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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stressed over siblings wedding

310 replies

sleepysnoozy · 30/10/2021 22:38

We have been invited to my husbands siblings wedding next year. The kids are invited too. Initially we were excited to go but they quickly booked a venue which is a 4 hour drive from where we (and the rest of my husbands family) live. This has changed things for us as it now means we need to spend two nights there as it is so far away. If we bring the kids the accommodation alone will be £600 for two nights. We also need to consider the usual wedding costs, outfits, Also, it is on a Sunday which will mean that our children will miss school.
We are planning on buying a house next year and feel that the timing of the wedding could be a big financial burden on us. We are a one income family too.
Lastly, the wedding is on at the start of the school year and it would mean that our kids would miss a few days of school in their first week starting in a new school.
AIBU if we turn down the wedding invite?
We have also considered having just my husband go but that would mean he does a 4 hour drive there and back the next day after a late night at the wedding.
What do we do? We don’t want to be negative over it but it is going to be stressful not matter what we do.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 31/10/2021 03:57

Four hours is not far, this is close family. Find cheaper accommodation, only stay one night. Kids would miss one day. Or just DH goes

cherrybonbons · 31/10/2021 05:49

Drive up on the Saturday. Attend wedding Sunday. Drive back Sunday night or Monday. Kids miss one day of school. Perhaps it will be the first day back but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that will matter.
Are you trying to find reasons not to go?

User527294627 · 31/10/2021 05:58

If you can’t find cheaper accommodation for all of you then you should either find childcare for the kids and you & your husband go, or just your husband go on his own.

Family weddings are important. I know mumsnet often takes the attitude that they don’t matter and it’s entitled to want people to celebrate with you, but I actually think they really are important and efforts ought to be made. At the very least, your husband has to go to his own sibling’s wedding. Better still if you can go too.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 31/10/2021 06:03

OH should go, stay the Sunday night and back to work Tuesday.

YerAWizardHarry01 · 31/10/2021 06:04

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

If the wedding is on a sunday you drive down Saturday and come back monday. One night accommodation and one day off school
One night accommodation? What do they do for the other night in your suggestion?
Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 06:09

You only need to stay one night, the Sunday. The children only need miss one day of school.

I don't understand the "few" days of school.

Holly60 · 31/10/2021 06:17

So many options before your last option of just not going.

Is it in the summer? If so can you find a campsite nearby? Or a caravan if not a tent?

Or have someone babysit the kids and just you and your husband go.

Or just your husband goes and sucks up the driving. If he doesn’t want to drive 4 hours after being up late, then he just shouldn’t stay up too late. It’s better to go and leave a bit early than just not go at all.

Or husband lift shares with another member of his family, if anyone is close by.

Come on - you can work this out. Just not going really is an absolute last option, as it will never be forgotten.

Waahingwashingwashing · 31/10/2021 06:19

Leave early Sunday get there on time for wedding. Go to wedding. Stay over. Drive home the next day. Children miss one day of school.

This is a sibling wedding. You suck it up and go unless you want a massive estrangement or are already estranged

It’s really not that big a deal.

If you can’t afford it, don’t get massive present for sibling, book budget hotel and try getting an extra income to cover this sort of thing.

I don’t understand the drama clearly you don’t like the sibling and are making a whole drama out of this

tiggerwhocamefortea · 31/10/2021 06:22

I don't see the issue? Presumably it's a Saturday wedding? You drive up after school on the Friday and back the Sunday? If the hotel is expensive you look for a cheaper b&q or premier inn type a bit further away from the venue? To be honest it sounds like you are just not wanting to go?
If you are buying a house that's going to be problematic on one income unless it's a maternity leave situation?

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 06:27

@tiggerwhocamefortea

I don't see the issue? Presumably it's a Saturday wedding? You drive up after school on the Friday and back the Sunday? If the hotel is expensive you look for a cheaper b&q or premier inn type a bit further away from the venue? To be honest it sounds like you are just not wanting to go? If you are buying a house that's going to be problematic on one income unless it's a maternity leave situation?
It's a Sunday wedding
Hetyanni · 31/10/2021 06:28

Personally, I would try to go for family. Especially a sibling. A Premier Inn family room booked this far in advance is about £38. Ask school for permission for the Monday off, it would normally be granted for a family wedding. Don't stay 2 nights, what time is the wedding? Drive up Sunday morning early. Leave at 6am, breakfast on the way, arrive at 10/11ish.

If school won't give permission and £600 is really your only option then at least DH should go alone, he will be fine with the drive - he doesn't have to get drunk and can lay in before setting off.

SaltySheepdog · 31/10/2021 06:29

Do it on the cheap. One night and put everyone in a family room in a cheap hotel close by. It’s only 4 hours away and your kids will only miss only one day of school. Family events are really important will enrich your children’s experience more then a day in a new school. There will be lots of absences in school anyway what with covid

SelkieQualia · 31/10/2021 06:32

God, people are so wet. Missing a sibling's wedding because kids might have to miss one day of school that might be an inset day anyway?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/10/2021 06:35

They scheduled their wedding on a Sunday presumably due to costs- well due to costs you can’t all go.
Also I really wouldn’t want my children missing school

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 06:35

Fact is, you want people to attend you wedding, make it attendable. Dont book your wedding 4 hours away from where your guests live thereby costing them a small fortune, creating a logistical nightmare and pissing them off.

I agree. And, having the wedding on a Sunday isn't great either.

Missing the first day of term in a new school, especially if it is secondary school is a really bad idea.

I agree that if they must all go, to stay in a cheap airbnb, bed and breakfast on Saturday night, and leave early on Sunday.

I don't understand couples who place more importance on their choice of venue over inconveniencing their guests.

If cost is an issue I wouldn't go to town on outfits or a gift either if it really is a chouce between presence and presents.

londonrach · 31/10/2021 06:37

Dh goes on his own if you can't afford all to go. He can't miss his brother or sisters wedding!

UniversalAunt · 31/10/2021 06:46

£300 for an overnight stay?

Blimey!

Basic overnights in PremierInn/Travelodge family rooms

onelittlefrog · 31/10/2021 06:49

I think YABU. It's a sibling's wedding which is a very important life event. So what if it's a 4 hour drive - that's not really that far! Some people have family that live further away than that.

Kids missing a couple of days school really isn't a big deal.

I don't know why 2 nights accommodation would cost £600. Even in London you could find something cheaper than that.

So yes I think YABU.

GoodGrief100 · 31/10/2021 06:54

I cant understand any of the reasons you give apart from the kids missing school at the start of term and possibly the money aspect if your tight for cash. Why can your husband not drive down on the Saturday and come back late Monday/early Tuesday? If none of your family go (especially your husband) you need to be fully prepared for a family fall out. Has your husband expressed what he would like to do?

AnkleDeep · 31/10/2021 06:55

It's unbelievably selfish to book a wedding miles away from where the bridal couple and their families live.

The ultimate in entitled behaviour.

Turn down the invitation and say you can't afford it.

LavenderAskew · 31/10/2021 06:55

I think if you're planning on giving those as an excuse to your DH's sibling you need to make them more believable.

Your children will miss one day of school from their early years. This will make absolutely no difference to their education. So scrap that excuse.

The four hour drive still exists if you all go, so using that as the reason why your DH can't go makes no sense at all. So scrap that as an excuse.

Expenses of clothes, can we presume you have clothes already? If you really have .such penury that you couldn't buy new clothes for you are your children within the next year I'm sure the sibling will be OK with last year's fashion.

The expenses of accommodation from two night's might wash. But only of it's the only accommodation in the area and there's something you have to attend on the Saturday night or the wedding starts early on the Sunday.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/10/2021 06:56

Why is the accommodation £600. Can you not find a Holiday Inn Express or even cheaper a B&B nearby?

It's on a Sunday so if you are worried about missing school drive back overnight, or early the next day. If term starts in a Monday (which is unusual) then the most you miss is a day or half day.

Banani · 31/10/2021 06:56

You sound like you don’t want to go, there are certainly more options than you’re making out:

  • If the wedding is say late morning early afternoon you could travel up that morning and either stay one night or leave late afternoon. The kids might be tired for school but they’d manage.
  • Stay later then book a cheaper hotel part of the way back, stay there then get the kids to school from there.
  • Just your husband goes, or you both go if you have someone local for the kids to stay with.
  • You don’t all need new outfits, use what you have or look on eBay etc

There alternative option might not be ideal, and you might get pressure from the family, but there are ways for you to make it work if you wanted to.

You say it’s 4 hours from where you and your husbands family lives, where is it in relation to the family of the other half of the couple/where they live? 4 hours doesn’t sound a long way to me for a wedding, especially if the couples friends and family are dotted around.

LavenderAskew · 31/10/2021 07:00

@AnkleDeep

It's unbelievably selfish to book a wedding miles away from where the bridal couple and their families live.

The ultimate in entitled behaviour.

Turn down the invitation and say you can't afford it.

To be fair, it could been close to the bridal couple live, or near the bride's or groom's family. We don't know that detail.
SelkieQualia · 31/10/2021 07:01

@AnkleDeep

It's unbelievably selfish to book a wedding miles away from where the bridal couple and their families live.

The ultimate in entitled behaviour.

Turn down the invitation and say you can't afford it.

Because everybody marries someone from the same area that they grew up in and only has friends from that area, too. Honestly, it's only 4 hours - it's not like it's Fiji.