“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

I think everyone should have exactly as many children as they feel comfortable with, and can look after (emotionally snd financially). For some people that’s 1. For some it’s more. I don’t think there’s wrong or right beyond that. I have a few children but there sure are good arguments for just having the 1; they will receive much more of your time and attention. You can always get them a pet! Don’t pay any mind to the family member

Someone like her just look her dead in the eye and tell her 'you are being very offensive, ignorant and rude. This is definitely none of your business'.

Your problem was not answering with "and why exactly is this any of your fucking business?"

No you're not selfish but she is a cunt.
There are plenty of people who fucking hated their siblings throughout childhood. Personally my older sister made me utterly miserable until she left home and my 2 boys hate each other much more than they like each other

“Could you just take one giant step back, please? Your breath smells.”

Of course not. Having one child is absolutely fine,
normal and the best choice for a lot of people. Have the number of children you are able to handle emotionally and practically – that's the best thing for all involved.

You already know the answer to this. She is unbelievably rude and her attitude is blinkered. It beggars belief that people think it’s appropriate to comment on how another person chooses to structure their family. I think anyone who presumes to think the should express a view on this is ill mannered and ignorant.

I wouldn’t give these people a minute’s thought.

What did your husband say? Did he stick up for you?

I have a daughter and don't plan to have anymore. We spend quality time together and I can afford to do stuff that I wouldn't be able to if I had more children.
She has cousins and friends and as she grows up she can have her friends over as much as she wants, as I only have child there will be plenty of space.

@Peanutmnm

Someone like her just look her dead in the eye and tell her 'you are being very offensive, ignorant and rude. This is definitely none of your business'.

Thiiiiis

With bells on

FFS you are not a baby factory to serve up children to other peoples demands. Of course YANBU!!!

(I’m angry on your behalf, not angry at you )

Ugh, I know I should have told her to get fucked. That is my natural way! But my husband’s family are all very proper-yet-opinionated and for some stupid reason I didn’t stand up for myself and just tried to diffuse. The ‘event’ was in honour of a very unwell family member so I didn’t really want to make a scene, if that makes sense. My brother in law and his wife were agreeing though, which threw me too.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

You should have told her it's not up to her and it wasn't up for discussion. Then left if she carried on.

It's selfish for her to assume that other people are fertile enough to have a second child. For all she knows, you have had endless problems trying to conceive one child let alone two or could have suffered multiple losses. She has no right to ask such an intrusive and potentially sensitive question. I'd have told the judgemental bitch (and her audience!) to keep her nose out of my reproductive organs.

Sorry you had to experience that OP.

I would have said 'Are you seriously having a discussion here about my personal choices? It's not going to a public vote!'
Any more of it and I would then have said 'right, let's critique your life choices then' and started doing that.
Btw I'm an only and have never been lonely. It's bollocks.

What a ridiculous set of things to say. And to a room full of people. Two things

1. We have one and will not be having another for so many, many reasons. In short because of my disability, HG during pregnancy, horrific post natal anxiety and ocd, the fact that we can barely scrape by as a family of three and feel if we had another we would just be way too stretched to give either of them what they need. The list goes on.
2. I barely speak to my siblings. Birthdays and Christmas pleasantries and that's it. They were abusive to me as a child and I would have rather been alone than terrified in my own home. I realise this is a very unique situation but it still goes into my reasoning for being happy at one.

I wouldn't want to go into all this in a room full of people though. She was incredibly rude and ignorant to speak to you like that in front of so many people and to then try and get them to gang up on you. Not nice.

@PlausibleSuit

“Could you just take one giant step back, please? Your breath smells.”

👏🏻

@Oneanddonenotenough

Ugh, I know I should have told her to get fucked. That is my natural way! But my husband’s family are all very proper-yet-opinionated and for some stupid reason I didn’t stand up for myself and just tried to diffuse. The ‘event’ was in honour of a very unwell family member so I didn’t really want to make a scene, if that makes sense. My brother in law and his wife were agreeing though, which threw me too.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

If you don't want to make a scene you can just walk out. Wordlessly. And do it any time they are this rude.

The mythical fabulous sibling relationship is always over-stated. I know far more siblings that hate/dislike each other than don’t. And many, many siblings have very sporadic contact into adulthood.

Regardless of that, how many children you choose to have or not have is nobody else’s business.

I have one due to secondary infertility, but actually once I decided to stop trying because of the age difference I very quickly moved to realise I was glad I hadn’t actually had any more. And now the thought of any more children fills me with horror.

And you can bet your bottom dollar that if you had 2 and then decided to have a 3rd the same family member would be telling you that the middle child would suffer because of it and that was selfish.

It’s amazing how many people seem to think they have a say in other people’s lives.

@iwishiwasafish

FFS you are not a baby factory to serve up children to other peoples demands. Of course YANBU!!!

(I’m angry on your behalf, not angry at you )

Thank you.

Annoyingly, my H was next door watching the cricket with ‘the men’. 🙄

Oh tell her to fuck off.
I have one child who is 20.
She's perfectly fine without a sibling.

Christ almighty, what a thick. That's a moron op. So glad you have 1000× more sense than that dope.

I'm sure you'll hear many stories from posters here telling you how their siblings tormented them.
I've no need to go into it now but that's my situation, one sibling,tormented me, we dont speak now.
You'll also hear about posters saying they wished they had sibling and were indeed lonely but it's a waste of time to sit around wondering what if.

Live your life how you want , have the children you want. Fuck all these armchair psychologists

No it’s not at all selfish to have an only child.

And everything people point out as negatives can be offset.

• No siblings....so have close friends, even friends come on holidays. Or cousins if you have any.

• they’ll have total burden of caring for you when old. So ensure you have funds to pay for a carer when you are old.

• they’ll be all alone when you die. Friends are chosen family...no one has to be alone.

Your relative sounds very spiteful doing that to you as well. I think you handled it with dignity and grace.