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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

171 replies

LetTheJuiceSinkThrough · 31/10/2021 12:48

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:

JudgementalCactus · 31/10/2021 17:38

@LetTheJuiceSinkThrough can you tell us what type of mental issues you are struggling with? Mild anxiety for example will have a wildly different impact on your parenting than, say, borderline personality disorder.

Notonthenewrug · 31/10/2021 17:42

I really do mean this in the nicest possible way, but it's a terrible idea! I think it lacks any awareness for the feelings of others. I appreciate you want a baby but you have a poor ex, he doesn't deserve to be used for a baby.

Notonthenewrug · 31/10/2021 17:44

*but you have to think of your poor ex

DroopyClematis · 31/10/2021 17:49

If your 'head is all over the place' why do you feel that a baby would be the right course of action.

You'd be using your ex , which is pitiful at best, and your mental health would probably not cope with it.

Aside from that, would your ex be on board with bringing up a child into this set up?
Is he on board to having to pay maintenance for a baby that is purely for your own needs after your relationship finished?

Please seek some support with your mental health!
Babies aren't a solution and sleeping with your ex isn't either. Does he know what you're thinking?

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2021 17:52

I want a baby

Oh good grief no.

Op babies are not an entitlement. You need to give your head a wobble. You do not need postnatal depression and hemoroids in top of your current mental anguish.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/10/2021 18:32

A miserable broken mother probably means an emotionally damaged baby and that's not what you really want is it? You need to resolve whatever underlying problems have been making you so unhappy, and then you can become a happy healthy mother who can raise a happy healthy baby.

You can "fix yourself" given time but there is no short cut. Do the usual healthy things: eat, sleep/rest, exercise. Do some physical healing things - yes, reiki may be good, some people like Tai Chi, some people like yoga. Keep doing your therapy. Don't quit therapy when the going gets difficult or painful, try to work through the tough bits with the therapist instead. Learn to heal some of the damage and learn to live with the rest as best you can.

When you you feel much more happy and stable, when your head is no longer all over the place, then you'll be well placed to become a mother. You might not be happy and peaceful all the time (who is?) but you could be feeling a lot less bad than you are now. And then you can become a mother who can give her baby the care and happiness that you want to give your baby.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/10/2021 18:35

I have a suspicion that the OP might not be getting quite so hard a time were it not for her having said she'd been questioning her sexuality.

The OP's sexuality is not the biggest worry, but it is still a big thing for any potential parent to be questioning. Babies need parents who feel sure and certain about the most important things in their lives. If she already knew her sexuality and felt sure and confident about it then she'd be in a much better place to have a baby. Whether that was gay, straight, bi or something else doesn't matter, her sexuality should be an area of stability and confidence. But she isn't sure, instead it's a huge area of instability and uncertainty in her life. And that's no good for having a baby. It's another area of fragility and so it's another reason to hold back on starting a family.

Pinkflipflop85 · 31/10/2021 18:36

I was in a very good place mentally when DH and I conceived our much longed for DS. Having him nearly broke me. I had to have psychiatric support before leaving the hospital, the crisis team had to visit daily and I had to have a lot of counselling.

Why on earth you think this is a good idea when you are not in a good place is beyond me. Babies aren't plasters. They are small human beings that are extremely demanding on your time and life. And as for compartmentalising them...well, I actually have no words!

StoneofDestiny · 31/10/2021 18:51

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake
I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place
I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new
I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home
I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping
I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful
In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex?

The 'homophobia' accusation is bizarre. The reason a baby should not be brought into the situation are expressed clearly enough by the OP herself.

Arren12 · 31/10/2021 19:10

Op pregnancy and having a baby is mentally, emotionally and physically like nothing you can describe. As a fellow MH sufferer it pushed me to limits I never thought possible and I was extremely well and stable when I had my children. Of course there are positives but it is utterly relentless and the tiredness is nothing you have ever experienced. If your MH is poor it can send you very far over the edge. Which will be terrible for all involved including the baby. single parenthood adds a further dimension to this. I was on my own with my first and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, the loneliest and the biggest tester of my MH I have ever faced. I would never recommend having a baby if you already know your unwell and not in a strong and stable relationship. I was married when I had my second and my husband is wonderful and supportive but it almost broke us even so and I can't imagine how much harder this would be if you already have relationship issues.

I have felt the want for a baby you describe so I get how hard it is but you have plenty of time to work on your MH and meet someone etc

BoredZelda · 31/10/2021 20:38

The reason I said possible homophobia is that although none has been explicitly expressed, I have a suspicion that the OP might not be getting quite so hard a time were it not for her having said she'd been questioning her sexuality.

Yeah, that’s not the case. It’s pretty clear the reason is because bringing a baby into the equation when you say you aren’t mentally in a good place is a very bad idea.

HarrisMcCoo · 31/10/2021 20:44

I would say you are probably more at risk of wrecking your mental health having a baby. My nerves are shattered by my own DC and raising them is stressful, am a shell of the person I once was. Think very carefully before you act, would be my advice.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/10/2021 20:45

Having a child would be incredibly cruel and selfish of you, if you dont see that I'm seriously concerned.

You can't pack a child away in one of the boxes in your mind, or decide its not for you and change your mind.

Your post screams unmanaged bpd to me. Please see your Dr.

IsabelHerna · 22/11/2021 10:00

Hi there, I understand you want a child, but I would suggest to be patient for the time being. You should figure somethings out first for yourself, be happy and okay alone and then bring a child to this world. Also, I wouldn't have a child with an ex. For example, I am going to have a child alone, since I don't have a partner

MumInBrussels · 22/11/2021 10:55

If you think you're going to be broken and miserable for ever, why do you think having a baby is a good idea? Do you think that baby would want a broken, miserable mum?

As others have said, even if you're perfectly mentally stable in a really solid relationship, having a baby is really fucking hard. If you're starting from a more complicated place, it would be much harder. Sometimes this all happens and everyone makes the best of it, but you'd be deliberately setting out to do this and it's not clear from your post why you think that's a good idea. Why would you choose to have a baby when you're convinced you'll be miserable for ever, and never be peaceful or happy again? Do you think your baby would flourish in that kind of environment?

BonesInTheOcean · 22/11/2021 11:14

[quote LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]@StoneofDestiny no offense as you’re probably a nice person deep down, but this isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something to someone who is struggling with their mental health[/quote]
I think You think a child should be brought into this? may have been a bit blunt and to the point, but no amount of pussyfooting around can take away the extremely valid message that a child wont help this situation at all

ittakes2 · 22/11/2021 11:39

Pregnancy/babies put a terrible tole on mental health. I think you would be better to sort yourself out first. Think of the safety message you get told on aeroplanes - but your own oxygen mask on first before you sort out your baby's.

DeepaBeesKit · 22/11/2021 11:42

It's easy to think having a baby can "fix" things.

it never does

If there's other big stuff going wrong for you, chances are adding the massive stress and upheaval of a baby into it is likely to make everything worse.

Have you talked to your ex? I think take a few months to work out your sexuality/relationship concerns and try to get yourself into a more stable place mentally before you plan a baby.

Marimaur · 22/11/2021 12:08

Pregnancy and raising a child - you should ideally be in a good place, for your own sake not just your child’s. It’s such a massive transition and so many people suffer with depression and anxiety afterwards because it’s exhausting, suffer sleep deprivation and a certain amount of loss of freedom. Not to mention feelings of isolation.
I think if you have questions about your sexuality that’s definitely worth exploring and I think you owe it to yourself to feel good and happy, even if that process takes some time.

londonrach · 22/11/2021 12:12

Please don't bring a baby into this situation. Have you spoken to your ex about this as he might have moved on and got another girlfriend. You need to look after yourself. Just be on your own and sort out your feelings. You so young at 31.

CousinKrispy · 22/11/2021 12:20

What a difficult situation for you, OP

I agree with others that having a baby is INCREDIBLY demanding and can take a huge toll on one's mental health ... I would recommend postponing it til you've found more effective treatment and support for your issues. You've still got time, focus on putting yourself first (without creating a new human being who is totally dependent on you) for a while, then think about it again when you're ready.

Do you feel your previous/current therapists have been a good fit, perhaps you would benefit more from a different type of therapy?

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