Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

[LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

I think you need to be ok alone before you make any decisions.

You think a child should be brought into this?

So your head is too messed up for dating, but you think you could mentally handle a pregnancy and a baby/child?!

@StoneofDestiny no offense as you’re probably a nice person deep down, but this isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something to someone who is struggling with their mental health

You're not really in a fit state for pregnancy and parenthood. You need to sort yourself out first and that's not a quick fix.

@MaizeBlouse yes I think I could, tbh. I’m not interested in dating.

@CremeEggThief how does one sort themselves out? Do you have any tips?

It sounds like you really need to sort your head out before you throw a baby bomb into your life (and your ex’s life).

So have you considered how your ex would feel about this, have you been honest with him and spoken to him?

This sounds like you don't really want your ex but you feel like you have no other option so are like meh ok I'll just have a child with my ex?

Do you actually want to get back together with him? If he wants to get back together and you your just craving male attention or just want a baby then it all sounds very unfair on him.

I don't think this will solve all your problems and make you happy either. If you're not happy with how your life is then I don't think bringing a child into the world is going to fix everything.

You're still young, you realistically have at least 5 years to find peace, find someone, and start a family. Why are you doing this to yourself and your ex?

He’s an ex for a reason. You’d be mad to go down that route. Find a different therapist.

I am sorry but this is way too messy and you don't sound in a place to fall pregnant and parent. Please sort out your mental health first before brining a child into the world. If you want to get back with your ex do because it is right not just to have a baby.
Good luck OP.

If you’re in “no fit state to date” how can you be in a state to bring a child into the world? Seriously?

No you shouldn't bring a child into the world when you are still struggling so much. Pregnancy and a newborn are very unlikely to make you feel better, infact it may make you even worse.

But having a child is one of the most mentally tough things you can do. The anxiety and physical, emotional pressures during pregnancy. Giving birth and dealing with any potential after effects (physical and mental). The exhaustion of a newborn who cries and doesn't sleep and feeds all day long. Sacrificing your freedom, body, time, energy, friendships, for your baby.
I am a mentally well woman and have been with my husband for 8 years and we have a fantastic relationship. Despite this, having ours 2 DCs has been the toughest (but best) thing.

You are deluded if you think you are able to handle this, if what your wrote in your OP is true.

[quote LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]@CremeEggThief how does one sort themselves out? Do you have any tips?[/quote]
Do you work? Do you enjoy it?
You could take time to train in something you love.
What do you like to do? Start a new hobby or join a class, it's a great way of making friends and meeting new people.
Exercise, endorphins will make you feel better.

What you don't do is have a baby right now

No you should not ttc with your ex. You need to find a therapist who can help you. To bring a baby into your life when you are not in a good mental health state is unfair. It's also unfair on your ex to use him as a sperm donor.

No, it would not be a good idea to have a baby with your mental health as it currently is.

No no no no no no.

I absolutely get really wanting a baby, but this is a terrible plan.

If you're as unready for as many things as you say and seem to be, I can't see that you're in a good place for parenthood. A child isn't a bandage for you and your life. You're responsible for them.

If your ex is keen to try again and you think you made a mistake, why can't you have another go at things, just you two?

Definitely not! Pregnancy and parenting will put a huge strain on your mental health. Do it with someone supporting and loving, not someone who “obsessively questions” your sexuality or any other aspect of your life.

I don’t think, in principle, there is anything wrong with two people not in a relationship deciding to have a family and coparent. Not ‘ideal’, perhaps, but I can see how this could be healthier than some dynamics that children are brought into (and are considered normal).

With that said; good lord, no, you absolutely should not do this. Not to yourself, not to your ex, and especially not to a child.

@Darkstar4855 I don't think she means that he was the one obsessively questioning her sexuality. It sounded like she was questioning it herself.

With kindness OP, but a baby deserves the best version of yourself. You can't give from an empty bucket and you seem very emotionally vulnerable and unbalanced right now. You need to fix your own mental health issues before you consider bringing a child into the world. Otherwise it's really not fair for the baby to get here as a bandaid for your problems and lack of direction.

Sorry @LetTheJuiceSinkThrough but please do not do this.

You are mentally unstable at your own admission, having a baby in this situation. Would be a terrible idea. Not just for you but for the child too.

Pregnancy is tough physically and mentally as are the first couple of months as a new mum. You need to wait til you are more stable.

Have you discussed this plan with your therapist?