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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
Hillary17 · 31/10/2021 00:07

Stay nearby in an Airbnb for cheaper. If not then yes, your husband should go on his own but be prepared for it to cause a rift. I’d be furious, they’ve given plenty of notice.

maddy68 · 31/10/2021 00:10

Why.? Drive over the morning of the wedding. Stay 1 night so you can all relax and have a dri k. Or noook in a travel lodge. All of you for not much money ?

Switch82 · 31/10/2021 00:10

Book a travel lodge or premier inn on Sat. Drive up - do the wedding and drive back the following day. Done!

Canunot · 31/10/2021 00:17

You obviously do not want to go.

Drive up in the morning, leave at 4pm and drive kids home, leave hubby to crash with family in their room and get a lift back with them.

Or as many have said try and find a cheaper hotel and find cheaper outfits.

Sorry but you don’t sound like you can afford to own a house if you can’t afford one off expenses like this, what do you plan on doing if your boiler packs in? If both your kids are school you should maybe consider a part time job for expenses like this?

But to be honest, you probably can afford it, you jut don’t want to go. Which isn’t fair on your husband or his sibling.

2pinkginsplease · 31/10/2021 00:21

It’s your dh’s brothers wedding , you need to go.

We went to my husbands brothers wedding, we drove 2hrs, spent the day there, neither of us drank and we drove back that night as I didn’t want the children to miss the next day at school,

Do you both drive? Could you share the drive home and only stay one night before he wedding?

wotsitsandwine · 31/10/2021 00:23

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

I don't know why people do this. We have been invited to 4 of these stupid middle of no where weddings and declined all but 1 which we HAVE to go to

You have been a bit reductive in terms of solutions - you actually have several options.

As others have said non attendance is likely to cause a rift. I would recommend you both go as a minimum.

when looking at the solve - I think you need to recognise this is a job to be done / a task to be endured and completed and not a nice social event

You don't need to stay two nights.

On the day of the wedding i'd do the ceremony and leave no later than 4pm so you are home sunday night. Just tell them the kids can't be out of school you'll be fined.
If the ceremony is midday i'd drive up same day.
No drinking at all
Split the driving
smile, nod say "the bride looks lovely, they are such a great couple and yes yes - such a shame we can't stay longer"

Oh wow. I think the other 3 couples got a lucky escape!!

I'd be happily waving you off much earlier than 4pm, if you came to my wedding with an attitude like that Shock

Cosyblankets · 31/10/2021 00:23

What would you do if the wedding was your own sibling?
Do that

SpookyS · 31/10/2021 00:24

Can't you just drive there on the Sunday morning?

Isn't there a premier inn or travelodge within an hour of the venue?

I'd go, go to the ceremony and meal, and leave around 8pm, go the hotel for a sleep then drive back the next day.

Unless the kids are in gcse month missing one day won't kill him them.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2021 00:26

mean that our kids would miss a few days of school
It's a Sunday wedding. Why on eRth would they miss a few days??

logsonlogsoff · 31/10/2021 00:27

Go. You should all go. You’ve listed a lot of things many of which could be easily dealt with/overcome. You don’t want to go for whatever reason but at least let your DH go to his own brother/sisters wedding - he can deal with the travel or whatever
Bur you all can go - get cramped accommodation, let your kids miss a day of school
For a major life event … after the 2 years we’ve had with kids home for a lot of the school year DOES it matter???

Kitkat151 · 31/10/2021 01:56

Your partner goes...stays just one night.....sorted

ArcheryAnnie · 31/10/2021 01:59

@InTheMiddle23

As a one income family, is it worth looking at getting a second income to cover costs like this?
This wins the thread as the silliest suggestion.
Midlifemusings · 31/10/2021 01:08

OP, those are pitiful excuses for trying to get out of a wedding.

This is your husband's sibling. Unless they have been estranged for ten years, you suck it up and go even if you don't want to. There are all kind of solutions to the faux excuses you have made up.

julieca · 31/10/2021 01:37

We would go down and stay Saturday night somewhere cheap - doesn't have to be right next to the venue. Then the wedding, leave at 10 pm, kids can sleep in the car, get home about 2.30 am. Kids go to school the next day as usual.
I agree you can't miss a siblings wedding without a better reason than this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2021 01:38

How is it a "faux" excuse that a child starting a BRAND NEW school will miss the first days in that school? Do you even have kids to make such a stupid statement?!

And thats without the cost, which sounds like a stretch too far when they are buying a house. £600 accomodation alone....that will be well over £1k after clothes, gift, travel, drinks, food the next day etc.

Oh and of course the fact that the time off will not be sanctioned by the school so if they go anyway they risk a fine and being known as "that family" within the first week.

School is reason enough on its own. DH goes on his own, OP stays as the kids school wont authorise time off, no one is (or should be) offended. Done.

julieca · 31/10/2021 01:39

@PyongyangKipperbang it is a faux excuse because the kids don't need to miss any school. New outfits are not needed and there will be much cheaper accommodation. All that is needed is a cheap air bnb for one night.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2021 01:43

No its not.

Fact is, you want people to attend you wedding, make it attendable. Dont book your wedding 4 hours away from where your guests live thereby costing them a small fortune, creating a logistical nightmare and pissing them off.

4 hours from where I live, I could be in spain if the flights fell right. But no one would slag the OP off for not going there even though arguably, it would be cheaper!

julieca · 31/10/2021 01:43

If it is family, they may live 4 hours away from OP.

WaterAndRichTea · 31/10/2021 01:46

Your children will be starting a new school
No way would i allow them to miss the first day

Nancydrawn · 31/10/2021 01:51

This is all a bit overegged.

It's a four-hour drive, not a flight to some destination wedding in the Caribbean. At four hours, you really don't need more than one night. Either go up on Saturday and leave Sunday at around 5 pm, or get up Sunday morning and get on the road by 7.30, and you'll be there well before noon.

He must go, and you really ought to go too. Your husband's brother or sister is getting married. To miss that because you're worried about a four-hour drive is pretty disappointing. Imagine how you'd feel if your children did that to each other.

Cappuccino17 · 31/10/2021 01:58

I'd send dh.

SarahBellam · 31/10/2021 02:10

I'd drive up in the morning - the wedding isn't going to be before 11am so if you leave at about 6am you'll have bags of time, go to the wedding, leave early evening and drive home. I've done that for events before and it was fine.

Cocogreen · 31/10/2021 02:39

@Midlifemusings

OP, those are pitiful excuses for trying to get out of a wedding.

This is your husband's sibling. Unless they have been estranged for ten years, you suck it up and go even if you don't want to. There are all kind of solutions to the faux excuses you have made up.

This is it in a nutshell.
CJsGoldfish · 31/10/2021 03:22

You go up Sunday morning and come home Monday. Find some cheap accommodation, it's only for sleeping. No need for new outfits.
Sounds like you are just making excuses but if you really can't be arsed, your DH should definitely be there. Not sure the relationship will survive this but chances are better if he at least bothers.

MamsellMarie · 31/10/2021 03:31

Early Sunday driving should be problem free.