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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 31/10/2021 07:03
  1. Take the train?? 4h is not massively far TBH.
  2. Go on the day so it’s not 2 nights in a hotel but 1
  3. Stay somewhere other than the Ritz; I can’t believe £600 is the only option
  4. Adults recycle outfits, kids buy second hand

Having a party Sunday night would piss me off too.

JenniferWooley · 31/10/2021 07:11

OP check the LA website to find out if the Monday is an in-set day - ours already have the holidays etc up for the 22/23 year. This way you'll know if the kids will miss any school.

Look at nearby premier inn family rooms - I have one booked for my brothers wedding & it cost £70 for the 2 nights (Fri/Sat) & I'll be about £20 each way for a taxi to/from the venue.

I bought a dress for £16 in the Wallis sale & shoes for £11 in new look sale.

It's a small wedding with only 40 guests - a total of 11 being my immediate family (including my brother & his kids from his first marriage). The brides family are bigoted arseholes (Celtic/rangers shit that I'm not interested in - as in their kids can't wear green because it's a Celtic colour Hmm) & in all honesty I'd rather be doing anything else that weekend than spending it with people like them but he's my brother, I love him, I love my nieces, nephew & my SIL to be is nothing like her family so I think of it as spending the weekend celebrating with them (and I'd never hear the end of it from my parents if I didn't go).

In short it's a siblings wedding - even if you can't stand the sibling/their partner/their friends/your DH family you have to suck it up & suffer them for the day while also making the event fit your budget which can be done with careful planning and you have plenty of time to plan.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 31/10/2021 07:12

You are making this more complicated and expensive than I needs to be

Get a neighbour/friend/family member to babysit them on the day of the wedding....or even ring their friends parents and ask if they can have sleepovers at their friends houses

For clothing, just wear something smart you already have

For makeup and hair do your own (YouTube is full of tutorials)

For accommodation don't book any at all....set off early in wedding day and come back home the same day...

Now if you are both going to share driving you will both have to stick to soft drinks..

And for a gift, get them a cheap kettle or a sandwich toaster from Argos

So all it will cost you is petrol and a cheap gift

It's doable if you really want to make it happen...

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/10/2021 07:14

@Newsorrynewagain

Do you like the sibling as it sounds like your making excuses
I completely agree. Some of the concerns are reasonable but can easily be overcome (cheaper accommodation, one night stay, don’t buy new clothes) Some of the concerns are ridiculous, like the husband being unable do it alone.
Wheelz46 · 31/10/2021 07:28

Do you have siblings OP? If so, given the same scenario, what would you do?

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 31/10/2021 07:39

I’d explain the problem, with dc starting new school, and let dh go alone.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 07:40

For accommodation don't book any at all....set off early in wedding day and come back home the same day...

I wouldn't want to spend 8 hours driving in one day to attend a wedding.

In mumsnet world there are posters who love driving and don't find it tiring. I am not one of those posters.

The OP doesn't say how old her DC are. Missing the first day of term at primary school isn't a big deal. Missing the first day of term at secondary school is a big deal.

It's when they get their timetables, learn how to find their way around a huge school, meet their new classmates etc. At primary school the teacher will be able to keep an eye on late starters. At secondary school they get thrown to the wolves so to speak.

fumfspos · 31/10/2021 07:40

Yeah it's a pain in the arse but there are loads of things you could do.
You're also making it more dramatic than it is - the kids won't miss days of school, they will probably have to miss the Monday, however there are still ways round that.

  1. You could drive there on the Saturday and come back on the Sunday, leaving at around 3 or 4 pm.
  2. You could let them miss Monday at school and book two nights accommodation but somewhere cheaper. I find it very difficult to believe that you can't find somewhere for less than 600 quid. Look at places within an hour's drive from the wedding venue. You don't have to stay at the actual venue.
  3. Husband goes alone and stays 1 or 2 nights. If the driving is too much for him alone (don't know why it would be.....) he could travel with other family members to share the driving. 4 hours is 2 times 2 hour stretches with a decent break in the middle. I do this regularly and it's no problem at all.
  4. Outfits - I've got an entire wedding outfit from a charity shop before and a suit, shirt and tie for my then boyfriend or wear something you already have.

It just sounds like you don't want to go and are coming up with all kinds of excuses, all of which are easily dealt with and don't need to cause stress at all. It is a pain that they've picked a remote venue but it's DH's sibling's wedding and he should be there.

Sally872 · 31/10/2021 07:57

You have to go. You have a while to save but if genuinely unaffordable then dh goes and stays one night in a cheaper hotel if needed. Personally I would have us all go but only stay one night. Missing one day of school not an issue to me.

user1487194234 · 31/10/2021 07:57

I would be coming at this from the perspective of, we can't miss DH's sibling's wedding., so how can we make it work.Eg ,cheaper accommodation, save up,, charity shop outfit,whatever it takes.

But family is very important to us

SunshineCake1 · 31/10/2021 07:58

Send husband. No one else goes. All your reasons are valid. Let them know asap. They will either realise they are being thoughtless about the guests difficulties or won't care but it gets it over with. It's their wedding but if they make it hard for people to go they can't complain when they decide not to.

anon12345678901 · 31/10/2021 07:59

@AnkleDeep

It's unbelievably selfish to book a wedding miles away from where the bridal couple and their families live.

The ultimate in entitled behaviour.

Turn down the invitation and say you can't afford it.

It's 4 hours, that's not that far. OP if you don't want to go, and it sounds like you don't, your DH should go. He's a big boy, I'm sure he'll be fine doing a drive of 4 hours both days. It is his sibling, he should make every effort to attend.
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2021 08:01

I would try to make this a lot cheaper. Lots of sensible suggestions. However, I would avoid missing the first day of the new school. But do check the online term dates to ensure the children actually go back that day.

You could either stay over the night before, arrange to share your dh’s parent’s room for the day, pop your kids in pjs and leave early and do the drive to arrive home at midnight. Or arrive on the day, one of you goes to bed early and drives the family home at 4am.

Pinkorangutan · 31/10/2021 08:04

I really don't see why OP can't find a solution to this. It's really not that hard.

Personally I'd get up early on the Sunday and drive up, stay one night in cheap accommodation and get up early on the Monday to get back. The kids would miss a couple of hours at most of the new school if you get up early enough.

You're making this far harder than it needs to be.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 08:05

However, I agree about checking the term dates. Round here the first Monday of the new autumn term is always an inset day.

It's 4 hours, that's not that far.

It is to a lot of people for just one or two nights. Not me, but DH hates the idea of driving somewhere for 4 hours for just one night.

Kintsugi16 · 31/10/2021 08:08

So negative
So boring

Just say yes and be excited, the rest will follow and all fall into place.

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 08:08

@RampantIvy

However, I agree about checking the term dates. Round here the first Monday of the new autumn term is always an inset day.

It's 4 hours, that's not that far.

It is to a lot of people for just one or two nights. Not me, but DH hates the idea of driving somewhere for 4 hours for just one night.

Agreed it's not ideal, but it is doable!
BuffyFanForever · 31/10/2021 08:12

You should go. It’s an important day for a close family member. You have time to budget for it as it’s a long way away. The children won’t miss much in the first few days.

Yummymummy2020 · 31/10/2021 08:14

Hmm I have to say, I don’t blame you one bit considering declining. I think a lot of the time people chose these venues not just for scenery but they tend to Cost less to the couple and unfortunately that is passed on to the guests. I would try all attend and do it cheaply. So I would not stay the two nights and I would not get the adults new clothes unless I absolutely had to. I would warn ahead that I would be attending the ceremony and not the afters or the ceremony and meal but not stay late and do the four hour drive home🤷🏼‍♀️ It sucks but it’s a one off thing and I do think you could do it cheaply even if it a pain!

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 08:15

Most guests will leave early from a Sunday wedding as people won't want to take the Monday off work, so go on the Saturday, back on the Sunday, stay at a cheap hotel near the venue.

Unless your DH has some health condition you haven't shared, then driving 4 hrs one day and then the next, is tiring but doable. I hate driving and I've managed it a few times.

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 08:17

Oh and we're a dual income family, but I've always got wedding outfits from the charity shop where I pay around £20 as I'm not spending £100+ for something I'll wear once.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 31/10/2021 08:17

It’s 4 hours not 14 hours!

Dentistlakes · 31/10/2021 08:17

As it’s a sibling, your DH should go at the very least. I can see why you may not want to attend as the costs do add up, but this is a one off expense and it’s immediate family. Personally I would go with the children and see if there’s any way we could reduce the cost and if not, cut back on something else just this once. Or you could look at part time work to offset the costs?

godmum56 · 31/10/2021 08:18

nobody HAS to attend anybody's wedding. Invite not command remember? I think that OP and her husband need to discuss this between them, decide what is best for them and then communicate this as tactfully as they can to bridal couple. 8 hours driving (there and back) is going to be a deal breaker for attendees, especially those with kids, its the bridal couple's choice but with choices come consequences.

godmum56 · 31/10/2021 08:19

@rookiemere

Most guests will leave early from a Sunday wedding as people won't want to take the Monday off work, so go on the Saturday, back on the Sunday, stay at a cheap hotel near the venue.

Unless your DH has some health condition you haven't shared, then driving 4 hrs one day and then the next, is tiring but doable. I hate driving and I've managed it a few times.

I like driving and couldn't do it