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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
RosieLeeD · 31/10/2021 11:09

A compromise would be for your husband to go and stay one night.

My brother flew to Canada for my wedding without his family. (I was living there at the time and my husband is Canadian). I would have understood if he didn't come but it meant a lot to me to have him there.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 11:10

Is the OP going to come back to this thread?

Sceptre86 · 31/10/2021 11:12

Why so many excuses? if you don't want to go them don't but your dh should absolutely go. Why would you need to stay two nights? You could go on Saturday night, stay further afield in a Premier Inn or travel lodge. Take snacks with you from home. If your dh goes I don't understand why he would have to come home on the day? Why couldn't he stay two nights himself or leave the reception early? Outfits wise you buy the kids from next or similar and for yourself rewear something you already have or look online for a good deal. Clothes can be expensive if you are in the wedding party but then you cut back accordingly to afford it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/10/2021 11:14

Is there a family member or friend who could look after kids and take them for first day of school? Then you and DH could go on Sunday and share driving home on Monday.

If not either all drive up on Saturday and then drive home on Sunday around 5/6pm. Or DH go alone but go on train or do lift share with family member.

All these would work I think…

TatianaBis · 31/10/2021 11:14

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I’ve already said her husband should go.

If you want as many as possible to make your wedding you need to get married at a time and place that enables maximum access. That’s what we did.

If you plan it for a Sunday the day before school at a location 4 hours from your sibling’s home then there’s a chance they may not make it.

Maireas · 31/10/2021 11:21

I think you're right, @TatianaBis - it's a long drive for a family, and sounds very inconvenient. I know people say that you don't need to get new outfits, or buy them on eBay etc, but it's nice to look good at a wedding (I know people can look great on a low budget, but you tend to spend more for an event)
Ultimately, OP, if it's too much bother, don't go. I hope the sibling is ok about it.

DivorceAdvicePlease123 · 31/10/2021 11:21

You're getting a really shit time here OP. I wouldn't be travelling 4 hours for a fucking party and if I was getting married I wouldn't be expecting anyone else to go to such lengths either. Why do people have to be such a pain in the arse when it comes to weddings!

FatBettyintheCoop · 31/10/2021 11:22

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow
A marriage is the joining together of two families as much as two people.

It really isn’t. It’s only ever about the two people involved in the marriage.

My brother and his wife didn’t attend our wedding and we’re still as close as ever, because I don’t attach any importance to these sorts of events. It’s a shame that you’d be willing to fallout with a family member over something so inconsequential as a party.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 11:29

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow
A marriage is the joining together of two families as much as two people.

It really isn’t. It’s only ever about the two people involved in the marriage

It really is for some couples @FatBettyintheCoop. If you are the sort of person who thinks family is important then you do feel some kind of obligation to go. Having said that I do think the the first day at a new school trumps a wedding.

Platax · 31/10/2021 11:36

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Platax smart outfits for DC that are constantly growing might not get worn again if you don’t go to many smart occasions[/quote]
Then they could hire or opt for Ebay or charity shops.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/10/2021 11:50

As a one income family, is it worth looking at getting a second income to cover costs like this?

This.

Your single income is enough to raise a family and a buy a house but not enough to afford to attend an in laws wedding? hmm

I agree that OP and DH have other (and cheaper) options they can explore to make this work; but this is a really nasty, low blow.

Do you really, truly, genuinely believe that, instead of organising their employment/home/family life balance and budgeting around what works best for their own family, they should live day in, day out, in a way that really isn't ideal for them - just to vicariously prioritise being able to afford the odd occasions when somebody invites them to a wedding in a place that's far away from them?

It's rather ironic that, on a forum that's mostly populated by women (many of them mothers), we frequently see so much sneering at and patronising of SAHMs - apparently, feminism means that women should have choices in their lives, as to what suits them and their families, as long as they don't end up wanting to choose what is seen as the 'traditional' option. Never mind the fact that not everybody can find a way to work and afford childcare, even if that is their preference.

It's MN at its basest, where everybody has plenty of spare money at their disposal, accessible instantly - the only reason that you wouldn't is because you simply can't be bothered to.

We don't know how well any of them travel wrt travel sickness or any other medical conditions. We also don't know how comfortable, new or reliable their vehicle is. It's really not on to suggest that 'any normal adult' should be able to easily travel for up to eight hours in one day (and that's assuming the stated time includes necessary rest, meal and wee stops). We've just returned from a week away, with a drive of about 4 hours each way - with 6 days of no or minimal travelling and a relaxed atmosphere in between - and we are exhausted; and we only have one (older) child and are only mid-40s. Different people experience different circumstances in different ways.

Also, we don't know what school years the children are in, but I never understand the dismissive attitude to the first day or two of the year. This is a very important time of familiarising yourself with the new surroundings, teachers, children, friendships, circumstances etc. and I find it mean to treat it as unimportant, as though children's life experiences don't matter, just because they're kids.

I wonder how many adults would like to start a new job where everybody else there all began together a day or two before them and found their feet and got to know each other, forming early friendships and alliances - and then they come along as the new person, and have to slot in and find their place when all the rest are already established?

FreakinFrankNFurter · 31/10/2021 11:59

There must be cheaper accommodation available for a couple of nights, poss a premier inn/travel lodge/airbnb

Also look on ebay or FB market place for outfits for the kids, there's bound to be kids suits/dresses/shoes on there

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 12:04

Excellent post @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 12:27

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn apologies I thought you hadn't spotted the wedding was on a Sunday

coconutpie · 31/10/2021 12:37

If your DH's sibling really wanted you all there, then they would have arranged the wedding when your DC could have easily attended. Not during the first week of school. It's not good to miss the first few days of the school year, especially starting a new school. Your DH can go alone, if he can, but you and the DC should decline. You can't afford it anyway. It doesn't matter if it's your DH's sibling, if you can't afford it, well you can't - it's not like you can magic an extra £1k out of thin air. It's just a wedding, it's not a summons.

Decline and give a nice gift.

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 12:42

The wedding is on a Sunday in the UK. It's 4 hrs away not across the Sahara desert. It's perfectly possible for them to attend and for the DCs to attend their first day at school ( if indeed it's not an inset day).

iflywiththestars · 31/10/2021 15:57

I thought on MN the saying was "an invitation is not a summons", I do agree though that if it is a sibling it is sad to miss their wedding unless there's some backstory that we are not aware of

julieca · 31/10/2021 15:59

@iflywiththestars I know that is the MN saying. In real life you do have to go to some things for people you are very close to. I mean I didn't want to go to my nieces 5 year old birthday party, but it would have been mean not to.

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 16:33

@sleepysnoozy

What are your thoughts now so many people have made so many suggestions to overcome what you seemed to think were barriers?

How old are your dc ?
Have you recently moved into he area? (I nferred from your OP that more than one child was starting a new school).

saraclara · 31/10/2021 17:06

I'm sure I'm repeating people. But of course you need to go to his sibling's wedding. I can't imagine not doing. And I can't imagine not having my nephews/nieces at my wedding because my sibling was saving for a house.

You don't all need new clothes, and one night in s budget hotel, booked well in advance, is likely to be less than £100 in total for two rooms for one night. Even if you stayed the Saturday as well as the Sunday, it would still not be anywhere near your £600.

To those saying just your DH should go, well that's not going to save that much money. Assuming you don't buy new clothes, it saves on one room. For the sibling not to have their SIL and nephews/nieces there to save the cost of one room in a Premier inn is pretty devastating. They are going to know very clearly how unimportant they are to you and their sibling. Awful.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 17:10

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll is highly unlikely that the school year will start on a Monday.
I was a teacher for forty years and have never known it happen. They start midweek for a reason. It helps to get the year off to a gentle start, and enables the teachers to have pre-term training and get their classrooms ready.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/10/2021 17:14

I would suggest your DH go on his own, and take the train as far as possible, wrap-round taxi at the end, and come back the same day if he can. He doesn't have to stay for the whole reception, does he?

poolblue · 31/10/2021 17:28

[quote saraclara]@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll is highly unlikely that the school year will start on a Monday.
I was a teacher for forty years and have never known it happen. They start midweek for a reason. It helps to get the year off to a gentle start, and enables the teachers to have pre-term training and get their classrooms ready.[/quote]
Round here term starts on Monday 5 Sept. inset days are Thursday 1 and Friday 2 sept.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 17:40

@FangsForTheMemory

I would suggest your DH go on his own, and take the train as far as possible, wrap-round taxi at the end, and come back the same day if he can. He doesn't have to stay for the whole reception, does he?
It's his sibling. Yes he does.

Unless the family is absolutely horrendous and dysfunctional, it's quite astonishing that a sibling wouldn't be 100% present and an enthusiastic guest at their sibling's wedding, especially when given 10 months notice.

I also can't imagine their partner and children not attending.

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 17:50

@saraclara there's etiquette and then there's being ridiculous. If anyone would think less of the grooms DB for leaving the reception early so his DCs didn't miss their first day at their new school, then that's on them really.

I would however think a lot less of a DB who didn't attend a wedding because he couldn't drink at it, which may be the main factor in play here for the decisions ( if OP ever comes back to the thread).