“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

But @Fenelladepompom, she wasn't old. However, MN have now deleted the offensive terms.

Aw, bless. Enjoy your success.

@parkle Do you think you need to go for a a little lie down?

Then the thread can get back on the rail........

That's just her opinion though, so shrug it off.
People are fond of shoving their own opinions onto you.
Just smile politely and do what the hell you like.

there sure are good arguments for just having the 1 - I've got 4, all grown up now, and occasionally come across a baby tooth or picture I've kept for posterity but forgot to label at the time and wonder which of them it belongs to ... Anyway, as someone who's been on the receiving end of comments about family size but for the opposite reason, it's nobody's business but yours. What an interfering old bat!

I would have thought as a society we have moved on from this sort of rubbish, but apparently not. When I was young it was considered selfish to not want any children, but I haven't heard that for years.

OP, the number of children you have is down to you and your DH, no-one else gets a say. Of course it's not selfish to have only one child, and that child will be fine. I'm an "only", so was my mother, and I was perfectly happy. Please don't listen to idiots giving their unwanted views on a subject which has nothing to do with them. In future I would simply say the subject is not up for discussion.

So it's OK to call someone 'cunt' 'bitch' or 'thick as mince'

Sorry, that's in reply to the poster complaining about the 'old' comments

Had to add in my experience of this too. Our neighbour, not once but twice, has said we need to have another (in front of our dd). He looked me up and down as if to say what’s wrong with you and then said you need a boy! Unbelievable. We were lucky enough to have our dd, and having gone through multiple rounds of ivf and operations since we haven’t managed to have a second. But apparently I should have just “popped” another one out. Ignorant tw@t.

She was completely out of order op. I have an only and he loves not having a sibling f to argue with - we have lots of cats instead!

@LagneyandCasey

So it's OK to call someone 'cunt' 'bitch' or 'thick as mince'

Well they aren’t ageist, which was the complaint. (Although I would argue that the first two are misogynistic)

Although @parkle I don’t think you have helped your case. I believe there were 1 or 2 ageist comments out of over 100. I find it best just to report the individual comments and move on.

I had this happen to me once. I gave them a cold stare and said ‘it’s lucky I’ve not suffered multiple miscarriages or been trying for ages with no luck, otherwise comments like this would reduce me to tears. You should be more careful how you speak to people’

@Fenelladepompom

She's a cunt. Next time, pick a response from here, or watch the cricket.

I wanted to watch the cricket! But I got trapped having tea in the dining room with the ‘girls’. 🙄 my parents in-law are slightly trying but ultimately lovely people and I’m very fond of them, so my H’s entire family are not like this, but there is a definitely habit of overstepping among the lot of them. This was the worst I’ve experienced though. She was also the worst culprit for asking loudly when I was going to provide my husband with a child before I had my one.

I like @jamandmarmalade’s idea and next time I’m going full Kathy.

I’m sad my thread has been reported though. It’s been very helpful. The woman in question is only in her 40s, as I said, and I think the posters using terms another poster found offensive probably meant well and were being supportive.

OP - my bone of contention is that you describe the offending in-law as a member of your DH's 'proper-yet-opinionated' family. While the latter is abundantly clear she is improper to be so crass and tacky.

Clearly despite her air of misguided self confidence she has abolutely no manners. You could always just retort: ''Well you weren't brought up very well were you?''

It’s really none of her business. I’d be tempted to email/message her to make my feelings pretty clear. Unfortunately you don’t have to look too far on Mumsnet either to see these sort of comments. I don’t know why anyone cares how many children people do or do not have. Or why they think is interested in their opinion on the matter. It possibly says quite a lot about their own choices and insecurities to be honest.

sorry OP cross posted with you.

Yes go full Kathy. I love her she tells it like it is but is actually a very nice person. I trust her implicitly to verbally knock your relative across the cricket lawns and score a Century.

Ugh what a sanctimonious twat she sounds, next time you have the pleasure of her company we’re going to need a live stream or something so we can feed you come backs!

@Peggytheredhen

I posted this on a thread earlier where a women felt judged for having three children, but it applies here too: Women are judged for everything, especially after becoming a parent. Tell her to fuck off.

I didn't say that last bit on the other thread but your relative's comment has really got my goat.

This is mightily true. I’ve not seen the other thread or I’d have added this to it (and saved you all a thread!).

We can’t win.

I sometimes think about having a prepped speech in these circumstances saying ‘what if I had been trying and failing to conceive, going through IVF, had lost pregnancies, or I simply had chosen to have no more children…’ etc, just to stop them doing it to any other woman, but then I feel so frustrated that we’re always having to explain ourselves.

I get asked when can we expect round 2 a lot now that DS has turned two. I don't mind, but that's because when I light-heartedly say "Nope no plans" or "We're just enjoying the one right now" or whatever people either leave it alone or make a joke about one being more than enough. The fact she persisted is beyond the pale. Especially the implication that it's you depriving your DH of another child rather than a joint decision. Even if your DH were up for it and it's you not keen, it's none of her business.

Also loads of people don't like their siblings. Neither DH nor I get on with ours.

She’s a cunt ..

TBH I would just ignore and ask her how her sex life is and what contraception she uses, she is still of child bearing age!

I’ve had this, it’s intrusive and annoying.
I said well, I miscarried my first, my daughter was stillborn and then we had my son so I’m done now thanks.
Also feck off …

Yes we can't win whatever OP. I have two and my DM has frequently made noises that three would have been optimal!

FWIW my niece is an only and she and my DB/SIL have a lovely, fun life together and they have far more quality time to spend with her than I feel I have with my two.

I couldn’t really think of a way to sum up the family. They like to behave in a way deemed as proper, and they have very clear ideas about what they think is proper (bit of an archaic word to describe them but I hope you know what I mean), yet they all project their views of ‘properness’ onto those found wanting. I have quite the wrong political ideals for them, for example, so have always been an outlier, which I’m frankly quite happy with.

That is a garbled mess, but I hope you know what I mean. I’m tired!

I wonder how she would react if I launched a Burke, not well I imagine. Stunned and awkward silences would ensue, she’d probably cry and leave the room and wail about how she only meant well, whereby the entire family would gather to soothe. 😂 or something.