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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 01/11/2021 15:28

I don't think I've ever paid 600 quid for 2 nights stay anywhere in my life. You can easily find a cheap Airbnb. We did two nights in an Airbnb in London (2br) for 90 a night when we needed to go to an early morning appointment. As it's presumably end of August/early September, you could also camp, which would be really cheap.

For close family, assuming there is no backstory, you should be there. If the kids need to be in school the next day, then one of you doesn't drink and drives back that evening. The other (presumably your dh) can stay on and celebrate with family.

Scotland32 · 01/11/2021 17:25

I’m afraid this feels to me like you are looking for excuses. 4 hours isn’t that far, 2 nights wouldn’t be required. You could borrow an outfit or wear something you already have and surely find cheaper hotel or hire a camper. It’s one day of school. Hardly harming to your child’s CV or development. All these things can be made to work if you want to go. It’s a sibling, and once in a lifetime day. I think you just need to make an effort.

AuntMargo · 01/11/2021 17:50

Of course you need to go, its his sibling. This could totally ruin there relationship, who'd you be saying the same is it was your sibling?

chlorineirene · 01/11/2021 17:54

Yabu

If you're in the UK, you have 12 months to save, plan and book a cheap premier inn or travelodge

Go and enjoy it.

If it's a sunday then the kids miss one day. Surely that's ok as a one off for an aunt/uncle's wedding

Lighten up

Spoonio · 01/11/2021 17:57

You don't need whole new outfits, and surely the kids would only miss the Monday at school?

You don't need to stay 2 nights, can't you just drive up in the morning, stay in a travelodge family room, then drive home the next day?

CheltenhamLady · 01/11/2021 18:01

It is a sibling, you should definitely go.

Source cheaper accommodation, can you share an apartment with other relatives, Air BNB, Travel Lodge.

Children will miss one day of school which won't be an issue.

Honestly, you need to try to find a way to be there.

jwpetal · 01/11/2021 18:02

I wouldn't turn down the invite. This is your husband's family. Would you want to miss your sisters? or brothers? My sister missed my wedding. She regretted it later. Her reasons were the same. I understood but was sad. Years later that £600 will be nothing for the love and support of family. You don't need new outfits. You can also explain that you can't afford a present. This is all a red herring. At the very least your husband and if children are older than them. But I would say, go and have fun.

toomuchlaundry · 01/11/2021 18:05

The venue could be one of these in the middle of nowhere places, where the couple have a wedding package for exclusive use and they expect family to pay for the accommodation, otherwise the couple have to pay more money.

What are the thoughts of that, from the posters who say the whole family have to go come what may?

Missing the first day of term in a new class can be a pain as you miss all the introductions and explanations of how that class works. Might also miss out on sitting next to your friends (can be a big thing for children)

Jewel52 · 01/11/2021 18:08

Just go, investigate cheaper ways, reduce the time away, buy charity shop outfits if absolutely necessary but go. Not going will cause a rift that will never be forgotten. And, even if your DH agrees to the non attendance, his family will still blame you. You don’t want that responsibility hanging over you.

wentworthinmate · 01/11/2021 18:16

I wouldn't want the kids to miss school and not get in the friendship groups on the first day. They will feel
left out when they return.

Spoonio · 01/11/2021 18:18

In which case DH should go on his own.

thecatsthecats · 01/11/2021 18:27

Drive up on the Saturday, two hour stints each with a big break in the middle.

Same on the way back on Sunday, leaving after dinner with kids changed into PJs/trackies on the way back, swap drivers half way.

Really enjoyable? Nope. I wouldn't be looking forward to it. But I wouldn't miss my sibling's wedding for the sake of one non-ideal weekend.

(By the way, have you considered camping? Often easier in remote locations than finding another hotel.)

toolazytothinkofausername · 01/11/2021 18:28

Travel by car Sunday morning. Leave at 8am, arrive at 12 noon.

Check into hotel. Get ready for wedding. Attend wedding.

Drive back Monday.

Children will miss 1 day of school. It'll be fine.

Yamayo · 01/11/2021 18:36

If you were my sibling and didn't want to attend my wedding for those reasons I would be so upset. DH can easily drive there in the morning of the wedding and take one day off to drive back the following day if it is too much for all of you to go.

Loubelou14 · 01/11/2021 18:37

I don't agree you have to go. My sibling had a destination wedding the year before my own and I was honest and explained we couldn't afford it. There was no rift or bad feelings because we were upfront from the outset. If they choose this type of wedding then not everyone will be able to make it. That's their decision.

007Stocko · 01/11/2021 18:40

It's a pain being 4 hours away but with a break in driving for the actual wedding, and a break or 2 in the drive for a coffee and leg stretch then it's doable all in the same day. You just make it known that as the kids have 1st day of the new school on the Monday you need to leave at a particular time. Or even attend the wedding and apologies well in advance for not staying for the reception afterwards, dependant on timings.

As others have said, surely their are cheaper hotel options - how many kids do you have, as in how many rooms do you need?

Whereismumhiding3 · 01/11/2021 18:43

You have a whole year to plan this . It's your DH's brothers wedding
Unless it is midst exams, school will agree exceptional leave for the Monday off

A four hour drive is doable if you set off early when DCs are asleep - I drive that to go on holiday with my DCs, setting off at 5am. you don't actually have to stay two nights, that immediately cuts down your hotel costs and it is possible to get a cheaper travel lodge/ b&b or air b&b nearby or on the way, for the night before if you feel you have to stay night before the wedding. Both nights don't have to be in the expensive wedding hotel.

Hugoslavia · 01/11/2021 18:45

I don't understand why you all have to go for two nights, yet if your husband goes alone, he would just stay for one night. Can you not find a cheaper accomodation option? Is the Monday not an inset day? Have you double checked? At the very least your husband needs to go. If it means that your kids will miss their first day at school, then I wouldn't want them to. I have no idea why they would need to miss a few days though. I think that you're making this harder than it needs be. I don't think that you can use buying a house as an excuse.

Whereismumhiding3 · 01/11/2021 18:47

I have family all over country , most of whom were 3.5 hours drive away and many with DCs. Only a few stayed over night before as well as night of wedding, most set off early that morning to drive to our 2pm wedding (on a Saturday)
A Sunday drive should be far easier as generally less a traffic

JonSnowIsALoser · 01/11/2021 18:48

I wouldn't go because of the kids and school (and cost) - but I'd send husband to represent the family.

Weddings are overrated anyway, and if the couple book it at a time and place that's inconvenient to guests, they should not be surprised if some people can't attend, even if they are family.

JonSnowIsALoser · 01/11/2021 18:51

Looking at the comments I'm wondering what's happened to the healthy usual Mumsnetty "It's an invitation, not a summons, just say no" attitude.

AlfonsoTheUnrepetant · 01/11/2021 19:10

To be fair, it could been close to the bridal couple live, or near the bride's or groom's family. We don't know that detail.

You're in the wrong forum for being sensible, @LavenderAskew. This is JudgeNet.com. I am sure that the couple getting married chose that venue only because it is four hours away from the groom's family. No other reason is possible.

GirlWithAGuitar · 01/11/2021 19:15

Unless it is midst exams, school will agree exceptional leave for the Monday off

Our school wouldn’t.

Frazzledstar1 · 01/11/2021 19:16

Lots of options to make this doable.

Find a premier inn/travelodge type place nearby so we could all go, sure missing one day of school isn’t the end of the world for dcs.

If that’s not an option I’d see my parents could babysit and just adults go. If that’s a no id send DH alone. He can manage the drive back the following day.

As for outfits, you could always borrow from friends etc

Smashingspinster · 01/11/2021 19:19

I would vote for DH to go by himself and explain about the kids schools.