Stressed over siblings wedding

[sleepysnoozy]

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

The wedding party usually get a discount on rooms at the venue so check this. Unless you are getting a room each, I doubt it would cost this much.
You could drive there on the day and stay just one night. Or find a premier Inn for for saturday might that is maybe close to the venue and just stay at the venue the actual night. There are ways around this, but you sound as if you don't really want to go, in which case just be honest with DH now so you can be united.
Me and my DH got married in Scotland 6 hour drive on a Sunday. Only 2 people didn't go, our friends didn't bring their children (their choice) bit others did. People moaned as it was the week beginning Christmas but my DH said if people can't come we would understand.

@JonSnowIsALoser

Looking at the comments I'm wondering what's happened to the healthy usual Mumsnetty "It's an invitation, not a summons, just say no" attitude.

It's not always healthy. Sometimes it's OK to put yourself first, sometimes it's OK to put yourself out a bit for the sake of someone else.

In this case there ARE solutions that the OP could avail herself of, for a close relative.

And I think that most parents would agree that they wouldn't be happy at the idea of their children not being close enough to put themselves out for a sibling's wedding.

Looking at the comments I'm wondering what's happened to the healthy usual Mumsnetty "It's an invitation, not a summons, just say no" attitude.

That makes sense when it is for people's weddings that you aren't that bothered about, but this is the brother or sister of the OP's dh.
That makes a huge difference.
With the exception of no contact siblings / some terrible abusive relationship, I think nearly everyone would do whatever they could to get to their sibling's wedding in a normally functioning family.
The point about this thread, is it isn't even unrealistic or difficult.

Your husband goes alone. No way should kids miss the first day of school.

@GirlWithAGuitar

Unless it is midst exams, school will agree exceptional leave for the Monday off

Our school wouldn’t.

All the schools in our area do. It's first day of term so no chance to build up low attendance rate yet. OP can at least ask her school

If OPs family are close to his brother, and if they don't have an absolutely huge family that they are always asking for days off school to attend weddings, then it really is a special family event. BIL hasn't made it easy picking a Sunday wedding at quite a distance away - potentially OP snd her family could choose to leave Sunday evening & just attend the main part of wedding but not evening reception. DCs can sleep in car on way home as an alternative option.

Sorry I think you are mad thinking the children will miss a few days of school for a wedding 4hrs away. If you don't want to spend the money just send your hubby and use the kids missing the school as an excuse.

Your husband needs to go, the rest of you don't, HTH.

@Paddingtonsmarmlade

There is no other accommodation that you can stay in for 2 nights that doesn't cost £600? Not a travel lodge or premier inn within an hour drive? You don't have to stay at the wedding site. I don't think I'd turn down a siblings wedding invite unless there were more serious consideration like a child with additional needs that wouldn't cope with the wedding. At the very least you dh needs to go and cope with the 4 hour drive back after a late night.

This ^^

You should go.

Why are people hung up on unauthorised absence? It’s a complete irrelevance whether she has the school’s permission or not.

However as seems likely it is the first day of term for a child at a new school then it’s understandable not to want to miss it.
So just leave after the first dance and they won’t.

I really don’t understand people who couldn’t possibly drive for a few hours each day over a weekend. Unless you have a medical condition it’s perfectly normal to do so.

Yabvu. You don’t need to stay for 2 nights at all. Assuming the wedding is around 1pm get up early and drive there that day or forgo the booze and drive back that night and the kids will sleep in the car. Stay in a premier inn a bit further away. If it’s on a Sunday why would the kids need to miss ‘a few days’ of school? Drive back early monday morning and send them at lunchtime or the night of the wedding. Stop making excuses. I’m sure you’d go if it were your own sibling/close friend.

I don't get the drama. Stay the night before, leave the party late but not super late to stay at a hotel half way to school. Have uniforms and drop at school on time, go home/to work.

And if you don't have stretch in your budget for occasional expenses like this, you probably need to work.

AirBnB, kids will miss one day. Outfits, if a real worry, go for the reception not the more formal part, and wear less formal clothing you already have.

Sounds like there’s other reasons not to go to me.

For all the people laying into the bride and groom’s choice of location, how are you supposed to find a venue that suits everyone if you live in a separate city from your families that doesn’t make you a selfish shit who only cares about yourself?

I got married in my home city (A) as I wanted to marry in my childhood church. Half my family live there, half in city B (where I also lived) - about an hours drive. Most friends in city B. My husband had close family friends in A but mostly live in C (about a 3 hour drive from A and 4 from B). Should I have selected a new venue that was two hours away for everyone and had no meaning so that everybody had to travel and pay for a hotel and I wasn’t picking sides? Should I have had it in C so my husbands brother wouldn’t have to drive but everyone else would? Throw in the problem that many wedding venues are incredibly busy at the minute with rearrangements which means that a Sunday might be all they could get. Of course this is mumsnet so the bride must be at fault regardless and the only reason anybody gets married is to torment their nearest and dearest.

If it’s the first day of school as others have said you must have almost a year to plan this - there must be a cheap hotel within an hour of the venue (Airbnb? Campsite?). If all of the grooms family are local to you can you lift share or go in on accommodation? There’s a absolutely no need for a new outfit - even if you don’t have anything you’ve got a long time to borrow something or charity shop trawl! I’m sure your brother in law would much rather have his brother there than a gift (get the kids to make a card).

@PaxRomana I agree. Like lots of families we all live in different cities as far apart as 5 hours drive. A wedding anywhere requires some of us to drive a fair way.

@PaxRomana

The wedding is next year! So plenty of time to get their day of choice. Plus if you’ve got people coming from 4 hours away, then do it on a say that means they can get back to work/school in time on Monday.

This is not rocket science.

WTAF?! You think they should change their entire lives and the way they have decided to bring up their children because of one wedding?!

@Mmarmite who is that addressed to? Seems fairly extreme.

OP, unless there has been a huge falling out in your husband's family and he doesn't actually speak to his sibling, I can't believe he would consider not going to the wedding. I couldn't forgive a sibling that didn't attend my wedding for a list of reasons that can all be overcome with relative ease.

Sorry, it’s the comment that said poster should consider getting another income for this kind of situations.

Fair enough, that would actually change their lives. I thought you were referring to suggestions of missing a day of school and had serious principles on school attendance records

@Mmarmite

WTAF?! You think they should change their entire lives and the way they have decided to bring up their children because of one wedding?!

Errr no, I didn't say that. But if OP's family are not able to absorb a cost that they know about a year in advance, they're probably not in a strong place for a sudden unexpected cost (like a boiler, car, sickness). Likewise if they're the sort of family who have the standards that going to a wedding means your MUST spend hundreds on new outfits each, maybe choosing to have a lower family income through only one person working isn't for them.

Flowers500

I wouldn’t mind spending money on a boiler or car. I don’t expect to have to spend lots of money to attend someone’s wedding. Weddings just aren’t a priority for me, regardless of whose they are. There’s a difference between not being able to afford it and it just not being a priority when you have other things to buy or save for.
We didn’t go to a family wedding abroad, not because we couldn’t afford it, but because we’d rather spend that money on something else.

There is "stretching" a budget and there is spunking ££££ on someone elses vanity project. I will stretch a tight budget to get, for example a better quality boiler or car that will last longer and be more reliable.

If getting married is what mattered, with all of their friends and family with them then they would make it as easy as possible for those people to attend.

That they have booked an expensive venue on an inconvenient day (forget school.....what about the day off work most guests will have to take?) 4 hours away from where most of these people, and they themselves, live suggests that this is nothing more than a "Look at me!!! I am a Princess For A Day!!" photoshoot with added fucking sprinkles.

Never mind stretching the budget, there would be no budget at all for that narcisstic shite.

YABU I’m afraid. If it was a friend then you don’t have to go but you have to make extra effort for family. Missing a day of school won’t break anybody. That is not a reasonable excuse if they aren’t in GCSE year. I also don’t believe you on £600 and think you’re looking for reasons not to go which is shitty behaviour to be honest. You could hire a campervan for less than that for a couple of nights and sleep in that. There must be a travelogue with £50 a night family room available. You have enough notice. If the wedding is before 12 noon you book hotel and stay night before. You then don’t drink and leave to drive home at 9pm on the wedding day. If wedding is after 12 noon, you have an early night, have car packed, get up at 6am and leave at 7am sharing the driving and give kids iPads for the drive and have plenty of car snacks. No new outfits need to be purchased. You wear what you have already or start searching ebay/charity shops for wedding appropriate bargains. You should be able to do the whole thing for £100. £50 petrol. £50 one night hotel. You ask parents on both sides for hotel vouchers for Xmas/birthday presents this year. You ask for Next/Amazon vouchers so you can buy wedding clothes with no cost.

Do you need any other ideas on how to make this cost free because I’ve got a tonne?

DH goes on his own, takes a day's leave, books a second night in an air bnb at cheaper cost and drives down well-rested the next day. Invite the happy couple over for a celebration meal when they're back from their honeymoon.