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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday cake

291 replies

Thundercats77 · 30/10/2021 13:38

Long winded.... Today is my DS 1st birthday. We intend to celebrate this tomorrow with family and friends and have hired a venue and entertainment etc to do so (we couldn't find a venue today).

Today his actual birthday day, we are taking DS out to the circus . The circus is very close to where my parents live so we will be popping in to see them.

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

My husband and I will cut a cupcake with him today.

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.

MIL piped up again, we are going to cut the cake. I had to then intercept as I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents etc etc. And now it won't be fair on them so we won't cut the cake.

PIL seemed upset and said OK we will cut the cake tomorrow.

MIL always has a habit of doing what she wants.

AIBU to have said what I did?
If so any suggestions on how to handle this better.

It's put a real dampener on the day.

OP posts:

5128gap · 30/10/2021 18:09

You have gone to a lot of trouble to make this birthday special. Surely you're not going to spoil it for everyone by creating a drama over something so trivial? The day will only have a dampener on it if you spend it pulling a face and dwelling on this instead of focusing on your DS on his birthday.

KaycePollard · 30/10/2021 18:11

Your DS is 1. He doesn’t really know what’s going on.

He’ll just enjoy all the cake!

It’s up to you whether you want to make a thing of it, or just sail gracefully on, and have the big party for both sets of grandparents tomorrow. And if either set of GPS makes a fuss, just laugh at them, and say it’s lovely that your DS is surrounded by so much love and care.

Don’t engage in grandparent wars.

(When I read threads like this, I begin to see why my parents emigrated).

Blackmagicqueen · 30/10/2021 18:12

'am rapidly coming to the conclusion I am in a parallel universe to some posters on MN.
All this drama, all of the orders, the outrage when orders are not followed.
Baby's first cake, baby's first stocking in a post yesterday... Calpol are even advertising about baby's first cold!
It's all so exhausting and draining, but more than anything, controlling.
My theory is that a baby switches the dynamics in the parent/adult child relationship, and boy are some posters on here enjoying the control they think it gives them!
I can not imagine ordering another grown-up (and a parent!) around in the way some seem to think is acceptable.
Is there an eqiuvilent of bridezilla for a parent?'

Agree with this 110% and ordering people not to make cakes and controlling what they do with a fine tooth comb etc madness! People do what they want and all op had to say is 'oh we aren't waking little one from nap but we can all have a piece instead of the cupcake later!'

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2021 18:13

'It's not mils place to make a birthday cake'

Wtf?

Isn't it just a nice thing to do? I have often made cakes for friends birthdays. Or bought them a present. Or flowers.
I didn't realise we were supposed to check in with them first if it's allowed. That takes all the 'surprise' out of birthdays doesn't it?

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 18:13

Her husband told his parents pressies only so MIL was told but ignored it.

It sounds like MIL was told presents only on the day, as opposed to OP’s parents being told in advance. If the cake had already been made, I can understand it still being brought round. Unreasonable to want to wake the baby up for it though.

Tons of threads on here about being fair to both grandparents yet when one is trying to she’s ridiculed.

I don’t understand the fairness around this? What’s unfair? That if they’d gone to OP’s parents and had cake, they’d have seen DS eat some cake while the other grandparents hadn’t? Is that it? He’s only 1, so it’s not like he’ll know what’s going on, he’ll be given a bit of cake, smear it round his face happily, and do the same the next day with the other grandparents.

DeliaOwens · 30/10/2021 18:14

YABVU.

The more cakes and blowing out of candies and fabulous one year old being the centre of the universe to all that love him enough to buy two or more cakes the better.
One year old won't remember what happened, just that he is loved and celebrated. A win/win.

Release the need to control and let love win.

Blackmagicqueen · 30/10/2021 18:14

People make cakes all the time as part of a gift for a.birthday; it doesn't have to be the only cake...

TheWatersofMarch · 30/10/2021 18:16

I think you are making a rod for your own back to be so controlling about something so trivial. If you set yourself up as the referee to make everything 'fair' you're going to end up stressed and miserable. If the grandparents are in a power struggle I wouldn't be looking to police this. You surely can't have too much cake and candles for a first birthday. Enjoy the celebrations.

BananaPB · 30/10/2021 18:17

Tons of threads on here about being fair to both grandparents yet when one is trying to she’s ridiculed.

It sounds like the h's reaction was concern about OP's reaction so I'm guessing that she led with the cake "rule" and that perhaps she should worry less about the "fairness" angle.

Blackmagicqueen · 30/10/2021 18:19

I honestly could have understood this thread if op had said ' We turned up and grandparents had done fuck all for little one's birthday, no cake, card, gift of any description and ranted instead about their upcoming cruise! People make an effort and still drama... all the ungrateful people seem to have awesome grandparents! I'll gladly swap with you op!

Franklyfrost · 30/10/2021 18:21

Step one to streamlining your life:
Don’t make up cake based rules for other people.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/10/2021 18:22

@SpidersAreShitheads

Tell me that you've got a PFB without telling me that you've got a PFB 😅

🤣

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 18:22

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else

A few things about this:

“pressies only and nothing else” is not that specific. Not everyone sees the issue with the cake and therefore maybe MIL didn’t really understand what this meant. It doesn’t sound like “NO CAKE” was spelled out
did DH really say this? Seems from his meek reaction that probably he didn’t…could have just pretended to but didn’t.
if it was really spelled out and DH really said it then why didn’t DH actually step up at the time and say “mum, I told you not to bring a cake please respect my wishes”.

MadAntonia · 30/10/2021 18:23

You and your DH said ‘no cake’.

They should have respected that.

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 18:23

If you try to make things “fair” to this degree eg no grandparents can have cake with DS before the other ones do, you’ll drive yourself mad.

Yes, it’s reasonable to be fair in that (assuming everyone gets along and isn’t awful) I wouldn’t spend every single Christmas with one set and never with the other. Or only invite one set to a birthday party. But you can’t make every little thing totally even, right down to cake eating. That way madness lies.

RaininSummer · 30/10/2021 18:26

I don't think the cake things matters at all in itself but if it's a sign of grand parenting to come, as in ignoring what parents ask, then I would be pretty fed up.

phoenixrosehere · 30/10/2021 18:29

I read it as OP and her husband were having a party with family and friends the next day, not that it was just her side tomorrow.

If the cake had already been made, I can understand it still being brought round.

If that was the case, MIL could have mentioned it if she found out about the no cake thing after the fact and asked if they would mind her bringing it over.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2021 18:30

Blimey, Captain Control Freak here or what

Chill out OP, it's just bloody cake and quite why you're also 'cutting a cupcake' for your baby who has no clue it's their birthday is even more baffling.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 18:31

@Blackmagicqueen

so you don't see that grandparents taking over, doing stuff they were asked not to do and thus undermining OP is hurtful for her?

Maybe I see these because I have a mother who will do stuff either nobody asked of her or specifically asked her not to do AND then she'd turn around and sulk that nobody appreciated her.🙄
ad fucking infinitum.
she's a martyr for no reason. it's been tedious and has damaged our relationship irreparably.

(oh, and of course when you do ask her she will sabotage you all the same and twist it around so you get the blame for something she had failed to do.
I'm surprised I don't have serious trust issues)

BeverleysHill · 30/10/2021 18:31

Oh dear op .........you need to chill out a bit. It doesn't matter how much cake you have! I don't understand why you stopped your parents from having a cake either. DS is one..........it will make no difference to him, let his grandparents make a fuss of him!!!

Stroopwaffle5000 · 30/10/2021 18:32

He's one! He doesn't have a fucking clue what's going on! It's cake, don't be such a twat!

CallmeHendricks · 30/10/2021 18:35

Oh dear, OP! I hope you won't look back on this one day and curl your toes up with embarrassment.
It's cake, ffs. He's one. Sing Happy Birthday and blow out candles a dozen times over and he'll love it!

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 18:35

@phoenixrosehere yes, the party is tomorrow. What I didn’t understand is why OP told her family absolutely no cake today because it wasn’t fair on the other side who were only see DS the next day. I don’t understand why a grandparent would feel annoyed that they hadn’t seen their grandchild have some cake the day before but the other grandparents have.

galaxyx · 30/10/2021 18:35

@CactusLemonSpice

I think people who don't know why this is a big overstep are overlooking the huge social transactional and emotional significance of 'the birthday cake'. It's a thing. People make cake related power moves all the time. They really do.

CAKE RELATED POWER MOVES

Now I've seen it all.

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 18:38

I know! Cake related power moves!

If only I had the energy

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