Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

[LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

You call yourself ‘broken’ in your op. How is it fair on a child to have a ‘broken’ parent?

You can’t compartmentalise as you kept running off to cry at a party.

Honestly please get yourself well first.

And I suppose that's not parenting then....

[quote LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]@StoneofDestiny no offense as you’re probably a nice person deep down, but this isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something to someone who is struggling with their mental health[/quote]
But you think having a child will help your mental health? Post natal depression, parental anxiety etc!
With all due respect, get yourself therapy not pregnant

To be fair the terrible part of the plan is not going to be the baby (I had one during a very traumatic break up) but the fact you want to co parent. That alone will be a massive head fuck if you still have feelings for him.

Typical scenarios many many friends complain about;
When he gets his new girlfriend and she sees your child.
When they go on a romantic holiday.
When you meet someone but your ex can’t babysit because he’s got plans.
Horrible.

If you couldn’t take advice from a PP because it wasn’t kind, be warned. A baby doesn’t give a fig about your mental health. They will cry and scream and want to be fed or poo whenever and whenever they want regardless of your mental health issues.

No, no and thrice times no.
Parenting is a 24/7 occupation not 9-5, Monday to Friday.
Sorry OP, it's just not the right time for you just now.

You can't compartmentalise the pregnancy and post-partum hormones, nor the sleep deprivation. Having a baby can drive the most mentally well woman absolutely to the brink- as you've pre-existing and unresolved mental-health issues you're at much greater risk of post partum depression, anxiety and perhaps even psychosis. I know women who have had major breakdowns after having kids and taken years to get back on track.

Do yourself and any future babies a favour and get yourself mentally well before going any further down this line of thought.

Please don't have a baby

I'm sorry you're going through difficult times OP. As nearly every other poster has said, having a baby now sounds like a terrible idea. I was very lucky to have a stable job, a lovely husband and having my children has pushed me to the brink of a breakdown on many many occasions. Juggling parenting and work is an impossible task, and I regularly speak to other working mothers in my job who feel like they are drowning due to the stress.of trying to be a good mum and a good employee. Throw a complex relationship dynamic and some mental health issues.into the mix and I would be extremely concerned for you and your future baby.

You cannot compartmentalise being a mum. You never switch off from it, even when DC are a bit older and more independent you never stop thinking about them.

You're only 31, there's no rush. I had my DC at 35 and 37 once I had the rest of my life in as good a place as they've ever been.

@LetTheJuiceSinkThrough
It would be grossly unfair to bring a new human being into your life as you are at the moment.
“a baby” soon becomes a child and teen and they need stability and calmness.
It won’t be fair on your ex. either.
Babies can have a negative effect on even the most stable of couples.
You need time alone to sort your head out.

It sounds like you are bored and lonely. As PPs have said it’s a terrible idea to get back with your ex and have a baby. You are literally just thinking about yourself and not about your ex or the new baby.

You need to find something to occupy your time. Maybe a new job or hobby? Or what about travelling?

If your life is a mess and you feel broken do you think it would be fair on a child to be brought into such chaos ?

OP, no. JUST NO. No to considering having a baby at the moment and no to considering using your ex in TTC.
It doesn't matter that you are financially comfortable and physically fit; your head sounds an absolute mess.
I have mental health issues, and got pregnant by my ex. I had really severe PND and, being totally on my own with my babies (yep, had twins and it didn't work out with the ex), my MH declined even further. It got so bad, I had to have help from Social Services and, at just under 2, I placed my daughters in foster care so that I could get better and know that they were safe. Fast forward to now, my girls have been home a year and I have my struggles still, but am generally more 'well'.
I say this from a kind place (although my words may be harsh): please don't be so selfish as to bring a baby into this shit-show. Wait until you're more emotionally mature and mentally stable. It's not fair on you and any potential child to not do the therapeutic work on yourself first.

You clearly don't want to get back with your ex though or you would've done by now.

He'd be mad to allow himself to be used in this way, just because you want a baby.

He deserves his own happiness with someone who wants him for who he is, not for what he might be able to give them.

Don’t do this. I’ve had two kids and been plunged into PND both times. My mental health was shattered. With your history of MH struggles, I’d say it’s fairly likely you’d suffer with PND, too. It’s horrible, lonely, shattering and exhausting. And you still have a baby to look after, regardless of how shit you feel.

IMO it would make more sense to get yourself sorted first and have a meaningful relationship with someone (whether that’s your ex or not), for a couple of years before even thinking about kids.

OP - you do need something to focus on at the moment so I can see why you would want a baby.

You've been through a lot so be kind to yourself.

A baby is wonderful but will magnify any mental health issues you currently have and potentially give some more.

I've always been a mellow person with a dh who is amazing, we've been together 20 years and still very much in love. However, have a baby was beyond hard work and brought out exhaustion, exclusion and a myriad of other feelings I had never experienced before.

Now they are older, the fuckers make me worry and fret every single day. It seems like my whole wellbeing hinges on their happiness. Ds2 wasn't invited to a sleepover last weekend with some of the popular boys and really sad about it, ds1 is ill at the moment and Dd1 failed her physics exam so I'm catching up on A level physics myself to see if I can understand it so I can support her. She is also partying and experimenting with drinking alcohol at friends houses. Its terrifying stuff.

Also, things are OK with ex at the moment but if he met someone else and things turned ugly - you'll never be able to walk away completely. You'll always have that link.

A young woman locally had appalling Post Partum psychosis that ended in the worst possible way.
Her partner and mother were supportive, but the poor mother and tiny girl are no longer here.

Babies can trigger serious mental health issues.

What happens when you decide he is not what you want again? Because he clearly isn't, whatever it is that you actually do want. Does he get relegated to EOW and alternate Christmases? Separated from his child that you used him to get?

This. Really consider the potential custody battle you two would be raining down on all of you, child included.

What you are proposing is so wrong on so many levels and it seems that most people here concur.

But from your follow up posts it sounds like you don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the slightest and you think it’s a fab idea… so why ask?

Your heart (and your biological clock) is ruling your head. No child should be brought into being with the aim of fixing the one person in their life who is supposed to be their one selfless constant.

My own circumstances weren't right to TTC when I was about 28-29 and desperately feeling that urge to have a baby with DH. Bit similar to you, I was struggling mentally, and we were living in a tiny flat hundreds of miles away from any support with DH working very long and irregular hours. I was on the pill and took it religiously and the odd time I forgot to take it or took it late we used condoms. But occasionally if my period was slightly odd or a bit late there was a small part of me that was excited at the thought that it might be an accidental pregnancy (ideal circumstances or not). That instinct to mother can be huge at your age.

A couple of years later and circumstances WERE right to actively try for a baby and I have my 2 teens now. Having been through the difficult years of raising babies and toddlers and realising that the worry and stress never stops once they reach young adulthood and beyond, I look back with horror at the idea that I could ever have been excited at the tiny possibility of an accidental pregnancy in the more difficult circumstances all those years ago.

The primal urge to get pregnant is a bitch, OP. But you owe your future child much more than "oh I just REALLY wanted a baby" if they ever were to turn round when older after having a difficult childhood and ask you why you chose to have them at that time.

Come on, OP, you're better that this.

Please don’t do this. Keep working on getting yourself better before you even contemplate ttc, whoever that may be with. You owe that to yourself and any future child.

You can't be too good at compartmentalising if you spent an entire night at a party crying. I'm sorry OP but you really don't sound overly rational in your posts.

1. no
2. see 1
3. see 2

You're also assuming that he'd just go along with this hare-brained idea. No man who is decent father material would agree to father a child with a mother who was all over the place mentally. You keep saying he's a great person somif he is so great I highly doubt that he would agree to this ill-thought out plan of yours.

And then what would you do? Accidentally on purpose seduce him telling him that contraception was sorted, or put a prick in the condom packet, or tell him you'll get rid of the used condom but then go into the bathroom and insert the sperm up yourself?

Honestly, it's madness.

Do you honestly think having a child is a good idea when you aren't emotionally stable or even in a relationship? In the nicest possible way I think you have a lot of issues to work through before you even embark on another relationship nevermind contemplate having children.

From what you've written you are certainly not in the right place at the present time to cope with pregnancy and a baby.