’s hurt when the friend behaves in the same way towards her?

Likely the ex friend isn’t a very nice person. But it never ceases to amaze me that people are friends with someone knowing full well what they’re like, and then are hurt and upset when the friend behaves in the manner which is true to them towards them. What else do they expect?

RoseGoldEagle · 02/11/2021 09:11

when we stopped being friends I respectfully requested that anyone who knows us both to please not to engage in any talk about me with her and that I’d do the same and not ever bring her up

Your friends, I’m sure, nodded along to this. But it won’t have happened, and they will have thought you were a bit demanding to ask it. You, of course, can say you don’t want to speak about the ex friend yourself- and it sounds like you stuck to that, but you can’t tell other people who they can and can’t talk about. It’s a given you’d hope that genuinely good friends wouldn’t bitch about you behind your back, but just mentioning you- no, that’s not a reasonable request and drags everyone into your drama.

Sending screen shots of something from social media is crap though, you’re best off without that ‘friend’ in your life

Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 09:23

As a few of you have asked what I posted... I took a course relating to my work and I have not passed it by quite a wide margin.

Very pointless to post about it on fb I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 09:24

@HeartsAndClubs

Reading through the OP’s posts though she says that this friend has form for falling out with people, and that she’s seen how she behaves towards people she’s fallen out with. And then she’s hurt when the friend behaves in the same way towards her?

Likely the ex friend isn’t a very nice person. But it never ceases to amaze me that people are friends with someone knowing full well what they’re like, and then are hurt and upset when the friend behaves in the manner which is true to them towards them. What else do they expect?

Just to be clear - it was my ex best friend that has form for gossip and spire about the many people she's fallen out with

The one who shared my screen shot is completely the opposite to this (or so I thought) x

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 02/11/2021 09:31

But it’s the ex best friend I was talking about.

You knew what she was like, but you stayed friends with her until she turned her attentions to you. It was always going to happen.

What made you think you were any different to all the other people she’d fallen out with?

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 02/11/2021 09:36

You sound like a nice person OP. You are honest to put a fail on FB as 99.9% of the population of FB only put exaggerated bollocks about their achievements. You are too nice for FB basically and you need a load of new friends.

How did you find out that your post was shotted and shared?

LakieLady · 02/11/2021 09:38

This is one of the reasons I don't do SM, once something's out there, you have little control over what happens to it.

Being ghosted is horrible, so I do sympathise, OP. But at least you know why, and that the "friend" who ghosted you never had your back anyway.

I was ghosted 10 years ago by someone I thought was a good friend and I have no idea why. She blocked my number and everything. It still hurts.

CouldIhaveaword · 02/11/2021 09:39

How did you find out about the shared screenshots?

Sounds as though there may be a few people stirring the pot. Back off all of them and find some adult friends.

Greentrianglesarethebestones · 02/11/2021 09:40

I'm confused. You don't talk to your ex-best friend so presumably she didn't tell you about the screenshots, and the friend who sent her the screenshots didn't tell you about them according to your OP.

So how do you know about them?

Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 10:00

@HeartsAndClubs

But it’s the ex best friend I was talking about.

You knew what she was like, but you stayed friends with her until she turned her attentions to you. It was always going to happen.

What made you think you were any different to all the other people she’d fallen out with?

Ahh ok I see what you mean - Sorry I thought you'd got mixed up

It was sort of like the frog in boiling water analogy. The friendship started lovely and we did have a lot of good times.
But then something changed ...gradually the sly digs started, the mean hurtful comments etc.
At first it was not often but it just got more and more often to the point where it was obvious she didn't actually like me, the friendship didn't really exist anymore so I had to call it a day.
As for her obsessing over previous fall outs with others, that was something that also got more abs more often ...I always thought it was unnecessary and I did tell her this when we were still friends.

OP posts:
lavdine · 02/11/2021 10:37

@Greentrianglesarethebestones

I'm confused. You don't talk to your ex-best friend so presumably she didn't tell you about the screenshots, and the friend who sent her the screenshots didn't tell you about them according to your OP.

So how do you know about them?

This is a good point. Not adding up OP.

Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 11:03

I am not sure it really matters how I found out.

But it was via my DM, who still talks to bfs DM if she sees her, they live in the same village.

XBFDM saw my DM, among other chat asked "how is opals work going" and "heard she didn't pass her course" - DM was taken aback and asked how she knew and XBFDM said "it was on Facebook - (mutual friend name ) showed dd"

It's a bit convoluted I know. which is why I didn't go into detail on the how's in my OP

Hope it's clarified for those that wanted to know x Smile

OP posts:
Oftenithinkaboutit · 02/11/2021 11:05

You posted on social media that you’d failed your course???

hopingbutlosing · 02/11/2021 11:09

i just suggested it would be best to not discuss her with me or vice versa

I would think someone absolutely ridiculous for doing this. Especially since it wasn't one big dramatic betrayal, you just didn't like her.

Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 11:12

@Oftenithinkaboutit

You posted on social media that you’d failed your course???
Yes, I did. I have already acknowledged I should have not posted. So please don't beat me up anymore for it. I'm already doing that enough to myself believe me !
OP posts:
Oftenithinkaboutit · 02/11/2021 11:16

But it speaks volumes to me op
Attention seeking
Drama llama
And doesn’t think before acts

I suspect this may be how you approach your relationships

Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 11:29

@Oftenithinkaboutit

But it speaks volumes to me op Attention seeking Drama llama And doesn’t think before acts

I suspect this may be how you approach your relationships

So one ill judged post while feeling low anyway makes me shit at every single relationship does it?. And absolutely nothing wrong with sneaky two faced behaviour like sharing it with someone who hates me, someone who has actively made fun of my life in the past. okay then 👍

Actually, I've been happily married for years and have plenty of other good relationships / friendships in my life. I've conducted myself by quietly stepping away from a toxic friendship and by then not talking about her to anyone. People might think I was wrong to suggest not discussing me with her and vice versa. but I meant well - it was supposed to be for the benefit and comfort of all involved even my ex friend!

So I don't think anyone can judge how I conduct all relationships based on this.

Thanks for the input though all perspectives are welcome

OP posts:
RitaFires · 02/11/2021 11:30

Unfortunately, when you fall out with one person in a group you often have to take a step back from other friendships too. There can be a toxic group mindset where everyone feels they have to be involved in everything and the only way I've found of getting out of it is to stop being friends with all of them. The upside is that life is better when you aren't surrounded by people who try to turn everything into a drama.

Crumpetslumpet · 02/11/2021 11:31

Well OP you sound absolutely lovely and I'm really sorry you're going through this - completely gutting for you the whole job/ screen shot situation. No idea why people are piling onto you on here.

One thing I would say is that I agree with a pp that you sound like a bit of a people pleaser/ doormat. Even in response to people are giving you a hard time on here - I'd advise you to stop worrying about appeasing people. It's not good for your wellbeing and is rarely effective anyway.

TrickOrTreat21x · 02/11/2021 11:32

How did you know the screen shots was sent?

Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 11:34

Now I've had time to think on it all a bit more I am glad. I am not glad she did it but I'm glad I found out

Imagine not knowing and then me carrying on being friends with someone who is so two faced. Telling her personal things that end up god knows where. Time to concentrate on other friends and the other good stuff in my life of which there is plenty and I will not post anything remotely person on sm again

Doesn't even matter about my course I can re do it later on. I earn well anyway and absolutely love my job.

Thanks to everyone who commented. It all helped

OP posts:
Original poster
opalplumstead · 02/11/2021 11:38

@Crumpetslumpet

Well OP you sound absolutely lovely and I'm really sorry you're going through this - completely gutting for you the whole job/ screen shot situation. No idea why people are piling onto you on here.

One thing I would say is that I agree with a pp that you sound like a bit of a people pleaser/ doormat. Even in response to people are giving you a hard time on here - I'd advise you to stop worrying about appeasing people. It's not good for your wellbeing and is rarely effective anyway.

You are right - I think I maybe am a people pleaser. I hate fall outs and I never want to upset people I always see the best in people as well - probably why I took so long to leave the original friendship

I tried to answer as many people as possible on here as well, it's fine if they don't agree after all it is Aibu -
I wanted balanced replies not for everyone to be like aww poor you 😆 I've been on MN a long time so know what to expect

thank you for your kind message x

OP posts:
reallyagain · 02/11/2021 12:00

Lousanne the room he works in isnt ideal but he won't move elsewhere as the other desk apparently isnt big enough

Hankunamatata · 02/11/2021 12:06

First mistake was to make a dramatic I dont want to be your friend instead of just backing away and keeping her on the periphery of your friendship group. Second was posting on social media. Friend could have been looking at fb while with ex friend and was like oh no x hasnt passed her course. Easily done. If you dont want the world to know then dont put it on sm