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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 31/10/2021 18:31

DS's school year also starts on Monday 5th September next year, so not unheard of.

What happens if the whole family can't afford to attend a wedding @saraclara, would you expect them to go into debt so they could all attend?

Cosyblankets · 31/10/2021 18:52

Don't think op coming back. Might have gone shopping for an outfit

onceandneveragain · 31/10/2021 19:19

I agree you can't really miss it if it's a sibling.
I would either leave early on the Sunday or as others say get a travelodge somewhere along the way rather than paying £600.

Think you are looking for reasons to not go - you use the 'missing school one' twice and how would it be 'a few days?' It would be Monday at the most. If you left early they could even go to school Monday afternoon. Outfits - girls can wear a nice summer dress, boys school trousers and shirt, then just get a waistcoat or something off ebay. And other weddings costs,' - what would those be? Surely you'd buy a present even if you didn't go?

saraclara · 31/10/2021 19:22

[quote rookiemere]@saraclara there's etiquette and then there's being ridiculous. If anyone would think less of the grooms DB for leaving the reception early so his DCs didn't miss their first day at their new school, then that's on them really.

I would however think a lot less of a DB who didn't attend a wedding because he couldn't drink at it, which may be the main factor in play here for the decisions ( if OP ever comes back to the thread).[/quote]
In not talking about etiquette. I'm talking about family closeness. Sibling relationships.

The sibling relationship and recognising one of the most important days of your siblings life, is way more important than your kids missing a day off school.
And anyway, if OP's DH goes alone (and I hope he doesn't) why on earth does he need to leave the reception early instead of stay over? Is he obliged to wave his kids off to school, in preference to being there for his sibling?

LakieLady · 31/10/2021 19:27

Cheap hotel/B&B for one night only (night before the wedding if the wedding is early, night of the wedding if it's later in the day).

Missing a day at the start of the school year is hardly likely to be a huge deal.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/10/2021 20:51

is highly unlikely that the school year will start on a Monday.
I was a teacher for forty years and have never known it happen. They start midweek for a reason. It helps to get the year off to a gentle start, and enables the teachers to have pre-term training and get their classrooms ready.

Thanks, saraclara, that's been my experience on the whole - I was just responding to the OP saying that the children would have to miss several days (although some PPs have stated that their schools do start properly on the Monday).

Marvellousmadness · 31/10/2021 21:02

Send your dhby himself.

Or rent a cheap air bnb /motel somewhere where the wedding is. As for clothes; you dont have to buy anything new. Look in your closet or ask a friend if they can lend you something . Search on marketplace etc.
And the kids missing 1 day of school wouldn't be the end of the world. Plus you could always just stay overnight for only one night. Yes it would be a big drive on the day but its duable for sure

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 21:14

Missing a day at the start of the school year is hardly likely to be a huge deal.

It is for secondary school.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/10/2021 21:26

You seem to be making excuses, not to go. I cannot understand why 4 hours is too far? And can you not stay in a B&B? Family is important, you should make an effort to go. Youve had plenty of notice.

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 23:00

What happens if the whole family can't afford to attend a wedding @saraclara, would you expect them to go into debt so they could all attend?

But that isn't the case here. The OP has quoted some completely OTT figures. Then a couple of hundred posts have suggested ways they can attend the wedding without having to spend anything like what is being suggested. The OP hasn't said they are on the breadline. Attending your sibling's wedding is something that is really important for most people. There are 10 months to think about budgeting and how they can work this out. This is a big event in the life of her dh's family. It isn't a regular occurrence. It is one of those things you find a way to make it work. This isn't about flying to Brazil or something prohibitively expensive - it is about having to dirve for 4 hours.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 23:13

[quote TatianaBis]@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I’ve already said her husband should go.

If you want as many as possible to make your wedding you need to get married at a time and place that enables maximum access. That’s what we did.

If you plan it for a Sunday the day before school at a location 4 hours from your sibling’s home then there’s a chance they may not make it.[/quote]
Maybe it's where the bride's family live?

Theyellowflamingo · 31/10/2021 23:25

All these people surprised schools are back on Monday 5th - here term officially starts on Thurs Sept 1st next year, for all LA controlled schools. I’m trying to book a holiday and the Headteacher tells me that that Thursday will be an inset day but the Friday (2nd) almost certainly will be a school day, and the Monday definitely will be.

unknownstory · 31/10/2021 23:51

We have a similar scenario. Have to book two nights due to distance. Had to buy outfits / smart clothes / shoes for us & kids. Using eBay but still 500 gone. Inc hotel. I resent it

julieca · 01/11/2021 10:12

I have always just worn what I already had. I have never bought anything just for a wedding. I know for young fast growing kids you often have to. But surely most adults have at least one smartish outfit in their wardrobe?

unknownstory · 01/11/2021 10:33

Actually when I said resent it I'm being harsh. But it stings. It really adds up.
The problem is when it's a very traditional formal wedding & everyone is wearing full on wedding outfits, hats etc it's not appropriate to turn up in either a short sparkly Xmas party dress or a floral summer beach dress if that's the only thing you have apart from work clothes. Same for DC. They don't have or wear anything except trainers / sports / casual stuff or school uniform. We aren't well off and it means we don't have as much money to spend on Xmas or days out etc

julieca · 01/11/2021 10:40

I see your point. I have never been to a wedding where everyone is formally dressed with fancy dresses and hats, it is usually a mixture. There are always people like me with trousers and a nice top or an ordinary summer dress.

TatianaBis · 01/11/2021 10:47

Maybe it's where the bride's family live?

Maybe it is. But if you hold it there on a Sunday, you have to accept that some of the people who don’t live there need to get work/school the next day, and that may affect your invite take up.

saraclara · 01/11/2021 14:24

@TatianaBis

Maybe it's where the bride's family live?

Maybe it is. But if you hold it there on a Sunday, you have to accept that some of the people who don’t live there need to get work/school the next day, and that may affect your invite take up.

It might, but for a sibling, your kids missing a day of school seems a very small price to pay to share in their day.

Is there anyone here who'd not have been upset if their sibling refused to come to their wedding because they didn't want their kid to miss a day of school?

julieca · 01/11/2021 14:26

I would expect them to attend and drive home that evening. You don't have to stay the night. The reason most people want to is to drink alcohol, but that is not compulsory.

TatianaBis · 01/11/2021 14:58

@saraclara

My kids are not missing a day of school and my siblings wouldn't be silly enough to ask that of anyone.

When you set a wedding date you do so in communication with your families. And if you don't you can't complain if some of them can't make it.

toomuchlaundry · 01/11/2021 15:01

I wouldn't want a DC to miss the first day at school of a new year if possible, and if a sibling was booking a wedding that might involve a day off school or if you have young DC and will end up having a late night the day before they go back to school, I would be telling my sibling that might impact how much of the wedding day we could attend.

toomuchlaundry · 01/11/2021 15:03

It's the same if a sibling decided to have an overseas wedding, not necessarily going to be able to make it if you have DC.

unknownstory · 01/11/2021 15:19

I'd be really annoyed if I was expected to attend a wedding the day & night before DC started new schools. It's really really unfair on the children and especially if a high school.

rookiemere · 01/11/2021 15:23

It's not missing any old day of school though, it's missing the first day of term in a new school. I'd do a lot to ensure my DC didn't miss that.

Fortunately in this case all the family needs to do is leave the wedding party relatively early and drive the 4 hrs home , et voila wedding attendance and first day of school both achieved.

Apparently though for reasons unspecified- as OP has never returned to the thread- this is not a workable solution.

Kite22 · 01/11/2021 15:27

It's not really the same though, as, in the OP's situation, they could drive back that night....that is not very likely with an overseas wedding.

I agree with @julieca and others re outfits, too. When on a budget, you keep an outfit in your wardrobe for 'smart' occasions. If budget is that tight, you hunt around in charity shops and find some lovely outfits (indeed, the last wedding I went to, my outfit was a Jacques Very suit from a charity shop. It was lovely. I also wore a gorgeous dress and jacket I'd got from a charity shop when I went to Buckingham Palace a few years ago. I think all of my friends have a hat or fascinator or a particularly stylish bag or shawl or jacket (ie, things that aren't reliant on them being the same size as you) we are all happy to lend one another for 'an occasion'. No-one 'needs' to spend anything like the mounts people are talking about on here (and often do on other wedding threads). If you have that money in your budget, and are happy to spend it on clothes, then all is well and good, but if you don't, there is no need to either go into debt, miss out on other treats, or refuse to go to a wedding though.

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