To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

@Feelingoktoday

Those of you saying that seeing the ILs once a month for two days is too much, how often do you see your mum and dad?

I have two sons. Am I only going to be able to see my grandchildren two days a month? Seems cruel to me.

Well here’s a few tips if you want to see your GC more.

1. Ask your sons to bring your GC to visit you.
2. Be nice to them when they visit you
3. Be exceptionally nice to your son’s partners if you are ever invited to visit their home
4. Don’t pull that emotionally abusive “ you are cruel “ crap on them

HTH

@Feelingoktoday She has two small kids, breastfeeding, doing entertaining for 12 and they are not clued in enough to realise they are imposing by coming so often. Set clear boundaries now is my advice. If the husband wants to see them he can. No idea where compromise comes into it?? She is doing all the running about.
Grandparents seem to think its their god given right to rock up whenever- no thanks.

@Feelingoktoday read @GenderAtheist post, said it better than I could.

I'm with you OP. Why do you have to have PIL to stay? For the benefit of their relationship with the children in the future? But what is the point of that when you don't like them, find them odd and offensive re your wedding etc? Be more casual and off hand and don't get buttonholed into any arrangements you don't want. Don't make plans just to be polite. Tell the all their visits perhaps make life rather complicated for them (or you?) and just leave a remark like that ''hanging''. Let DH visit them himself if he wishes to - but anyway there is the excuse that they are so far away. Xmas is rather over rated and mostly a lot of commercialised tat these days anyway.

@bravelittlepenguin

I should also probably add that when we planned the December trip i asked DH to make sure they weren't expecting a second trip in December. When we saw them a few weeks ago I tried to make plans with them over Xmas for the "Xmas trip" but because they can't cope with direct conversations they didn't confirm anything with me and wouldn't engage in the conversation. It was very vague like "oh yes sure that would be nice". They've then separately organised the date on December with DH and I asked him to confirm with them that this was their Xmas trip as I said i had tried to organise it with his mum but she hadn't wanted to discuss it with me and he said he assumed that was the case. But the message today makes it clear that hadn't been clear to them. It's just an example of why I find them hard work- they won't discuss things directly or make firm plans it's all "oh whatever is easiest for you" when in fact that's not what they mean.

My mil has a secret third son. 😂 I know exactly what you mean and a lot of it is so hard to convey in writing. They are very awkward and act like guests, treat me as non family and "other" me then announce i am the daughter they never had My mil and fil also did similar in the run up to our wedding and it upset my dh so much. I really struggled to move past it.

Personally i would suck up the second xmas visit but push it put to post xmas and do f all hosting - dh makes the beds and they get leftovers and freezer party food.
It will be a lot more chilled that way.

I have teens and an adult DD. I also have grandchildren courtesy of DD1. I live and breath them... want to be with them a the time,so I get the once a month for a few days thing.

Is there a reason you and your family couldn't go to them every other month and have them come to you in between?

I do think you need to put your foot down over two visits in one month though.

Completely on your side as I also had a troubled relationship with my ex in-laws who lived a significant distance away and expected to stay for days on end when I had small children. You’ve genuinely got a lot on so can justify only seeing them once in December. But be honest and explain that you’re overwhelmed so it’s harder for them to blame you and take this personally. Also, if you accept their plans for this year, you’re setting a precedent that will run and mean you’re overseeing them every Christmas. When you genuinely don’t Bond with in-laws limiting contact to what you can manage maintains civility

I would tackle the monthly visit in the new year. You can't blame grandparents wanting to see to babies over Xmas but I totally think it's fine to ask them to stay in a hotel as so many visitors.

If you don’t want to see them be honest don’t make excuses, it could be helpful as they could look after the children enabling you to get on with things. Alternatively could you invite them for new year?

I have only read your posts but it doesn't sound like you like the in laws very much and apparently your DH has no say in any family plans.

If you alternate Christmas then stick with that routine its a fair approach.

I would love for my kids to have grandparents who make the effort for them.

I think you get grandparents who want a genuine two way relationship with their children and grandchildren that is mutually beneficial but you also get those who just see being a grandparent almost like a status symbol. It's something that fulfills them and they are entitled to this fulfillment whenever they want it. The first type are more willing to compromise and actually treat the parents of the GCs like human beings with their own needs rather than an irrelevance.

The PP who described this situation as imposing on a young family had it spot on.

To all the I-hope-my-son-doesnt-marry-someone-as-cruel-as-you posters my advice would be to treat any DILs with respect, accept they may have had a more difficult birth than you or a baby that is harder work. Understand that these baby groups or classes are often very beneficial to a new mums mental health. Try to fit in with family life when you do visit. Have a life outside of being a grandparent so you aren't completely dependent on them for your fulfillment. Accept that your DIL is going to have a different relationship with her own mother and all the whinging about "equal grandparents" won't change that. Expect more from your son's and don't expect DIL to be some sort of social secretary.

@Feelingoktoday I understand what you are saying, which is why I host my inlaws once a month. I’m just saying it’s tricky as they are not the easiest people to please or be around at times, and I bend over backwards to please my mil but it never seems to be enough. They would move in if they could I’m sure!

Many people aren't reading your OP or actual posts

You asked if yabu to not want monthly visits from PIL. What you meant wasn't that you don't want to see them monthly (an afternoon visit would be great) but that you don't want to host snd entertain them all day every for 3 full days, every 4th weekend. And they've invited themselves back to stay a second time in Dec for couple days before Xmas when you'll already be too busy to host them again .

It sounds like even when they stay elsewhere PILs turn up all day for 3 days and expect entertaining do your & DCs lives go on hold . That's too much. You really have to manage their expectations and visit behaviour. Keep your diary going, don't be a hotel.

You don't want PILs inviting themselves again to stay with you 20-22nd Dec as you'll be too busy running around getting ready before 12 of your family come for a planned visit/ stay and Xmas dinner- for a last Xmas together with your terminally ill relative . None of that is unreasonable, it's ok to say no. You said you alternate Xmas anyway so it's their turn next year. You can always make NYD or Easter visits as "their time" this year and swop it next year.

There's no rule. You do what suits your family

@ihateaparade

Still getting a hard time, I see. It seems that some of the posters haven't picked up on the fact that you're breastfeeding both babes, AND that this is the year for spending Xmas with YOUR family/friends because you alternate. Also overlooked is that the second set of dates proposed by your in-laws are both work days which your husband does not have available leave for so he can't be the hostess with the mostest during that time. Nowhere have I seen you say that you aren't willing to host or that you are putting any obstacles in the way of the grandparents having a close relationship with your children. What I have seen is a great deal of projection of posters own circumstances and relationships. Again, you are Not Being Unreasonable by putting your own family and needs first in this case. Just because your in-laws are free and have the spare time to visit, does not negate the fact that it just doesn't work for you during Xmas week. It's ok to say "No, thank you".

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I recently had my
Teen niece and nephew for the week and have 3 boys myself 12,3 and 5 months. Normally a bit of a social butterfly and happy to do lots with the kids this time I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. Planning to have people stay so far ahead with a new born is also very difficult as they change so much. One week sleep like an angel then awake all through the night.

If you think you might change your mind, I’d just say really sorry but December is really full
On and we cannot committee at the moment, shall we see how it goes and I’ll Let you know.

If you don’t want to stress and worry about it anymore just be honest and say, unfortunately our December is fully booked. Offer the alternative dates or maybe offer a night to go sleep at theirs then you can leave on your terms.

For years I said yes to stuff I wasn’t feeling up to or felt pressured into and it made me develop anxiety. I just started saying no to things and no one hated me.

Xx

I was fully on your page but then you said that you'd encouraged them to stay with you rather than at a B&B near....
So although I agree it's too much, in all kinds of ways, from their point of view they're taking you at your word. The only difference being a big gap followed by a small one... why.. Xmas.
Good luck is all I can say,... if you had more time you could ween yourself slowly away to a more manageable visit schedule... but its already November so cannot see an answer without causing a stink.

We have a 2 and half hour drive to se our beautiful grandchildren .. we stay at a hotel so we don’t over impose and we give them a rest for a couple of days .. life is short … some grandparents couldn’t give a hoot Zz my brother has 3 and he couldn’t care less about them

Just keep it simple OP.

"Sorry we are busy, can we get together after Xmas" short & sweet

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. So you make plenty of effort at Christmas for your own family, having enough time and energy to invite 12 of them yet you cannot find it in your heart to also invite your in laws, grandparents to your children. You and your husband need to have a good look at yourselves. Disgusting behaviour, so hurtful. Your poor inlaws must feel like they are unwanted, unloved and treading on egg shells all the time. They obviously want a relationship with you and their grandchildren. I had a MIL who wasn't interested in her own children yet alone her grandchildren!! Be kind, welcome them into your home and your heart. Put differences aside. And appreciate them!!

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. So you make plenty of effort at Christmas for your own family, having enough time and energy to invite 12 of them yet you cannot find it in your heart to also invite your in laws, grandparents to your children. You and your husband need to have a good look at yourselves. Disgusting behaviour, so hurtful. Your poor inlaws must feel like they are unwanted, unloved and treading on egg shells all the time.

I highly doubt that considering the way they are treating OP. She ASKED them about their Christmas Plans and they chose not to give her an answer something they have form for and sorted it with her husband instead and he said he thought they knew there wouldn’t be a second trip. Perhaps if they had answered her questions instead of ignoring her, they would have been accommodated closer to Christmas. My own in-laws tell us when they’re thinking of coming down or if I or husband ask they will give us either a definite answer or “we’re not sure but we’ll let you know” because that’s what reasonable adults do. They don’t ignore me like OP’s does. It is OP’s house too and she is the one who lives there and is the main person who is going to be hosting them since their son is at work.

Also, she did say that they alternate so this year is her family.

Some of you are projecting majorly because your own in-laws are not interested in your own kids so you think any DIL with in-laws like OP should simply accept it or is cruel for having some boundaries.

I'm with mrsm43s too. I would be very bright and breezy , show them where everything is, lend them a set of keys for the visit and carry on with all my normal activities. If needed I would also be making comments about how nice that you don't need to treat family like guests but can just crack on.

@Egie

Why entertain friends over Christmas? Surely family should come first at Christmas! U can see friends at other times

I've spent Christmases with friends, with family and with a mix. People can spend it with whoever they want; there is no 'should'. And for some people friends are equally if not more important/supportive/good for them than family.

With 12 people to host at Christmas + 2 small DC, it is unreasonable for them to expect you to accommodate their visit so near Christmas.
But in your OP you don't come across as someone wanting to see PILS at all, anyway, tbh.

I didn’t care too much for the Pil (and I had the bad wedding behaviour - they arrived after me, the bride, at the church ) but I can’t imagine trying to exclude them at Christmas.

Dsis eliminated her in-laws. It wasn’t that they were evil people, they just were not her own family. We all played games, were very festive etc, but her Pil were strict Methodists. When bil left dsis, one reason he cited was that she wouldn’t let him invite his parents ever, and refused to visit them. My granny also eliminated grandpa’s family, whilst she lived in the same street as her dm and gm. In fact mil also eliminated her mil and fil had to sneak off in secret to see her.