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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Stilsmiling · 02/11/2021 20:43

Don’t over complicate it. You are trying to build a relationship with them for your oh and children’s sake. They have asked if those dates suit, so they either do or they don’t.
Maybe reply with dates that do suit, eg. “20th suits but not 21st. Why don’t you come early on 20th, stay here that night and leave on the evening of 21st. December is always busy but it would be great to have the two days close to Christmas.”

Segan21 · 02/11/2021 20:45

I don’t think ur being reasonable if u do not have a good relationship with them. My friend’s MIL is a right bitch and a very difficult person to be around. She always says that when the MIL comes to stay at Xmas that she tries to ‘tolerate’ Christmas and can only enjoy it when her MIL is gone. No one should have to feel like this in their own home. U say “we’re” not really close with them and “we’ve” had a few run ins with them. So maybe ur husband needs to stand up and tell his parents that 2/3 days over Christmas doesn’t suit but that he’s happy to drive up to them with the kids and stay a night with them.

JamOrMarmaladeOnToast · 02/11/2021 20:45

In their house where she is double breastfeeding
and DH didn't pass on the message and OP is left with the majority hosting. There is no should about it.

JamOrMarmaladeOnToast · 02/11/2021 20:47

@Stilsmiling

Don’t over complicate it. You are trying to build a relationship with them for your oh and children’s sake. They have asked if those dates suit, so they either do or they don’t. Maybe reply with dates that do suit, eg. “20th suits but not 21st. Why don’t you come early on 20th, stay here that night and leave on the evening of 21st. December is always busy but it would be great to have the two days close to Christmas.”
Because OP has already said in her OP she doesn't want this.
CambsAlways · 02/11/2021 20:49

Wow that’s quite a lot to host on top of having a newborn and another little one, I couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t! I wouldn’t want my in-laws over twice in a month either, once month would be fine though

JonSnowIsALoser · 02/11/2021 20:53

@Jem57
Would you really expect your daughter-in-law who has just given birth and who has a newborn and toddler to look after to host and entertain you whenever you feel like popping over?! Are people really so self-centred?! If so, don't be surprised if you might not always be welcome.

Blinkingheckythump · 02/11/2021 21:01

Op: Aibu
Pretty much everyone: yes
Op:well I'm not

CauliflowerBalti · 02/11/2021 21:01

You’re mum of a newborn with two under 2, trying to juggle everyone’s needs. What you say goes. No way would I have been able to face hosting anyone for three days in one month, let alone another stint. There’s only so much energy one human has to give, and I don’t care if it’s Christmas. They should be more understanding. Who invites themselves to stay and knowingly add to the parents of a newborn’s load?! YANBU. Tell them your house and brain are at capacity that close to Christmas - they’re welcome to visit but you can’t host them.

Amberflames · 02/11/2021 21:51

It seems that some of the posters haven't picked up on the fact that you're breastfeeding both babes

Yes it’s amazing how she can manage to rally to host 12 of her own family and friends.

DirtyDancing · 02/11/2021 21:58

Unless they are narcissistic arses.. isn't it nice they want to see their Grandkids, that they make the effort to come to see you all and want to see you all? I like my PIL, they aren't perfect, but I respect them and the time they have with their Grandkids. Enjoy the free babysitting!!

Murphs1 · 02/11/2021 22:14

I feel your pain. my in-laws stay once a month and it is too much, for me at least!. They are quite difficult people and never satisfied. They stay for 2 nights and are always trying to negotiate longer, but we both work so it’s not possible. They also want to spend every school holiday with us bit I try not to do that as well!! If it was alternate months it would be better all round I think. In regards to the Christmas visit, couldn’t you go to them instead?

Lopoem · 02/11/2021 22:17

I really feel for you Op. I fully can see where you're coming from. It sounds like you have a difficult history and it is understandable you don't want to host them so often. Especially with a toddler and a newborn!

My Dd's are a few years older, but I struggle being both a guest and a host to my PIL's. I am fortunate in that they are actually lovely. I am a bit of an introvert though and while I am happy to socialise in the day, I like my alone time with just me and my husband in the evening. It is a bit different with my own family, as I feel more relaxed. But DH's it is harder, but totally my problem and not theirs.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/11/2021 22:18

@underneaththeash

Just reply that you're not able to do both and ask which dates would suit them best.
This!!
Feelingoktoday · 02/11/2021 22:26

Those of you saying that seeing the ILs once a month for two days is too much, how often do you see your mum and dad?

I have two sons. Am I only going to be able to see my grandchildren two days a month? Seems cruel to me.

LobsterNapkin · 02/11/2021 22:29

Most grandparents that are at all involved will want to see their grandkids once a month, and at times like Christmas if at all possible.

The idea that my kid's spouses might try and avoid me seeing them more is pretty horrible to contemplate.

Anothernameanothertime · 02/11/2021 22:34

Can you stop seeing their visit as you needing to host? You’ve got two tiny children - they could baby sit while you sleep or get ready for Christmas.

Hammy65 · 02/11/2021 22:35

I apologise if this has been said before ( haven’t read the whole thread ) but why can’t they join you all for Christmas Day? If you have twelve - two more is nothing and how great to have your whole family around you. They could stay overnight in a hotel/ Band B as they’ve done before but would be there for Christmas Day. We as a family have done similar things over the years - there will come a time when you will need them. Let everyone help. That’s what Christmas - and grandparents - is all about.

Colin56 · 02/11/2021 22:38

I think you are very reasonable. It sounds like hard work and they define mostly when they come. You are stating your needs and are under no obligation to manage this relationship. Id say 'which date in December do you want but not both?'
Your house, your choice. If your husband objects he can always go see them. Dont get swayed otherwise it creeps into more visits.

landing223 · 02/11/2021 22:41

I don’t know how you have managed to have all these people coming to you at Christmas - 14 if the in-laws do come. Sounds very very tiring. If it was me and I had a newborn I wouldn’t have had anyone to my house and instead visited other people in their houses OR gone to a restaurant. You are going to be stressed and shattered for Christmas. But it’s not fair if you have the 12 people over and not have your in-laws too. I would cancel it all and book a hotel for myself and family and have all the cooking/cleaning done for me. Say that you will host a simple buffet at yours in the New Year and in-laws can stay in B&B and visit you during the day for a couple of days

Colin56 · 02/11/2021 22:41

@Feelingoktoday

Those of you saying that seeing the ILs once a month for two days is too much, how often do you see your mum and dad?

I have two sons. Am I only going to be able to see my grandchildren two days a month? Seems cruel to me.

Seems like you like laying on guilt using words like cruel. Some people for lots of reasons dont want their families involved or over involved in their lives.
Feelingoktoday · 02/11/2021 22:42

@Colin56

I think you are very reasonable. It sounds like hard work and they define mostly when they come. You are stating your needs and are under no obligation to manage this relationship. Id say 'which date in December do you want but not both?' Your house, your choice. If your husband objects he can always go see them. Dont get swayed otherwise it creeps into more visits.
So no compromise with the H. If he disagrees he can go and visit them?? Well one day when the kids are older perhaps he will.
CorpusCallosum · 02/11/2021 22:50

Oh my days, @bravelittlepenguin are you me?! Right down to the 'whatever works for you' line which allows them to say they're not imposing when actually they really really are and by making no decisions are just heaping a load of extra mental work on to you!!

Pre-covid my PILs (3.5hrs away) told me seeing DD "all the time" would be their ideal whereas in reality every 6 weeks was pushing it for me - but whatever I did would never be enough to sate them - however 'nice' they were it was exhausting.

To all those saying 'it's just a couple of days a month, can't believe you'd shut out your husbands parents like that' etc... ultimately if they are just bloody hard work it's absolutely ok to say you need more down time between visits!!

Now DD is older, not bfing, so DH takes her to see them for 2 out of 3 visits. I get a break and PILs get to see the people they are really bothered about. Sounds like that might work for you long term too.

Due number 2 now and I know it's all going to start up again 😔 I honestly loved the enforced year long break Covid gave me. Can't wait for littlest to be older so DH can take both DC away for GP time without me!

YADNBU

AnnieSnap · 02/11/2021 22:54

@bravelittlepenguin

I don't get why people comment on threads they haven't read properly. I'm not complaining about them coming to stay having been invited. I'm complaining about them asking to come to stay for a second time 3 weeks after the first visit, 3 days before Xmas.
But surely that extra visit is just because it’s Christmas and they want to see the grandchildren and give them gifts!

Yes YABU

phoenixrosehere · 02/11/2021 23:03

Yes, it’s amazing how she can manage to rally to host 12 of her own family and friends.

Which was planned in advance and before this message. OP said that she and husband discussed that they weren’t coming a second time during December before MIL texted today. OP tried to discuss Christmas plans with the in-laws before all of this and they were vague about it with her only to make plans with their son afterwards who assumed they understood that there couldn’t be a second trip. That was proven wrong when MIL messaged today.

Considering the way these in-laws handled this, I wouldn’t bat an eye and tell them that it doesn’t work and if they come after you about it point out that you did try to talk to them about it but they hadn’t been clear and you thought they had other plans.

They likely could have come over Christmas if they had discussed it with OP when she was trying to instead of ignoring her and I don’t blame her for not wanting to host them a second time if this is the way they treat her.

At least with the earlier date, they won’t have to share time with their grandchildren.

littlemisslozza · 02/11/2021 23:03

@ihateaparade
AND that this is the year for spending Xmas with YOUR family/friends because you alternate.

I don't think they do alternate between OP's family and her in-laws. I'm pretty sure the OP's family take it in turns to host i.e. her parents, her sister/brother and her. That's how I understood it. OP's turn to host the rest of her family, who frankly, I would hope will turn up and muck in seeing as OP has her hands full.

OP, my in-laws are lovely but not the type who will help out in the house without being asked. Not because they are horrible but more that they don't want to appear like they are interfering. If you 'host' you don't give them chance to relax and help. Carry on normal life, go to baby group, ask them to organise a meal each day, make their bed up, go to the shops etc.

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