Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

171 replies

LetTheJuiceSinkThrough · 31/10/2021 12:48

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
lemmein · 31/10/2021 13:43

Sounds like you've had a rough time OP Thanks

I really wouldn't do this though, a baby will likely push you to new limits you didn't know existed. I was mentally fine(ish) before I had my DC - within 3 months of my second I was suicidal. Obviously most won't experience such extremes but if you're already experiencing MH issues a baby will likely exacerbate that - plus an extra load of 'mum guilt' on top of it all.

I'm not saying people with MH issues shouldn't have babies, far from it - but we all have different MH baselines, if you're currently feeling way off your healthy base a baby is unlikely to help that.

You're still so young; no rush.

peaceatlastnot · 31/10/2021 13:48

I got pregnant when I had mental health issues, it was hard. I would advise trying to get yourself the right support before getting pregnant.

Anonymouslyposting · 31/10/2021 13:51

OP I’m sorry that you’re having a difficult time.

I had a baby last year and was in the ideal position to do so - loving, 12 year relationship with DH, both in well paid stable jobs, mentally healthy, settled house etc. Having a baby still absolutely crushed my mental health. Post natal depression and anxiety was crippling, I felt like my life was over and I could never be happy again. I am doing much better now and I adore my little girl so so much but life is unquestionably harder than it was before I had a baby.

I really can’t imagine how difficult it would be to go through pregnancy, birth and becoming a mother when your mental health is already on shaky ground. People do it and most make it work as best they can but I really don’t think it’s a good choice to make if you don’t have to. If you’re not feeling up to dating I really wouldn’t recommend taking on a responsibility so constant and heavy as a baby - you could leave a bad date if it gets overwhelming, you can’t leave a baby.

You are 31 - you’ve got plenty of time! Of course fertility is a bit of a guessing game but unless you’ve got a particular reason to believe you’ll struggle there’s no massive rush.

If you’re not already seeing a therapist then I would do so. In a year from now you could be in a totally different place mentally, it may be that when you’ve got your mental health to a better state you still think coparenting with your ex is a good idea - if so, go for it! Or you may be in a position where you feel you can date and find someone you really want a relationship and children with.

I realise these comments may seem harsh and demotivating, but they really aren’t meant that way. You may be an absolutely incredible mother even if you have a baby while you are feeling so low - people told me I was doing a great job when I was at my worst - but I worry that even if you were amazing at it you’d be miserable - I certainly was. If taking some time for yourself first can avoid that misery why wouldn’t you do it?

Original poster
LetTheJuiceSinkThrough · 31/10/2021 13:52

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to write such kind and helpful comments, especially those who have acknowledged how terrible this can feel.

In terms of my own situation, I am financially stable and with a very stable job (I was even promoted a few months ago despite all of this - no one at work knows what’s going on in my personal life). I am also in good physical fitness. It’s just this inner turmoil and despair that has taken over me mentally.

To the PP who suggested reiki - I’ll try anything. I’ll investigate this. I’ve had two different therapists - one humanist therapist, and this current one was supposed to be CBT, but we’ve spent our sessions talking about the root of these issues before even getting on the the CBT. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere though.

My ex is the kindest and most wonderful person I know, and this is why I would like to have a baby with him. I appreciate parenthood is hard, but I’m good at compartmentalising (Eg at work) and I do think I’d be a good parent. Which is why I don’t think this idea is entirely insane.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 13:53

Not sure what to advise op, but all the best

Original poster
LetTheJuiceSinkThrough · 31/10/2021 13:54

Thank you @Anonymouslyposting for your kind comment Flowers

OP posts:
JustAnotherUserinParadise · 31/10/2021 13:55

Do you love him though?

WellLarDeDar · 31/10/2021 13:57

I honestly don't think it's fair, right or responsible to purposely have a baby while you're having crisis. I hope you get the help and support you need op.

Lorw · 31/10/2021 13:58

Worst idea ever. Don’t do it.

Noavocado · 31/10/2021 13:59

I was going to offer some positive advice until you used the word compartmentalise. You cannot compartmentalise a baby.
This sounds like a self indulgent terrible idea at the moment.

Give yourself some time. You do not sound at all emotionally stable at present.

CavernousScream · 31/10/2021 13:59

It doesn’t sound like either of your therapists are appropriate. Have you spoken to your GP/someone qualified who can diagnose mental health issues? It sounds like you may need that before you choose an appropriate type of therapy.

I get how strong a desire to have a baby can be, but it can be such a destabilising time for anyone with even minor mental health issues. You need to be as well as you can and with the most supportive arrangements around you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 14:00

A baby won’t fix you. You know that. And you’d be lying to your ex. You’d be using him to give you a baby when you don’t really want to be with him. He deserves better. A baby deserves better.

Dcrolo12345 · 31/10/2021 14:02

I wouldn’t if I was you. Especially if you don’t have a partner. Yes some people cope ok but I can’t even put into words how hard pregnancy / birth and sleep deprivation was for me in the first year. I did have anxiety and depression before getting preg but had a horrendous birth developed PND and PTSD , Im a lot better now but still struggle two years on. Maybe I would of coped better if my issues were dealt with before getting pregnant. I would never change it and love my son more than anything but please don’t think it’s easy having a baby it’s soooo hard.

mistermagpie · 31/10/2021 14:03

This idea would be really unfair to your ex, not to mention potentially a disaster for the hypothetical baby and your own mental health.

You cannot compartmentalise a baby, it's not like work, a baby is your whole life. It changes every aspect of your life and even if you see these changes as positive, it can be a big adjustment. Also being in poor mental health when you get pregnant can be a big risk factor for developing pre and post natal depression, or worse.

It's just a really really bad idea for all of you.

Anonymouslyposting · 31/10/2021 14:04

@LetTheJuiceSinkThrough I found CBT completely useless. It clearly works wonders for many people (apparently it has the best track record for people reporting that their conditions improved after doing it) but I got the impression it was designed for those who are paralysed by their mental health. If you’re good at compartmentalising and doing well in your job that doesn’t sound like you’re paralysed. A good old fashioned talk therapist was better for me - more difficult to get on the nhs though as it’s more open ended and so more time consuming/expensive.

RudestLittleMadam · 31/10/2021 14:04

The fact you’re even asking if this is a good idea (it’s not) means that you really aren’t ready or in the right headspace to bring a child into the world and raise them. Not because you have mental health issues but because you haven’t found a way to successfully deal with those issues. Doesn’t mean you never will but having the pressures of pregnancy, parenting, co-parenting with someone you have previously gone through a horrible break up with on top of the issues you already have it’s going to be messy and that’s not fair on anyone especially a child.

dottiedodah · 31/10/2021 14:06

Well no one here can stop you ,but surely you broke up with your ex for a reason? To go back and have a baby with him would surely bring all these issues back again. Babies are very hard work and have no "off "switch!

MiddleParking · 31/10/2021 14:07

I appreciate parenthood is hard, but I’m good at compartmentalising (Eg at work)

That really is a complete non sequitur.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 14:09

I appreciate parenthood is hard, but I’m good at compartmentalising

This is really not a good way to approach parenting.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 31/10/2021 14:09

Good god no. I can’t think of any more unsuitable and irresponsible things for you to decide to do right now than have a child.
I think your ex needs to sort out his co-dependency too and he would also see it’s a terrible idea.

NeverChange · 31/10/2021 14:09

OP, it sounds like you are having a very difficult time of it.

Can I ask why you consider how a good time to have a baby and with your ex?

Do you not think that it would be better for you and any potential child to wait until:-

  1. You are in a more positive and stable place mentally. It will give you both the best chance of having a positive experience and the more stable you are better able you will be able to cope with the hormonal changes
  1. Your relationship is not stable. You are broken up with your ex and questioning your sexuality. Again, do you not think it would be better to wait until you have all of that clear in your head & will be better able to be sure of your decision.
  1. You have time. You are only 31 so I'm wondering why now? What is the urgency?
  1. Your Ex, is it really fair to him to propose this when you are unsure of your feelings for him and whether or not you will raise the child together?
  1. You have to prioritise yourself because if you aren't in a good place that will impact both the baby and your ex. Continue with therapy & get stronger. Only then will you be in a position to many other life altering decisions with both clarity and comfort.

Therapy is rough and the results don't come easy but they do come if you persist. Discuss these things with your therapist. Get their feedback. A year from now you could be in a much better place.

MildRose · 31/10/2021 14:13

Oh no, I think this would not be a good idea op.

Don't rush to have a baby! 31 isn't that old. Do it when you're really ready with the person you really love.

Imagine having a baby with another, partner who you adore, male or female. Does that make you happier or less happy than imagining it with your ex?

vagmons · 31/10/2021 14:15

This sounds like a very bad idea. For many reasons outlined above.

You can't possibly know you could 'compartmentalise' your mental health away from everything that is 'having and raising a baby'. Having a baby isn't like work - you can't leave the baby every evening and have down time away from it. Work doesn't pump your body full of hormones.

Also think about whether this is in the best interests of your ex? Or whether it might be preferable to let him go and have a chance at meeting someone else and - if he wants - starting a family.

You have time. Please find a more suitable therapist before you think about introducing a baby to your life.

Crinkle77 · 31/10/2021 14:15

No it would be a disaster.

MichelleScarn · 31/10/2021 14:18

I appreciate parenthood is hard, but I’m good at compartmentalising (Eg at work)

You cannot compartmentalise parenting. Unless you have tons of money and have multiple nannies.