Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

171 replies

LetTheJuiceSinkThrough · 31/10/2021 12:48

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 31/10/2021 16:00

Lord have mercy. You're going to need an enormous shovel for that hole you want to dig for yourself, OP.
Don't do it. Flowers

OhPatti · 31/10/2021 16:00

Bloody hell, as much as I agree with the responses saying the OP's not in the right place in her life, the insensitivity, possible homophobia and in some places plain nastiness on parts of this thread are breathtaking. Why do some MNers think it's OK to be nasty to people who admit to mental health struggles? It's perfectly possible just to say 'I think this is a bad idea' and leave out all the judgement, ffs.

OP FWIW I too feel your life isn't the right place for this, but it sounds like maybe it's a decision you could come back to a little further down the line when you're clearer about what you want out of life and relationships. Only you know yourself and your relationship with your ex. What I would say is don't rush into anything just because of your age - at 31 you still have quite a bit of time left. Hope life gets easier for you.

2bazookas · 31/10/2021 16:04

I appreciate parenthood is hard, but I’m good at compartmentalising

 In parenting,  there is no "baby compartment" ;  it's a 24/7/365   full time  non-stop effort and responsibility  for AT LEAST  18 years.

Work, leisure time, sleep, adult relationships, everything, revolve around the child .

The potential to be a great dad means NOTHING unless he actually wants that responsibility. If he's a very nice guy and potentiaL star-dad he would care very much who carried and raised his child.

Yet you haven't even considered if Ex would want to have a child with a woman he has had a disastrously failed relationship with.

So little grasp or consideration of other peoples needs (the child, its father) suggest you are not at all ready for motherhood.

traka · 31/10/2021 16:10

Sounds like a train wreck of an idea

Think of the child

itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 16:10

If you were a small child, would you want you as a parent right now, OP? Be honest.

bubblebath62636 · 31/10/2021 16:10

You shouldn't have a baby with anyone at this point. You need to sort yourself out first.

You're only 31, look after yourself then look into it in a few years time.

You'd be mad to consider doing this.

Happyhappyday · 31/10/2021 16:12

OP, with the greatest respect, the question on your mind should be whether having a baby with your ex is a good idea but whether having a baby right now is a good idea for you with your mental health.

A baby will not make you feel better, it will simply throw hormones & sleep deprivation into the mix. I came from an extremely stable place with my mental health & was still hit very hard by PND.

Sort yourself out, take time. Then reconsider, you’re still young.

SirVixofVixHall · 31/10/2021 16:12

Terrible, terrible idea OP.

crummyusername · 31/10/2021 16:17

Some therapists are amazing. Some are worse than useless. It sounds like you might want to try another. For what it's worth, having a baby pretty much wrecked my relationship and I had PND to boot. At the very least do you have family support nearby?

MiddleParking · 31/10/2021 16:17

@OhPatti

Bloody hell, as much as I agree with the responses saying the OP's not in the right place in her life, the insensitivity, possible homophobia and in some places plain nastiness on parts of this thread are breathtaking. Why do some MNers think it's OK to be nasty to people who admit to mental health struggles? It's perfectly possible just to say 'I think this is a bad idea' and leave out all the judgement, ffs.

OP FWIW I too feel your life isn't the right place for this, but it sounds like maybe it's a decision you could come back to a little further down the line when you're clearer about what you want out of life and relationships. Only you know yourself and your relationship with your ex. What I would say is don't rush into anything just because of your age - at 31 you still have quite a bit of time left. Hope life gets easier for you.

Where has there been ‘possible homophobia’? Hmm
Closetbeanmuncher · 31/10/2021 16:20

Do you have bpd by any chance OP?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 31/10/2021 16:26

OP, I mean this very gently - you are not in the right place to have a child. You can't compartmentalise your life when you are pregnant, or coping with a young child. You just can't.

I was in my mid 20s when I had my first DC. Ridiculously financially secure, serious committed relationship, great career. What it did to my mental health is too much to go into, but let me just say I haven't been able to work since. I am a great mum, a bloody brilliant mum. But it has utterly destroyed me mentally. Because I have had to put both DC first for so long.

You have got time now to focus on yourself, learn better coping strategies, and then decide where you want to be. A baby is not a photoshoot, or an ego boost. A baby is someone you will be responsible for for the rest of your life. It's the hardest commitment you will ever sign up for. I can't remember the last day I didn't feel utterly emotionally wrung out. Yes, they make me happier than I have ever known. But because of them, my life will never be what I would like it to be.

SmallWaistFatFace · 31/10/2021 16:35

Don't be so selfish. All of your posts you're just thinking of yourself. As a mother you can't be as selfish as you sound.

Mellowyellow222 · 31/10/2021 16:48

You have had a really horrible time. You are still really suffering.

Babies are hard work, they take over your life. You owe your baby a stable family life (whatever that definition of family may be). You can’t offer them that at the moment.

You need to get counselling. Talk through your feelings, become comfortable with who you are and how you feel. Then consider the baby thing. A baby won’t fix this.

You have time. - don’t rush into this when you are still healing.

spotcheck · 31/10/2021 16:58

I'm wondering where the homophobia is too...?

Pawprintpaper · 31/10/2021 17:02

Sorry for your struggles OP, but I just want to give you a few home truths to consider.

However physically fit you are pre pregnancy, there are all sorts of physical problems that can crop up for anyone… crippling spd, non-healing c-section scars, prolapses and incontinence to name a few.

Even the most mentally well women can experience severe pnd.

Even clinically healthy babies can push you to the absolute limit, poor sleepers, colic and reflux etc. That’s before considering the potential for physical disabilities, learning difficulties and extra medical needs.

Even the most organised “compartmental” people can struggle when babies take all your best laid plans and routines and throw a massive spanner in everything, even getting dressed and feeding yourself can be a struggle some days.

Even the most committed dads can suddenly become a lot less interested when they get a new girlfriend who falls pregnant or a new job far away.

You think a baby might fulfil a need in you, but kids are inherently needy and will only take from you 90% of the time.

Being a single parent can be a very lonely time, a child does not replace adult company or relationships, which will be harder to find or find time for. You will have to consider the suitability of any potential partner as a step parent for your child.

It will be harder to work and advance at work with childcare and cover for child illnesses etc always a consideration.

I agree with PP, focus on your own health, and your ideal life partner may be just around the corner. Have patience and things may well just fall into place, don’t force something which you know is not really right. Good luck OP.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/10/2021 17:03

I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new.
But perfectly fine to have a child and be a single parent Hmm

UltimateBugKilla · 31/10/2021 17:05

OP maybe you just love people for being themselves, doesn't necessarily make you gay, but could be very confusing for you whilst your figuring yourself out, take time, you are still young, in the nicest possible way, I think you need to find your missing piece before trying to fill it with a tiny human, good luck 💐

fanjosaysi · 31/10/2021 17:09

@Thatsplentyjack

No you shouldn't bring a child into the world when you are still struggling so much. Pregnancy and a newborn are very unlikely to make you feel better, infact it may make you even worse.

Having a baby with a bloke who's not interested In getting back with you is a terrible idea. You'll crave him even more, and by then he may even be dating someone else

Although I doubt he's stupid enough to agree to this. What incentive would he have?

OhPatti · 31/10/2021 17:20

The reason I said possible homophobia is that although none has been explicitly expressed, I have a suspicion that the OP might not be getting quite so hard a time were it not for her having said she'd been questioning her sexuality.

SmallWaistFatFace · 31/10/2021 17:30

Oh Patti, this is so so stupid. She is getting a lot of stick as she is a severely mentally ill person who is going to inflict a lot of damage to a child if she goes ahead with her plan.

If it sounds like a duck, acts like a duck and looks like a duck then it's normally a duck, but nobody's quacked

itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 17:30

I don't think that has anything to do with it at all!

DismantledKing · 31/10/2021 17:34

Reiki is woo bullshit of the worst kind.
Don’t have a baby, it’s a terrible idea.

FigureofEight · 31/10/2021 17:34

@OhPatti

The reason I said possible homophobia is that although none has been explicitly expressed, I have a suspicion that the OP might not be getting quite so hard a time were it not for her having said she'd been questioning her sexuality.

The sexuality point is totally irrelevant and a red herring to the actual AIBU...
Ensure you have the facts from other posters before shouting homophobia

JudgementalCactus · 31/10/2021 17:36

@OhPatti

The reason I said possible homophobia is that although none has been explicitly expressed, I have a suspicion that the OP might not be getting quite so hard a time were it not for her having said she'd been questioning her sexuality.
I can only speak for myself, but I 100% would have said exactly the same thing if she hadn't mentioned the sexuality issue.

Absolutely no one has brought that up. So I think there is zero evidence for your assumption.

Swipe left for the next trending thread