“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

You should have told her that the planet is already hugely over populated and what is actually selfish is to add further to that by having more kids - and then left. Why should you have to stay and listen to that crap.

Perhaps the best response would have been

Sorry but I think you are being incredibly rude to want to discuss our sex life.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I think everyone should have exactly as many children as they feel comfortable with, and can look after (emotionally snd financially). For some people that’s 1. For some it’s more. I don’t think there’s wrong or right beyond that. I have a few children but there sure are good arguments for just having the 1; they will receive much more of your time and attention. You can always get them a pet! Don’t pay any mind to the family member

Exactly. It's no one else's business.

She sounds incredibly rude. It is absolutely none of her business how many children other people have. Ignore her.

Well we didn't feel it appropriate to go ahead and add to the family until we had your full stamp of approval. We knew we could count on you to choose an appropriate occasion and audience to air your concerns in full on this highly public matter. If any one has any further questions we can be found in the garden where DH's going to bone me with wild abandon in full view of the neighbours until said bun is safely in my oven

I am an only child. I had a wonderful childhood. I have five children and as far as I know they would say the same about theirs. They are all adults and all have their own relationship with the others separate from me and my husband. Either is good and neither is better than the other.

You are certainly not selfish.

Tell her to back up and mind her own business.

Your D.C. will be just fine without a sibling.

@nexus63
I know you meant well, but Dd has 0 cousins she actually sees.
She's never been lonely.
Choose your words carefully.

'I can't believe you're asking me about our sex life. The number of dc we have is nothing to do with you. Please don't be so rude.'

She sounds awful, op, I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Rude, interfering bat.

None of her business. Don’t let it get to you.

Some excellent responses on here. Next time I’m in her company I’m tempted to get a thread going so you can feed me some cutting remarks in real-time.

I’m really annoyed that she’s made me wonder this way because we have some absolute shit going on in our lives at the moment and I could really do without feeling guilty and worrying about whether I should be having another kid so my existing one isn’t emotionally damaged, as well.

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....

And why do you think it's selfish exactly, when outcomes for single children are at least as good, if not better, than outcomes for children with siblings? Why would it be selfish to give your child such a good start in life?

@jamandmarmalade

Well we didn't feel it appropriate to go ahead and add to the family until we had your full stamp of approval. We knew we could count on you to choose an appropriate occasion and audience to air your concerns in full on this highly public matter. If any one has any further questions we can be found in the garden where DH's going to bone me with wild abandon in full view of the neighbours until said bun is safely in my oven

😂

I have 4 siblings and we never kept each other company or played with each other. The closest thing we got to that was when me and my brother drew penises all over my other brother's school leaver's yearbook. Even now, we are much closer to our childhood friends than each other. It wouldn't cross any of our minds to call each other up (we don't have each others numbers or addresses) and the only time we see each other is when we happen to be visiting our parents. I can't imagine we'll be each others rock when my parents die. We didn't have a big fight or whatever or purposefully go NC, we are just all very different people with our own lives.

My only child dd on the other hand gets 100% of my attention, she has lots of friends and loves spending time with her grandmas, I don't feel she can be lonely.

Some people have zezo tact. None of her fucking business, how dare she make you feel uncomfortable.

“and when can we expect a sibling for…?”.

"About 9 months after you send us the money for her private education"?

Not selfish at all, I have two because I wanted more than one (shock horror they are the same sex so people assume I will have a third!) But they currently argue constantly!

Just to say that with the world population as it is you could equally argue that it’s selfish to have more than one child.

But really jamandmarmalade is the lady with the answer, so you need to do what she says cause that’s brilliant.

In my experience family is a lottery at the best of times so the only child being lonely is a bit of a poor argument. I don't see either of my siblings, or any other family, due to a completely messed up familyof origin. I have one DD and she relies on friends, not family, for company which is what I do. We get to choose who we are close to. Have another child because you want one, not because of some theoretical ideal that may not exist.

@EllieSattler

Oh so well said

MN standard response number 273
"Did you mean to be so rude?"

I would say, oh, thank you very much for your unwanted advice, and then stop listening to her diatribe full of rubbish talk.

Sorry you have those in-laws OP. It’s absolutely none of their business. Don’t doubt yourself.Enjoy your child. There are many benefits to you and to your child just as theirs are for more than one child.

There not theirs.

Thank you @Oneanddonenotenough
My point is not having a sibling might be the least selfish and best thing you're doing for your child.