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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with Nanny/House Manager

297 replies

Howtoworkandplay · 30/10/2021 18:12

NC as I really do not want to be outed just yet!

Have just returned from a stay abroad due to work, it took a week longer than originally planned.

We have the builders in at home doing a whole home renovation and I was the one that appointed, signed and agreed all work.

Whilst away, work has been agreed by someone other than me, and quite frankly they have ripped me off left right and centre. The builders that is! I would never have agreed to what they quoted and went ahead and did. Plus it is not really what I wanted anyway. Quotes about £15k above what it should be IMO.

My question is, should they have gone ahead with this when I was the one who has signed for work with them?

House manager acted in good faith I might add. Very loyal and trusted but not experienced in this kind of thing.

WWYD?

OP posts:
BarkminsterBlue · 30/10/2021 18:56

This thread is very weird. I am calling either reverse or the SAHP theory suggested above.

hibbledibble · 30/10/2021 18:56

Since you also referred to her as an au pair, then I wonder if you are giving someone young and experienced, not receiving a wage, far too much responsibility. How much are you paying them? You should really be liaising with the builders yourself.

NumberTheory · 30/10/2021 18:57

If she acted in good faith, couldn't contact you to find out what you wanted and you hadn't given her instructions about dealing with the builders that she ignored, I don't think you can be angry with her. She did her best in a difficult situation.

BUT

If you didn't give her instructions, presumably you didn't give her authority to make any changes to the contract with the builder? When you left what was the plan with the builders? Did they have contact information for you or a proxy they were supposed to talk to? Leaving builders without oversight seems like a mistake.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 30/10/2021 18:57

I would say that unless there is a paper trail where you expressly delegate authority to your nanny to take build decisions on your behalf, you go back to the builders etc and say these things weren't validly approved. Why didn't they contact you?

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 30/10/2021 18:58

@PuppyMonkey

I’m imagining someone like Mrs Danvers in Rebecca, anyone else? Grin

In all honesty, if the builders did stuff without checking with you, it’s them I’d be cross with, not Mrs Danvers.

No, not even slightly!

I’m imagining some beleaguered 19YO with a toddler in one arm, a vacuum in the other, signing off an invoice she hasn’t even had time to give a cursory once over!

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 30/10/2021 18:59

I know from bitter experience that it's always better to properly supervise any building work, especially done abroad and especially if the builders perceive you as wealthy! Even if you are not. Having said that, if it was a lot of work, perhaps increase in money is justified. You can't leave someone else in charge, you have to ideally have eyes on everything that's happening, and always be contactable at the very least.

Haffdonga · 30/10/2021 18:59

I'd love to know if the poor nanny/ house manager/ au pair was also expected to look after OP's children without any time off or support for an extra unexpected week while managing also overseeing a house refurbishment.

Sounds like the nanny /house manager / au pair deserves 15k extra herself, OP

Linning · 30/10/2021 19:00

Do you have a nanny, an Au pair or a house manager? Those are 3 entirely different roles (who also don’t come with the same paycheck nor responsibilities!).

House manager assuming they oversee building work etc and know to ask for your approval you could about blame but a nanny or an Au pair would be more complicated.

Does your nanny/Au pair speak fluent English?

I once was working for a family and the gardener lied to me. The family had put me in charge of paying the gardeners (which is not my job) and the gardener came at the end of their shifts to say they had finished the job and they had had it approved over the phone by my boss and all was in order. I had no reason to doubt them (and I hadn’t been told the specifics of what they had to do) so I paid them as planned. Turned out, they hadn’t done what they had been asked and had never actually called my boss.

They were furious, but not with me.

Like yes maybe I could have tripled- check but honestly It would have put me in the very awkward and potentially tense/dangerous position of refusing their paycheck to a couple of men when alone with the baby. When someone is here for your kids they aren’t there to take care of your construction work and and it’s unreasonable to expect that of them and even more so to expect them of standing up to construction workers. People can become very aggressive when it comes to money issues for work “done.” It’s unfair to expect your nanny to want the trouble just so you don’t have to deal with it.
You should be the one following up with the work from abroad and making sure it’s all in order or give extra clear instructions.

KristinAmandaThomas · 30/10/2021 19:01

Sorry OP, it reads to me as though it’s your fault largely.

Having builders in really needs someone in charge on hand to make decisions and oversee. Your nanny I would say is blameless - acted in good faith and had been left out of her depth frankly. Your builders may or may not be somewhat culpable if they detected naivety in the nanny and deliberately steered matters into additional business for themselves. But I probably wouldn’t blame them for not contacting you as they likely believed the nanny was in a position to make the decisions. So yeah, your fault I’m afraid.

Hope you get everything resolved though because I understand why you feel angry, and I suspect you know that it should be directed at yourself.

DaisyNGO · 30/10/2021 19:01

@TheWayOfTheWorld

I would say that unless there is a paper trail where you expressly delegate authority to your nanny to take build decisions on your behalf, you go back to the builders etc and say these things weren't validly approved. Why didn't they contact you?
My thoughts too.
CovidCorvid · 30/10/2021 19:02

A nanny who looks after the house while you’re away is not a project manager. If you were going to be away while work was being done you should have hired one. Alternatively have the work done when you’re home to oversee. You can’t be mad at the nanny when you’ve taken a risk by not doing either of those things. By all means be mad at the builder but I still think you need to take some responsibility. I’m having a very minor job of a summer house/garden office been constructed soon, I’m making sure I’m at home that day.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/10/2021 19:02

I don’t understand what happened

Iamacatslave · 30/10/2021 19:04

I feel sorry for your “House Manager.”

Nocutenamesleft · 30/10/2021 19:04

@PuppyMonkey

I’m imagining someone like Mrs Danvers in Rebecca, anyone else? Grin

In all honesty, if the builders did stuff without checking with you, it’s them I’d be cross with, not Mrs Danvers.

That was a house manager. Mrs Danvers.

So how many staff does this house manager look after Op? @Howtoworkandplay

Tomatalillo · 30/10/2021 19:04

Unless the house was on fire or being flooded there is no way I would have agreed to anything like this in her position. I’d be ringing you and leaving messages and telling builders to wait. It’s hard to imagine wanting to ok something a]like that when it’s not your only, unless you literally are the project manager.

If the builders have led her to believe it was urgent and that not acting would be a bigger problem or cause damage, then they have behaved really badly and they need to be held accountable.

I can understand you being pissed off OP.

FleasInMyKnees · 30/10/2021 19:04

What was the extra work, was it urgent stuff like a leak that was discovered when they replaced the bath or similar. Did the builder have your details to contact you and have instructions to call you in the case of any changes or emergencies.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/10/2021 19:05

Ohh right, I get it now. You are angry your servant didn’t know the intricacies of your renovations and budget. What a pleb!

Weedoogie · 30/10/2021 19:06

I would say the builder is responsible. He has sought approval from someone that he knows is not the bill payer, nor could he possibly believe that she has authority to approve an extra £15k of costs.

He should have got 8n touch with you and, if he couldn't, he should have downed tools until your return. You should have been calling home to the builder amd the house manager to check on progress

Maryann1975 · 30/10/2021 19:06

So who has authorised the work? An au pair? Aren’t au pairs young people, Living in a foreign country With a family to improve their English and doing a bit of babysitting/light housework in exchange for a bit of pocket money and experiencing a different culture/way of life to their own? And you’ve gone away for work, for longer than you originally said and left the poor girl completely out of her depth with the builders?

godmum56 · 30/10/2021 19:06

@hotmeatymilk

pass the popcorn someone please Delegating this task to my house manager.
@hotmeatymilk

and you win the internet today

shiningstar2 · 30/10/2021 19:07

Live in nanny/au pair and house manager? Responsible for looking after your child 24 hours a day while u r away? Plus a total house remake project? And you extended your business trip by a week??? That is mega responsibility. I hope she is getting mega pay although the au pair it sounds bit ominous. Certainly no part au pair I've ever heard of was left to deal with such awesome responsibilities. I think the most important issue would be that you found your child safe and happy. If you often do several nights away business trips you will need to be careful how you handle this. If she is reliable with your child you need her. Unless superbly paid and totally appreciated not so many nanny/housekeepers want this level of responsibility

category12 · 30/10/2021 19:08

@CovidCorvid

A nanny who looks after the house while you’re away is not a project manager. If you were going to be away while work was being done you should have hired one. Alternatively have the work done when you’re home to oversee. You can’t be mad at the nanny when you’ve taken a risk by not doing either of those things. By all means be mad at the builder but I still think you need to take some responsibility. I’m having a very minor job of a summer house/garden office been constructed soon, I’m making sure I’m at home that day.
This.
Bienchen · 30/10/2021 19:08

Hopefully this is not a champagne aspiration - beer income scenario where you pay au pair wages and expect project manager work.

This is entirely between you and the builders.

BlackSwan · 30/10/2021 19:09

Sounds like the builders bamboozled your aupair and took advantage of the fact that you were out of town. That's not her fault.
I would be livid with the builders, not the au pair. And I'd stop referring to her as a house manager. Unless you told the builders that the 'house manager' was in charge of all decisions about the house in your absence? That would change the complexion of the issue...

FleasInMyKnees · 30/10/2021 19:09

A house manager is someone who has experience in managing a house and all that involves including emergencies and being your agent if you are away. A nanny looks after the children and helps around the house according to their contract. I would not have left a nanny in charge of any house renovation.