Page 2 | Shall I just…TTC with my ex?

Suspiciousmind20 · 31/10/2021 13:13

Having a child doesn’t make people happier. It can be full of joy but also is emotionally demanding and often draining. Hormones go all over the place. I think your mental health might end up in a worse place. Also, the impact of your own mental health on your child could be damaging. I don’t know enough about you and what’s going on to be sure about this, but having worked with many families over the years id bet a lot of money on this plan leading to more misery.

I wish you the best of luck working out what you do need but I really don’t think that’s it’s a baby.

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2021 13:14

I think the OP has a romantic idea of having a baby to 'save' them, or a baby comes into your life at the hardest time, for a special reason, etc. Occasionally this is true, but most of the time it doesn't work out like that.

JollyAndBright · 31/10/2021 13:14

You sound quite fragile @LetTheJuiceSinkThrough
Pregnancy hormones, parenthood and a baby are all really stressful things, doing it all as a single parent will only add on more pressure.

I really don’t think throwing all of that into your life when you are already having a hard time is a good idea.

I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

This sentence of your op breaks my heart.
It’s definitely not impossible, are you are not broken beyond repair.

You say you’ve had a lot of therapy but it hasn’t helped, has this all been with the same therapist?
It could be that you just haven’t found the right person or style of therapy to help you.

I would definitely recommend looking at alternative options for help with your mental health.

lap90 · 31/10/2021 13:15

It would not be fair on the child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/10/2021 13:17

I agree with PP.

It sounds as though you would be doing this for the wrong reasons. Because you dont think that you could attract someone new. Because he is male. Because you are 31. Because he represents some stability for you. Because he would be up for it. Not because you love him and are in the best place financially and emotionally to have a child with him.

I am lucky enough not to suffer with any mental health issues, and I have a strong relationship, and I cried every day when I was pregnant and the first 6 months of having a (relatively average needs) baby almost broke us as a couple. I honestly wouldn't recommend it until you are in a better place. Please don't panic about your age, you have loads of years to have a baby and you owe it to your future child to try and get a bit more stable first

Penistoe · 31/10/2021 13:23

What about your ex feeling. Clearly if he is willing to get back together he is in love with you. You clearly don’t love him in the way he deserves and you want him to jeopardise a further happy family for your whim. Not to mention the poor child. You have no idea the strain lack of sleep and a crying baby has on mental health and if you are already suffering this could be disastrous. A future child deserves better.

I’m sorry to be blunt but yabvu here. You need to sort your own health first. You are not destined to be miserable that is the depression talking.

You are not the first to see the Golden Arches of Disney family life and think it will solve all your woes.

viques · 31/10/2021 13:24

@fluffiphlox

He’s an ex for a reason. You’d be mad to go down that route. Find a different therapist.

To be honest - and no offence to the OP who I appreciate is in a bad way with her MH - from what the OP has written it seems to me that she is the one who “is an ex for a reason”.

OP you need to be able to look after yourself before you look after a baby. You are 31, you have a good few fertile years left, use those years to sort yourself out, work on your career and your self esteem, build friendships and good relationships, get your body healthy and strong, learn to love yourself so that when the time comes you have plenty of love, and confidence in yourself, to give a baby who has a right not to be conceived simply to sort out your confusion about who you are.

user1471462428 · 31/10/2021 13:26

Before you have a baby make sure you have a stable home, finances, well paying job and a very stable job.
You’re still so young so have a few years to work on yourself. Get therapy and make sure your in peak physical fitness

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/10/2021 13:27

So you want to use your ex, who presumably still loves you, as nothing more than a pet stud male?

What happens when you decide he is not what you want again? Because he clearly isn't, whatever it is that you actually do want. Does he get relegated to EOW and alternate Christmases? Separated from his child that you used him to get?

What if part of you not wanting 'him', you realise once there's a baby that you don't really want any of it?

You're in no position mentally to even countenance having a child presently, much less using somebody who must still love you to do so. It's cruel, manipulative and will end up with three people entangled in an utter clusterfuck. Because a child will not fix whatever it is that is going on inside you. It'll just create two more victims and worsen it for you.

You cannot do this to yourself, to him and to a child.

MiddleParking · 31/10/2021 13:29

[quote LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]@StoneofDestiny no offense as you’re probably a nice person deep down, but this isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something to someone who is struggling with their mental health[/quote]
She had a point, though. And a baby will challenge your mental health a lot more than a slightly brusque comment on a chat forum.

Poptart4 · 31/10/2021 13:29

I think your grossly underestimating how tough having a baby can be on your mental health.

The postnatal depression that hit me after dd came out of nowhere and took me 3yrs to claw myself out of. Honestly one of the darkest times of my life . And my life was 'perfect' on paper before I had dd.

Please don't rush into this. 31 is still young. Work on getting your mental health on track.

marykitty · 31/10/2021 13:31

No, please do not do it.

JudgementalCactus · 31/10/2021 13:31

@NeverDropYourMooncup

So you want to use your ex, who presumably still loves you, as nothing more than a pet stud male?

What happens when you decide he is not what you want again? Because he clearly isn't, whatever it is that you actually do want. Does he get relegated to EOW and alternate Christmases? Separated from his child that you used him to get?

What if part of you not wanting 'him', you realise once there's a baby that you don't really want any of it?

You're in no position mentally to even countenance having a child presently, much less using somebody who must still love you to do so. It's cruel, manipulative and will end up with three people entangled in an utter clusterfuck. Because a child will not fix whatever it is that is going on inside you. It'll just create two more victims and worsen it for you.

You cannot do this to yourself, to him and to a child.

Harsh, but very good point about how this would affect other people involved.

Does the ex even want a baby?

bedbathandbeyond · 31/10/2021 13:33

@LetTheJuiceSinkThrough

We broke up last year. I still hurt so much. We broke up due to horrible complicated reasons (on my part - shattered mental health, obsessive questioning of my sexuality leading me to be obsessed with the idea that I was gay and had been living a lie. Now we’ve broken up, I’m craving sex/relationships with men again and the whole sexuality thing seems kind of irrelevant. Pretty sure I’m just bi but too scared to date again and experiment, anyway).

I feel horrific and like I’ve made a big mistake. Our life was so perfect on the surface. He would be happy to get back together. I want a baby (I’m 31). My head is all over the place and I am in no fit state to date or get to know anyone new. Plus I don’t know how. I went to a party on what would have been our 10th anniversary last week and I cried on the way there, kept on disappearing into the loo to cry, and cried on the way home. Not a great way to attract new conquests.

I’ve been having so, SO much therapy and nothing really seems to be helping. I think I’m just broken and it’s impossible for me to ever feel happy or peaceful.

In which case, as it seems like I’m destined to be miserable anyway, shall I just TTC with my ex? He’s brilliant and would be a great dad. I feel like he’s part of me anyway, and it would be nice to have that link with him. We wouldn’t necessarily have to get back together, but I think we would co-parent well.

Has anyone else done this? Thoughts appreciated. Thank you.

I think this is a question you should be asking your therapist and actually the question should be "do you think I'm mentally well enough to have a child right now?" Personally, I think you are far from ready to have a child.

spotcheck · 31/10/2021 13:34

Dear lord, no!!!

Don't use your ex - as an emotional crutch or anything else
Don't use a child as an emotional bandage
Don't lady out at pp for pointing out the blazing obvious.

Op, seriously. I'm sure you would love any child you bring into the world, but they deserve so, so much more.
Work on yourself, then decide if you are able to being a child into a stable, secure, safe environment

spotcheck · 31/10/2021 13:35

*don't LASH out, not 'lady out'. I don't know what that would even mean!!!

Lightswitch123 · 31/10/2021 13:35

Is this fair on your ex or on a baby?

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2021 13:37

[quote LetTheJuiceSinkThrough]@StoneofDestiny no offense as you’re probably a nice person deep down, but this isn’t the most helpful way to phrase something to someone who is struggling with their mental health[/quote]
I think they're absolutely spot on.

You might not want to hear it, but from what you've written here, it seems you're in no fit state to think about TTC with anyone.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get to a better place mentally and emotionally.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 31/10/2021 13:38

I did actually.

We now have three kids and been married a while.

I didn't have the battles that you have though, DH and I were always meant to be together but I was very young when we met and had some growing up to do before I settled down.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 13:38

@spotcheck

*don't LASH out, not 'lady out'. I don't know what that would even mean!!!

Neither do I, but in the context it read brilliantly!

KarmaStar · 31/10/2021 13:39

If the therapist is not helping,try something different maybe?
But please don't bring a baby into this until you feel 100% balanced and feel capable of looking after a helpless new born baby 24/7.
A baby cannot fix your problems.
Have you tried other forms of healing like reiki?

Ohpulltheotherone · 31/10/2021 13:42

The last thing you should be doing is contemplating getting pregnant - ex or no ex.

You sound suck OP, you do need to continue to do the work. If your therapist isn’t helping then look for someone else, read up on different types of therapy, look into alternatives which may benefit you more.

Once you feel content and happy in yourself the rest will slot into place I promise - maybe you’ll get back with ex, maybe you’ll date someone new (of either sex)- it’s all open and available to you once you feel ready.

From what you’ve said, you’re nowhere near.

Self help, self care, therapy or coaching, mindfulness, exercise and a lot of thought work.
Good luck

Rumplestrumpet · 31/10/2021 13:42

OP you need to value yourself more. You deserve to be happy and in a loving supportive relationship. That is not impossible, although it may feel like that now.

You have time on your hands - I didn't even start having babies until my mid thirties and had my last at 40. I was in a loving relationship with an amazing man and it was still the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Nearly broke me. The exhaustion, the worry, the stress - and this is with no mental health problems to begin with. Having a baby will not make your situation easier - it will make everything harder.

So take the time to work on yourself and think about having babies a few years down the line.

Good luck

Atla · 31/10/2021 13:43

OP I mean this very kindly, as it sounds like you have been very distressed. This situation will be ten times worse with children involved.

I know someone who is going through this exact thing and, please believe me, having children has not solved anything and it has taken away a lot of her options.

Going into it with eyes open as 'co-parenting' but separately is perhaps more honest, but dont just think of the baby - think of the child, the tween, the teenager, the young adult - it's the rest of your life you are signing up for.

TrickOrTreat21x · 31/10/2021 13:43

So your messed up but you want to bring a child into your messed up relationship?

That doesn't sound like a great idea does it op