Stressed over siblings wedding

[sleepysnoozy]

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

DH sibling did similar. We sucked it up. It’s a one off not a regular thing. I’d totally decline if it wasn’t family though.

Are other family members travelling up? Could you look at air bnb and a bigger place for you all to share? Hire a bigger car to share the driving? Check if there is an inset day? If it really doesn’t work get DH to go alone with apologies. A single room should be easier and cheaper to find.

Could you all go down on Saturday, one night in a hotel near the venue, use existing clothes for the adults, probably need new clothes for the kids tho. Then you and the kids come back after the wedding breakfast, and DH comes back on the Monday with his family?
We busted a gut for BiLs wedding, but in the end just DH went - it was a 14 hr flight away, in term time (although on a Saturday!).

4 hours is nothing, my family live 6 to 7 hours away and we have done a visit in a weekend before. Get up early, travel to wedding, drive home after or stay in cheaper accommodation night of the wedding up early and travel home, 4 hours is easily doable!

It's a nice suggestion @Gizlotsmum but things get really complicated if you try to involve wider family and then you're reliant on them paying their share.

My sticking point would be DCs missing first day of school, I'd do whatever I needed to to ensure that didn't happen.

I still don't understand why a healthy able bodied person can't do a 4 hr drive on consecutive days. Or if that's such a huge problem, drive down after work on Friday- stay at even cheaper motorway motel that night.

There seems to be a thing on this thread of "if I can do it, you can do it" regarding driving. Anyine else find this weird and unreasonable?

You and DH need to go at a minimum, you have plenty of time to make arrangements and book an advance deal at a cheaper hotel reasonably close to the venue and look in second hand shops or sales for new outfits if absolutely needed.

Worst case scenario could you and DH share lifts to save on petrol if you went minus dc and then get a taxi from a cheaper hotel?

Whilst it’s understandable you aren’t looking for a full time job, is it worth considering either some part time work, casual hours work or looking at the make £10 a day thread on the money matters thread, where they are doing online work from home? Not specifically to attend this weekend, but to help with the buying of the house and any unexpected costs that may result from that or anything else?

Any inconvenience is worth it to avoid any family drama that will go on much longer than one weekend.

@godmum56 I normally never question people's driving abilities, but I'm a rubbish driver and menopausal. I can see it's not ideal, but in this case it seems like the obvious solution.

@godmum56

There seems to be a thing on this thread of "if I can do it, you can do it" regarding driving. Anyine else find this weird and unreasonable?

I agree.

DH loathes, and I mean really, really loathes driving. So I do 99% of the driving. He would think twice about going to a wedding 4 hours away with just a one or two night stay. He really does make a meal of it TBH.

I think you should all go. If you really can't afford a hotel then you could leave at 6am, kids can have a kind of nap in the car. You could leave after the dinner finishes at bed time and kids sleep in the car. Yes that wouldn't be a fun day for you but you can't miss a sibling wedding imo. Absolute minimum your dh should go.

This really sounds like you don't want to go!

I would be very unhappy about my child missing the first day of school. Is it definitely a school day? If you are in the UK that is often an INSET day. However, I also don't understand how it would be a few days missed if you travel back Monday?

If Monday isn't an INSET day, then the VERY least is your husband has to go. An adult man can not miss his siblings wedding because he doesn't fancy driving 4 hours!! 4 hours is really not that long to drive.

Re accommodation (even if just your husband goes), find a Premier Inn or Travelodge.

Re clothes, I am sure your husband has something he could wear.

Re a present, just keep it relatively modest, something they can keep forever is good if there isn't a list. A really nice vase is always a good idea.

I think the answer is obvious DH says he will come but unfortunately as the kids are starting new schools the next day they and you won't be able to attend. NB, his job to say this as well, as it's his family.

4 hours doesn't mean you need 2 nights does it? Just book one and drive back on the Sunday with the kids in their PJs

@godmum56

There seems to be a thing on this thread of "if I can do it, you can do it" regarding driving. Anyine else find this weird and unreasonable?

Not at all. It very much changes the op from they cannot possibly attend, to actually they could the op just doesn’t want to.

Four hour drive twice in a weekend is simply not that wild a suggestion to do once. Do both the op and her dh drive? Two hours each each way is even more reasonable.
Staying in a cheaper hotel for one night is a reasonable suggestion.
Missing ‘a few days of school’ is actually possibly one. It might actually be none missed due to inset.
The expense of buying all new outfits for everyone is probably not necessary at all.

It is op’s brother-in-law. It isnt a flight away. They dont need to make it their annual family holiday like for people who choose to get married abroad and pass the costs on to their guests. It is doable.

In my view it's extremely selfish of the bride and groom not to think carefully about the cost and other implications for their closest family and friends of choosing a venue so far from where you all live, and also choosing a day of the week and time of year that means schoolchildren miss school time. Don't you get fined for taking children out of school now?

Even if that's changed, I would not take children out of a new school at the start of the school year, if it's secondary school. Not great even if it's primary school.

I don't understand why people think they have to attend in these circumstances. In the oft used MN phrase, a wedding invitation is not a summons.

Of course your kids can’t miss school to go to a wedding.

DH should go, if he doesn’t like driving he can go on the train.

@Echobelly

I think the answer is obvious DH says he will come but unfortunately as the kids are starting new schools the next day they and you won't be able to attend. NB, his job to say this as well, as it's his family.

Yep.

YABU. You have plenty of time to plan/ Dave and it's just one day off school for a close family wedding. Surprised this is even a question!?

*save not Dave

Also, wedding outfits do not need to be brand new/ expensive!

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

In my view it's extremely selfish of the bride and groom not to think carefully about the cost and other implications for their closest family and friends of choosing a venue so far from where you all live
It very much sounds like they are marrying close to ehere the bride and her family are from. Which is standard for traditional weddings.

choosing a day of the week and time of year that means schoolchildren miss school time i agree with this. Week day weddings really annoy me. But then again, not everyone has weekends off so someone is having to miss school and work.

Don't you get fined for taking children out of school now?
Not for their uncles wedding, no. Of course not.

You’re framing it as impossible because you don’t want to do it.

It’s absolutely essential DH goes - it’s his brother (sister?), there’s no way he could not go to their wedding without major family rift. One overnight stay and he’s sorted.

All of you could go and there’s plenty of time to save for it. But clearly you’re throwing obstacles at that scenario - missing several day of school? Pfft - so just stay home and your DH can go on his own.

Let your DH go alone.

We’ve had several of these invites including a wedding in the middle of nowhere in Poland. Schlepping 3 kids through Berlin airport followed by a 5 hour drive was a no no.

DH has gone alone and has probably enjoyed himself more - no stressing about looking after bored kids all day and having to finish up early cos they need to get to bed. Plus he knew all the relatives and was delighted to catch up with cousins.

You have time to save - just wear the best clothes you have. I wouldn’t let the children miss school - go the day before and come home after the ceremony / meal and avoid the evening do. Let them know but try not to be too negative as it’s supposed to be a celebration!

I am bit torn on this to be honest. On the one hand I have no problem not attending something if I don't want to. I do admit neither DP or I are massively close to siblings and I'm not really a believer in social obligations if its a huge pressure on my immediate family. So I would have no problem just saying the DC and I wouldn't go.

That said you are rather making a meal of it. A Sunday wedding is more than doable. One night away if you need to but I'm not seeing how there is a couple of days off? If you were particularly precious and not prepared to leave the reception a bit early then maybe the Monday but there's no need if it's the first day back.

Yes the DC would be a bit tired but perfectly manageable if you keep the rest of the period leading up quiet and relaxed.

If you don't want to go by all means say no , people are very odd about social requirements but I wouldn't give the reasons you have above they are a bit dramatic. Just say it doesn't work for you and the DC.