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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

336 replies

Oneanddonenotenough · 30/10/2021 17:34

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

OP posts:
Frankbutchersfangs · 01/11/2021 09:53

If she thinks you're selfish only having one child - what would she think to someone like me, who decided not to have any??

I fucking hate people like this, who think they can judge you and argue with you about your decisions!! Angry

And yes, I've had plenty of people try to talk to me out of my decision not to have kids.....

JudesBiggestFan · 01/11/2021 09:58

She should mind her own business. You're not inherently more selfish to have one more child, there could be umpteen reasons for that choice. For balance, I have three sons and people comment all the time on that too...you must be mad/oh it must be chaos. No to both!
I would say my niece is an only child and my sister is divorced from her dad. She has a very lonely life and is the subject of very intense focus when she is with each parent. There's a lot of pressure on her...not intentional but I've seen it often happen with only children..
Having all the attention has both good and bad sides. Increasingly my niece chooses to spend a lot of time at my house...both because she adores having kids to hang out with and because I don't have time to monitor snacks/obsess over screen time/allocate lots of chores.
She gets to be a child more with no responsibilities because I'm constantly busy with lots of distractions and pulls on my time. I do think there's a lot on the shoulders of an only. But equally they can be more financially privileged/have better holidays. There's always positives and negatives. But that's for you to weigh up!

loopylindi · 01/11/2021 10:00

I was an only child (was 'cos parents both dead so technically now I'm an orphan) I learned independence and how to be self sufficient. I have in law siblings that aren't friends. The Hollywood image of 2.4children and two parents is becoming more of a myth with each year that passes.

Mydogmylife · 01/11/2021 10:13

@JudesBiggestFan

She should mind her own business. You're not inherently more selfish to have one more child, there could be umpteen reasons for that choice. For balance, I have three sons and people comment all the time on that too...you must be mad/oh it must be chaos. No to both! I would say my niece is an only child and my sister is divorced from her dad. She has a very lonely life and is the subject of very intense focus when she is with each parent. There's a lot of pressure on her...not intentional but I've seen it often happen with only children.. Having all the attention has both good and bad sides. Increasingly my niece chooses to spend a lot of time at my house...both because she adores having kids to hang out with and because I don't have time to monitor snacks/obsess over screen time/allocate lots of chores. She gets to be a child more with no responsibilities because I'm constantly busy with lots of distractions and pulls on my time. I do think there's a lot on the shoulders of an only. But equally they can be more financially privileged/have better holidays. There's always positives and negatives. But that's for you to weigh up!
I'm an only and don't recognise your description of your niece's life at all. Every family is different and personally I had a lovely childhood. I didn't miss having no brothers or sisters ( and had no desire to have any) and felt no pressure at all. Perhaps your sister would've been different if she had more children, but equally she may not.
Anniegetyourgun · 01/11/2021 10:19

IMO the very worst reason to have a child is because someone else wants you to - and that includes their potential sibling.

If the world were desperately in need of more people, if every couple had to have two or more children to prevent the human race dying out, then it might be reasonable to encourage a woman of child-bearing age to have more than one. Since the situation is almost the exact reverse, anyone choosing to have just the one should be applauded if anything. (I had four! Sue me!)

It's a funny word in this context, "selfish". It's very flexible too, as it can be applied to absolutely every reproductive choice, from no children to a dozen. If you're not prepared to bring a kid up, deciding not to have one is just sensible. If having one made you really ill, having another would be reckless, risking leaving at least one child without a mother and turning the father into a single parent. Selfish is blundering through reproduction without a thought for the consequences, just because you like babies or because you don't want Auntie to judge you Hmm.

You're the one who has to do everything for the child, starting with whether it should be conceived in the first place (though Nature often has other ideas). You get to decide what is best for yourself, your spouse and any existing children, from your unique knowledge of yourself and your family dynamic. You have to consider yourself first because you're the key to it all going successfully. It's the reproductive equivalent of putting on your own oxygen mask first.

Glitterblue · 01/11/2021 10:23

DH has a relation like that. Last time I saw her I had the whole lecture about how selfish I'm being.

DD was born very prematurely and we both almost lost our lives. I can't take the risk of DD losing her mum. I've struggled for years with the thought of not being able to have any more, we'd always wanted at least 2. That stupid woman just makes it worse.

LaetitiaASD · 01/11/2021 10:32

@Oneanddonenotenough

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

You should have replied - "you're the selfish one - thanks to you my kid's in laws will never see my kid again when you're around you massive prick."
Anniegetyourgun · 01/11/2021 10:35

... another thing that gets on my wick is people starting with "sorry" when they know they are going to say something outrageous. They don't mean "sorry" at all. They mean "I know you are not going to like this but I am going to say it anyway, whether it causes you pain or not". It's a passive-aggressive "sorry" with a "not sorry" subtext. It really doesn't make the outrageous thing they say any less offensive.

Rosebel · 01/11/2021 10:38

Just ignore the noisy cow. Or tell her to fuck off and it's none of her business.
You have however many children you want (could be none, could be 10)it's what you and your husband feel happy with.
My niece is an only child and has lots of friends and is very close to my daughter's. She doesn't seem lonely.
There are benefits she obviously gets more time, attention and money spent on her too.

FoodologistGirl · 01/11/2021 11:00

I only have one child and we have a great relationship. She’s was easy to take places, happy in our company, we have fun on road trips, and we had none of the squabbling I see from other families. Now she’s grown up she agrees that she loved being an only child. Sure if you one you do have to give them more if your time, but that’s a joy with one, no jealousy or bickering

Justacouplemorethen · 01/11/2021 11:06

I was asked about when I was going to have children on my wedding day - I had to say “can I just finish getting married first?!”
Then after my first I had 3 awful miscarriages before having my second child - I was asked many times when I was going to have another, I shouldn’t leave it too long, I’m getting old, I shouldn’t have a large age gap etc, which was incredibly painful. I used to say something vague like “at some point”, and gradually it moved to “well we are trying to” until I used to snap “are you really asking about when me and my husband are having unprotected sex?!” Or “well I’m just recovering from a horrible miscarriage and I’d love another baby but it’s not happening yet” and walk off crying. That shut them up.
People think that they can ask you the most personal questions and cast judgment on such a personal issue. It’s none of her business whether you have none, one or more, and to act like you are depriving your DH of more is so rude. She’s either desperate for kids herself or just simply nosy and entitled.
Next time you should give a shocked response to shame her, like “why are you interested in when me and DH have unprotected sex?!”

GrannyRose15 · 01/11/2021 11:08

It's none of her business. Or anyone else's for that matter. If you and your DH are in agreement there is no more to be said on the subject. Enjoy the child you have.

LivingForPinkGin · 01/11/2021 11:20

I get this all the time, (notice I say I not we as nobody asks my husband). No reason is good enough for the people who ask this I have found, so all I say now is our family is complete now thank you, but I am sorry if you are losing sleep over the size of our family!!!

Onemorebaby · 01/11/2021 11:22

I don't think there is a right or wrong on this. For some no children is best, others it's 2 and for some it's 3 etc. There are so many variables and complexities and I really wish everyone would keep their beaks out. If everyone did what was right for them rather than what they think they should do we would all be happier. Tell her its boring and change the subject. Has she got nothing more interesting to talk about rather than goad you?

Sloth66 · 01/11/2021 12:35

I’d say having only 1 child is the opposite of selfish. In any case, it’s absolutely none of her business.

Dibbydoos · 01/11/2021 13:50

What an awful thing to do. But she only embarrassed herself not you. I only wanted 1 child, I was in the rise of my career and my hubby was working away overseas. Sadly I got pregnant again very quickly - it was hell for several years for me as I wanted to go on 4 days a week permanently- employer ok with it but with 2 babies and nursery fees of £20k I had to go back full time. A few of my friends are single kids and tgey had everything, they wanted siblings, but I wanted more siblings and I already had 2 so I'm not sure that's a real want....

Ticksallboxes · 01/11/2021 13:58

It's absolutely not selfish - in fact yiu could argue it may be selfish for humanity to have two and overpopulate the

Ticksallboxes · 01/11/2021 14:00

Posted too soon!!

FWIW almost 100% of only children I've known throughout my life have grown up to have a lot more confidence than siblings. I think it's because they've never had to share their parents love with anyone else, which is very significant.

Miisty · 02/11/2021 06:04

Poor you it seems once you have 1 child people start saying when are you having the next one like my in laws did .You enjoy what you have and ignore this person You suffered in your pregnancy not everybody gets the pregnancy bloom

GrolliffetheDragon · 03/11/2021 11:01

People just shouldn't bring it up. I always wanted two DC, but after a difficult pregnancy and traumatic labour which left me regularly reliving the whole thing for over a year and no medical professional listening to me about the trauma I decided for the benefit of my mental and physical health and ability to parent the child I have, that I could not have a second child.

As it turned out other health issues cropped up that meant pregnancy would have been ill advised to say the least.

People still felt the need to ask when we would have a second. Sometimes I would snap back about the cost to my health of having one, and they'd carry on anyway - apparently I shouldn't let that stop me and it would probably be fine next time...

Mrslje04 · 06/11/2021 17:33

Next time say can I help you with that and when she says what? Say getting the stick out your arse. Your family your choice. Xx

Baddit · 06/11/2021 18:17

"Thank you for your commentary on my sex life. Shall we talk about yours next?"

Happyher · 06/11/2021 19:29

It’s a decision for you and your husband only.

JerryGiraffe · 06/11/2021 22:40

This really pisses me off OP, the mantra of 'an only child is a lonely child drives me mad. I was an only child until I was 11, then gained siblings and much as I love them, being an only child is something j can definitely recommend 😁
On a serious note, have as many, or as few children as you want. It isn't anyone else's business. You know what is right for you and your family

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 06/11/2021 23:01

What's more important, a second child or your mental health and family dynamic now? Trust your gut, not their asshole / opinions 😉