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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 31/10/2021 10:02

Also, you do NOT need to buy new outfits, where does this stupid idea come from - just wear something you own already instead of buying something expensive and new to wear once, the day isn't about you.

Kids might need new outfits as they grow fast but for boys school trousers and school shirt (cheap from Asda etc...) works fine maybe with a clip on tie which is £2.99 on ebay normal and girls just a pretty dress (I got my baby a formal dress for £2 on Ebay for a family event last week) - but we already established you might not take the kids anyway so that doesn't matter.

Hathertonhariden · 31/10/2021 10:05

I assume that the B&G have booked a castle type wedding hotel where you are reliant on your guests staying there to make it affordable for the B&G. So there will be huge pressure to stay there as family rather than find an affordable location. This might also mean that you are expected to spend 2 nights there.

I had this with a wedding and was given an unwanted upgrade in room because so many people voted with their feet. The increase in cost meant that we couldn't afford anything on their gift list and had to buy a very token gift.

As it's a sibling I would try and stay just on the Saturday night somewhere cheap - but get in fast as everyone else will be after the same thing. Leave 5-ish on the Sunday. You won't be the only ones doing this by any stretch of the imagination.

If you can't get out of staying at the venue, dh goes but travels with other family members to share the driving.

Benjispruce5 · 31/10/2021 10:05

Definitely DH should go.

JellyfishandShells · 31/10/2021 10:12

Not insurmountable

Go, leave early evening ( or after ceremony and meal, speeches etc ) , only takes one person to drive so flip for the designated driver - the other one has done the drive there the day before or the morning if the Saturday hotel is still a budget problem.

Your DH gets to go his sibling’s wedding and children don’t miss the first day of school.

We did the same for a wedding a few years ago.

Switch82 · 31/10/2021 10:17

OP hasn’t come back cos it might not be what she wanted to hear? Hope she does come back and sees how it can work as would be a shame for them as a family to miss the wedding especially her DH!

Switch82 · 31/10/2021 10:19

PS I would be shocked if the first day back at school wasn’t an inset day - v common

lateforschool · 31/10/2021 10:25

Go without the kids if you can palm them off on relatives or school friends
Not going could cause rift
Four hours there abs back is very doable. I’m a single parent and never share drives. I did eight hours yesterday with three kids. It was fine.

AdelindSchade · 31/10/2021 10:28

I would be going and I would be sucking it up if it was me. I would take the kids too. Surely there must be a cheaper accommodation option.

SpeakingFranglais · 31/10/2021 10:33

DH should go alone, drive down super early on the day of the wedding, attend the wedding and reception, don't drink, stay the night in the nearest cheapest hotel and set off early the next day home.

Zeldaaa · 31/10/2021 10:34

Seems like you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

You’ve time to save. Have you looked at other accommodation options, like an air bnb? Maybe you could share that with other family members.

Missing a day of school is hardly the end of the world but if you had to you could cut your stay to 1 night by either you leaving wedding at 8pm ( so stay for wedding, meal and first dance) and still be home for midnight or just driving up on the wedding day itself. Not ideal but if money is that tight.

PjsOn · 31/10/2021 10:35

Thing is if you wanted to go or your husband did you'd make it happen. I've declined invites hours away but accepted others, it all depends on how much you value the relationship or rather your husband does. I'd suggest your husband lift sharing with other people and sharing the drive. 4 hours drive there and back isn't that much as a one off, 2 people sharing it's nothing really. Tell him to go on his own, saves money and avoids missing school.

PjsOn · 31/10/2021 10:39

We did a wedding 5 hours away in the summer, drove down the day before, stayed overnight, attended the wedding and left once the meal and first dance was done. Drove home and got back after midnight (this is with small children too). We really wanted to go so made it happen.

Feedingthebirds1 · 31/10/2021 10:39

A thread in the last few days where an OP was expecting her DH to drive four hours at Christmas to visit family when he didn't want to (and then four hours back a few days later). Masses of posts saying a four hour drive is taxing, the OP didn't drive so how could she say it would be an easy drive?

Now fours hours there and four hours back in one day (or two) is nothing? Yes it does sound like the OP is lukewarm about attending, but I'm amazed at the different responses to the drive.

FatBettyintheCoop · 31/10/2021 10:40

Any excuse not to attend always works for me as I dislike fussy weddings and find the whole shebang pointless and excruciating. On the whole, Weddings are only fun for the couple and their parents.

Luckily we live abroad from most of the family, so it’s really easy to find an excuse.

Send DH, let him stay in a premier inn for 2 nights, job done.

RobinPenguins · 31/10/2021 10:41

I think you have to make the effort for a sibling. As someone else said, think about it as a logistical exercise to manage, not a fun event. I wouldn’t want my children missing the first day of school either so I’d leave the reception early enough to drive home, even if they sleep in the car and have a later night than usual, it’s fine for a one off.

Fallagain · 31/10/2021 10:44

How old are the kids? Unless they are in Yr9 or Yr10 I think the school thing is no a big issue. I’m a teacher so I do value education.

You need to think carefully about the money.

Can’t you find a different situation. Is the wedding near different relatives and can you stay over? Is there a cheaper hotel or air b and b near by? Stay over the night before and one person doesn’t drink and you drive back on the evening.

toomuchlaundry · 31/10/2021 10:47

Missing the first day of a new year at school is never ideal.

Does the accommodation come as part of the wedding package, so B&G will want you to stay at the wedding hotel?

For those saying just save up for it £600 plus can be a lot of money for many families, for what is essentially a fancy party.

I would see if DH can go on his own or if you can get cheaper accommodation for the Saturday night and then possibly leave as early as you can on the Sunday evening.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 10:47

I'd send your DH alone; he'll manage

Or

Drive up for day of wedding, enjoy wedding, sleep in a travelodge family room, get up early and drive home next morning. If they want you at the wedding, that will be enough and should be completely understandable, seeing as they've booked a wedding when your kids should be in school.

LindaEllen · 31/10/2021 10:47

I'm thinking you don't want to go, if you're making these excuses. There's no reason to spend £600 on accommodation, probably don't actually need new outfits, and the kids won't miss more than one day of school.

Platax · 31/10/2021 10:48

Can your husband travel by train?

If you haven't already got outfits smart enough for a wedding, think of buying them as an investment - it's highly unlikely that that will be the only time you will wear them. Or you could hire.

Lavanderrose · 31/10/2021 11:00

Sorry but I think you should just go to the wedding as a family, since it is a special event. Stay 1 night instead of 2 and drive back home on the Monday morning.

Hoppinggreen · 31/10/2021 11:02

I agree the DC can’t miss school, especially on their first day at a new school and booking a venue 4 hours away on a Sunday means they would be unreasonable to get arsey about it.
However, DH needs to go as a minimum

TatianaBis · 31/10/2021 11:02

The point is the OP doesn’t want to go and that’s fine. It’s just a wedding. They’re a bit of a waste of everyone’s time other than for the bridge and groom.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 31/10/2021 11:06

@TatianaBis

The point is the OP doesn’t want to go and that’s fine. It’s just a wedding. They’re a bit of a waste of everyone’s time other than for the bridge and groom.
No it is not fine. In the real world not going to your brother or sister's wedding because you don't want to is pretty unforgivable. I would have devastated not to have my family at my wedding. A marriage is the joining together of two families as much as two people.
toomuchlaundry · 31/10/2021 11:07

@Platax smart outfits for DC that are constantly growing might not get worn again if you don’t go to many smart occasions