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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

171 replies

LetTheJuiceSinkThrough · 31/10/2021 12:48

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
TrussOnABus · 31/10/2021 14:51

@godmum56

1. no
  1. see 1
  2. see 2
  1. All of the above

Bad bad idea. How unfair for the child Sad

itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 14:54

I have to agree with everyone else. It would be grossly unfair of you to bring a child into the world under the conditions you've described. You're not in a good, stable place emotionally yet, and it sounds like you'd be using your expartner to do it.

You have time. Sort yourself out first, then figure out what you want in a relationship, and go from there.

QueenofLouisiana · 31/10/2021 14:55

Please don't. I'm coming at this from two different perspectives:

  1. I had good mental health, a good relationship within a strong marriage when we had a much-wanted DS. I had a great pregnancy, a non-eventful birth and looked forward to a new chapter. Parenthood nearly broke me, various other events have happened in the last 17 years and I am far more fragile than I was, my marriage (while still fine) has needed regular working on-going discussion about how we will parent. DS is an only child as we felt that was the best option all round. He deserves a parent who is able to cope with the shit that having a child throws at them with resilience. I laugh at the ideas I had about parenthood before I started.
  2. I have worked with so many children who feel responsible for the MH of their parents- many are young carers who have to juggle being a child with significant caring responsibilities at home. The child cannot control this and takes on the role with love and dedication, but it's incredibly hard on them. Stuff happens in life which leads to people needing a carer, of course it does, but I wouldn't think it reasonable to start out from a place that you know isn't healthy.
Please work on healing yourself; work on the relationship you could rebuild with your ex, if that is what you want and develop a true sense of who you are. You obviously have a huge amount to give a child in the future, but giving so much of yourself right now would leave you with no reserves for when the times get tough- and they almost certainly will.
HestersSamplerofCarrots · 31/10/2021 14:56

How could it possibly be fair to him or the resultant child to use either of them in this way to try to fix you? You’re not ready to be a partner to him, which is what he clearly wants, and you’re not ready to be a parent if you call yourself broken.

Continue with therapy - for as long as necessary, possibly changing therapists or type of therapy if necessary - until you are in a stable and steady position to be a parent and partner.

All of what you have written is about what you want, not about what impact that would have on him or the hypothetical child.

EatYourVegetables · 31/10/2021 15:00

Babies are EXTREMELY detrimental for mental health. Hormones, the lack of sleep, the loss of coping mechanisms as you won’t have time for therapy, exercise, seeing friends, being alone. They are isolating and the first year is so difficult and so important.

If what you write about your mental state now is true should not have a baby right now (or any time soon).

Having a baby as a way of coping with a fact that you can’t manage adult relationships is like getting a pet dragon because you couldn’t cope with a goldfish.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 31/10/2021 15:05

Seems like a good idea. What could possibly go wrong? Confused

FreeBritnee · 31/10/2021 15:07

Yeah I’m not sure bringing a baby into your life right now is the best plan. They can really impact mental health for the worse so you really need to be feeling much stronger than you are. Particularly if you’re going to go it alone.

DontWantTheRivalry · 31/10/2021 15:07

I have a friend who did this - had a baby with “the sweetest man in the world” when she was in a very fragile place mentally in the belief it would make her life better.

Needless to say, it certainly hasn’t been an easy ride. Her child is 5 years old now, my friend has lots of mental health difficulties due to the pressures and isolation of parenting and the “sweetest man in the world” left when the baby was 4 months old.

She has some really difficult days and she will openly admit to us that she should never have had the baby.

Think very, very hard OP.

A previous poster described having a baby is like having a bomb dropped into your life - and if you are already suffering with mental health difficulties then you may make a huge mistake by going ahead, for both you and the child who you will bring into this.

Kuachui · 31/10/2021 15:08

Sorry but your not in any state to have a child...you spund like your losing it, you need to calm down, go to your GP or get some therapy. You need help before you have a child

Rubyupbeat · 31/10/2021 15:09

Sorry, but you would be extremely selfish using your ex, yes mumsnetters, men have feelings too, and bringing a life into your messed up one.
I understand you have mental health problems, so even more reason not to bring a baby into the situation until your life is sorted out.
I have had 2 major breakdowns and with the first one my children were small, if it wasnt for close family and my Mum moving in, (my husband worked abroad at the time) I would have ended up in hospital.
Babies are hard work, it will make your situation lots worse.

Livebythecoast · 31/10/2021 15:09

The part that jumps out to me in your post is where you say that you're destined to be miserable so shall you just ttc with your ex. It's like you're saying you'll still be miserable with a baby which isn't the best frame of mind to plan a pregnancy. Maybe you worded it poorly but it doesn't bode well if you're thinking that.
I'm truly sorry you've been through a tough time. I agree that you can compartmentalise at work, I do it too but having a baby isn't as simple as that. You can't clock off at 5 or whatever or take annual leave from a baby. I only have the one child and she's 17 now which comes with a whole different set of stresses and worries.
It's up to you what you do but I would seriously think long and hard about this especially whilst you're feeling the way you do.
I wish you all the very best.

Aliceinunderland · 31/10/2021 15:16

Honestly, I would not TTC with your ex. You ended the relationship and he wants to reconcile. Try to empathise with his position, you don't want him but you want his baby. What happens when either if you move on? It sounds like he could agree to conceive in the hope the relationship will rekindle in the future and I don't think that's fair on him. Hard to know with the snap shot you have provided but something only you will know.
In respect of your MH, again, you need to decide (perhaps with input from your therapist) if the time is right. Unfortunately even successful co-parenting has its difficulties sometimes.
If you do decide to explore the whole issue further, cafcass has a parenting plan on their website. Might be useful to consider things you might not have yet thought about.

CambsAlways · 31/10/2021 15:28

No no no , you can’t possibly bring a baby into this,!!! You just said your heads all over the place,

firstimemamma · 31/10/2021 15:29

"I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new."

Please include a baby in this 'anyone new'.

Don't do it, awful idea.

VeganCheesePlease · 31/10/2021 15:30

OP I'm so sorry for all you are going through, but to say you'll just get back with him because you're destined to be miserable is horrible. He deserves someone who loves him, not someone just with him because fuck it.

Mum1016 · 31/10/2021 15:31

I would wait until you find the right person and do not let your age become an issue. i was 31, single, depressed then i met the love of my life, got engaged and had a baby 2 years after meeting. life can change so quickly do not rush ! be kind to yourself

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/10/2021 15:32

It's a hard no from me

reallyscaredof · 31/10/2021 15:32

Why bring poor child into this absolute mess???

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 31/10/2021 15:35

No - you’re thinking about what YOU need being a parent is the ultimate thinking about what ANOTHER person needs.

Pompom2367 · 31/10/2021 15:40

If you are struggling emotionally op then I think you should hold of TTC trust me pregnancy is so hard emotionally and I think if your in a bad place then you need to sort that first

2bazookas · 31/10/2021 15:42

I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new.

Then you're in no fit state to have a baby or look after it.
ProudAlly · 31/10/2021 15:43

@StoneofDestiny

You think a child should be brought into this?
This should be the primary consideration
FigureofEight · 31/10/2021 15:44

Poor mental health + identity issues + non existent partnership

complete car crash ( mental health breakdown, huge issues for the child -read up on ACES studies- and likely single parenting)

Single parenting + MH issues is like water torture.... I am speaking from experience.

Don't do it OP.

You have the awareness to understand your situation and query it here so you must know it's not necessarily ok.

rwalker · 31/10/2021 15:56

What are his views on this ?

BoredZelda · 31/10/2021 16:00

My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new.

Doesn’t sound like a fit state to bring a child into the world either.

but this isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something to someone who is struggling with their mental health

What form of words would be acceptable?

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