“I’m sorry, I just think it’s selfish.”

[Oneanddonenotenough]

I know this isn’t a new subject for here but I’d like to garner general opinion to see if I’ve lost grip on reality and I’m being a precious twat to be a bit upset.

Anyway, I was called selfish by a distant member inlaws’ family today for not particularly wanting a second child.

She asked me the age-old “and when can we expect a sibling for…?”. I initially avoided answering because this question really fucks me off for all the obvious reasons. She pushed for an answer and then started addressing the wider room full of my H’s family saying that she believed it selfish to only have one child. I said I didn’t feel like I wanted a second child, especially as I had suffered with crippling antenatal depression and felt suicidal during my first pregnancy, I’m very happy with my family as it is etc. I wish I hadn’t answered by she had form for holding court and was talking to the whole room saying it would be selfish to my child as they’ll be lonely and selfish to my H for not ‘giving’ him another chance at fatherhood, selfish to not try for one of the opposite gender. Ugh.

She’s a bit batshit but as lots of his family began agreeing that one on their own would be lonely, I’m wondering if I am in fact selfish for only wanting one?

I absolutely hate this!!!!
For all she knew, you could have been trying or having suffered losses. Honestly it is so selfish of people to ask these questions. Why people think it's OK to start openly talking about whether or not we plan to reproduce or do so more is so utterly shit.

A it's none of anyone else's business.
B have as many children as you and your husband feel comfortable with.
C if I had my time again I'd only have one - for all sorts of reasons.

"and when can we expect a sibling for…?”
When my DH jointly decided this is what we want.

I kept trying for another child because I didn't want to be selfish and wanted to give my DD a sibling. She now has 2 brothers with severe autism, she has basically raised herself since she was 7, and although I love my boys and am proud of what she has become, I worry every day about the load that might fall on her if something happens to me

To add to my post, my DH and I have made a mutual decision that next time anyone asks us, we are going to start asking them awkward and inappropriate questions to drive it home how not OK they are acting! Eg How's your sex life going? Oh, what, that's embarrassing MiL? Oh deary me I wouldn't have thought

I would let them know that I wouldn’t be visiting again unless they kept their opinions to themselves. So bloody rude.

There are arguments that its more selfish to have multiple kids. An only child doesn't have to share a room, share their parents attention, do things they don't want to because their sibling wants to. Also you have more money to spend on the one, rather than splitting between 2 etc.

I have 2 kids. There are selfish and unselfish reasons to have two, or not. And none if those reasons are the business of your rude relative.

Urgh, that sounds absolutely awful.
I'm only just getting over MIL voicing her disappointment over dneice's 2nd baby being another girl as SHE 'wanted one of each' as great grandchildren.
Honestly, bloody rude family members. We were nagged all through years of fertility issues even being told when babies were born on soaps & when would we get on with it.
It's infuriating, YANBU to say something.
And the men watching cricket, while the poisonous relative gets stuck in!
or

I had a truly shite pregnancy. I had awful sickness, the sudden onset depression, my baby was then flagged as being high risk of a complication, it was just very taxing. I opted for an election CS, for which I was also criticised.

Anyway, I had great resolve in only having one. I’m happy, they’re happy, my H is happy, but then being told that it’s selfish because they’ll be alone as a child, and then alone when we die, etc, knocked me a bit. I knew people said it and thought it but no one had ever actually said it to me if that makes sense.

I don’t want another pregnancy but it made me feel like I should endure it.

This woman is also only in her 40s. She’s not old.

She's ridiculous. Just ignore.

Your dd will be absolutely fine.

@Skippingabeat

"and when can we expect a sibling for…?” When my DH jointly decided this is what we want.

I kept trying for another child because I didn't want to be selfish and wanted to give my DD a sibling. She now has 2 brothers with severe autism, she has basically raised herself since she was 7, and although I love my boys and am proud of what she has become, I worry every day about the load that might fall on her if something happens to me

I’m really sorry. This sounds hard.

Well if you are so am I.

I decided not to have more because ds was born with a genetic condition and we discovered I carried the gene.

Or would it have been selfish to have another kid who had a 50% chance of having a degenerative neurological condition?

My point being that everyone has their opinions but they really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. You've decided for health reasons you don't want more. No one gets to be given personal information like that not deserves to have it.

The same way I just say I've decided I don't want more. I have intention of telling anyone other than closest friends and family im responsible for ds being disabled.

I have a sibling. When my parents die I will feel utterly alone because he's a bit useless. And lives in another country.

Everyone thinks siblings are somehow magical. My only DD has a friend whose dad is BFs with DH. They've known each other since birth. Sisters from another father!

How horrible of her. Particularly cruel of her to go around asking other people's opinion.
You are definitely not selfish, it could even be said you are the opposite of selfish. I'm sure your child will be very happy being an only sibling, there are huge benefits. I say that as someone who adores their brother.

Urgh I have 4 DC, believe me one and done is an equally valid and probably far more sensible choice!!!

Well done on not slapping her

Having children is the ultimate selfish choice. You put your own desire to have a child above logic and being sensible.

I hope you have recovered fully it sounds like you had an incredibly tough time

I'm an OC. It's absolutely fine.

Several of my friends and cousins are NC with their siblings and have never gotten on.

My DD is only 6 months old and since the baby was born my in laws have been on at us “don’t wait too long before the next one” “you might have another one next year!” Etc which I don’t really mind because they aren’t dicks about it.

I don’t think it’s selfish to just have one at all. I have a good relationship with my sibling now but I can’t say we were friends growing up, I honestly don’t think I would have been more or less lonely without them. Obviously I’m happy to have a sibling now but without them I’d be fine.

Please read Lauren Sadlers One and only. It’s a brilliant book, I had secondary infertility and miscarriages and my friend lent me this book. It’s a real barn storming read, I got pregnant with my second reading it and carried on reading it. What really struck me was the improved mental health outcomes in single child households.

Having a child because you want one is selfish, because you did it to make yourself happy. So is not having one because you don't want one. People need to stop acting as though adults prioritising their own happiness is wrong.

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....

@tiggerwhocamefortea

She is of course very very rude and goady to express her opinion openly that way however I personally do think that being deliberately "one and done" as a lifestyle choice ie no medical or financial reasons why you can't etc is a bit selfish and I do think if you have a child you should be prepared to have a sibling but I appreciate that's a pretty unpopular and minority view on MN and why I wouldn't say it to someone's face unless they specifically asked my opinion on the subject.....

It's unpopular because it's thick as mince.

Some people said that to me before DC2 was born / conceived - it's such an unkind thing to say, partly because it's none of their business, and partly because people have no idea why someone has an only.

It could be a decision because of the reasons PPs have given, it could be that you have been trying and are finding it really hard to conceive, it could be someone has had multiple losses, it's an entirely reasonable decision to stop at 1 DC. It's just really selfish and IME, the people who often said it are those who found it easy to plan pregnancy, have an easy time and can't see past the end of their nose to think someone might have a different experience from themselves.

I used to say "well unfortunately, you can't order siblings on Amazon yet" - enough to stop someone pressing further and change the subject.

If it makes you feel any better, my 2 are 8 years apart and I've had people ask me if no2 was an accident, tell me I should have planned better as the age gap was too big etc, some people just don't think before something comes out their mouths and think as soon as you are a parent, you're fair game to be asked all sorts of inappropriate questions.

I can imagine that "not being lonely" is a big priority to her. It's a lonely place having the emotional intelligence of a rhinoceros.

She sounds utterly awful. A chuckle and "it's probably best it's not your decision then", It's never some outside ransom persons decision to judge or get a say one way or another.

i never wanted children than told i could not have any then i fell pregnant, i had a beautiful son who is now 34, i was always being asked when i would have another as he would be lonely. my brother has 9 kids, one sister has 3 and another has 5, he would never be lonely with all those cousins, he used to say when he got home he was so glad to get some peace and quiet. it is nothing to do with anyone else how many children you have, if she asks again tell her it is none of her business, i have nurses come in everyday and three of them do not have or want kids and they get asked the same question, why do people find it weird that some women don't want kids.

OP, don't ever feel that you have to answer such an ignoramus.
You were right to keep the peace, given the occasion, but if there's a next time...tell her to stick her opinion where the sun don't shine.

A colleague, when she got married, had every aunt, uncle and assorted relatives asking her when she was going to have a baby. I told her to ask them about their own sex lives. See how they liked when intrusive questions were turned back on them.