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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rosesandbees · 02/11/2021 19:22

Difficult one, as many others have said I think it is reasonable for them to want to see you all near Christmas.
Meeting half way for lunch if you think the kids will be alright in the car for that time sounds like an excellent suggestion.
My PIL stay as they are over two hours away. When the children were small they pitched in and helped prepare meals or we had nice ready meals. I also showed them where the coffee and tea were and said to help themselves. If they aren’t prepared to do that I would suggest they stay in a hotel/b&b again.
Definitely go to your baby class, the IL’s don’t need to be entertained constantly.

Starlightening · 02/11/2021 19:22

You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in your own home ! It’s hard work entertaining and looking after guests when you have 2 little ones and can see why you don’t want them staying over twice !! Maybe your husband could try and reduce the visits down or make a suggestion that they stay somewhere close by and come over for a few hours maybe when you have a full house of 12 !!!

ivykaty44 · 02/11/2021 19:24

why not suggest after xmas when its a bit less frantic and hotels are cheaper?

Gilld69 · 02/11/2021 19:29

I don't think it's unreasonable for them yo visit once a month. I'd go crackers if I couldn't see my Gk once a week, but I'd tell them your not able to put them up everytime and Xmas week is one of those times as you have too much going on already how does your husband feel about this and how does it differ from your relationship with your parents, I note you said you've had run ins, are your parents welcome more often

Jojojojojowhat · 02/11/2021 19:30

I could have written this. Mine used to drive the 3 hours and just turn up unannounced expecting us (me) to host them. YANBU!

JamOrMarmaladeOnToast · 02/11/2021 19:34

Don't feel obliged to see in laws every month just because GPs would go spare not seeing them. They must have a life outside family.

Your home, your kids, your life.

You set the invitations to suit your own routine.

Coffeepot72 · 02/11/2021 19:37

I’m generally happy to have visitors, providing they don’t expect overnight accommodation. This is why god gave us Travelodges!

Laurie000 · 02/11/2021 19:40

[quote JonSnowIsALoser]@Laurie000

How can the husband take a breastfed newborn by himself to his parents' for a weekend?![/quote]
@JonSnowIsALoser well if it’s over a 3 hour drive away like OP has suggested then usually by car, but I guess the train would work just the same.

Nowhere, in my comment did I suggest that DH should take the children off to see the in-laws in the immediate future, but it is something to consider for the future when said newborn is no longer breastfeeding as I doubt the in laws are going to stop their monthly visits any time soon.

Jeannie88 · 02/11/2021 19:41

It's your partner's family too, what if it was the other way round? We all think we have too much going on but when it comes down it family are the most important do please reassess priorities. Yes it may be a pain in the arse but would you expect your own family to be told no?

Franceydownsizes · 02/11/2021 19:43

Hosting 12 at Christmas with your little ones is unreasonable. Arranging a a lovely day for your little fam to see the grandparents isn’t. Truth maybe that you prefer your 12 guests to your in laws but they are your children’s grandparents and you should be more accommodating. Sorry 😞

listentothewind · 02/11/2021 19:47

I had a similar mildly awkward relationship with my in laws due to the same reason of not being up front about what they want/like/don’t like etc. you called it passive-aggressive but in hindsight I think it’s actually politeness on steroids. It’s a generation thing. It was just so different from my own family though. But I have to say that their help and interest in the children in those early days was so genuine and they were desperate to help in any way they could. It took me by surprise just how important their support and presence was. Similarly we lived quite a distance from them and they wanted to travel to see us regularly. My advice is don’t fight their need to see you all and make the most of those monthly visits! Get a takeaway one night and the other night let them babysit and you and DH go out for dinner or to the cinema. I bet they’d love bathing and doing GC’s bedtime and feeling like they are really involved and helping. Don’t waste time thinking you have to ‘host’, they are family and can muck in and lighten your load. My first two had a 20M gap. I remember it well😅! Show them your vulnerable side, be honest about how stressful it is and I’m pretty sure they’ll step up and want to make things easier for you whilst they are there. Our three are now all at secondary school and the GP’s are nowhere near as hands on in our hectic lives so make the most of it whilst you can! Xx

Tigger1895 · 02/11/2021 19:49

Have you thought they may be offering an olive branch and trying to establish a new relationship with you?

JamOrMarmaladeOnToast · 02/11/2021 19:49

@bravelittlepenguin

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

Suggest you see them AFTER Christmas as a compromise.

That way they can't accidentally stay/assume/invite themselves for the 24th 25th December which I strongly suspect is what they are angling for..

libertyfarmboots · 02/11/2021 19:58

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all and I can see why giving several days in a block over to them every 4/5 weeks would bother you, especially if they’re staying in your home. It would feel like you always have to arrange your own life around when they have arranged to visit on a frequent basis and I don’t think that’s fair. It’s just one of those things. You’ve got two babies which is exhausting enough and if you feel this is going to stress you out going forward you definitely need to assert your boundaries now. You don’t need to be guilted into putting your own needs at the bottom of the pile.

I think the first reply you had was spot on- tell them both dates is December is too much and ask which works best for them.

JamOrMarmaladeOnToast · 02/11/2021 20:06

What about you suggest a date in January as something to look foward to in the new year?

You have made plans already for Christmas and do not want to change them You do not need to say why to any of them.

jontyl · 02/11/2021 20:08

Feels like you’re positioning yourself as lead dog.

JudgeJ · 02/11/2021 20:17

@DGFB

It’s not unreasonable for them to want to see the children close to Christmas. Sorry but you sound the unreasonable one here
I wonder how often her husband's in-laws are allowed to visit?
CrankyFrankie · 02/11/2021 20:20

I would say try and make it work for you/mutually beneficial. Get your OH to pull his weight with the prep and don’t cancel your baby classes. And conversely, let them all have ‘quality time’ together while you get a bit of your own quality time doing whatever you’ve been wanting to do but never have the time for.

3scape · 02/11/2021 20:24

JudgeJ maybe they don't expect to be hosted for days at a time?

But visiting once a month is pretty excessive. Surely they've all got things to do? The idea of freeing up whole weekends every month is insane! I cant imagine getting enough free time to pull it off.

ihateaparade · 02/11/2021 20:27

Still getting a hard time, I see. It seems that some of the posters haven't picked up on the fact that you're breastfeeding both babes, AND that this is the year for spending Xmas with YOUR family/friends because you alternate. Also overlooked is that the second set of dates proposed by your in-laws are both work days which your husband does not have available leave for so he can't be the hostess with the mostest during that time. Nowhere have I seen you say that you aren't willing to host or that you are putting any obstacles in the way of the grandparents having a close relationship with your children. What I have seen is a great deal of projection of posters own circumstances and relationships. Again, you are Not Being Unreasonable by putting your own family and needs first in this case. Just because your in-laws are free and have the spare time to visit, does not negate the fact that it just doesn't work for you during Xmas week. It's ok to say "No, thank you".

Morgysmum · 02/11/2021 20:28

Yikes, twice in one month of my pil would be a nightmare. I would say, that you cannot do both, then go for the date near Christmas, this should keep them happy. I have a dilemma of what to do for Christmas, my Oh wants to go to his mums for Christmas, the problem is, we might have to work Christmas Eve and I might have to work Boxing day, the problem is we don't have a car, so would be relying on public transport, however nothing will be running on Christmas day and if I have to work Boxing day, it will be probably be a 6 am start.

Mollymoostoo · 02/11/2021 20:32

You are being expected to host people who make you feel uncomfortable and neither of you get on with. You have just had a baby and need to get to grips with being a mum again.
No you are not being unreasonable. People thank grandparents have a right to ser their GC and life just doesn't work like that.
It is your home and your family and you and DH need to set the terms. Be firm and you offer them the dates you are willing to do. They need to see your boundaries.

Mollymoostoo · 02/11/2021 20:32

@ihateaparade

Still getting a hard time, I see. It seems that some of the posters haven't picked up on the fact that you're breastfeeding both babes, AND that this is the year for spending Xmas with YOUR family/friends because you alternate. Also overlooked is that the second set of dates proposed by your in-laws are both work days which your husband does not have available leave for so he can't be the hostess with the mostest during that time. Nowhere have I seen you say that you aren't willing to host or that you are putting any obstacles in the way of the grandparents having a close relationship with your children. What I have seen is a great deal of projection of posters own circumstances and relationships. Again, you are Not Being Unreasonable by putting your own family and needs first in this case. Just because your in-laws are free and have the spare time to visit, does not negate the fact that it just doesn't work for you during Xmas week. It's ok to say "No, thank you".
This ^^
Yourcatisnotsorry · 02/11/2021 20:33

Offer to meet them halfway and go for lunch/afternoon out. Seeing them every month is reasonable hosting them every month isn’t IMO.

Mollymoostoo · 02/11/2021 20:34

@Franceydownsizes

Hosting 12 at Christmas with your little ones is unreasonable. Arranging a a lovely day for your little fam to see the grandparents isn’t. Truth maybe that you prefer your 12 guests to your in laws but they are your children’s grandparents and you should be more accommodating. Sorry 😞
Ummm no she doesn't. They don't have any legal entitlement here.