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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Mumontour85 · 02/11/2021 18:10

Why not suggest going to stay with them occasionally instead??
Why not have them to stay but not change your plans, if it's that often they can't expect to be 'hosted' and entertained the entire time so they do their thing and you continue as normal?? Why not invite your MIL to the baby group with you? Might be a nice bonding experience. Or suggest they cook one night to give you a break.
Why not make your DH deal with his parents??!

I understand there's a history between you but it sounds as though they're trying not to impose too much by staying in a hotel and just want to spend time with their son and grandchildren...

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also don't think they are being unreasonable either. However, I do think you're making a bit of a mountain of this when you just need to communicate a bit better and find solutions that everyone can work with...

Bellie710 · 02/11/2021 18:18

I find it strange how many people think 12 people is a ridiculous number to have for Xmas? We have a minimum of 10 usually up to around 15 and we have always done that before and after children.

Most of my friends are exactly the same, I just assumed that most people had all their family round for Xmas dinner!

Invertedsnob · 02/11/2021 18:18

I’ve just reset my password to log in and comment here because indeed that unless you have difficult inlaws you can’t know how draining it is to have them staying with you. I could have written your post OP and do not think YABU at all. But I have got better over the years at making DH stick up for himself and tell them himself rather than leaving everything to me. We now meet in the middle every other visit.

Bookaholic33 · 02/11/2021 18:20

This sounds awful - you must feel really trapped. Wondering if you had normal grandparents/relationships in your own life ever? It would be nice for you to have some ‘me’ time too though if they are happy to babysit if they stay - if they MUST stay. Win-win .. good luck 😊

JonSnowIsALoser · 02/11/2021 18:21

What does your husband think about it, OP? Whether they are visiting once in December or twice, I'd definitely make him the main host - you've got a toddler and a newborn to look after. You say he's not good at this sort of stuff - but in such situation, as in many others when someone "is not too good at something", practice makes perfect. The more hosting he does the better he will get at it. The "not too good" excuse is just a convenient cop-out.

I'd also make it clear to the in-laws that their son is the host, and to arrange the visit directly with him. I'd also politely ask them to help with some chores during their visit if your husband can't cope.

Make it clear that they are welcome, but you will be busy with the children and recovering from birth.

It will mean you will need to step back and the visit may not be up to your or their standard, but it's not your problem.

MrsBizzyBody · 02/11/2021 18:22

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I like hosting but I do find it exhausting and my kids are a bit older and need a bit less one on one. The in-laws staying just before everyone else is a pain because you will have to change all the bedding etc just when you need to be preparing for the festivities or resting in anticipation. At this rate you are you are going to be returning to work and having a mental break down.
It all depends on what type of people they are. Do they expect you to do everything or do you feel you should?
Can you turn this to your advantage?
Can they be helpful? If they were to come could they take the toddler out and give you some space? Or babysit while you get things done (like going for coffee with a friend)? Could you say something like “you know it would be really helpful because I have so much to do and a load of errands if you could help out with kids it would be great” and see how that lands with them - it may put them off but also make clear you can’t always run around playing host.

Laurie000 · 02/11/2021 18:22

It is both nice and important that the in laws are trying to build a relationship with their grandchildren, but why don’t you suggest that DH takes the grandchildren to visit them one weekend? It will give you a chance to have a weekend to do your own thing, whether it’s a quiet weekend alone, a spa weekend or a weekend away with your friends. That way you won’t have the in laws visiting you that month, you won’t have to be present for it and you get a weekend to yourself.

SallyWD · 02/11/2021 18:22

It sounds like it's a one off that you'd see them twice in one month (because of Christmas) and you could reasonably say that you're little overwhelmed hosting 12 people and having a newborn so would they mind staying in a B and B on that occasion. However, I don't think seeing them once a month is unreasonable at all. If things are awkward between you then it's a chance to build bridges. I only became close to my in laws once my children came along. Imagine when you're children are grown up. How would you feel if their partner didn't want to see you once a month, thereby making it awkward for you to see your child and grandchildren?

ColinTheKoala · 02/11/2021 18:24

@Bellie710

I find it strange how many people think 12 people is a ridiculous number to have for Xmas? We have a minimum of 10 usually up to around 15 and we have always done that before and after children.

Most of my friends are exactly the same, I just assumed that most people had all their family round for Xmas dinner!

I couldn't fit that many into my house and I imagine most people are the same.

Shaz3004 · 02/11/2021 18:28

Your poor in laws how very sad

Jackburger · 02/11/2021 18:28

I think they are probably getting mixed messages. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to want to see their very young grandchildren monthly as they change so quickly at that age and they sound like they want a relationship with them which is a good thing. They've obviously tried to not inconvenience you by staying at a B&B and not eating at your house, but that seems to have come across as passive/agressive (how?!). If you have too much going on in December maybe ask if they can stay at a B&B as previously planned. My MIL lives abroad and when coming to stay does so for 4-6 weeks which I have to say I find hard (despite the fact she's lovely). I think that one day I could be in her shoes and hope I have a DIL who will allow me to have a relationship with any possible grandchildren.

Vivi0 · 02/11/2021 18:28

I can’t believe the amount of doormats on here telling you that you are being unreasonable and that you should be happy to host your in laws overnight, twice in the one month, just before Christmas. I can’t believe they would even impose themselves on you like that.

YANBU.

Who has this amount of free time? Who wants to spend their downtime in this way?

Fuck that, OP. Visiting once a month and expecting to stay for multiple nights is outrageous. I wouldn’t tolerate anything more than a visit every 2 months, and even then they stay in a hotel. If they want to see you all more often, for shorter, more appropriate visits, they can move closer. Why would anyone try to monopolise a young family’s time in this way?

Flyingsatsuma · 02/11/2021 18:30

If they are anything like my in-laws then definitely not unreasonable!

Egie · 02/11/2021 18:37

Why entertain friends over Christmas? Surely family should come first at Christmas! U can see friends at other times

Fudgemonkeys · 02/11/2021 18:39

My parents live 3 hour drive away, they'd have the grandchildren for both half terms, I'd go down stay weekend then they'd drop them back up at the end of the week. They never stayed but were happy to come and spend the day if we had an event on, wedding etc. Great parents. Never imposed and never just turned up - they had their own social life. I have to say I was very lucky. PIL lived 45 mins away, MIL couldn't drive,FIL worked, again a win.

2outof3hapoy · 02/11/2021 18:41

You’ve got a newborn and a 20 month old you are not being unreasonable

SpookyScarySkeletons · 02/11/2021 18:41

I think that unless there is a massive backstory then you are being quite mean to begrudge them a once monthly visit. I sincerely hope that my own DC do not marry someone with that attitude!

JonSnowIsALoser · 02/11/2021 18:48

@Laurie000

How can the husband take a breastfed newborn by himself to his parents' for a weekend?!

phoenixrosehere · 02/11/2021 18:50

Mumsnet seems to be full of women who dislike, pick fault with and want to alienate their partner's parents. As a mother of all boys, i really hope they don't settle with partner's who behave like this.

As a mother of boys, I would hope my sons would put their wife first especially after having a baby! I would make plans with both, not what OP’s MIL did and go around or ignore DIL whose trying to make plans about the visit to do it with my son.

Is there a reason they couldn’t just skip the early one in December and do the Christmas one with your DH hosting?

When my in-laws visit, my DH hosts. He cooks, cleans up after them and keeps them entertained. I make sure they have nice sheets and towels. When it’s my family, I play host and do everything else while DH cooks because he loves to cook for people.

LittleMysSister · 02/11/2021 18:54

OP I think you just need to get them out of your house and back into a hotel. Maybe you wouldn't feel so negative about them then.

It's really not a lot for them to want to see their grandchildren once a month, and if they live 3.5hrs away there is really no alternative but to stay over, but it doesn't need to be at your house.

If you say they would prefer to stay in a hotel themselves and you pushed them into staying with you, it shouldn't be hard to switch back. Just say one of your babies is sleeping poorly and you don't want them to be disturbed, you're up and down all night etc...they'll jump at the chance to get back in a hotel and your children will still get time with their grandparents at Christmas.

cherish123 · 02/11/2021 19:01

I wouldn't want it twice in December but remember you may be an in-law one day.

Artie30 · 02/11/2021 19:02

Hell no to the staying over. If they want to see your they stay elsewhere and visit for short bursts if they have to 😅

PeachyPeachTrees · 02/11/2021 19:03

You should say yes to the pre Christmas date but they need to find their own accomodation, that's the compromise.

Gilmorehill · 02/11/2021 19:18

I’ve been in the situation of both sets of parents wanting to visit just before Christmas and again at Christmas. It’s really hard hosting on top of preparing for Christmas. I understand how you feel.

Jem57 · 02/11/2021 19:21

You sound just like my daughter in law,hence me and hubby going away for Xmas,it’s not nice when you are not wanted and not welcome.
Hope your kids don’t do it you you.

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