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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

336 replies

Oneanddonenotenough · 30/10/2021 17:34

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

OP posts:
Eleganz · 30/10/2021 18:37

I'll tell you what is selfish - Thinking a room full of people want to hear your opinions on how many children other people should have because they are related to you.

Mydogmylife · 30/10/2021 18:37

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....
I'm sorry what a load of old guff! Thank goodness you don't actually say this to anyone
Beachmummy23 · 30/10/2021 18:38

I had this in a shop once. I had 9 miscarriages one precious child and got told I was selfish for not giving her a sibling by a random stranger in a shop. I'm more annoyed I was too upset to put him.in his place.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 18:40

I can understand you not wanting to get into an argument with her considering the nature of the gathering (sick relative) but I would have had steam coming out of my ears. Who the fuck do people like that think they are asking such personal questions and then loudly passing judgement on the decisions you've made? Argh.

If I were you I'd be hard pushed not to pull her up when I found myself alone with her. People like that, people who take pride in speaking their mind and calling a spade a fucking spade, sometimes need to learn the hard way. I like a bit of vengeance though.

Warblerinwinter · 30/10/2021 18:44

@RandomMess

Urgh I have 4 DC, believe me one and done is an equally valid and probably far more sensible choice!!!

Well done on not slapping her Angry

Having children is the ultimate selfish choice. You put your own desire to have a child above logic and being sensible.

I hope you have recovered fully it sounds like you had an incredibly tough time Thanks

This is an interesting statement “ having children is the ultimate selfish choice” At risk of derailing OPs post, which I completely agree is bang out of order, i would question this. Having children is a usually (pending infertility isssus) a natural consequence from sex where no choice to prevent that is used. Hence why big families were the norm going back in time until the mother could long no longer bare kids or even died. We now have to actively choose when not to have children e.g. none at all, some, specific times etc. I think we’ve sort of forgotten this and it leads to a lot of issues with men, and some women. I often think becuase of the struggles biologically and financially with having children it makes for very difficult choices where some couples don’t see eye to eye. Or even decisions over contraception where in a lot of cases men see it as a right to have sex without them even thinking actively about their role in preventing pregnancy,
So I don’t think that it is the correct argument . It is a hard decision and choice to decide when not to have children …but it is entirely down to that family or individual and no one else business for sure. Thoughts?
Fizzbangwallop · 30/10/2021 18:44

I’ve been thinking about having another child but what concerns me is that it may take after you!

BudgeSquare · 30/10/2021 18:45

I'm the eldest of three, and fuck me I wish my parents had stopped after me.

Benjispruce5 · 30/10/2021 18:47

What surprises me more than the obviously none of her business point, is that this is a woman of age and experience. When I was younger I used to think only children suffered a bit. O was the youngest of 3 , DM one of 6, DGM one of 12 etc. But, I had 2 and realised I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be with more and didn’t try to have the 3 I thought I always wanted. My two now 21 and 18 don’t always get on and it saddens me. DD1 often says she doesn’t want children and I’m totally fine with that and have told her so. She has friends that feel pressure to produce grandchildren and I think that is awful. I had my chance to have the family I wanted, my DD’s decisions are their’s and absolutely nothing to do with me. I will support their choices fiercely.
So surprised that ‘older’ women haven’t come to the same realisation that life has many options and all are equally viable and justified.
Good luck op.

jamandmarmalade · 30/10/2021 18:47

Thanks @Nc123 i am also available for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

I can clear a room with one steely eyed stare and maniacal grin.

Do feel free to introduce me to your relative, OP.......
I am a graduate of The Kathy Burke Finishing School, suggest you enrol..

Roselilly36 · 30/10/2021 18:48

So rude for anyone inc family to ask such a personal question IMHO. No one else’s business.

SpaceshiptoMars · 30/10/2021 18:50

Bet that odious relative wouldn't have been up for any child minding later either. Just enjoying herself grandstanding at other people's expense.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/10/2021 18:50

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

I think your in law is the the precious twat who’s lost her grip on reality and you’re more than entitled to be upset. You have your own reasons for not wanting to have another child, and to have someone wade in publicly like this is incredibly ignorant. I’m sorry but I would have told her exactly that.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/10/2021 18:52

TBH I think you are to be congratulated for not punching her lights out !!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 30/10/2021 18:52

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....
Why do you think it's selfish? When DD was growing up my house became something akin to the local youth club she had that many friends around so it couldn't be the lack of a "playmate", which IMO is one of the worst reasons to have a 2nd child. She shared all her toys and understood what "no" meant, so she wasn't spoilt. I was able to afford for me and her to go on a UK holiday every year, so she wasn't deprived of my time and attention, so I ask again, in what way was my decision "selfish"?
parkle · 30/10/2021 18:53

I have reported this thread (sorry OP, not your fault) because of the number of posters making horribly ageist comments, "old trout, old boot" etc. No where does the OP mention the age of the person who offended her. Sooner or later, MN is going to get into trouble because of the number of posters who deliberately and persistently make ageist comments.
Some posters on MN love to combine ageism with sexism, 'sageism' I think it's called. Old Trout , Old Boot , Just how many ways can some posters be misogynistic on a site mainly intended for women? Women do not magically stop being women at the menopause. Although some posters clearly think old women are always to blame for everything. We do ourselves no favours with this clearly discriminatory approach.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 18:56

poor you, that's just so horrible of her. what a twat.

you are not selfish for wanting one, in a self-centered meaning.

are you selfish in a self-preserving way? abso-fucking-lutely and good for you!

If it ever comes up again just say "I'm done discussing this, it's none of your business".
read about JADE

ThinWomansBrain · 30/10/2021 18:58

next time - if you see this dreadful relative again - just say "we're not having sex at the moment, how frequenly do you have sex?"

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 19:00

'we're mainly doing anal these days'

Fenelladepompom · 30/10/2021 19:01

She's a cunt. Next time, pick a response from here, or watch the cricket. Flowers

ColinTheKoala · 30/10/2021 19:01

Yes it's very selfish not wanting to put your body through another NINE MONTH pregnancy, risk daage to your body from it - and indeed risk your second child having a disability. Totally selfish.

Everyone should get pregnant with another child as soon as they've dropped the current one.

Stupid mare. I'd have told her to mind her own f-ing business. My body, my choice. It makes me so angry.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 30/10/2021 19:01

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....
You're not even going to give reasons for your bullshit views? Why does a child NEED a sibling?
thepeopleversuswork · 30/10/2021 19:02

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....
It's unpopular because its based on nothing except prejudice and narrow minded, outdated views of how things "should" be done. There is absolutely no data whatsoever back this view up, its just reheating of old wives tales.

I'm glad you don't say it to people's faces because you will lose friends if you do.

MurielSpriggs · 30/10/2021 19:04

Yes, you are being selfish. In much the same way as she's being selfish for not popping round to do your gardening, clean the house and sort out all the ironing every week for the rest of her life.

It would be really really nice for you if she'd do it. The only reason she doesn't, is that you've no right to expect it, and it doesn't fit her plans. Selfish cow.

Courtier · 30/10/2021 19:05

You're not a womb to be used to fulfil the needs of others. Your body, your choice. Nobody is owed children or siblings.

parkle · 30/10/2021 19:05

In fact I have taken a screenshot of the first page because of the misogynistic, ageist comments. Some MN posters need to think before they make horribly abusive comments directed at older women ( the OP even admitted the culprit was in her forties) but why waste the opportunity to hurl around 'old boot, old trout' insults on a site intended mainly for women. It's a disgrace.