“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

"A Swedish study, published in IOPscience in 2017, found that having one fewer child per family could save approximately 58.6 metric tons of carbon each year in developed countries."

Tell her you're doing your bit for the planet. What's she doing?

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

'we're mainly doing anal these days'

I posted this on a thread earlier where a women felt judged for having three children, but it applies here too: Women are judged for everything, especially after becoming a parent. Tell her to fuck off.

I didn't say that last bit on the other thread but your relative's comment has really got my goat.

@parkle

I have reported this thread (sorry OP, not your fault) because of the number of posters making horribly ageist comments, "old trout, old boot" etc. No where does the OP mention the age of the person who offended her. Sooner or later, MN is going to get into trouble because of the number of posters who deliberately and persistently make ageist comments. Some posters on MN love to combine ageism with sexism, 'sageism' I think it's called. Old Trout , Old Boot , Just how many ways can some posters be misogynistic on a site mainly intended for women? Women do not magically stop being women at the menopause. Although some posters clearly think old women are always to blame for everything. We do ourselves no favours with this clearly discriminatory approach.

Nobody is talking about all old women. People are talking about this one nasty woman. Maybe the internet isn’t the place for you if you find everything offensive.

My brother and myself hated each other growing up, there is only a year and a few weeks between us.

We live within a few miles of each other and haven't seen each other or spoken in years.

I now have an only child and would never subject her to a sibling

but she is an old trout

I'm 59, btw.

@FuckPilledLatteplus, Calling women 'Old Trout" and 'Old Boot' because an assumption is made that a woman being offensive must be old is ageist. The OP later admitted the woman concerned was not old.
There are far too many ageist, misogynistic comments casually thrown around on a site focused on women's issues.

Why stick old in front of it. The person concerned was in her forties.

I'm an only child - I was never lonely. Sometimes I think I would have liked siblings, but the sort that are in books and films, who all get on and are close. Sadly most people I know do not have these kinds of relationships with their siblings (including DH) so it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I have had to deal with both parents having dementia, moving into care homes, organising funerals and clearing and selling a house all on my own, but going by some of the threads on here about selfish/useless siblings it's probably a blessing that I was able to just get on with it and make my own decisions without having to consider anyone else's opinions or fight over inheritance etc.

I have an only child, he is 11 and he is very happy. He has nieces that he sees and has fun with.

He would not want a sibling now.

@parkle

Why stick old in front of it. The person concerned was in her forties.

Why sex the insult at all?

They were an interfering, mean spirited, nosy, horrible wanker. No sexed or aged insult needed.

MN have now deleted the posts ( thank you MN). We should be discouraging assumptions being made that anyone who says something rude must be old ( and female) . Sageism is sadly alive and well on MN

29 is old

40 is decrepit

i'm 45 and three quarters

Lots of people can’t afford more than one child. Some people are deciding they only want one child for environmental reasons. Some people like the family dynamic with having one child in the family and having another child might alter that. My brother and sil have one child and she is a very happy little girl. She is close to my children and sees them regularly. She has a couple of friends at school who she is close too. I have a sibling and we do not get on at all. I’ve gained nothing from having a sibling in fact it’s caused me a lot of angst and heartache.

This person was extremely rude to you OP. I hope you told her to mind her own bloody business.

I'm an only. Loved it, still do albeit harder when the parents are bordering on needing care.

Hubby has a sibling who is a selfish cunt (complete opposite of hubby) and they despise each other.

I'd stuck to one, but your body your choice and quite frankly sod anyone else's opinion

Old chap, old girl, no longer refer to age. Neither do old trout etc.

Her thinking is out of date. She might have had a point 30-40 years ago when 1 child families were unusual but nowadays I know at least 3 or 4 friends of both of my kids who are only children. It's not unusual at all, especially with people starting families a bit later than in the past, the high cost of living and women having better career opportunities. The only children I know are not lonely - they have neighbour kids to play with, friends at school, cousins and so on.

You do you. Would anyone really have a second child just to please some distant family member? She should mind her own business and you don't have to justify your decisions to her.

And for all this woman knows, maybe you can’t have anymore children. In fact I’d have been tempted to wait until she got off her soapbox and then told her you can’t for medical reasons. That would have made her look stupid.

@MrsTerryPratchett, exactly, although the OP went on to admit the person was female but only forties. It is the opportunity seized by some posters to link rude behaviour to older women. The immediate jumping to conclusion prejudice that if a woman says something rude she must be old.

Years ago, I learned this phrase on MN; it has worked on all sorts of controlling impertinence:

Isn’t it a good thing I get to decide, and not you? Gleaming smile. (And for full effect hold their gaze until they shuffle out of view …)

Next time tell her bluntly "None of your business you nosey twat" and then leave the room.

old in the context of this woman's behaviour towards OP is as in outdated attitude not because of her age.

What a fucking monster of an in law